What would you say is essential in a good relationship?

[pleasestopcarolling]

I' m not looking for perfect just basic essentiais without which you think a relationship wouldn't work.

[SHoHoHodan]

"Friendship
Laughter
Affection
Showing and telling feelings for each other
Tolerance
Compromise
Fun
Date nights/ time just to be a couple without the kids. "

^^
This.

DH is my second husband. I married the first time when I was 21, having a somewhat warped idea of what marriage was like/should be like (acrimoniously divorced parents and a mother with peculiar ideas about men and marriage in general) and determinedly closed my eyes to the many failings in my marriage.

Second time around I spent more time being single and worked out what was acceptable to me, what was desirable and what could be compromised on. That sounds a bit calculated, I suppose, but I found it necessary and helpful. DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for seven.

[GiveMeSomeSpace]

Met Mrs GMSS 15 years ago - Lived together 12 yrs - Married 10

[marriedandwreathedinholly]

I think you read that wrong Ofred and picked out only the bits you wanted to. After 25 years together we love each other more. I have never felt my DH takes the piss but I do feel we work together as a partnership. Not here do the children tteenagers now) live with harsh words or rows. DS knows he can rely on his dad to be at cricket and sports matches and playing an active part and dd knows he will be at every concert where she plays or sings. Marriage is about compromise, sharing, nurture and love. I knew my DH's lack of interest in cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry before I married him. If I'd wanted a husband who did half of those things I would have married someone else. I didn't want to marry anyone else - then or now.

[Offred]

No, I think you are judgemental, mean and defensive. Great, your kids don't live with arguing because you just compromise your life away, lovely! I don't really know anyone who particularly likes doing those things which you list which are things that are simply just required for running a household, I don't see how it benefits anyone to say "oh well I knew he wasn't that kind of man when I married him"... So? He's not a baby is he and you are not his slave...

[MiniLovesMinxPies]

I'm not that kind of woman, I loathe domestic work but I wouldn't dream of shackling DP to the kitchen.

[SummerDad]

Offred marriedandwreathedinholly is happy with her life, what's wrong with that and calling her judgmental, mean and defensive outright, what do we call that ???

You may call it sexist, old fashioned or defensive but I have seen happy couples with similar disparate but equal sharing of responsibilities within their marriage. Don't bully her please if her way of life does not fit in your POV.

[Offred]

It isn't her way of life not fitting in with my POV it is her nasty smug attack on another poster. Someone not wanting to do any housework is not an acceptable reason for not doing any whether people are happy with that arrangement or not matters little. It isn't equality because abdicating yourself from things you dislike burdens your partner with what are your responsibilities. Plenty of people are "happy with" being put upon by lazy or entitled partners.

It was YOU I called sexist summerdad, I don't know how anyone could stand being married to someone with such offensive views about women: they are all the same and there are rules and who feels justified in excusing themselves from family life/their relationship because they are not expressive/good at multi tasking...

[SummerDad]

Offred two wrong don't make a right. You retaliated with similar "nasty smug attack" on her.

I deliberately did not address your comment about me earlier because I would prefer to keep this thread positive and informative.

When I say I also fund help at home like cleaning and ironing and for the rest I do at least half if not more, it means that we both have very demanding careers and this delegation enables us to spend some quality time with our son.

Preparing our son in the morning and dropping him at the nursery, picking up in the evening, feeding and bathing him before my wife gets home, reading him and putting him to bed are just only a few things I do every day. Now kindly review what you said earlier and decide for yourself how justified your comments are about a stranger you know very little about.

It makes me think you are one of those men who feels entitled not to give to the relationship/change to accommodate your role as a father because you are man and that is women's work...

I am on MN because I consider myself an imperfect man and to understand things which my wife don't generally express and I am unable to comprehend may be because I am "selfish and self absorbed". I have a thread about my own relationship problems where I have found quite positive and constructive advice, thanks to the lovely posters.

[Offred]

It isn't about what you do, it is about you attitude that you fund a home help for her which you are now back pedalling on slightly, that you think buying women with gifts is standard, that you don't think you need to be expressive or attentive or multi-task, that you were not aware that women were people and not all the same...

[Offred]

I did not retaliate with a nasty smug attack btw. I'm simply pointing out I don't think her smugness is particularly justified.

[SummerDad]

It isn't about what you do, it is about you attitude that you fund a home help for her which you are now back pedalling on slightly, that you think buying women with gifts is standard, that you don't think you need to be expressive or attentive or multi-task, that you were not aware that women were people and not all the same...

