Heartbroken and struggling to cope

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Maleview is indeed male,, and you would do well to heed his words along with all the other brilliant advice you have had here

The only thing I would add is that you need to have a plan for how you will resist him inevitably come crawling back. You have succumbed before after some of the most appalling emotional abuse and manipulation. What is going to be different this time ?

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

anyfucker because I've been truthful with everyone to the point if no return. I've stopped hiding what I really felt and my emotions. I've told those that I really love and trust everything. For them i'll not ever go back

Should I speak to his ex in time? Also a friend of mine from se time back? Or does that just look pathetic?

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

For them I'll never go back

I am not knocking what gets you through, but you will not be "safe" from this man until you never go back for YOURSELF

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Wrong thread, overly?

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

I know. I need to get there. It wasn't my decision to leave it to be taken away. But it had to be the right decision and it had to after the hell I've been through these last 3 days. Without question the lowest point in my life :(

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Abusive men foster this "it's us against the world" mindset. If you are as stuck on him as you say, you are in danger of ditching the goodwill of your friends and family for your dream of what he could be (if only you could help him...)

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

"Could anyone who has suffered this eat? Or sleep? 3 days and not even hungry. Or thirsty."

Takes more than some mardy bastard bloke to put me off me food :) Important to eat so that you have some energy because things are always worse when you're knackered and malnourished. Chicken soup, a multivitamin and plenty of hot, sweet tea...

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

I can't and I won't! He's some enough. I've never been this low how dare he do this to me I must get angry

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

Ah cogit tried everything, just can't stomach it

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

The heartbreak diet.

You will survive and lose a few pounds in the process. Win/win

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

"Should I speak to his ex in time? Also a friend of mine from se time back? Or does that just look pathetic?"

Best to face forward rather than back. Not sure what you'd want to speak to his ex about but the longer you obsess about his motives, his actions and his words it will prevent you from progressing. You'll stagnate at the 'why would he do this to me?' stage for too long.

[amillionyears]

Sorry Chaos, couldnt come back till now.
Loads of good posts here.
Answered a few of my questions from earlier.
Glad you are only 26. There is a lot of potentail good life ahead of you!

There are quite a lot of things that stand out from what you said.
Agree btw with maleview about looking at a persons childhood and background. It isnt a definite, but it will give you a good idea of how things could pan out.

Also, you said you chased him. Again, an old fashioned view, but I think if the woman has to do a lot of the chasing at the beginning, that is not a good sign to me. I think if a man isnt even prepared to put in a lot of effort in the beginning of the first flushes of a relationship, then they probably are not going to put in more effort later on, when the going gets tougher.

Also, cooking nice meals etc etc isnt much of a guarantee in a relationship, when things are rocky anyway.

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

Hi amillionyears again!

I didn't chase him in the beginning, he persued me. I fell in love and by nature am caring and would see right by anyone. So I did . At detriment to myself

[amillionyears]

I personally dont think you need be bothered too much about the eating. Drink something yes [of the non alcholic variety may be best in he circumstances],eating, not so much.

Sleeping, lying in the bed as if you are going to sleep, should give you some rest at least.

[amillionyears]

Did you try and "rescue" him, as well as fall in love with him?

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

anyfucker stomach looking very trim, lol!

I wish I could sleep i love my sleep and am so used to him holding me in bed

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

Didn't see it as rescue as things were incredible for the first 4 months. I tried to help him with his anger and demons ie the suicids threats by suggesting counselling. His mother is such am attention seeker though and I wonder if infact a lot if it was just that

[meddie]

not being able to eat is a pretty common response. that will pass.
Please do not contact him or let him contact you. I can't stress how important that is, I know its hard and you just want to talk or hear their voice. But you really need to go cold turkey. Its like an addiction, little bits of contact feed that addiction and prolong the withdrawal and will ultimately drag out the process of getting past this initial painful stage.

It does get better it really does. It wont happen overnight and this initial raw stage can last a while and is hard to face knowing how painful it can be. but you have to be strong and gradually you will realise. you aren't looking at your phone so often, he isn't the first thing you think about, you stop obsessing about what went wrong/whats he doing etc etc.

Good luck on your journey, believe me its worth it.You will look back in a year and think What the hell was that about, what did I see in him. You need the distance to be able to see this clearly. Remaining entangled with him through the drip drip of irregular contact wont allow you to disentangle your feelings.

[amillionyears]

Your posts of 10.05am , 10.09am and 10.18a, are illuminating.

It sounds like you brushed things under the carpet. You knew things were wrong, but just kept looking for the good things about him.
And you were not very honest with yourself.

[tribpot]

These aren't 'anger management issues', OP. He doesn't get angry when he abuses, he chooses to behave abusively. It is much more controlled than it may appear.

Many posters on here who have escaped abusive relationships wish they had gone to the police in retrospect. Particularly when he starts on his next victim. It's not vengeful to report being the victim of a crime.

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

amillionyears and tribpot, I did brush things under the carpet, I accepted his behaviour as the sacrifice I had to make to be in love and create the perfect image. We had everything, wanted for nothing. But in reality I had nothing.

He is permanently angry , be it work, me and my chaos , his mother, the uncontrollable. He just snaps. One time we went to get the bus into torn and he asked if I had change, I did ie pound coins and not down to the 10p. I said yes and we boarded the bus. I hadn't realised it was correct change (never use bus) and we were short and all I had was a 20 note which driver wouldn't accept. Instead of laughing if when I said oh shit ill just pay for a taxi, he stormed off leaving me humiliated, back into house, slammed door and sat upstairs in utter rage and refused to go out. Of course we did go out and it was all ok, until the next time

[amillionyears]

Did you see or notice his anger in the first four months?
Or did he manage to hide it.

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

I didn't see it at all. All hidden

[amillionyears]

Ah. Big problem.
You are saying he managed to hide it all?
Or it was there, but you didnt see it, you were somewhat blinded?

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

He hid it all I had no idea. I was completely in love by the time it happened