ExP trying to control me or should I acquiesce?

[drasticpark]

Every time xp has ds age 12 for the weekend he seems to forget something vital and demands that I drive over to his flat to hand deliver it. Last time it was shin pads, the time before that it was school shoes, today it is full school uniform. I was out this morning and I am working a 12 hour shift tonight and again tomorrow night so it is inconvenient for me to do his fetching and carrying. Tomorrow, xp has to pass the end of my road to take ds to football. I have text xp and said he is welcome to come and collect anything ds needs from the house at any time - ds has a key - or he can bring him home at 8am on Monday to get changed for school and I will do the school run. I think I am being reasonable but xp is insisting I hand deliver ds' uniform tomorrow.

It's all so petty and I can't be bothered with the aggro but on the other hand I don't want to feel or be controlled by xp any more. Also, he has these tantrums in front of ds who I know will be very anxious about not having his uniform and even more upset by the continued conflict.

I could be the bigger person and just do it but it happens every single weekend when he has ds. I think he is trying to hang on to a modicum of control and in doing so is teaching ds that women are there to fetch and carry when the man snaps his fingers. If he could say please or thank you or would you mind awfully, then he would get a much better result.

He left us over two years ago for ow and I completely and utterly fell apart but I have worked really hard and got myself a new life, a new job and a new man. I run the family home single-handedly and I've got my pride back. I am happier than I have been for many years. I treat xp politely but just get hostility in return. What shall I do?

[SolidGoldBrass]

I would be tempted to repeat phrases like 'You silly little man' and 'don't be silly' every time he makes an unreasonable request. And to say DS, Daddy's being silly again. The only way to deal with a man like this is with amused contempt - make him aware that you find him ridiculous. He will either get so angry that you will be able to stop contact, or he will find someone else to pick on.

[drasticpark]

SGB, he is indeed a silly little man. I think the reply, "No. Don't be silly." would gather in meaning the more often it was sent so I will etch that in to my phone. The £9 payg phone that is reserved for his rants. He's blocked on my nice new shiny iPhone as I don't want his words to sully anything in my nice new shiny life. He is in a box and I must keep him there. Until he behaves decently. Why can't he see you get a lot more with sugar than you do with salt?

[drasticpark]

And if he makes ds late for school I don't know how I will contain myself. But I will.

[RandomMess]

"silly daddy making you late for school" that's how

[CarnivorousPanda]

What a deeply unpleasant piece of work he sounds. Very well done to you for remaking your life after splitting from him.

And actually, sounds like that's what really has riled him -maybe his lovely new life isn't quite as great as he hoped?

[Dryjuice25]

How about ex having spare stuff at his house when he has ds?

DS should be able to take responsibility for stuff he is going to need. He is nearly a teenager.

If he needs it he should come and get it himself. Set your ground rules. Explain to DS that ex has no right to make you do this and so far you have obliged just for his (DS) sake

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Drastic I also split from ExH because of an affair. But I think once you are outside the relationship you begin to see some of the behaviour what it truly was. I now see the controlling stuff which I won't go along with now. I also realised that we only ever socialised with his friends on the rare occasion I suggested we make the effort to visit mine he moaned and groaned about. I realise he nearly, but not quite isolated me from these friends.
However, every time you stand up for yourself it gets easier and you feel stronger.

[drasticpark]

Yes I was subjected to low level control too - why didn't you tell me that xyz was coming round to see you? I would have gone to the pub? in a way to make me feel guilty that he couldn't come home to his own home after work but really meant that he didn't want me to have anyone round. Even ds was made to feel guilty about having friends round and his friends are most definitely not welcome at his dad's flat. I now have an open house and ds can have sleepovers. My adult children said the house had a whole new atmosphere within about a week of him going.

And he would give me the tv remote control at about 10pm and say you can choose whatever you want now as if he'd taken me to Tiffany's on 5th Avenue.

It was insidious and pervasive and I didn't recognise it as abusive or controlling behaviour. The whole house was carpeted in egg shells.

Still no text and he hasn't called for the uniform...

[MajorB]

He's definitely trying to control you from afar.

If I were you I would type one text into the draft folder of my phone, something along the lines of:

It is clear that you're having difficulty parenting independently of me, perhaps you would benefit from attending the parenting classes held at X college on X night, here's their contact number.....

And send it EVERY time he texts/calls you with a question during his contact time. Give it a few weeks of him receiving the above text, and only the above text, and he'll get bored of trying to harass you - it's no fun to toy with someone who isn't playing.

[ivykaty44]

I would email the school in preparation - let them know you suspect your dh is playing up as he hasn't been aroudn to pick up ds uniform and you don't want him getting into trouble due to his father - this would prepare the school for the possible apperance of your ds in none uniform.

Then get your ds a mobiel phone so you can have cntact between you to make sure he is ok when at his dad's

[drasticpark]

Uniform was collected at 8pm last night when I was at work. I wonder what my punishment will be...

[FastidiaBlueberry]

You're already wondering what your punishment will be. And you know, of course, there will be one.

Except there won't, because you will decide whether or not he has the power to punish you and you've decided he hasn't, haven't you?

Just proceed as if you expect him to behave reasonably and when he doesn't, simply refuse to play ball. Don't sit there dreading his punishments, when you do that, he's still controlling you, you know that, don't you?

