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Is this Domestic Abuse?

(28 Posts)
TooMuchJD Sat 04-Aug-12 11:19:22

ad anotherrowwith DH over money initially, moved onto DS1 (his stepson) escalated into him shouting abusive comments in front of the children (DS2 & DD). He was still angry yesterday, went to his local from work, arrived home at 9.00pm, was upset his tea hadn't been cooked (??) Said he was goin to bed, went up, came down to hurl more accusations and verbal, went back up, came back down with more, tried to remove my wedding ring by force, when I wouldn't let him he flipped me and the sofa over, i banged my head but wasn't badly hurt thankfully. I took me and the two LO's to my parents (DS1 at his dads) and called the police on 101 to report it.
He had txt and called to tell me its my fault for pushing him into it by making him so angry. I shd be more grateful and appreciative that he works long hours to support the family (we each pay half the bills) and that I am always praising DS1 and critisising DH.
Idon't want him back here but he says he has no where to go so needs to stay until he can find somewhere.I don't think this is acceptable asthe violence has escalated from May (prev post on 31st May, don't kno how to link). Confused, angry and upset and don't kno what do for the best!!! Help please..

izzyizin Sat 04-Aug-12 11:22:23

What have the police done?

MadameOvary Sat 04-Aug-12 11:23:36

Yes it is DV. It is not your fault he can't act like a civilised human being. He is being abusive and blaming you for his actions. You are right to want him out of the house. He actually feels entitled to take his anger out on not just you but the whole family. Horrific.
What did the police say?

yes this is DV + you need to get him out. Do you have any family nearby for support ?

What did the police say ? Well done you for ringing them .

Leverette Sat 04-Aug-12 11:24:36

Yes it's DV. Particularly worrying that he takes no responsibility for his actions but blames you, and as you say, it is clearly escalating.

I would phone the police back and ask to speak with their DV officer and also women's aid.

Are you ok?

akaemmafrost Sat 04-Aug-12 11:25:03

Do Not Let Him Back.

Yes this is domestic abuse and most importantly you don't WANT him back. Tough shit if he has nowhere to go. He should of thought of that before he put his hands on you.

He seems to have a lot of issues with your ds.

Do not let him guilt you into letting him back. He doesn't particularly care that he used physical force against you does he? It's your fault apparently hmm and he is trying to minimise it.

colditz Sat 04-Aug-12 11:25:23

Yes, it's domestic violence. He used his voice and body to try and intimidate you into doing what he wants you to do. Do not let him live with you. His housing situation is his problem, not yours, and he has forfeited any right to live with you when he tried to hurt you.

CogitoErgOlympics Sat 04-Aug-12 11:27:35

Yes it's abuse. Aggression, physical violence, verbal abuse, drunkenness (?) and blaming the victim are all very bad indeed. You do not let him back in the family home under any circumstances. If he has nowhere to go it is entirely his problem, not yours. Secure your home, protect yourself and your family and switch off your phone. Get people around you that you trust, talk to the police and take your time before deciding what to do next. This is not about him any more... he has forfeit the right to be part of the family.

TooMuchJD Sat 04-Aug-12 11:31:02

He has goneto the police station now.They tried to speak to him last night but he had gone to bed. They took some information from me but I didn't want him arrested. Have parents living in the same street. Its a rented property and I lived here before we met, only added him to the lease when we married. He is not at all nice to DS1 and very jealous and resentful of him and his relationship with the LO's.

CogitoErgOlympics Sat 04-Aug-12 11:50:38

A grown man that is jealous, resentful and hostile towards children as well as women is both a coward and a bully.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Sat 04-Aug-12 11:56:27

Definitely DV. My abusive XH used to enjoy tipping me out of chairs, the bastard.

izzyizin Sat 04-Aug-12 13:27:29

If you've told the police you don't want him arrested and you're not willing to make a statement, there's not going to be very much they can do.

However, if dc were in the house when the incident took place the police are obliged to notify Social Services and you may get a visit from them sometime next week.

In addition, as he's named on the tenancy agreement he has the right to live in the marital home and if he won't go willingly you may need to apply for an occupation order so that the police can remove him.

Visit www.womensaid.org.uk and call the 24/7 national helpline number or locate your nearest branch and give them a call during normal office hours.

izzyizin Sat 04-Aug-12 13:32:08

If he's not that bright, you could try to bluff him. Tell him you've spoken to a legal advice helplin who've advised you not to let him back in the house and he's to find somewhere else to live as from now.

To get the message across you could fill a couple of black bags with his essential items ready to leave the on the doorstep or chuck them out of the window if/when he come back.