I know now what my problem is exactly. I don't know how to calm down an upset woman and I keep digging my grave deeper and deeper with every attempt

[Offred]

No, your problem is that by repeatedly defining me (and others) by my biology you are being sexist and disrespectful.

[Offred]

Just why do you think other women particularly are going to let you know what's wrong with your relationship, why wouldn't it simply be people? Why are you seeking the advice of women? I find it sexist that this is a reason specifically to come to mumsnet tbh... Like we are all robots programmed the same, have a hive mind or are simple beings with common needs/thoughts... Just why on earth would you think it is acceptable to believe that women are all the same? Why isn't it ridiculous for you to be actually surprised that different women might have different opinions? Just why do you want brownie points for looking after your own son and house? You can do as many things as you like but if your attitude towards women stinks it still stinks, keeping a tally doesn't make you look good. I'm sure you reckon you are a lovely guy for putting your son to bed and your wife should be so grateful you do this work for her and nevermind that you never notice anything about her, that's ok because you're a man and you don't have to treat her with love, you just have to buy her flowers and she'll like that because women like gifts(!)

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Offred...are you seeking an argument?

Every thread I see on, you are trying to be controversial.

[Offred]

No, I'm not trying to seek an argument. If you disagree with my opinion why not give yours instead of trying to make out I'm deliberately winding people up. I don't see why it is unreasonable to be offended by such overt sexism.

[Dottiespots]

Sex.....without it your just room mates.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I have already offered my opinion.

[Offred]

Nope, you haven't. You've accused me of deliberately being controversial without justifying it in anyway i.e. by explaining why you disagree that summerdad has a sexist attitude...

[marriedandwreathedinholly]

ofred I agree I was rude to the OP a number of posts back and I came back to apologise, she hadn't taken offence, had posted again and I tried to post something more relevant to how she was feeling in a way that suggested one does have to compromise. And one does and often it isn't at the expense of others but for the benefit of others. DH has had to compromise - he is tidy; I am not. He would happily holiday in England in the summer; the rest of us would not.

He works 60 hours a week - even now because he is a workaholic; I work about 40 and therefore I am at home to do more domestic stuff than he is Also, I actually do like food shopping, I adore cooking, I like having a well presented - if not tidy house, and I like doing the school stuff including over the years the dreaded gate and the PTA. I went back to work when my DC were 5 and 8, part-time at first, and when the opportunity arose it was DH who encouraged me and supported me to take professional quals and then a part-time MBA. It as DH who took the DC out or away for weekends when I had assignments to focus on. I call that pretty equal.

You, however, have been unspeakably rude. Perhaps it is your nature. I suspect, however, there is far more wrong with your own life than there is with mine and perhaps you should focus on that rather than resorting to offensive argument and downright nastiness.

Just off to take DH a cup of tea in bed and might jump in with him for a cuddle and a read - as us contented oldies sometimes do.

[GiveMeSomeSpace]

Offred you come across as an argumentative bully and suspect you probably are

[MiniLovesMinxPies]

No Offred is making very valid points. SummerDad seems to think that women should come with an operating manual and marriedin...... was rather chippy towards OP.

SummerDad there is as much variation between women as their are differences between men and women. Do you think something underlies your difficulties.....something that has always been there. You seem to be a bit rigid in your thinking.

I wrote in my original post "stop pawing at me when I look like I am busy" and " not be clingy or needy" this is because DP believed at the start that ALL women require lots of affection, lots of empathy, lots of "lets talk about us" , they require romance, roses, compliments etc,. Of course I confounded this, it's just an example of the way in which men make huge assumptions about what women need. Of course we are all different. Op would like some care and attention I would like the sink emptied and the accounts done. The only way forward is communication and a willingness to really hear what is said to you, do not hold rigid ideas that prevent you from understanding what is being said.

[SummerDad]

MiniLovesMinxPies I agree with you, human beings don't come with the manuals and I don't mean to seek one sorry if I sounded so.

I am glad that pleasestopcarolling's comments made me more aware of the subtleties which may be obvious to others but as I said earlier I am less than perfect and I am facing relationship issues for a reason.

[MiniLovesMinxPies]

Do you have a thread about your problems? Summer.

[SummerDad]

Do you have a thread about your problems? Summer.
Yes, I do have. link

[MiniLovesMinxPies]

I will have a look late, I hope things are improving for you.