I have been with my DH for 12 years, married for 7 and we have two beautiful children, DS 7 and DD 4. DH is a wonderful dad and a good husband, problem is that for the last year or so I have just drifted apart from him, to the point I am just so unhappy, we have finally separated.
This has only been since last week, and we are slowly starting to tell friends and family. The problem is I feel like I am beign ganged up on, no-one really understands how I feel and that I need to do whats best, which in everyone elses view is patch things up with DH for the sake of the kids! But thats the problem, I have been "patching" for the last year, now I just feel like I am barely surviving day to day.
Since having DS, I have worked evenings. I am fortunate that I have a good job which enabled me to continue my career, but working in the evenings, 5-11pm. DH works days 7am to 4pm, which meant we have never needed additional childcare. But also meant that we had very little time together. I have always tried to do the lions share of stuff at home, maybe a couple of times a week he will need to cook for DC, but apart from that I do everything, and then I go to work. My day starts at 6am and finishes about 12.30am when I crawl into bed.
For the last 4 months or so, everything has just gotten on top of me. Growing up, my parents had an unhappy marriage, splitting up on numerous occasions, my DF being always at work, my DM being the primary care provider. My DM made sacrifices for her own happiness, and they stayed together and are companions for each other in their retirement. But I watched this growing up, and can now see my life heading in the same direction. I have tried to talk to my mum about my feelings, but she is of the view that I should stay put, that I could never do any better, a companion is better than a partner and to "think of the children". I can see having a companion works for her, she is 65 - I am 38?
But that is my problem - I am doing this for my babies. For the last 4-6 months they are picking up on my unhappiness. DS is at school all day, but DD is home for 3 days a week - I spend whole days crying, with her drying my tears, telling me she loves me and it will be OK. Thats surely not healthy for her?? My DS has a nervous thing he does with his eyes, which he cannot seem to stop. I feel like I am being a terrible mum, I need to be happy, surely if I'm happy I will be a better mum?
Together as a family, the DC continually fight and argue, fighting for my attention and love.
So, I have broken DH's heart by asking for a separation. This was last Friday. He stayed at his mums for the weekend but came back every day. Every time he left, I felt a great sense of relief, the DC calmed down, played together great, and we had fun. Thats sounds awful I know. The minute he walks back through the door, I am uncomfortable, it is back to square one with the fighting and arguing. For the first time ever, he took them to the park at the weekend on his own, they loved it.
I am just so unhappy, and I feel I am being pushed into a corner. I have had some really dark days during the last few months, I have been drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol. This past few days have been so tough, I know he doesn't understand, but I feel relief that he now knows at least, and I haven't even felt the need for a drop of alcohol.
I have made an appointment to see a Relate counsellor next week on my own, although don't really know what to expect. I just want to sit down and talk to someone who doesn't know me, or how great DH is.
I just feel drained. I am continually trying to explain that I am just so unhappy, that it is reflecting on the DC, and that I feel to be the best mum I can, I need to be happy, and if that means being apart from DH, then so be it.
Sorry - long and rambling, but needed to get this out of my head. I feel terrible for breaking the heart of a good man - but I have one life, don't I owe it to myself to make the very best of it for me and my DC? I love my DH, but more as a brother. We just returned from a 10 day holiday together, I had hoped the time together would help - but I felt like I was away with a stranger :(
So opinions please - am I doing the right thing?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Can somebody help me please - how do I make them understand???
Overtiredmum · 18/04/2013 19:41
Oh dear...well, it's sad that they feel the need to have a hissy fit because you are running your own life. Best leave them to fume. They'll get over it.
Try to detach and tell yourself their opinion is irrelevant (difficult, I know, but try it anyway). It's always painful to make changes: and strong characters don't take kindly to being sidelined, but it has to be done somehow.
Stay strong, you're doing fine. 
I really am just speechless!
There are so many things I want to say back to her, but whats the point?! Is this her way of trying to bully and manipulate me? 
Unfortunately OP, being and arse does not make you infertile; would that it did, the world would be a far simpler place if it did . Some parents are just crap, and I'm afraid your mother is one of them. Interesting that she said ""Why is it all me me me. Fed up with you thinking that is all about you" - spoken like a true narcissist who resents not being at the centre of everyone's world! I wonder; if you were to think back, how many example of her self-absorption would come to mind? Quite a few I think. As has already been mentioned, best to detach from her.
"I nearly said back to her "Well did you put me and my sister first when you threw my dad out?" but decided not to."
Far more restrained than I would have been, but then you're a much nicer person. (Maybe keep that in reserve though, for when you want her to go in a huff and leave you be.)
"Is this her way of trying to bully and manipulate me?"
Absolutely .
And don't touch a joint mortgage with a bargepole.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
Have only had an initial session, I now have to sit tight and wait for a regular appointment, could be months
I just feel destroyed now
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.