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Confused, upset and just a little angry.

(38 Posts)
TooMuchJD Thu 31-May-12 23:19:23

DH told me he wants to leave following HUGE row on Tues (I'd shouted at him for having verbal road rage episode whilst DC, 17mths & 3yrs, I was driving and he had to lean across me to shout, swear & gesticulate at the other fella who retaliated in kind.) Cut to getting home, he had massive blow up, calling me a fucking whore, stupid cow, I should fuck off back to my ExH as he was a twat as well, threw cat food pouches at me (lol now but scary at the time) then barged me out the way to get through the door, all in front of the DC. At the end he states he's had enough of me talking to him like shit and he wants to leave.

He called his parents and told them he was leaving me, I had already taken the DC to my parents as I was so upset & they were visibly frightenedand I just wanted to get out the house. Was still adament he was leaving when I got back, was still very verbally abusive.

Today, his bday, he says he doesn't want to leave really, its my fault for always being horrible to him and making him angry and he is looking for some small glimmer that I am willing to change my attitude towards him and then he we stay. No apologies, just more accusations and telling me just how horrible I am.

This is not the first time but defo the worst. Have been having counselling but not really helping it seems. Not sure that I want him to stay if I have to ignore/excuse any behaviour he does that I don't like (staying out with mates till early hours, spending money we don't have on stuff for himself (tshirts, trainers, new tattoo) when me & DC going without).

Don't know what the way forward is. So confused. Asked Parents if I am that bad, we have close bond & they will tell me if I'm being too bossy etc. They think I have been very accommodating over the years but can't make my mind up for me. Need some clarity......

Olympia2012 Thu 31-May-12 23:23:09

Can you imagine going through dc teen years with him? Growing old with him?

He sounds awful. Lots of posts like this tonight, you dont seem to be on your own

Xales Thu 31-May-12 23:27:52

Not sure that I want him to stay if I have to ignore/excuse any behaviour he does that I don't like (staying out with mates till early hours, spending money we don't have on stuff for himself (tshirts, trainers, new tattoo) when me & DC going without).

Says it all to me. He is selfish. He will not stop being selfish all the time you just stay with him.

If he seriously wants a relationship with you (and you want one with him)

He needs radical intervention to deal with his passenger road rage. I am sure I do not need to tell you just how dangerous that was! Or that it was not your fault if another driver was a twat or how he responded to it.

Radical intervention to deal with his vile abusive language and behaviour towards you.

Plus a complete personality overhaul to stop him treating himself as number 1 while you and your DC suffer.

Today, his bday, he says he doesn't want to leave really, its my fault for always being horrible to him and making him angry and he is looking for some small glimmer that I am willing to change my attitude towards him and then he we stay. No apologies, just more accusations and telling me just how horrible I am.

This tells you that none of the above is going to happen as he does not think he is to blame. So why does he have to change?

workshy Thu 31-May-12 23:29:19

leave the bastard

seriously I was in a relationship where he could behave how he liked but if I breathed in a way that annoyed him I was expected to spend the next 3 weeks grovelling and appologising over and over again

it's a terrible example to set to your DCs and awful for you to live with

your parents sound lovely BTW

cestlavielife Thu 31-May-12 23:29:37

Seems clear from here.
Separate.
Your dc don't deserve to be living scared awaiting the next outburst

Lueji Thu 31-May-12 23:31:37

Even if there are any redeeming features, why are you with him.

You might as well let him go, or rather, ask him to please go.

TooMuchJD Thu 31-May-12 23:44:56

Have already been divorced once so feel a real failure. This is our 3rd lot of counselling. Not trusting my own instincts anymore. I used to be sooooo confident, now i'm always questioning myself.

I am no angel, if I'm upset/angry about stuff I have to deal with it then move on, I don't do sulking. I go up, sort it out then calm down, forgotten about. Wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak.

Can't even defend him with redeeming features. Can't see any at the moment. (He really loves his nan???....bout the best I can muster)

Am I being a real dick about this? I appreciate this is only a small part of the bigger picture and only my view of it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 31-May-12 23:45:58

If he's only nice to you as long as everything's going his way, flies off the handle at the slightest thing and blames you whenever he loses his temper he's a BULLY. Personally, I think that's a character trait that is not to be tolerated and I would tell him to stay exactly where he is.

HerHissyness Thu 31-May-12 23:47:53

I may have put up with shit in the past, and i'm working hard to heal from it, but No-one gets to call me a fucking whore and remain in my life.

That's not a whoops statement, that's utter contempt.

You need to ask this twat why he should remain under your roof?

