Can you really love two people at once?

[Libramonkey]

I don't understand men?

If your in a perfectly good LTR (12 years), clearly still love your partner, have a very affectionate, loving and caring relationship... Whats the need to have an emotional and physical affair?

Not my personal experience, but a male friend that I work with. The way he talks about his DP he clearly loves her and they have a good relationship, however I know he is having an affair and its not just for the sex. He is very emotionally and sexually attached to this other woman. I only know because the OW is my friend and as much as I've tried to make her come to her senses, she loves him so she just wont listen and the thing is I really do think he might love her too.

But it got me thinking... can you really love two people at once? I don't think so but I'd like your opinions.
and also why would a man start an affair when he already has a good relationship which he has no intention of splitting up? I could kind of get my head around if the relationship wasn't very good but from everything I've seen and heard there are a lovely couple.

[EdithWeston]

I wonder what his marriage would be like if all the energy and emotion he put into OW was given to his wife?

If she has been promised a monogamous marriage and he has not given her the chance to consent to an open one, he is not treating her with basic honesty or respect. That is a deeply unloving act, so no you cannot love two people at once in those circumstances. If he is consciously thinking 'if she doesn't know it won't hurt her', then he is infantilising and reducing her, both of which are unloving acts.

[Abitwobblynow]

Libra, can I expand on something that Charbon touched on?

When she finds out, she is going to know that you knew and did and said nothing. She will have been betrayed by Mr Selfish AND people she thought liked and cared about her. That is pain to the power of 3.

Now, there is a book that people think irrelevant these days, but it is full of wisdom.
Here goes: Matthew 18:15-17 'If your brother sins... go and show him his fault'.

If you brother sins against you [putting you in this position of discomfort by his actions], go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses'.

I tell you why I think this is good advice.

1. addicted people have their heads up their arses and they don't care who they are hurting. My H told me he never thought about what he was doing, or how it would end up. Me enabling his 'confusion and depression' seriously didn't help things.
   

1. Now that I know just how devastating and destructive affairs are, I now absolutely know that I would confront someone who was engaged in one and threatening to affect people I cared about. Affairs are nuclear holocausts when they are uncovered, so I am clear that I cannot do nothing when one is happening close by.
   

1. We are a community. 'This isn't my business' is absolute bullshit. It is THIS 'neutrality' that enables people to continue to lie to themselves that they 'aren't hurting anyone'. IF people took a stand more, (like in the muslim community), people would be less 'individualistic' in their behaviour.
   

1. I actually believe that it is better if someone betrayed never finds out. The intent to hurt was not there, but the pain and assault on the sense of self is just too huge. So if you went to Mr Big Dick very privately and said to him that what he is doing is beyond selfish and disgusting, that if it is beautiful that something this beautiful shouldn't be a secret, that if he doesn't make a decision on who to treat properly within 10 days, you will be telling his partner. That you will not be discussing this with anyone else, this is between you and him but he needs to come to a decision by [ ] and any bullshit, stalling, talking about being confused or anything else will involve his secret no longer being a secret, then in my opinion you are doing the right thing. By your knowledge you ARE involved, whether you like it or not, and his selfishness is hurting a lot of people.
   

And yes I would absolutely do this without hesitation. Immature selfish fucks shouldn't be protected from themselves. One because I have lived it, and two, human wisdom that is thousands of years old has been distilled with the essence of time. Whether you are religious or not.

[Abitwobblynow]

PS I have recently read a book on boundaries which discusses this issue: how communities who do nothing about a wrong happening in their midsts is anything but caring and humane, but I will have to look for it.

[bradyismyfavouritewiseman]

You asked why people do this?

Because they can. People make excuses. Such as 'he can't help it he loves them both' and 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her.' and ' yeah its not a nice thing to do but he is a nice guy.'

you are doing it as well Op. I am sure he is nice. But he is doing a shitty thing to his dp and your friend.

If he loved you friend, surely he wouldn't reduce her to OW status. He wouldn't be keeping her a secret, keeping her from the rest of his life. I assume she hasn't met his family and friends.

he keeps her in a box to get and play with when he wants.

[Libramonkey]

Ok so those who said about marriage... There not married but might aswell be having been together that long.

And those that said that I'm making excuses for him, I'm really not, because I've said in many posts that it's not right and not fair on his DP so have no way condoned their behaviour

And I have confronted him about it in a what are you playing at kind of way but it's my place of work I'm not willing to go in all guns blazing and get myself fired! As for telling his DP I have thought about it but I don't know her and have never met her so those who said I'm betraying her I'm not as we have no connection, the only person doing that is him. And even if I decided to tell her I have no way of contacting her.