If he kicks off again dial 999 and man up and make a statement.

TheDreadedFoosa Sat 04-Aug-12 13:38:58

Whether he is abusive to you or not (and i would say he certainly is) your ds should not be forced to live with a grown man who dislikes him. He does not deserve that at all.
You may calm down anout what he has done to you but what he puts your son through is more than reason enough to get rid of him for good.

BigBandwitch Sat 04-Aug-12 13:45:05

Yes it's abuse. Good for you for ringing the police. I wish I'd done that.

TooMuchJD Sat 04-Aug-12 20:19:08

He was arrested and cautioned by the police. He has been back this afternoon and apologised for what happened but he still feels he is the one who has been hard done by. Very self pitying. He has agreed to seperate and is looking to arrange temporary accommodation in the short term in order to move out in the next couple of days. He has got family close by but is too ashamed to tell them what has happened.
DS1 actually really likes DH even after the critisism and hostility. He understands that its not really personal but a problem that DH has. I have been astonished by his maturity in dealing with some of the issues. Just sad that DH hasn't been willing or able to deal with his demons.

neuroticmumof3 Sat 04-Aug-12 20:24:47

Yes this is domestic abuse and it is likely to escalate if you were to take him back. If you don't want to press charges you should consider applying for an occupation order and non molestation order. These would keep him out of the house and away from you - it's a criminal offence if he breaches the orders. NCDV are a very quick service who can start the process for you and put you in touch with a local solicitor. Google your county + domestic abuse to see if there's a local service you can contact for support and advice. It can be very difficult to get through to the national helpline.

akaemmafrost Sat 04-Aug-12 20:28:41

I will be extremely surprised if he actually goes in the next couple of days. Be prepared for an increase in resentment especially as he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. Also I think he will try to talk you round and you will feel obligated to give him another chance.

dequoisagitil Sat 04-Aug-12 20:29:52

It's not him having issues or demons - he chooses to behave like this.

Everyone has baggage. Most people choose not to physically abuse their nearest and dearest.

TooMuchJD Sat 04-Aug-12 20:42:38

He's already been doin the "where do you expect me to go?" thing but thats notmy problem. he's been bitchin about not seeing the kids but has then chosen to spend his free time in the pub again this afternoon. Really annoyed with myself and totally devastated about how it has all ended.

CleopatrasAsp Sat 04-Aug-12 20:42:40

Abused people often like their abusers, that doesn't mean they aren't being abused sadly.

izzyizin Sat 04-Aug-12 21:21:11

Your police force have done you proud.

As he's been cautioned for, what I suspect is, assault against you there should no bar to you obtaining an occupation order if he doesn't voluntarily shift his arse out of your home.

CommunistMoon Sat 04-Aug-12 21:29:36

I remember reading your previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1485410-Confused-upset-and-just-a-little-angry

He sounds like a twat of the highest order, hope you can can move on from this and dump his woman-hating arse.

izzyizin Sat 04-Aug-12 21:41:06

It seems the writing's been on the wall for some considerable time.

You've read it, but will you act on it and get this abusive tosser out of your home?

Anniegetyourgun Sat 04-Aug-12 22:47:05

I always find it extra worrying when children are fond of the abuser. Assuming he spends as much time in his stepdad's company as in his dad's, this is the man from whom he will learn how men ought to behave. That's not a healthy situation.

Valpollicella Sat 04-Aug-12 22:49:23

You poor love. If it was the first time, it won't be last.

If someone on the street did that to you, you wouldn't let them back into your house sad

Valpollicella Sat 04-Aug-12 22:50:05

Sorry, missed your post about where he will arrange temporary accomodation. Good x

TooMuchJD Sun 05-Aug-12 21:36:54

Thanks CommunistMoon for putting the link on, i can never get them to wrk.
He has been to look at a couple of properties today and has to wait 2-3 weeks before he can move into one of them. He is spending most of the time out of the house, just comin home to sleep. His parents not happy with what has happened and he's not willing to go back there temp, none of his mates have space for him either. Luckily my parents just live across the road so me & the kids spend time over there if we happen to be in the house at the same time. They haven't really noticied any difference as DH never really did much with us on a day to day basis anyway which is really sad. DS1 has come home today. Told him that we are separating, he was a little subdued but doesn't seem that bothered about it. Prob a bit relieved. Financially we are in the shit for this month as I can't adjust any of the tax credits etc. until he actually moves out but I have good relationship with my bank so I'm sure we'll manage in the short term.
Feel really bad, I know that I shouldn't but I really wanted this to work. The whole situation is just so sad, have worked really hard at trying to make this relationship work but still failed. Gutted.

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