Odd situation and need some advice

[MushroomSoup]

Married 10 years, we have a child aged 7. I have older children who spend the week between our house and their dad's. it's a long standing arrangement that works great.
Our relationship has always been strong - the very best I could hope for. We have fun, great sex, a lot of banter and laughter and he is wonderful with all the DCs.
He is stressed lately because of changes in his work force - there is a possibility he may lose his job (through no fault of his). We both work fulltime. This has been dragging on since summer with no conclusion.
Understandably he's been snappy and worried at times but just before Xmas he turned on me - over a wisecrack comment I made, can't remember what! - and he screamed at me that I was a fucking cunt.
Since then, he has been perfectly civil to me but has neither touched me, kissed me or properly spoken to me. He has really withdrawn.
Today he made an odd comment that he has to teach the DCs' manners because they wouldn't get any with me. I work with children for a living and am known for my high expectations!
I am now getting to the end of my tether. He is honestly a lovely man but I can't do this for much longer.
Advice please.

[ArthurandGeorge]

I agree with Fergus.

It seems like your h has focussed massively on your children's manners out of all proportion to the actual problem (which is pretty non-existent by the sounds of it). It sounds like he has become fixated on this idea. I really suspect that it's related to his work stress and that his mental health is pretty poor.

This doesn't mean that you and the dc need to put up with living in what is an increasingly abusive atmosphere but imo it does mean that if his mental health issues are addressed you might get your dh back. But that has to be down to him.

[MushroomSoup]

Fergus and Arthur and everybody else that has posted in a similar vein - I think you've hit the nail on the head. DS (his SS) has his own iPod touch, bought and paid for with his own money. We limit the time they spend on gadgets or else they would be on them all day long! I told him I was happy for him to use it before school (he only had one school morning with us per week) as long as he was dressed, washed, ready to go etc and it did not make him late for school.

I then found out DH had given him a 2 day iPod ban for using it on the school morning. He doesn't think he should be allowed it in the mornings before school. My compromise was the ban couldn't stand because he was doing what I'd asked, but in future he couldn't use it before school.

DH sees this as a clear example of being undermined. He can't see that there has to be negotiation and compromise, and actually he undermined me by putting a ban in place without even letting me know.

[cincodemayo]

God this thread took me back....

When my previously adoring husband was having an affair, he constantly pulled the kids up on their table manners and every family meal there would be an explosion of some sort.

When he went for counselling afterwards, his therapist said that this is really common in affairs and that when people feel out of control and stressed by an affair, they focus on trivial things like table manners and children's behaviour as a means of getting some control back. Plus, if they are struggling to find things to blame in their relationship or with their wives, the kids are an easy target.

Now he's left, I'd be 100% certain this is an affair. There isn't a 'type' believe me. I'm still with my husband and we're over it, but when I told some friends about it I think some of them thought I must have lost the plot, so unlikely was it that my husband was the type to do this. It shook a lot of people up I can tell you. One friend said that if this could happen in my marriage to my particular husband, it could happen to anyone and she's right.

[MushroomSoup]

Well he went out with the dog, came back and went out in the car. He was gone an hour or so and is now in the living room reading the paper. His suitcase is half packed in our bedroom and he has a sleeping bag in the living room. He had taken away the wii and the iPad cos the kids don't deserve them!
But he hasn't gone....

[MushroomSoup]

Still don't think it's an affair. Maybe I'm stupid. But I think it's exactly what you said cincodemayo - he's stressed and feels out of control and has magnified probably the only little niggle in our relationship.

[cincodemayo]

What have the children done in the last few hours to deserve having their things taken away?

Don't let this be all up to him you know.

If you want him to leave, make him leave. Don't let childcare get in the way of making the right decision for you and your family.

[cincodemayo]

You'd be mad to rule out an affair.

If he's always been a good husband and dad, it's the most likely cause of this behaviour.

Can I ask why you are so adamant? It's no reflection on you if he's having an affair, you know.

[MushroomSoup]

I just know him well. I'm fully aware that sounds stupid and naive. This change has crept up as his job has become less secure. Work wise, something comes to a head next week and I think that the stress of this has been the final straw for him.

