Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

[MissCellania]

Not sure why I got the answers I did, since thats not what I said. OP is saying none of us should stop working in case we get cheated and cheated on. It's not something that would happen in my relationship, sure it's possible though unlikely he could cheat, he doesn't care about money and I control the accounts anyway. So yes, I can be quite sure, thanks.
As for not starting off a marriage thinking this could happen, the signs that a man is a prick are usually there, they just get ignored for love. But I'm nearly twenty years in, so I think I can judge by now.

All I'm saying is you can't generalise, you can't say anyone could end up there, because most men wouldn't do that, so most of their wives can be SAHM if they so choose and feel safe.

[baublesandbaileys]

"But he is a very different man to the one he was 10 years ago and in 10 years' time will have changed more. As will I"

I agree, my DH is in some ways unrecognisable from the man he was 10 years ago, as I am very changed in many ways by the last decade. We still love each other and see our future together but nobody really knows!

[ifso]

just insecure voices EmsyJ, not certain of anything, of relationships, of role as mother, as employee, as partner..i hope not all women are really so unsteady in their thinking about life, that the rug could be pulled under at any time etc. Es it is a reality for many, sadly, yes it is. But can we not stand strong, and be self assured of at least our choices in marriage, in work, in having kids?

why bother marrying or having kids at all then, if the message is, dont trust a man, especially not your husband as he could change etc etc

what is going on?

[baublesandbaileys]

"But I'm nearly twenty years in, so I think I can judge by now.

All I'm saying is you can't generalise, you can't say anyone could end up there"

^ these two sentances contradict themselves, as you can't say who WON'T end up there either, and no I don't think there is a number of years beyond which you are no longer at risk

[CuriosityKilledTheCrap]

akaemma I read one of your posts back in the summer about 'leave the bastard'; and actually how hard it is.

I have such a vivid memory of reading it and knowing I did have to leave. Not because he was in fact a bastard; but because every second I stayed I was prolonging the inevitable. 4 days later he moved out.

I never thought my marriage would come to this. He was one of the good guys. He wasn't abusive or actually a bastard. We just didn't get on - and he had a rather unhealthy porno habit.

I know if I had given up my work to be a SAHM I would have stayed with him. I wouldn't have had so many choices. My best friend did choose the SAHM route and it has gone a bit tits up - although ironically she is doing OK at milking her STBXH....

But the balance of power is very different.

It isn't plain sailing giving up a marriage; but I know even if he decided not to pay his CSA of £240 pcm for 2 kids, actually I'd be OK.

So going back to work before either of them could sit up or were weaned was worth it. The DCs know no different, and I am happy and independent.

I actually only work PT, I'd massively struggle with FT, but I'm still glad I can support myself and 2 DCS without anyone else.

Thank goodness - as I never saw that coming.

[ifso]

I'm a work at home SAHM, while we have life insurance which will pay out ten times DH 6 figure salary in any event - divorce/death etc etc And i will 'go out to work', get on that public transport once youngest is a little bit older

but in the meantime, I choose not to be weak and allow such scaremongering to waver my choices in raising our DCs so childcare is not a big stress now, as I am here to cover that side of homelife for their benefit, and for a relaxed homelife for all of us. working well so far. Dont be scared, that's all I'm saying really

[emsyj]

The OP said on page 1: "Ok your dh's are not twats. How about ill health or worse? There's more that can happen than your dh being a twat.

It's VERY dangerous for there to be only one earner in a family, I never realised quite how dangerous till just now."

I don't think the OP was saying that everyone is at risk of a cheating partner - only that it is risky to give up financial independence and also for a household to drop to a single income.

[baublesandbaileys]

"i hope not all women are really so unsteady in their thinking about life, "

not unsteady at all, proactive I'd say.

ifso you could apply all of the same to people who make wills, take out insurance, have savings etc. Its all the same thing, doing what you can to know that you and your family have as much security as possible

[MissCellania]

They don't contradict at all. Of course you can say who won't end up there. Those of us holding the purse strings won't end up there, will we?

Anyway, no need to derail the OP's thread with bickering.

