What would you say is essential in a good relationship?

[pleasestopcarolling]

I' m not looking for perfect just basic essentiais without which you think a relationship wouldn't work.

[Softywife]

This is a really interesting thread. How long have you each been with yr partners and do you think any of this changes over time?

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I've been with my DP for 4 years. We've lived together for 2.

It's my only serious long term relationship and I've had some steep learning curves. But then so has he!

[pleasestopcarolling]

Interesting about whether it changes over time I don' t think that the essentials of love respect compassion and equality should change but I think many of us are guilty of complacency.
If you are used to someone you do make less effort but that doesn't' t mean you should lose sight of the essentials. A partnership should be equal and mutual and the problems come when this balance shifts , actually or from the POV of one or other . That' s where communication and listening and respect for each other comes in, another essential. If these are lost then the relationship suffers.
summerdad it' s interesting what you say because to me it sounds like you include your family as a task to be completed I can see that your DW might feel that you are not as emotionally connected with your family as you might be I feel like this with my DH it' s like he has to finish his ' job' with us before he can relax for the day, once the list is finished. If it' s all viewed as a task list there' s the emotional side gone it' s not about what you do around the house , although that needs to be done too, it' s a lot to do with the attitude to it. I hate housework and the day to day drudgery but mostly I get on with it but I don' t focus completely on it so I can't give DC or DH a hug or smile or the help they need when I' m in the middle of something. That' s the important thing is the people in the relationship but it' s easy to let the other stuff get in the way.

[insancerre]

I've been with dh 27 years and our relationship does change and evolve and different aspects are important at different times, but our friendship and mutual respect are the backbone of our relationship.

[MiniLovesMinxPies]

16 years and counting, I think it may have changed over the years, 16 years ago I would have agreed with solesource and said Hige bank balance and a great big, huge.. DP has one of those but I am not saying which

but I think the basic thing is respect, without it you have nothing else, I think trust would be impossible without respect as an example.

[worsestershiresauce]

After 14 years together I can safely say that the single most important thing has to be the same life goals. If you don't agree on the fundamentals e.g. children, where to live, work life balance, no matter how compatible you are in other areas of your life, your relationship will not last.

[SummerDad]

pleasestopcarolling I read your post again and again. Every time I read it, it makes more sense to me. Our couples seem so much similar to me though I wish my wife could be as expressive as you are but still it is good to have a female POV

I want to add there has been some positive changes in our relationship, most likely because of the insight I have got here. Strange enough, I don't feel like an odd one out any more.

[marriedandwreathedinholly]

After 25 years:

attraction
love
commitment
loyalty
enough commonality to keep things flowing
mutual comfort

Someone once said that it's hard enough when everything's right; impossible if just one or two things are out of kilter and I think they were referring to the fundamentals like: race, class, religion and politics. The message being that it's fine to have differences but there needs to be enough in common to keep things afloat.

[pleasestopcarolling]

summerdad I' m perhaps not so expressive at home because DH isn't the listening type but I' m pleased it has been of help to you. It has been helpful to hear your POV especially about the whole single task aspect very like my DH . I agree it's good to feel like you' 're not the only one MN is great for that. Talking to others helps put a lot into perspective I wish I could have the same conversation with DH. I want things to change but I' m not sure where to start communication has been an issue and that' s an essential.

BTW we' 've been together 18 years 13 of those married . 11 with DC . Things have changed over the years and I think the essentials have been getting lost one by one over the years . Time to work on getting them back if possible , the problem I have is knowing if DH is prepared to help me find them or is going to sit there like always waiting for me to do it. Neither of us know what to do the easy option is to wait for someone else to make the ' to do' list to follow , that will be me I suppose I don't want it always to be me.

[Offred]

I think undoubtedly yes relationships change and evolve over time but you do need a backbone of love, respect and compatibility for it to remain a good relationship through thick and thin and individual growth/difficulties etc.

Been together with dh 5 years in feb (married 4) but have been through a lot together; abusive ex, confronting my abusive childhood, him moving hundreds of miles to live together, his issues from his childhood, having twins etc. things have changed massively for us all in the time we have been together, it is love for each other and sanctuary with each other and some humour and also communication that has kept us together.

I don't believe in this idea of not being able to express things or not being able to multi-task either because you currently cant/dont or because you are a man. There is a sexist view that women are good at these things and men not naturally. I think more women than men might be trained to learn these skills and think they need them whereas men are often of the opinion that they should not learn them because they are female things.

Some people are better than others at all things naturally but I doubt there would be a natural difference between men and women on these counts. I also think they are not gifts but skills which have to be learned, practiced and refined. I am not naturally expressive and I find it really difficult to be because I was conditioned to not be expressive in childhood but it is a necessary skill in maintaining successful relationships so I have learned it for the sake of my relationship and dh, although my past conditioning makes it difficult still I think it will get easier with time and practice.

My dh struggles with multi-tasking e.g. Working while he is at home and the children are there, things have been easier since he accepted that I was not good at this through natural ability but practice and that it would make his life better and happier if he accepted that he could learn to be better at this and in fact needed to learn to be better at this because he was a working parent and he couldn't afford to choose only to do one thing at a time.

[pleasestopcarolling]

It seems to me that many people feel they have got more of the essentials in a second relationship than they had in their first. Perhaps first time we married for infatuation rather than the more important things maybe second time round one is more aware of what is important. I have always said I wouldn't want to have another partner if my relationship broke down but it's good to see there are plenty of people out there getting it right.
It' s that equality thing isn't it both wanting the same things. If you are both second timers there's probably a lot you agree on about what you don't want as well.