[cincodemayo]

I thought for weeks it was my husband's job that was the problem. Indeed that's what he told me when I questioned him about his personality change.

He was telling the truth too, to an extent. The affair was an escape from the stress at work, but in reality it made life much more stressful.

I knew my husband well too and if I hadn't found out by accident I would have been just like you, saying it wasn't possible. Afterwards I wished I'd considered it more seriously.

Regardless, don't let him call all the shots here.

[Skyebluesapphire]

I hate to join the club, but my XH was the most unlikely man to have an affair. I would not have out it on a list of 100 things he might do, that's how sure I was. Even when I discovered 100texts a day to OW, I excused it because I simply couldn't believe it....,

Sadly it turned out to be true and everybody that knows him is gibsmacked and his family still won't believe it.

[MrsTomHardy]

Sorry but why is he still there??
And why are you still letting him take away your children's things??

I would give your children their things back and tell him he's leaving, like he said he was going to do!
Sorry you're going through this!

[MushroomSoup]

He actually told me he was leaving 'this week'. We'll see.

[StuffezLaBouche]

So he's been out having said he's leaving, then cone back and said he's going 'in the week'. I think the person he was banking on staying with has said he can't at the moment so he's slunk back. How dare he dictate the terms like that? Why are the kids having their stuff taken away for no good reason?

[cincodemayo]

Why are you letting him call all the shots?

If you don't show some backbone about this and be the children's advocate, you'll hate yourself afterwards.

Take control and ask him to leave now. You say he's got a place to go to, what's the delay?

[cincodemayo]

I'd phone his friend and ask if he's been in touch about staying.

[MushroomSoup]

He said yesterday he would make arrangements to leave in the week. I think that's why he went out today. I'm not expecting him to leave for a few days.
Kids are all fine, they've gone to the park together to play in the snow.

I have been washing, ironing and cooking as usual - but of course, not for him! That's gonna be a shock!

[MushroomSoup]

I've already shown backbone, don't you worry. He told me he was 'considering' us splitting up so I told him to consider it done. I also told him that I was not getting involved in his drama. If he wants to leave, he can damn well leave. If he doesn't leave, he can see to himself.

My prediction is he'll go this week or he won't go and will stay ensconced in the living room...but he'll sulk cos this isn't blowing over. And he can sulk as long as he damn well likes until he apologises and sorts himself out. Then maybe we'll talk.

[JustFabulous]

What a horrible man!

[ErikNorseman]

Can't you make him go today? It will be awful for you and the kids to have him hanging around like a bad smell. It might make him realise what he's doing too - assuming he isn't having an affair. And the signs are classic, I'm afraid. I hope I'm wrong.

[MushroomSoup]

JustFabulous he really isn't a horrible man. He is usually funny, affectionate, kind, caring, brill with the DCs and pulls his weight. I want that man back. He's been gone a month.

[Brightonite]

I hope you are ok Mushroom - such difficult days for you. I suspect that there is much more going on here but hope that you resolve things so that you are happy, respected and in a good environment for the dcs.

[JaxTellerIsMyFriend]

this sounds like he has pushed you so you tell him to leave - removing guilt from him. "She told me to go" etc etc.

Im sorry mushroom but this behaviour isnt on - especially not using a foot near the head. I understand he didnt kick her in the head, and know what you mean but there really was no need for him to behave that way. Sounds to me like he wanted an 'out'.

[MushroomSoup]

He's knows where he stands with regard to that, Jax. I will bloody kill him if he ever touches my children like that again.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Hope you are ok, Mushroom. I think my DH and I are at the stage you were at a few weeks back so I feel for you. My dh has changed too from beig lovely to making some hurtful comments and being a bit controlling at times. I can't see how to stop it all slowly escalating.

Consider your hand held.

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

Mushroom, you need to insist he leaves.

It's so unfair on the kds, him telling them he's going and then just setting up on the sofa.

I know we only get a limited view from your posts but everything seems so much on his terms. He calls you a cunt and emotionally withdraws, and you make the effort to patch things up and see if he's okay. He says he's leaving, you tell him to get out, he changes his mind and punishes the kids for nothing. You have to insist he leaves.

I d t mean to give you a hard time because you're coping brilliantly but I hate to see you put yourself out to accommodate such an arsehole.