ExP trying to control me or should I acquiesce?

[drasticpark]

Every time xp has ds age 12 for the weekend he seems to forget something vital and demands that I drive over to his flat to hand deliver it. Last time it was shin pads, the time before that it was school shoes, today it is full school uniform. I was out this morning and I am working a 12 hour shift tonight and again tomorrow night so it is inconvenient for me to do his fetching and carrying. Tomorrow, xp has to pass the end of my road to take ds to football. I have text xp and said he is welcome to come and collect anything ds needs from the house at any time - ds has a key - or he can bring him home at 8am on Monday to get changed for school and I will do the school run. I think I am being reasonable but xp is insisting I hand deliver ds' uniform tomorrow.

It's all so petty and I can't be bothered with the aggro but on the other hand I don't want to feel or be controlled by xp any more. Also, he has these tantrums in front of ds who I know will be very anxious about not having his uniform and even more upset by the continued conflict.

I could be the bigger person and just do it but it happens every single weekend when he has ds. I think he is trying to hang on to a modicum of control and in doing so is teaching ds that women are there to fetch and carry when the man snaps his fingers. If he could say please or thank you or would you mind awfully, then he would get a much better result.

He left us over two years ago for ow and I completely and utterly fell apart but I have worked really hard and got myself a new life, a new job and a new man. I run the family home single-handedly and I've got my pride back. I am happier than I have been for many years. I treat xp politely but just get hostility in return. What shall I do?

[DameFanny]

Can you text ds to let him know he can come to you on Monday to get ready for school? And that his f is just being a bit silly?

[drasticpark]

Already done the first bit, Dame. Heard the panic in ds' voice.

[oopsadaisymaisy]

I could have written your post a few years ago. Do not respond to this man. He's trying to control you. What an arse hole. I used to be a nervous wreck about everything with my ex until I stopped playing. If ds forgets something he'll just have to do without surely. Its not ideal but I completely ignore my ex now. In the words of elastagirl, disengage, disengage, disengage!

[MidnightMasquerader]

Agree with everyone else.

The tick list is a good idea, but I'd also have an upfront chat with him and tell him things are going to change. When he's in charge of DS, he's in charge and any accusations of neglect need to be levelled right back at the person currently responsible for DS. Not you as default, simply because you have a vagina.

You will no longer skivvy any forgotten items back and forth - it will be up to him - a grown-up, responsible parent in charge of DS to do it.

Does he understand? Yes? Absolutely no questions in relation to any of this? No? Good. Shake hands - agreed. This is how it will be henceforth.

[Hissy]

your ds is 12, his dad is an abusive, manipulative prick.

You all dancing to his tune is showing a young man how to get what he wants. The wrong way.

Your DS has to come home earlier, he has to prepare better, he's old enough.

[WafflyVersatile]

When DS is with him DS is his responsibility, not yours. Before he leaves the house make sure he has everything. Between then and dropping him off again if DS needs something then his DF can sort it out. The same as when DS is with you it's you that sorts it out. DS needs to learn to take care of his own stuff too. That'll stand him in good stead.

[Mimishimi]

Tell him no, you have a date with your DP and contact hours don't include you.

[drasticpark]

I have re-sent my original text, "You can collect ds' uniform any time you like or bring him home at 8am to get changed. Whatever suits you." He replied, "it suits me for you to bring his uniform my flat."

Oh well. I have just finished a 12 hour shift and am off to bed. It really won't be hard to ignore him for the rest of the day as I shall be sound asleep. Thanks to you all for the advice. I will do the tick list in the future but on this occasion he's going to have to sort it out himself.

[AnyFucker]

Well done, and I hope you turned your phone off

What an entitled piece of shit he sounds

[Hissy]

Hear hear! Good for you!

[MrsTomHardy]

He just sounds lovely.....prick!!!!

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Gosh I get this too. I am very unco-operative I always make him come to mine or collect from neutral ground like my work.
I have to admit to being deliberately difficult if he says I'll come at X I say that doesn't suit you need to come at Y.
So my response to his text would be 'well that doesn't suit me'.

[HecateWhoopass]

It suits me to bring his uniform to my flat?



Well it doesn't suit me. I am not your servant. You know where it is. Fetch it or not. Your choice.

would be the reply he got off ME.

