I'm pregnant, husband says he doesn't love me, I'm just lost.

[MrsGwizz]

I am 31 weeks pregnant with my second child, my first DD is 4. I have been married for 9 years, together for 14. My husband has been very distant for the last 6 months and 2 weeks ago I challenged him and asked if there was something going on. Then the shit hit the fan! He says he doesn't love me, hasn't for about 2 years! I still love him and thought we were just having the same kind of ups and downs that everyone has. He says he's very depressed and the only way to fix it is for us to not be together, I can only see that this will make all of us miserable.

We don't have big, blow out arguements, but we have had a tough 4/5 years. My previous company was not happy about me having children and managaged me out of the organisation (when DD was 1), I was unemployed for 6 months which was hugely financially difficult and took a long time to recover from plus the impact on my self esteem etc. Then 2 years ago my mum died, quite suddenly, I didn't go to pieces as I had DD and other family members to consider. Now pregnant again my new company (I work FT) seem to be singling me out and I feel very uneasy about their intentions.

We have been to 2 counselling sessions where he has reiterated the fact that he wants us to split and feels that the counselling is to help me come to terms with this. I feel that we owe it to ourselves and our children to try and fix this.

He says there isn't anyone else but I can't see how he could be so committed to the idea of splitting without an attractive alternative option. I have said that if he wants to seperate then he needs to say that and leave, he won't committ to this. He is reluctant to talk to his family/friends about it because he doesn't want to look like a bastard. I don't want him to regret splitting and try to come back when I feel it's too late.

I have told my sister and she is very supportive but I just feel so alone, in limbo and scared that everything I wanted for my/our future is destroyed because of his mid life crisis.

[ZenNudist]

The sad thing is that this 17 year old girl will have no idea what she is getting into I know I shouldn't feel sorry as she's done such a terrible thing but she will be naive about this, not doubt his 'version' of events and generally follow him into hell. Not OP's problem but I hope she wises up soonest.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Oh yes, I feel very sorry for this 17yo girl

She has no fucking idea what she has got herself into

[SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh]

I feel sorry for the teenager too. He will have fed her a pack of lies which she is simply too young and inexperienced to see through.

And massive sympathies to you OP, this is horrible, especially just before Xmas. Try to be as calm and dignified as you can, but allow your friends and family to be kind to you. You will get through this.

[MardyArsedMidlander]

Can we stop calling her OW? She is not 'another woman'- if he has been with her/ after her for 2 years she is still a CHILD.

Just think in 13 years time some married man in his 30s with two children could be sniffing round his own DD- wonder how he'd feel about that then? He is disgusting.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

OP, how are you today ?

[GrendelsMum]

What a dreadful situation - my sympathies for you, OP.

I'm quite concerned about the teenager, particularly if he really has been grooming her since she was 15 - do people think that the OP needs to let her parents know what's happening to their daughter?

FWIW, a friend of mine was in a similar situation when she was a teenager, but thank God had the good sense to tell her parents what was going on before it got too far - she was actually very scared and pressurised by the situation. Horrible situation and of course the man's wife (who yes, was also pregnant and had a small child) threw him out, plus he was sacked from his job which involved working with teenagers.

[Doha]

Yep l think that the "child's" parents should know what type of person she is involved with. However they might not wan to know.

[izzyizin]

The fact he's told you he hasn't loved you for 2 years doesn't necessarily mean that he took up with her when she was 15.

However, given her age, I would suggest you endeavour to find out when their association began with a view to having a word with her dps and, possibly, the police - albeit it's highly unlikely any prosecution will ensue even if she was underage when they began their affair.

As nothing is known as to whether he is this young girl's only or first sexual partner, it would be prudent for you to consider being tested for stis and this is something for you to discuss with your mw.

I'm acutely aware that none of the above is what you want to hear in advanced pg and just before Christmas and I sincerely hope you'll shoot him and not the messenger - you've certainly got enough ammunition to have him quaking in his boots.

[essexmumma]

I'm so sorry OP. This is truly a nasty, selfish, vile man who has taken up with a child! I can't imagine the pain you are dealing with and your DD too - you will be ok though. You will be stronger, happier and free once the hurt fades. He on the other hand will be lonely and desperate - it will never last between them I mean where can they be actually dating? She can't go to a pub, to an 18 film or anything. One day he will see and that's the day you can wave him goodbye forever with a big smile in your face.