[pleasestopcarolling]

It seems to me that many people feel they have got more of the essentials in a second relationship than they had in their first. Perhaps first time we married for infatuation rather than the more important things maybe second time round one is more aware of what is important. I have always said I wouldn't want to have another partner if my relationship broke down but it's good to see there are plenty of people out there getting it right.
It' s that equality thing isn't it both wanting the same things. If you are both second timers there's probably a lot you agree on about what you don't want as well.

[pleasestopcarolling]

Sorry site went funny double posted.

[marriedandwreathedinholly]

By the time I was 21 my moother was on her third husband - my father was going through a vitriolic divorce with his second wife. I married at 3l having bided my time and learnt hard lessons from my parents. I have worked hard at finding and keeping the love of my life. I learnt as a child how misable being with the wrong person could make not two but three people

[pleasestopcarolling]

married It seems you learnt well from their mistakes perhaps I didn't pay enough attention to my own parents relationship my mum is a martyr to their relationship my dad doesn't lift a finger but I can' t be like her I resent DH and unlike her I can' t hide my feelings nor see any reason why I should.

[marriedandwreathedinholly]

You sound like my Sils OP - bitter and blaming others rather than having suffered any real heartbreak. My DH doesn't do much at home but he funds helP and I'm fine with that. What do you want? What have you done to get it? You cannot blame your parents. I woulkd have loved mine to have stayed together - martyrdom or not. Eventually they ended up happy though.

[MiniLovesMinxPies]

marriedandwreathedinholly are you normally marriedinwhite ?

[SummerDad]

My DH doesn't do much at home but he funds helP and I'm fine with that.

marriedandwreathedinholly This is what I expected from my wife when I got married but seems like different women want different things I also fund help at home like cleaning and ironing and for the rest I do at least half if not more. I know what matters in my case is what my wife wants and I am glad I knew a bit about it thanks to OP but still would like to know what others think here about this

[foreverondiet]

Communication
Respect
Ability to compromise
Selflessness - ie opposite of being selfish - able to put anothers needs before one's own
Consideration / Empathy
Honesty / Openess
Attraction
Best friend

Think different interests can be overcome if both sides reasonable....

[Offred]

Summerdad- are you serious?!?! Of course different women like different things!!! Wow, just wow! I don't know how on earth you have managed any relationships with your "standard things" and deciding what women want for them... It makes me think you are one of those men who feels entitled not to give to the relationship/change to accommodate your role as a father because you are man and that is women's work...

[pleasestopcarolling]

married I' m not really going on about housework I'm talking about the thoughtfulness and consideration for each other. The being aware of how the other one is feeling and caring enough to do something about it e.g. asking how the day has gone because the other might need to talk not only if you are genuinely interested, then listening not just wandering off after a minute or two because it's really not that interesting, replying when your DP speaks to you instead of being too caught up in the computer game to notice her walking into the room, not sighing when she's trying to talk about what the DC did today which was worrying nor making it clear that you' 're more interested in what' s on the TV when it's just an advert you haven't seen before.I' m not looking to blame other people I' m trying to establish what is left of my marriage and to work out how I can revive it if possible.
It's not actually about how much housework gets done it's about feeling like there's a team working together who are bothered about each other.
summerdad I need DH to show me he loves me by paying attention to me and noticing I'm there and listening like I listen to him , making me a cup of tea because he can see I've had a bad day like I do for him any amount of ironing or hoovering won' t make up for lack of attention and buying flowers isn't the same as really listening.Actions speak volumes and if you pay more attention to the football or whatever than to us that's when we get upset.Yes we are all different but I' d say most of us like a little focused attention.

[financialwizard]

Trust
Honesty
Sense of humour

[marriedandwreathedinholly]

As someone upthread said it's about being equals. I do more at home (although I work fulltime) DH does more at work and has a more stressful and demanding job. He isn'ta "touchy feely man" and certainly not one for romantic gestures. He expects most of the day to day stuff to tick over and knowws when I refer it's serious. He probably does about one in four parents' evenings and I like to think it's beccause he trusts my judgement. I usually sit with him when he has supper and all weekend evening meals are family meals. I have to chose my moments for important stuff. He never goes to sleep without a cuddleand his last words tend to be I love you - and his first when we wake up - usually followed by "switch that blasted alarm off"

You sound unhappy OP. I'm sorry and hope it gets better soon.

[marriedandwreathedinholly]

As someone upthread said it's about being equals. I do more at home (although I work fulltime) DH does more at work and has a more stressful and demanding job. He isn'ta "touchy feely man" and certainly not one for romantic gestures. He expects most of the day to day stuff to tick over and knowws when I refer it's serious. He probably does about one in four parents' evenings and I like to think it's beccause he trusts my judgement. I usually sit with him when he has supper and all weekend evening meals are family meals. I have to chose my moments for important stuff. He never goes to sleep without a cuddleand his last words tend to be I love you - and his first when we wake up - usually followed by "switch that blasted alarm off"

You sound unhappy OP. I'm sorry and hope it gets better soon.

[Offred]

Sounds a bit like your husband takes the piss married... Doesn't sound very equal to me and actually sounds like you are so desperate to stay married and not be like your parents you make excuses for him. If you work full time why is having a cleaner him buying you help? I have a friend with a high-flying barrister for a husband, he absolutely pulls his weight as a husband and father and doesn't make excuses that he is too important to do housework/be a father.