Odd situation and need some advice

[MushroomSoup]

Married 10 years, we have a child aged 7. I have older children who spend the week between our house and their dad's. it's a long standing arrangement that works great.
Our relationship has always been strong - the very best I could hope for. We have fun, great sex, a lot of banter and laughter and he is wonderful with all the DCs.
He is stressed lately because of changes in his work force - there is a possibility he may lose his job (through no fault of his). We both work fulltime. This has been dragging on since summer with no conclusion.
Understandably he's been snappy and worried at times but just before Xmas he turned on me - over a wisecrack comment I made, can't remember what! - and he screamed at me that I was a fucking cunt.
Since then, he has been perfectly civil to me but has neither touched me, kissed me or properly spoken to me. He has really withdrawn.
Today he made an odd comment that he has to teach the DCs' manners because they wouldn't get any with me. I work with children for a living and am known for my high expectations!
I am now getting to the end of my tether. He is honestly a lovely man but I can't do this for much longer.
Advice please.

[Allergictoironing]

Morning Mushroom. I can't really help any here, except to hold your hand this morning.

Hold on there for the sake of the DCs, and call a family member you can talk to as soon as you're sure they are up.

[StuffezLaBouche]

Another hand here too. On phone so sorry for typos. I remember this thread, it had to blow up eventually but im sorry to hear hr hss gone. Where will he be staying?
And why is instilling manners only your responsibility?

[kittybiscuits]

Hi soup sorry to hear things are hard. Maybe it's positive that things have come to a bit of a head. You have been picking up his hostility and resentment. Now he's voiced it. You handled it really well. Let him go for a few days - it will give you a bit of space and give him a reality check. When the dust has settled a bit, maybe you can mull over whether there is any real basis for what he has said about your DCs. Or whether he is just fault-picking and seeking justification for his own shitty behaviour. What's the plan today? Let him go with minimal fuss and try to do something that will be a distraction today. If he's worth it, he'll be back.

[MushroomSoup]

He says that where he stays is none of my fucking business.

He actually told me that he has STAYED with us because 'someone had to teach them some manners' which I find incredibly hard to hear.
They are actually good kids (3 young teens). They help around the house, they are good company, they are polite with excellent school records. Of course they are not angels - there is occasionally eye rolling, a slammed door, a 'whatever' - but this is manageable and to be expected. He hates their table manners because sometimes he can hear them eat or they hold a cake with too many fingers. This is absolutely NOT my lovely husband but I can't let this go on for the sake of the DCs - who actually all have a very good relationship with him. He's been here since they were toddlers

[MushroomSoup]

Yes of course I'm going to let him go with no fuss. I'm just worrying about child care in the morning! I leave really early and he usually takes DD to school!

[Sugary]

I'm sorry this is happening. I would ring work and tell them you'll be late. Are you a teacher? I know how difficult it is to be flexible if that's the case, though.

Xx

[FergusSingsTheBlues]

You need to have a straight discussion with him. This sudden hatred of you and your kids seems torally irrational and id be concerned about his mental health. People dont just 'switch' for no reason, do they?

[StuffezLaBouche]

Your kids sound great! His attitude is bewildering, really. I hate to say it, but i think you need to brsve yourself for the possibility of an affair. I think thid manners bollocks has been a long standing excuse, (a crap one but all he can come up with) so hes got a "valid" reason for leaving. Have you got someone eith you?

[pmgkt]

I think you need to see counsellor together, soon before more things are said. I don't think the kids are the problem, unless maybe he is struggling with them growing up and losing control. Seeing someone may at least you may get some answers even if they aren't what you want to hear. Wishing you all the best.