Be kind to yourself, your baby and DD. Together you will be stronger.

[MrsGwizz]

I am not doing well today. :(
I don't think they have been an item for 2 years, I think it's more like 3-4 months. He says they have only kissed (and said I love you) which is somehow supposed to make me feel better. Our relationship is his responsibility not hers but she has been to my house, seen me obviously pregnant, even given my DD a birthday present. I don't know what she is thinking! he has obviously fed her his version of events and she has lapped it up. I felt uneasy about the time they were spending together (playing music/recording as they are both in bands) and asked my husband about it a couple of months ago he flew off the handle and made out that I was psycho bitch for even considering it.
He has eroded my self confidence over the last 18 months and made me doubt all my instincts.
I know I'll be ok in the end but I don't know if he will be. The potential impact of this on my children terrifies me.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi op

I didnt want to post for fear of outing myself, but my ex left for a 16yr and she knew exactly what she was doing, the thing is its the older bloke possibly with a few bob, I think she thought it was all a big adventure because she was never really exposed to the real pain it all caused.

She was too busy enjoying the hairdressing appts the shoes clothes and holidays, but my ex was very persuasive as well, he I think now was having a bit of a nervous breakdown at the time because of other stuff which i didnt know about either. the thing is she will be believing everything he says, and unless she has parents that have enforced any kind of boundaries is unlikely to give a shit either.

I am sooo sorry for you babe especially as you are pregnant and the time of the year, all I can say is my ex tried to make himself look better by telling people she was 18, and most of the blokes he knew thought it was great.
You will get through this because the thing is there is no other option, but just wanted you to know you are not alone.

xx

[MrsGwizz]

I think that she may well be fantasising about living in my house, my husband has a music studio in the garage, very remote so no need to worry about noise and neighbours etc. They can could play music together and screw each others brains out! Fact is he won't be able to buy me out, I earn significantly more than him and he is shit with money. Most of the furniture/electricals are mine. He's gonna end up in a bedsit with a couple of guitars and an xbox - living the dream!

[TwoFacedCows]

he is a total shit. don't worry about your little ones, children are so resilient and you sound like a great mum, who will do just fine.

he will loose out, especially when the teen gets bored of him.

[Guiltypleasures001]

he is having his ego stroked at the moment as well as other things, the shine wears off after a while. She wont want to know if there is no longer the romantic idea of seeing a married musician blah blah once the excitement has gone so will she be. He will turn back in to a boring 30 something with other things on his mind other than screwing her and giving her his full attention.

[izzyizin]

He's given you all the proof you need that there's nothing whatsoever wrong with your instincts and it's time to let your self-confidence return in force and permeate every fibre of your being. .

Start channelling your inner warrior woman and give the twunt and the silly young girl who's head he's turned, what for.

As for them having 'only kissed and said I love you', well he would say that, wouldn't he? Get goddam angry, honey, and give him both barrels.

You are going to get through this and your dc will be largely unaffected. Don't worry about him - he'll reap what he's sown.

[Musomathsci]

I'm thinking he will be a whole lot less attractive once he is living in that bedsit.

What a tosser.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Oh mine took her and a mate to spain, I cancelled his bank cards while he was out there, in fact I cancelled them 3 times because I lost mine so many times i dont know what was wrong with me. Still managed to spend in excess of 10 grand on her though.

[Guiltypleasures001]

ide be tempted to empty the accound and cancel the cards..

[izzyizin]

Needless to say, if you haven't ensured he doesn't have a pot to piss in locked down the finances, cancelled/suspended joint accounts etc, you're best advised to do so asap.

[DameFannyGallopsBEHINDyou]

Is this the twat that locked you out of the garage? Have you changed the lock yet?

I'm so sorry you're in this position. If I wee you I think I might just phone anyone who needs to know and give them the bald facts so you don't have to have the conversation again every time you leave the house.

Sorry I haven't much more useful to offer.

[50shadesofmeh]

Op are you the poster who posted a while back about him locking the garage and not letting you in?

[MrsGwizz]

I haven't posted before. Have never been locked out of the garage.

[50shadesofmeh]

Sorry was thinking about a previous thread someone with a husband with a music studio in his garage posted

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

OP, where is he now ?