Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

[YouBrokeMySmoulder]

I kept my pt job on for exactly this reason and even though I am now married I could support myself and the dc if I had to. The advice goes double if you are unamrried and have a child with someone as you wont be left with anything.

Its not that rare and why should my dc suffer for my mistakes?

If i was a sahm I would have my dh paying into a savings account in my name in case I needed it.

I was brought up in poverty and I will do everything possible for that mot to be the case for my dc. Laugh and flame all you like.

[CuriosityKilledTheCrap]

ifso - It isn't the choice of partner....

It's the fact that the person you marry on that day won't stay exactly the same... along with everything else...

You'll change

The economy will change

Children grow

Houses need changing (sometimes)

Relatives die

Someone becomes ill

Someone becomes disabled.

I was convinced DH was a good guy - Jesus our families had known each other for years

No-one knew about his porn habit though

[baublesandbaileys]

and a trauma can really change someone's personality too

[livingfortoday]

Someone told me when I was pregnant with ds to always keep your finger in, as I was established as a teacher. I did go ack full time. DH got promoted we moved it got manic and took its toll on marriage.

I was on my own for 6 months.

We sorted it all out I now have had dd and I am a sahm. During the three years I have been away from teaching I have briefly run my own little business but have and still am studying for a second degree with OU.

Being on my own gave mea big shock as to how it is and the reality of facing an uncertain future. BUT I always knew I could go out and get supply work and still could now, but this is specific to teaching I suppose, it pays alright but not secure.

I do feel vulnerable but would spring into action if needed. I have come across several people who have been left with far less and struggle.

OP - it sounds like you need to get some clear and better legal advice. You can get a claim against his pension plan. Don't let him scare you with his threats re consultancy work, you have a sound case for spousal re caring for your child. My friend has just been awarded this her children are 16 and 17, this will continue and is weighed up against other aspects of settlement, re capital.

I'm glad you are doing OU course its good to have something for you.

So in a way OP is right unless you don't mind jumping back in or trying to. I know I've took salary cuts it I'm happy with what I have in return.

I also, having been hurt and in that vulnerable situation, think you should have your running away money as some call it.

You should always keep part of yourself independent, the rest of me I give over fully terms of commitment. I know some would say oh there are trust/ commitment issues that's. It respecting your vows etc. no its being realistic, until you've been there rock bottom, chest pains, the utter horror of what it means for your child....

[emsyj]

"Are we saying that we are living with men who we arent sure of? who we dont trust? because the choice of partner is the real issue here, and choosing whether to make that relationship a 50/50 one for life is the biggest decision ever"

I think the prospect of a partner cheating/behaving in a way that is intolerable to the other/leaving to find themselves/meeting someone else and leaving for them etc is just one way in which a family's financial circumstances can be unexpectedly and dramatically affected. I trust my DH 101%, but he is not immortal or immune to health problems. We have a happy marriage, and I am with him through choice - long may it stay that way.

[ifso]

without telling you all of our financial set up, we have a solid backup plan for any of us and the dcs, dont worry. And as for returning to work, yes, i will get there too, once the youngest is more sorted, but that is our priority during their younger years, and then I will be going into work again, with varied skills and a solid degree. I refuse to be scaremongered into thinking SAHP isnt a valid choice because of all e things that could possibly happen. Plenty of things can happen to a working parent on their way to work, whether they work or not, things can and do happen to people who are financially contributing to a household. Then what?

But to choose to raise my kids in this way for a few short years is something my DH and I feel works well for us right now, with the financial backup we have put in place for this time.

[elastamum]

It is rather smug (and slightly delusional) to put misfortune down to just people making poor life choices

There is loads of really depressing research about the vulnerability of middle class single income familes. If you look at people who end up filing for bankruptcy, they usually have at least one, sometimes two, of death, divorce, ill health or redundancy in their history. It can happen to pretty much anyone

[BigusBumus]

If he pays maintenance for his kids, why should he pay for you? I never understand that. You're not his child.

[baublesandbaileys]

ifso if you have substantial financial back ups in your name then you ARE doing what people are suggesting, if SAHMs have investment rental properties in their names or substantial savings in their names etc and ARE looking after their own independant financial security then that counts as much as employability

[ifso]

insecure times, insecure thinking, insecurity everywhere it seems. madness.

[turkeyboots]

My mum ended up age 55 in a similar position. As has a significant proportion of her friends.

OP you have my sympathies and best wishes as is a shit position to be in. Always having a back up plan is a good idea for everyone.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Ok I have lived through one of the alternative reasons for not giving up work.

When I was 5mo pg with dc4 having been a SAHM for years DH suddenly got pains in his stomach. 2 YEARS later after one misdiagnosis after another they removed his appendix and he recovered. In the meantime DH lost his job and we had to rely on state benefits and massive handouts from PIL. We were incredibly fortunate that they were in a position to help.

Insurance wouldn't pay out due to a lack of definite diagnosis and we would have been homeless if not for PILs help. Had I not been a SAHM for years before I could have returned to to work easily and helped financially. The work I did before was fairly well paid but when I applied for many many roles I was told that my skills were out of date.

Unusual situation I know but it can happen to anyone.

[emsyj]

I don't think anyone is scaremongering, ifso - if you have taken steps to protect yourself and your family then that's great, I think the point of this thread was that there are lots of people out there who just never think about the possibility that life could change until it happens.

[ifso]

yes baubles, there's an investment property, there are savings, etc etc but I also am looking forward to getting back 'out there'!! Getting dressed up, going out to work, feeling purposeful, on paper anyhow and getting paid for it is a massive ego boost. Where my kids are concerned, We just needed these few years while they are small for one of us to be at home with them. It's working well for us, homelife is calm and relaxed, I'm grateful to be doing this - for now.

[Katy1368]

Not madness at all ifso in fact the opposite I think - rational proactivity IMO.

[ifso]

agree EmsyJ

[ggirl]

something needs to be done about the astronomical cost of childcare

[akaemmafrost]

bigusbumus because I cannot and never will be able to earn as I take full responsibility for caring for OUR child and I am unable to work and better my own position. The home education was especially instigated by him.

I can't believe that some posters think this is a SAHM bashing thread. In no way at all is that true. It's a warning from the position I am in as a direct result of choosing to be one.

Also I am not saying that all husbands could cheat, not at all, but life is a fragile thing and there's an awful lot of things that can bring the status quo crashing to it's knees.

There was no malice in this thread at all, just lashing out in pure desperation I suppose.

[CuriosityKilledTheCrap]

ifso - you're doing exactly what the OP is suggesting. Stay at Home, but have a back up plan. I think you're actually arguing the same point.

[Meglet]

I will be drumming it into my DD that she shouldn't stop working when she has children.

As I will be drumming it into DS that he should be sharing parenting and not expect his parter to stop work if they have children.

(The DC's are 6 + 4 at the moment).

[ifso]

it's ok Akaemmafrost, it's ok

[AKissIsNotAContract]

The same thing happened to my mum too and I'd never give up my financial independence because of it.

[akaemmafrost]

curiosity I hope that you remember my post for the right reasons and that it was helpful. It's nice to know you remembered it and it had an impact anyway.

[motherinferior]

Another one saying don't assume volunteering is the same as being in the job market. 'Many people who work for charities started off as volunteers etc, took all the training on offer' - no they didn't. Most people who work for charities started off applying for paid jobs, and got through some pretty tough interviews to get where they are now.

[wewereherefirst]

There's also a major lack of EYFS places in my area. Most childcare providers here have closed waiting lists, not helpful for sahms who want to be employed...