[freddiemisagreatshag]

Good for you! There's loads of us in the same boat

[ivykaty44]

Suggest to your son he does list or if comes back to house and collects items if has forgotten

do not engage in this game

son is twelve he needs. To choose what and how to handle his father

you give him support but don't. Get caugh in gaze

[ChasedByBees]

I think you've done the right thing. That last text is so twattish. If you think that he won't do it, could you drop the uniform at school?

[DollyTwat]

Is he my ex too!

I got about 25 texts in half term when my dc went to stay about the tops I had put in for ds1. They were too small, not nice enough, not enough of them etc. I suggested a shop. They were the tops I knew he'd wear, I could have put 100 in and he'd have only worn those

I asked to speak to ds about it as it was obviously causing a big drama. I was told 'no' that he'd kept the dc out of it like a responsible parent!

So I concluded that it was HIM causing a drama and ds1 hadn't complained at all

He does it over uniforms too. He reads the age on the label and reaches for his phone to complain. I've said any more and they'll be sent with nothing. He can buy it like I do

It's done, I think, to spoil any nice time you might be having. Control

[DollyTwat]

One of my friends thinks I should just say OK

Not fight it as then there's no fun it it for him

I can see what he's saying, but can't bring myself to give in!

[RandomMess]

OMG what a control freak, I'm sure your DS will get much better at remembering his stuff now that you're refusing to play ball. I would help DS with a tick list as I'm sure it won't be nice for him having his Dad kicking off about it.

[marfisa]

Don't say OK! It's not OK. Just use the MN line, "Sorry, that doesn't work for me." Repeat ad infinitum as needed. You have made him a completely reasonable offer, and if he doesn't want to take you up on it, it's his problem.

[theoriginalandbestrookie]

You can't change him, only your responses to him - which is presumably why he is your Ex.

On this occasion I would try to find a way to get Ds's school clothes to him that do not involve him but also do not require you to leave them with him. How about you drop the clothes off at school? That why ex-DP doesn't alter his plans one iota - which he has made clear that he is not going to do, and you don't drive to his house.

I feel sorry for your DS. I hate packing and would be really upset if I had to do it every other weekend. So i agree with others that a checklist that you help him with is the way to go.

Ex-p will keep contacting you. If its something important like school uniform then I guess you need to find a way to get it to your DS - but hopefully checklist will avoid this. If its something less important like say shin pads for football, I'd just not reply. I don't suppose your DS will suffer immeasurably if he doesn't have shin pads.

You have my sympathies, but well done from splitting from this awful sounding man.

[oopsadaisymaisy]

If you say ok he will find something else to push your buttons and it will go on and on. Don't play and he will eventually stop. What a cock.

[theoriginalandbestrookie]

Another idea. If contact begins fri eve keep ds in his school clothes that way he has the essentials.ok his shirt may not be super clean but at least he has one and ex doesnt need to get involved.

[drasticpark]

Thanks all. The uniform was an issue because of half term - ds would usually be wearing it when collected. But if it wasn't that it would be something else. I purchase every item of clothing ds owns. Ex has never bought him as much as a pair of socks. It's all part of his mission I guess.

Over the last 2.5 years I have gradually removed anything he can control. For example, he used to dock £50 here and there from ds' maintenance if he didn't approve of my behaviour - "I've deducted £50 this month because I think you told me a lie last week," so I said nothing to him, contacted the csa and he now has to pay the csa direct. I may be worse off financially but it's worth every penny.

I've just checked my phone and there's nothing. So that was either very easy or he's still plotting his next move...

Oh and we didn't split just because of his entitled behaviour. I discovered he was having a 2 year affair with a colleague who he introduced to the whole family as a friend along with her husband and adopted dd. We even went on holiday together and when my father was dying of cancer 150 miles away he used my absences to see even more of ow getting my older dcs to babysit our ds. Yet he insists to anyone that listens that I chose to throw him out, I chose to render him homeless and I chose to end the relationship. He was furious that I spoiled his cosy set up and genuinely thought I would be comforted when he said he never intended to leave me. Entitled doesn't even begin to describe his twatishness and he is still trying to punish me.

Rant over. I'm actually fine now and so much happier without him. It is so so true that the best revenge is to live well.

[RandomMess]

He'll probably drop your ds off at yours tomorrow at a time that makes him late for school and it will be all your fault

But let him carry on trying to the play the games and remember "no" is a complete sentence your ds will quickly learn to take on responsibility for his own things because he is at an age where he should be anyway.