Confused - I am the abuser or the abused?

[TooMuchJD]

Married to DH 5 yrs, together for 6. 2 DC together, 1 DS from prev. rel. Rocky relationship all through the 6 yrs together. Have nearly parted on several occassions & had 3 lots of couples counselling which have helped in someways but not lastingly.

Argue all the time, generally over the same things. Totally opposed parenting styles, what being a family means, relationships with parents, work, money you name it. Some arguments have been going on for the full 6 yrs with no satisfactory conclusion or compromise ever reached. Both been treated for depression, him for anger management & me for self esteem issues. Not in any therapy at the mo. We both tend to say the same things about each other, we feel under valued and unsupported by our partner. Have read several self help books and partic. those related to EA and can see many of the traits in DH but also some in me too. I have a strong "sense" of equality which for me manifests as because DH works v hard as main breadwinner I am happy to take on all the household stuff & childcare etc. (I do work two days a week) but feel that this shouldn't mean he gets to squander whatever money he has left each month on shit just for himself. He feels that he should be left to spend it how he pleases. (Our financial situation not great, this is just one of many issues we have). For him he feels that everyone elses feeling & opinions count except his. However, I feel that me & all the kids (partic DS1) are always walking on eggshells so as not to rock the boat. The list is endless!!

Anyway, he has had a relatively major, but not lifethreatening, health scare (treatment is ongoing) and now says he will not longer put up with anymore crap from me, my family (mother - whole other story) or DS1 as life is too short. So I need to change my attitude, stop treating him like shit or he will go and find someone who does want him. Really, really confused about our future together or if we even have one???

[deleted203]

I think all of the posters here are in agreement that this sounds like a shitty relationship to be in and that you would be much happier on your own.

Can I give you my own personal 'Is it time to call it a day' question?

I ended things with my Ex when I realised that if someone had told me that we would still be together in 30 years time I would have cut my own throat that night.

Try applying that...

[ReturnOfEmeraldGreen]

Life doesn't have to be this hard. Honestly it doesn't.

"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it" - W.C. Fields

Sorry if that's a little brutal. I also like:

?Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.? ― Groucho Marx

Good luck.

[TooMuchJD]

chucksaway what you say goes somewhere near the truth. My gut is that whilst in many ways we want the same outcomes in life we have very , very different ideas on how that should work. I don't feel that the hurtful things that have happened between us are necessarily premeditated or intentional. Some of the things he has said have been intended to hurt though and whilst I am good at forgiving I cannot forget them and the cummulative effect has made me detach emotionally which in turn has fuelled his feelings of rejection and that is really what he fears the most. What he fails to grasp is that his actions are making this happen and its not just in his personal life, his work life is the same. He has been told this by more than one professional that he needs to organise his life better and adjust his own reaction to stress rather than expect the stress to go away.

We are both struggling to gain some kind of acceptable control over the two LO's who are challenging but some of their behaviour is likely to be as a reaction to the tensions at home so it has all become a bit of a vicious circle.

I read another thread on here last night where it was the wife who was displaying the kind of behaviour my husband does and that has given me a different perspective, seeing it from her point of view. It does not make the behaviour acceptable though.

[Miggsie]

If your husband left - would you all be happier?

Yes.

Your husband is making you all unhappy.

The fact you even had to ask the question in the OP shows he has so screwed with your mind you can't work out the boundaries any more.

If you left you would be happier, so would the children.
Yes, he will continue to be mean and spiteful but youwouldn't have it 24x7 and you might even meet someone who likes you.

Is your mother like your husband? Someone has conditioned you to expect abuse and not be happy.

[chucksaway]

i appreciate i am not expert but from what i have read so far both parties seem to be abusing each other, hence the OP's original question - i have read so many times on this website once an abuser always an abuser. to me they sound like two people in turmoil wanting it to work but they simply dont have/ or cannot apply the tools to make it work - why have they stayed together so far? why have they jumped through hoops looking for ways to fix their broken relationship? it may in fact be that they have reached the end of a long road now and now the time has arrived where they do part - but i sense that is not what either party wants at all. OP has come here looking for some clarity as to how to gain some peace within her relationship, i dont have the answers sorry but hope you get what you are looking for from some of the more experienced women on here. all the best

[Lizzabadger]

End it.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

[bigbuttons]

chucksaway. Your 'advice', although well meant, is dangerous.
Clearly you have never been in an abusive relationship( lucky you) and are therefore unable to spot one when it is waving at you with klaxons blaring.

[chucksaway]

you both sound like you have done a lot to try and work things out, yet somehow you are not finding any happy medium. do you both have troubled upbringings? this website is full of stories of men leaving their woman and from what youve said one glimmer of hope is that he does sound like he doesnt want to leave rather that he has to leave. once you put up any story like this on mumsnet you will get leave him leave him please make sure you have exhausted all avenues before you separate your family - saying that the situation sounds very toxic for your children

[ReturnOfEmeraldGreen]

P.S. I have no direct experience of this, but a lot of posters recommend the Freedom Programme - I've heard it's available free online.

[ReturnOfEmeraldGreen]

TooMuchJD
Hey, don't put yourself down any more! I posted the links just to show a bit of the history here, which sadly demonstrates that it is you that has been abused.

I'm not surprised your feelings are all over the place at the moment, the treatment you have described would leave anyone hurt, frightened and yes, angry at times. None of us are perfect, all of us have areas of our lives we know we should change but find it v hard to do so.

Please try to remember:

It's not about the past any more, it's about the future and how you want the rest of your life and your children's lives to be.
It's not about him and his needs, it's about you and yours.
"The size of a man can be measured by the size of the thing that makes him angry." (J. Kenfield Morley)

Try to take SGB's advice and focus on one step at a time (sorry, but cliches becomes cliches because they have a strong element of truth!)