Refuse to accept that control. Do everything by the book - the list will help and then arrange to go away or out for the weekend and enjoy yourself. Just don't put up with his shit anymore - I think that idea about sending him details of parenting classes every time he tries to pull his shit, is brilliant.

[ivykaty44]

punishment, he can only punish you if you think like that and let him punish you.....

[ChasedByBees]

Someone up thread suggested their ex buy their own set of clothing and uniforms for their child, like normal parents do. This seems like a good way of getting him to take ownership of his role if he insists on playing these games. Don't let him punish you (even though he'll be seething). Tough!

[drasticpark]

He may try to punish me but of course I will not engage in any more nonsense. DS is home from school and is absolutely fine. That's all that counts.

There is nothing more he can do to me now aside from hurting ds and I don't think even he would stoop to that.

Thanks to everyone. I'm so glad I stood my ground. It was never about power, more about feeling empowered. And I certainly do. Thank you.

[tribpot]

Was your ds okay, drasticpark? I mean had his dad gone on a rant on Sunday about having to go back for the clothes?

[TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub]

Glad DS was ok and sorry that your ex is in the running for Cock of the Year.

[drasticpark]

My ds is absolutely fine. In fact, he was more cheerful than usual when he came home. Maybe it was a relief to for him to see that his dad can do the right thing and put ds before his own anger.

However, I feel xp has tried to use ds to punish me. Just before ds left for the weekend with his dad he complained of a painful toe. It was clearly infected - very inflamed and lots of yellow pus. I couldn't get a GP appointment so sent a message that ds needed to go to the walk in emergency service for antibiotics asap. But xp told ds that this was completely unnecessary and there was nothing the doctor could do, ie. your mother is spouting bollocks. So ds has come home with his toe now oozing foul green pus and his toenail has lifted off. We are off to see the doc for antibiotics tonight.

I honestly believe xp did this just to dig his heels in as I refused to play ball. He is an utter prick. He looks for any opportunity to kick back at me but in doing so he just makes himself look foolish and I think ds is now working this out for himself.

[FastidiaBlueberry]

I think your DS needs to have a little more confidence to say for himself "Dad, I need to go to the walk-in clinic".

He's 12, he's old enough to go by himself if necessary, if it's in walking distance.

Is he frightened of displeasing his dad?

[drasticpark]

Fastidia - no he wouldn't be able to get to the walk in clinic. We live on the outskirts of a big city. He definitely doesn't want to displease his dad or get in the middle of the battle that his dad is trying to have with me. I text ds a couple of times to ask what the dr had said and he didn't reply. When I spoke to him about the uniform problem he said his toe was now fine, no pain or pus, which was clearly not true. Now I know why - xp was listening. It's just madness. His son was in pain and needed antibiotics. But proving me wrong was much more important.

[FastidiaBlueberry]

Perhaps you need to formally get this neglect logged?

This behaviour is abusive.

You need to be able to be in a position where you can arrange medical care for your son when he needs it, when it's your ex's turn to look after him. You might need to reference this incident as being the reason he can't be trusted to arrange medical care for his son when he needs it.

[drasticpark]

I agree that it is neglectful but I'm not sure how I would go about logging it or how it would help.

What astonishes me is that it is 2.5 years since he left after I discovered his 18 month affair and he is still angry. How long can he keep this up for? When will he exhaust his anger reserves? I've moved on, have forgiven him and am happy. I would like to have an amicable relationship with him for the sake of ds. Just polite and respectful, not trips out or best buddies. I don't understand why he doesn't realise that it would be the best thing for ds.

Just more evidence that he is a self serving, entitled, nasty piece of work, I guess.

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Drastic - I feel for you. We have the opposite situation here where my DP is forced to run around due to his ex's antics just so he can se his DS (I won't call him my SDS as we're not married yet).

I've got to be honest with you - I'm not sure the anger will ever end. SDS is 5.5yrs old. Their relationship broke down when he was 1.5 yrs old. She still has terrible anger and control issues. The latest being that she refuses to hand over his passport so we can take him away for a few days despite him being with us for some of the holidays.

It's just a nonsense, and designed to make your life difficult because how dare you ever leave!! And I honestly think that the only way to stop it would be to remove the level of control. Remove yourself from the situation - make it DS's responsibility to remember and/or let himself in to collect it.

Once he realises he won't have you chasing around he will give up - or - and I hate to say it, try something else to get at you. You just need to nip it all in the bud and remove any way he has of getting at you.

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Oh, and I forgot to say I wasn't involved in their relationship breakdown and have only been on the scene 18 months, but the anger is also directed my way. best just to cut contact to the bare minimum, about stuff which is absolutely necessary, and not let him into your life anymore.

[Hissy]

The poor lad! An infected toe is the worst kind of pain EVER!

I think you really DO need to take him to the Dr and log it that you had asked your Ex to get medical treatment.

In answer to your question about when will this stop and why can't you have a normal amicable relationship with him.... It won't and you can't.

The man who is your DS father is abusive, he punishes you and your child to get to you for 'wrongs' he manufactures. Only a seriously abusive man would sit and watch a child in PAIN with a live and seeping infection and do NOTHING.

I think the time has come for you to discuss acceptable behaviour from a man and ask him if he WANTS to spend time with his dad.

He has a choice. You have a duty to protect your son.

I think you are amazing and my comment is not to judge you at all, merely to empower you. I do sincerely hope that you find the way to help him stand up for himself.

BTW, you set him a BRILLIANT example in not backing down about the uniform.