[Cherylkerl]

Totally agree with justaboutchilledout

My ex was abusive - treat me with utter contempt, constantly demanding money etc, not thanking me for a brew or anything. But if I said 'what?' Rather than 'pardon', I was common/rude and in the end, I was allowed to cook dinner or buy takeaway but took to eating in a separate room because of the glares or comments regarding my lack of table manners, he constantly berated all my manners. Urgh sorry for the thread hijack, just realised how well shot I am. Anyway, my point being the ridiculous double standards.

I wonder if his shitty behaviour has gone off for longer than you think.

Hope you can get some practical support re childcare and emotional support. Your children are lucky to have you.

[SPBInDisguise]

He sounds like he is going through something. Don't let him change your view of your lovely family. All is not lost, if he decides he can parent older children he can come back if you want him to and if he is willing to put in some effort. If he can't then you're all better off with him out.
I'm so sorry.

[Pantone363]

Sorry, but affair.

The willingness to leave at the first hint? Men only do that if they have somewhere to leave to.

[ENormaSnob]

Well rid IMO.

[MushroomSoup]

He told me I am looking at my children through rose tinted glasses.
But I work with kids for a living and I know full well mine are good kids. Not perfect, but good kids.
All I can do is tell him I love them and I'm happy with how they are as people. The rest is up to him.
I don't think it's an affair. He has always adored me.
He is stressed. Not that I'm putting up with it though.
I love the bloody bones of him. Today is going to be hard.

[MushroomSoup]

He will be going to his friend's house. A lovely guy who lives alone.

[Allice]

I have no real advice, I'm sorry that you're going through this, it sounds like he's in denial and is blaming everyone but himself.

[FergusSingsTheBlues]

Why is the first reaction on here that he must be having an affair? Please Dont project your own issues onto OP. He's being an arse for sure, but he seems deeply unhappy. I had a severe nervous breakdown a few years ago. I was aggressive and nasty to those around me in the months leading up to it. Currently, im pregnant, just lost my job, super stressed and overly critical of my (normally perfect) husband and son. Am I having an affair? No.

[smornintime]

Hope you get to the bottom of it all mushroom. Another hand to hold here!

[StuffezLaBouche]

Fairly patronising there, Fergus! I was one who suggested an affair, and i stand by it as a possibility. Certainly not "projecting my own issues" in any way. From your post, i would suggest it is in fact YOU doing any "projecting".
I hope things look up for you.

[countingto10]

Seriously do not discount an affair. My DH wasn't the type, was seriously stressed with the business etc, etc...

Of course he was having an affair, engineered arguments out of nothing to justify it and also to engineer the "that's it I'm leaving" crap, also told me it's none of my business where he will be staying "with mates" was mentioned, no one specific. You get the drift.

If his behaviour has changed relatively recently and he has upped the ante with the vileness then this is probably the reason. My DH was truly vile to me, like he had morphed into someone else.

Take care, and look after yourself first and foremost. Treat yourself to some small treats, bubble baths, new hairdo.

[AlbertaCampion]

Well, I'm with Fergus. A lot of what you have written here, OP, could have been written word for word about my husband, who has an anxiety disorder.

Another hand-holder here, OP. You're going to have to grow some more arms.

[Badvoc]

Don't assume he isn't have an affair, but dint assume he is either.
People change.
Sad, but true.
I am sorry, op' but you and your kids are well rid of someone like this.

[Allaquandry]

Tbh, I imagine that because of your job you've kind of expected all the teenage grumpiness and less than perfect behaviour, so have you possibly never, ever discussed this with DH, nor got stressed by it? I expect in normal families the script is that your kids start acting a bit like scrotes, you both find it difficult to deal with, you ask each other what's wrong, each of you moans to others and you then together discover and discuss that this is all normal and work out a joint strategy. If you've not been doing that then he's probably feeling undermined at work and then undermined at home - especially if he sees you taking it all in your stride whilst his teeth itch at all the buttons that start getting pushed.

There's a big difference of course between reasoning his behaviour and excusing it, and he has acted like a total arse. But I think the above is just as likely an explanation of cause as any suggestion of an affair.