Don't take this shit.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 31-May-12 23:47:59

The only dick in all this is him. You're questioning yourself because you've been with him so long you think the way he's acting is normally. It's not a failure to love people who turn out to be arses. Just bad luck

Angelico Thu 31-May-12 23:48:01

Your 'D'H is a selfish teenager who accepts no responsibility for his own actions. He has changed his mind about leaving because he has probably realised that he has nowhere to go and it's all too much effort so he would rather pretend to be Lord Bountiful by staying.

Take the decision out of his hands and kick the arsehole out on his ear.

Xales Thu 31-May-12 23:48:50

Is it counselling which has led him to the conclusion of its my fault for always being horrible to him and making him angry and he is looking for some small glimmer that I am willing to change my attitude towards him and then he we stay. No apologies, just more accusations and telling me just how horrible I am.

I would suggest the counselling isn't working with a vile, bad tempered, verbally abusive man who doesn't care about scaring young children.

If the first two lots didn't work walk away now because it never will.

AnyFucker Thu 31-May-12 23:50:16

take him up on his first offer

he takes his verbally and physically abusive self out of yours, and the dc's, lives

make this the last time he humiliates you in public and you allow him to show your children such a bad example of how a real man should act

HerHissyness Thu 31-May-12 23:50:20

The fault here is not yours! Ok, so you need to work on your boundaries, esteem.. etc, but he's choosing to scare and abuse you and your family.

He's not good enough.

AnyFucker Thu 31-May-12 23:52:16

and anybody who ever says to you "I might consider staying while you continue to wash my clothes and suck my dick and I treat you like shit if you improve yourself" should be shown the door

Throw him out. It won't get any better. He thinks that women are inferior to men and that he's entitled to bully and punish you and insist on your submission. He's abusive so don't waste any more time on couple-counselling, go and see a solicitor and get a plan of action to have him removed from the house.

tribpot Thu 31-May-12 23:53:49

Counselling isn't really recommended in situations like these, given anything you admit there can be twisted and flung back at you later, if the other person isn't equally committed to it being a process that benefits you both. You might find some help from sole counselling, although I think your head is trying to tell you what the answer to this is. he says he doesn't want to leave really, its my fault for always being horrible to him and making him angry and he is looking for some small glimmer that I am willing to change my attitude towards him and then he we stay.

Or in other words, he doesn't want to lose his (metaphorical) punching bag, who looks after him and raises his children. I hope you know you are worth more than that.

AnyFucker Thu 31-May-12 23:54:30

give up any more plans of joint counselling with an abuser like this

road rage massive red flag

verbal abuse massive red flag

throwing things at you domestic violence and a massive red flag

pusing you around domestic violence and a massive red flag

next time, it'll be a slap, a small one

after that, the sky is the limit

AnyFucker Thu 31-May-12 23:54:43

pushing

ihavequestions Thu 31-May-12 23:57:26

Counselling isn't appropriate for an abusive relationship, it's not designed for that.

PiedWagtail Fri 01-Jun-12 00:07:00

Sorry- he sounds selfish and immature and not committed to you or his dcs. Leave the bastard! (Sorry - but I think you should think seriously abouttb he future of this relationship).

TooMuchJD Fri 01-Jun-12 00:33:07

I get the impression he wants me to kick him out so I am seen as the "bad guy". Gives him the excuse to carp on about what a bitch I am to anyone who'll listen.

Tribpot that is exactly what he does so I no longer share anything of any meaning with him as I know he will use it against me further down the line. Not really a good basis for a relationship.

Divorce was really messy the first time,not looking forward to having to go through that crap again.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee Fri 01-Jun-12 00:39:24

Tell him it's no longer up to him - he is leaving. Tell him YOU no longer wish to put up with his attitude, temper and general shit behaviour. Take the power away from him.

He'll carp on no matter what is said behind closed doors, nothing you do or say will change that, so don't worry about it.

You can't let the children grow up in this kind of an environment (and it will get worse the older and more challenging they get!).

So you've been divorced before <shrug>- it happens and these days you aren't going to be 'cast out' from society wink.

You'll be wiser this time :0) x You can do it. You deserve MUCH better than this prat. Living alone (with the kids) would be much better than living with this tit.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 01-Jun-12 00:41:07

Whether you kick him out or not, you're already the bad guy. His first reaction this time was to go blubbing to mummy.

You cant stop him from giving his view of events regardless of who kicks who out. Dont let this stop you.

Agree with Chipping and the rest on this thread.

You are not a failure for leaving an abusive relationship. On the contrary.

sassy34264 Fri 01-Jun-12 01:40:38

i'm sorry, but i had to laugh. <hollow laugh>

he's looking for a small glimmer of hope that YOU'LL change, so he can stay.

you should have said, that you'll never change- so jog on. grin

seriously, abusers are so good at this. no apology- it's not their fault after all. twisting events, so it messes with your head.

so let me get this straight

he's actually trying to turn this around, so that you
a, admit it was your fault,
b, change your ways accordingly and
c, the prize for doing so will be that you get to keep him.

wow!

