Odd situation and need some advice

[MushroomSoup]

Married 10 years, we have a child aged 7. I have older children who spend the week between our house and their dad's. it's a long standing arrangement that works great.
Our relationship has always been strong - the very best I could hope for. We have fun, great sex, a lot of banter and laughter and he is wonderful with all the DCs.
He is stressed lately because of changes in his work force - there is a possibility he may lose his job (through no fault of his). We both work fulltime. This has been dragging on since summer with no conclusion.
Understandably he's been snappy and worried at times but just before Xmas he turned on me - over a wisecrack comment I made, can't remember what! - and he screamed at me that I was a fucking cunt.
Since then, he has been perfectly civil to me but has neither touched me, kissed me or properly spoken to me. He has really withdrawn.
Today he made an odd comment that he has to teach the DCs' manners because they wouldn't get any with me. I work with children for a living and am known for my high expectations!
I am now getting to the end of my tether. He is honestly a lovely man but I can't do this for much longer.
Advice please.

[FiercePanda]

How's it going, OP? Is he still hanging about, taking away your kids things and being a mardy dick?

[cincodemayo]

What I don't understand about this thread is that there doesn't seem to have been any conversation between the two of you about what on earth is going on. Just lots of high dudgeon and game-playing, with neither of you giving in.
I can see why he doesn't want to talk (because he's having an affair I'm sure) but I don't really understand your response to this OP. It's almost as though you don't want to confront the truth and believe that as long as he's still there, everything in your world is normal. If your relationship used to be good, this seems like a strange way to behave and it must be enormously confusing for your children.

Why don't you at least try to find out what's going on and decide from there?

[Skyebluesapphire]

My XH started to change this time last year shortly after meeting OW.... I recall one day at my parents, when DD, 3yo, tried to grab his phone to play with it while he was on facebook. he pushed her away so hard that she fell over..... he had never treated her like that before.... he also got very bad tempered with her at bedtime, to the point that I had to take over several times because he was shouting at her.

Nobody that knew him here, and nobody in his family, can believe what he did. He acted so out of character, the solid, reliable, considerate, family man..... walked out overnight.

I honestly do hope for you that this isn't the case, but I really don't think that you can dismiss it out of hand so firmly. I know that because I did exactly the same thing when my XH walked out, knew that there was no way he could behave like that, but very sadly, he did...

[delilahlilah]

I couldn't stand it Mushroom, I would have to insist that he left. I have no idea as regards the affair, but he isn't behaving as someone who loves you would. You and the DCs come first, and this situation must be awful for them. He's not going to change while he's getting away with making a nuisance of himself......

[JaxTellerIsMyFriend]

have you told him to go? I couldnt stand him being around the house acting like there was nothing going on. Would drive me crazy, maybe that is what he is hoping for. An excuse.

[Badvoc]

There is another woman op
No one - no one - has a complete personality change overnight. And the most likely scenario is just that, the most likely.
It is far more likely he is cheating and following the cheaters script (check it out) than he is depressed or ill.
So sorry.

[MushroomSoup]

Still here. Very odd. I think he's annoyed by me singing around the house as usual. Maybe he wants me to cry in a corner!

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

How are things, OP? Is he still there?

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Reading this sounds so familiar - apart from the violence and removal of gadgets, my DH displayed these classic behaviours.

We blamed it on work stress etc.

He was shagging OW all along.

I didn't think he was the type to have an affair esp given his family history - friends and family members were shocked.

[smornintime]

How are you doing mush?

[JustFabulous]

Well I am sorry if you are upset with what I said your husband was but he is behaving like a horrible man. If he is ill or under stress then he should seek help. That is what a decent person does. He doesn't kick his child and abuse his wife.

[irabelle]

Is there a role for his GP in all this?

[cincodemayo]

But why would you even put up with the prospect of him sulking around the house? And why are you letting him take the children's things from them when they've done nothing wrong?

You shouldn't be predicting what he will do. Take it out of his hands. It's not going to be good for the children if you two are having a stand-off and ignoring eachother and sorting your own meals out.

Is your problem incidentally that you think that lovely men don't have affairs? Because they do, you know. Or maybe you think that affairs only happen when someone's got an unhappy home life? Wrong again.

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

Mushroom, you need to insist he leaves.

It's so unfair on the kds, him telling them he's going and then just setting up on the sofa.

I know we only get a limited view from your posts but everything seems so much on his terms. He calls you a cunt and emotionally withdraws, and you make the effort to patch things up and see if he's okay. He says he's leaving, you tell him to get out, he changes his mind and punishes the kids for nothing. You have to insist he leaves.

I d t mean to give you a hard time because you're coping brilliantly but I hate to see you put yourself out to accommodate such an arsehole.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Hope you are ok, Mushroom. I think my DH and I are at the stage you were at a few weeks back so I feel for you. My dh has changed too from beig lovely to making some hurtful comments and being a bit controlling at times. I can't see how to stop it all slowly escalating.

Consider your hand held.

[MushroomSoup]

He's knows where he stands with regard to that, Jax. I will bloody kill him if he ever touches my children like that again.

[JaxTellerIsMyFriend]

this sounds like he has pushed you so you tell him to leave - removing guilt from him. "She told me to go" etc etc.

Im sorry mushroom but this behaviour isnt on - especially not using a foot near the head. I understand he didnt kick her in the head, and know what you mean but there really was no need for him to behave that way. Sounds to me like he wanted an 'out'.

[Brightonite]

I hope you are ok Mushroom - such difficult days for you. I suspect that there is much more going on here but hope that you resolve things so that you are happy, respected and in a good environment for the dcs.

[MushroomSoup]

JustFabulous he really isn't a horrible man. He is usually funny, affectionate, kind, caring, brill with the DCs and pulls his weight. I want that man back. He's been gone a month.

[ErikNorseman]

Can't you make him go today? It will be awful for you and the kids to have him hanging around like a bad smell. It might make him realise what he's doing too - assuming he isn't having an affair. And the signs are classic, I'm afraid. I hope I'm wrong.

[JustFabulous]

What a horrible man!

[MushroomSoup]

I've already shown backbone, don't you worry. He told me he was 'considering' us splitting up so I told him to consider it done. I also told him that I was not getting involved in his drama. If he wants to leave, he can damn well leave. If he doesn't leave, he can see to himself.

My prediction is he'll go this week or he won't go and will stay ensconced in the living room...but he'll sulk cos this isn't blowing over. And he can sulk as long as he damn well likes until he apologises and sorts himself out. Then maybe we'll talk.

[MushroomSoup]

He said yesterday he would make arrangements to leave in the week. I think that's why he went out today. I'm not expecting him to leave for a few days.
Kids are all fine, they've gone to the park together to play in the snow.

I have been washing, ironing and cooking as usual - but of course, not for him! That's gonna be a shock!