Take care, wishing you the best.

[TooMuchJD]

ReturnOfEmeraldGreen
Just read my previous posts, strangely I had forgotten about the earlier one(???). Feeling really stupid & weak willed right now, why the f**k am I willing to put up with this shit, please someone tell me!! You missed the one where he spent the evening with a woman he met in the pub on a night out & finally arrived home at 6am (only after I had called him, worried about where he was) whilst I was at home bf our son. Swore at the time he was only ensuring she got a taxi home as she was drunk, found out much later that they had kissed but nothing else (have doubted this ever since).

Resentment is building. I know I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with, too bossy for my own good at times, need to stand up to mum occassionally, have my own anger issues born from frustration at times.

Aargghhh...........head is so fucked up at the moment!!

[SolidGoldBrass]

Dump him. He is not worth a second more of your time or energy. See a solicitor, have a chat with Women's Aid, decide whether you want him out of the house or if you want to take the DC and move, then take the appropriate steps. If you've had to call the police on him previously it will not be too difficult to get him removed from the family home and kept away, and you can probably insist on supervised contact as well until he shows signs of being able to behave himself.

[dondon33]

Please read another thread called something like - If your parents stayed together.... I don't have time to find it right now.
It's about all of us who were raised in relationships where the parents either
A) shouldn't have been together in the first fecking place
or
B) stayed together way to long, subjecting their children to lives of misery while they 'tried' to make it work.

He sounds awful to be around OP, good luck with whatever you decide to do in the future.

[TooMuchJD]

Thank you everyone for your feedback, deep down I already know what the answer is. I'm just finding it really hard to find the strength to put things in motion. Had a very trying day with the two DC (DS1 at his dad's) and realised today just how tired and frustrated I am with everything. Desperately trying to get the clarity of mind needed to sort this whole mess out.

[colditz]

Please leave before your son decides yu don't love him enough to protect him.

[bigbuttons]

OP, love you could post a new post here everyday telling is about another shitty thing he has done.
He is an abuser.
I really really do understand how difficult it is to leave men like that, I've been there and done that. It took me 12 years to leave.

I also understand that you post up new threads to get validation that what is happening to you is wrong.

Nothing will change unless you make it happen.

He will never change. he will not change if you stay and he will not change if you leave. He already thinks it is all you fault ( my ex did and still does), he is already bad mouthing you to your children( my ex did and still does).

There is no getting away from your situation as it stands. The ONLY way it will stop is if you separate from him.

If you can't do it for yourself what about your poor ds1?

[Astelia]

OP where do you want to be in five years time? Do you want the next five years to be the same as the last five?

As is often said on these boards; you can't change him, you can only change your response to him.

Please make plans for a better future for yourself and the DCs. Don't be afraid to think outside the box too- you can change anything about your life if you plan and prepare.

[tallwivglasses]

I've just had a quick look at the threads linked above. You are still with this man because?

[bigbuttons]

op he will already be saying nasty things about you to the kids

[MarilynValentine]

Separate. Why waste anymore of your life on this unpleasant person?

Your DC will be better for it in the long run. You will just have to deal with the fact you won't see the kids every other weekend - but that sacrifice will be completely worth it.

Don't give your children the blueprint that this sort of relationship is ok.

And - you are allowed to be happy.

[ReturnOfEmeraldGreen]

Here are 2 of your previous threads which I remembered (I posted on one under an old username):

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1533027-Is-this-Domestic-Abuse

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1485410-Confused-upset-and-just-a-little-angry

I think you are probably being too hard on yourself. Do you throw things at him, threaten him, grab him, push him, cause him to bang his head on the floor and call him vile names when you argue? These are all things he has evidently done to you.

Have any of your counsellors had anything to say about how he is always blaming you and making out it's all your fault? My advice? Throw him out and get some counselling for yourself. Life is too short to spend with a prick like this.

[Xales]

How old is your DS1?

You and your children especially DS1 are walking on egg shells.

Now that you and DS1 have to bend over and take whatever he gives you from behind as he is ill and 'will leave you for someone who does want him' how much more is your DS1 going to have to take?

Put your children first and show them that a happy separated mother (and hopefully father when he finds 'the one who does want him') is much better than a shitty relationship where you either both make each other unhappy or one treats the rest like shit and they walk around fearing to upset him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I do not think he will give you an easy ride of it at all if you were to separate and at the very least you will need to consider formal i.e legal means re access. I am sure that your son would not want to see this man in any case. Such men do not let go of their victims easily and he'll drag it out for as long as he can.

If you do separate (and I would urge you to seek legal advice in any case) ensure that you mean business from the start and show you will not tolerate any crap he will come out with regarding access, finances etc. He will see his grip on power being taken from him so he will likely lash out at you and the children, such men can use kids as weapons against the mother for having tha gall in their eyes to leave.

I think your friends opinions are instructive; you and he should not be together at all so why are you together currently?. You cannot keep flogging a dead horse and he is inherently unreasonable and testy. He sucks all the joy out of your life and quite apart from anything else he has never been able to accept your own child from another marriage thus making your own child miserable. That in itself is reason enough to be shot of this manchild.

[tallwivglasses]

Listen to your friends. Don't worry about what he might say to your kids, they'll know the score. Besides, he'll probably be too ill to look after them much anyway

[scaevola]

If there reall is nothing much between you, even after three rounds of counselling, then can there be a future?

Communication between the two of you sounds to have failed completely (he might feel he's on eggshells too) and your description sounds as if nothing is ever talked through and solved. You're unhappy, he's unhappy; is there anything else to try together?