AnyFucker Fri 01-Jun-12 07:14:15

he is the booby prize

the poisoned chalice

HerHissyness Fri 01-Jun-12 07:35:35

He's only just starting his extreme abuse, if you strike hard, and fast, you've got more chance of getting this situation resolved quicker.

If you let this rumble on, he'll devastate you, your kids and everything you hold dear,

Send him home to mummy, and keep talking to us.

Don't think this will ever improve, it won't. This is him, this is abuse, this is dangerous.

He'll hit you. Soon.

Be brave. Do the right thing. Get him out.

Its not you, its him.

Let him go for your sake and your kids sake.

HerHissyness Fri 01-Jun-12 07:46:18

He doesn't think you're strong enough to stand up to him.

He knows that if you agree to his demand for YOU to change, he'll have beaten you.

If he beats you in this instance, WHEN he kicks off again (worse than before) he'll be able to say "well you put up with it before..."

They do this to wear you down, until even if you could get away you won't. He's conditioning you for a lifetime of hardcore abuse.

When your DC get old enough to have opinions, they'll cop it too.

This isn't your fault, it's not your doing. You can't change him, he's doing this because he wants to.

You have to make him leave.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango Fri 01-Jun-12 07:46:25

He can tell people whatever the hell he likes. If they bother to ask you you'll be able to set them straight if you feel they should know.

This isnt a life. This isn't a way to raise children.

And 3 lots of counselling do not point to a failure as a wife. It shows just how hard you've tried to fight for this but ultimately you aren't right together.

No wonder you've had enough sad

pinkpyjamas Fri 01-Jun-12 08:02:24

"and he is looking for some small glimmer that I am willing to change my attitude towards him"

.... so he can continue to be explosive, unpredictable, aggressive, abusive, violent and threatening in front of the mother of his children, and those tiny, impressionable children themselves.

you do need to change your attitude, TooMuch, but not in the way he is demanding. you need to remove this man from your life, and from the lives of your children until he has sought help to control his anger and address his violence.

he doesn't get to make the decisions here, because he is the one who is behaving unreasonably.

please protect yourself and your children.

your abusive partner can spend as much time dwelling on how hard done to he feels / telling people how awful you are / blah de blah de blah ...... as long as he is doing it from a safe distance.

he needs to leave.

Mama1980 Fri 01-Jun-12 08:07:08

You need to leave him, and I don't often say that. His behaviour is awful. No body and I mean nobody would ever get to call me a fucking whore and remain in my life. Tell him to go and not come back!

BIWItheBold Fri 01-Jun-12 08:07:34

Stop thinking of yourself as a failure because you have already been divorced before.

Stop worrying about being seen as the bad guy.

And don't think about the divorce process at the moment.

Just focus on getting him to leave.

He is the bad guy and he needs to be out of your and your DC's lives.

I think counselling for you would be a really good idea to help you re-build your self-esteem and your self-confidence.

Sorry for you that you're going through this sad

runningforthebusinheels Fri 01-Jun-12 08:21:46

"I used to be sooooo confident, now i'm always questioning myself"

The answer is right there for you - why stay with someone who is damaging your self confidence? He is abusing and controlling you.

And nobody who called me a 'fucking whore' would remain in my company for more than the next 5 seconds. Getting a tattoo while you and making the dc go without - what a low-life he sounds. angry

What all the others have written here.

Its not you, its him. My friend has now been divorced twice (she had abuse within both marriages); half of all second marriages fail.

Your children are already learning damaging lessons about relationships.

You are NOT a failure if you leave this person; he is the bad guy here. Abusers always make it out to be the other person's fault; what he is doing here to you is textbook. He's following that worn script.

Couples counselling is NEVER recommended when there is ongoing abuse; its not going to work and gives him even more ammo to bash you with mentally. He will hit you soon enough.

Please call your parents and tell them what is really happening here. Also call Womens Aid and seek legal advice. You may think you're powerless but you are truly not.

You have a choice re this man - your children do not. He as a father to them will damage them emotionally. He is not part of the legacy you want to leave them.

ledkr Fri 01-Jun-12 09:34:35

hold on he keeps saying you talk to him badly,he called you a whore.That would be enough for me to be honest it really would.

pictish Fri 01-Jun-12 09:42:29

I also agree with everyone else.

He's a wrong un isn't he? He behaves appallingly towards you and scares his children too, then swiftly turns it around so that you must apologise to him and try harder to keep him.

Hahahahahahaha <----- sardonic laugh

He is not abusive because he is angry. He is angry because he is abusive.

and

It's not you, it's him.

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