[EllenJaneisstillnotmyname]

I've never heard of an insurance policy that pays out in the event of divorce! That would be open to abuse, surely? My STBEX H's large insurance policy will pay me the legal minimum maintenence he's agreed, if he dies, and the rest will bypass me and be left to the DC.

[Viviennemary]

Hmm I do agree that nobody knows what is round the corner. No matter how secure you feel things can still go wrong. This isn't scaremongering it is a fact of life. And I think perhaps women should be aware of the possibility of financial insecurity if their partners do decide to leave. But you can't base your whole life on what if this happens or that happens.

[Katy1368]

Completely agree with you OP. My mum was a teacher and basically the main earner when I was bought up - My dad is lovely but a dreamy "artist" type who never earned much. Without her working steadily at a secure job god knows where we would have been.

I have said to my mum several times since DD was born that I will impress on her the importance of earning her own money and NEVER NEVER being financially dependent on a man. I really think it is important, it is almost always the woman who is left to hold the kids when relationships break down. I am seeing it a lot among my friends at the moment. I know that if DP left I could always financially support myself and DD and god am I so glad of that.

[Meglet]

I have to agree OP.

I was able to juggle part time NMW shop work and 2 days a week admin after I had my DC's.

When XP turned into an abusive asshole I was working and just about manage on my own.

It's bloody hard doing it on my own but I think I would have been screwed if I had given up work.

However there is the bigger problem of why it is so hard for women to return to work after having DC's. There should be more flexible working for both parents and dads (and employers) willing to change their working hours and also be the ones to take a day off to care for a sick child.

[baublesandbaileys]

making a will in my 20s didn't mean I was wandering around in fear that I would die young

dito insurance

dito wanting to maximise my earing potential, it doesn't mean I feel insecure in my marriage and am trembling about all the "what ifs" all the time!

[HippyHappyHoppy]

No, I've never heard of a policy that pays out on divorce either. If it had been an option I would have chosen it, we got cover for death and critical illness. The only thing we really aren't covered for is a long term debilitating illness that means DH couldn't work but that isn't a critical illness or death so the policies won't pay out. Again, its a risk we are taking knowingly.

[wewereherefirst]

Emsyj, it is up to me to protect myself therefore I care to listen to voices of experience, and as a SAHM, I'm backed into a corner.
We will be getting private insurance out, he has it through work as well as his workplaces charity.

I have no real work contacts as the sector I worked in has seen a lot of redundancies also, we have been relocated a way from where we lived when I worked and tbh , I was very young when DC1 came along.

I have savings that would pay the mortgage for a year if the worst came to the worst.

We are protected if my husband would die, his job is one with a risk of work-related death so that has to be sorted.

I am NOT naive enough to think my H wouldn't cheat, going back to work for me at the moment isn't feasible either, so this thread has made me feel cornered.

[MissMogwi]

I totally agree with you OP. I will never rely on a man again after my EXP left me in a similar position. I'd been at home with the DC, same as others, as childcare was too expensive. When I did return to work, he left me shortly after for OW.

I returned to work and I'm now in the final year of my degree. I have been skint at times, many times actually, while he was off on his jollies and the like.

It's not rare at all, in my experience.

[elastamum]

I gave up my senior well paid job to support my H building our own company when the DC were babies. 6 years later he left us. In a matter of weeks I went from having a very comfortable life to unemployed, on my own with 2 small DC and no income. I was very very lucky in that eventually I managed to bluff my way back in to my original career and a few yrs on we are doing OK.

BUT just getting a job as a LP isnt easy.(eventually I put my wedding rings back on and pretended to be married until I got offered a job in my industry by someone who didnt know me all that well). I now have a lovely new partner but would never ever give up my independance for any man again

[ifso]

does it mean we have to tell our DD's to make more careful choices before choosing her life partner then? ismt that the real problem here? surely there are plenty of decent DH's out there who, shock horror, took their wedding vows and meant them for life, married with the intention of it being worth working at, etc etc Are we saying that we are living with men who we arent sure of? who we dont trust? because the choice of partner is the real issue here, and choosing whether to make that relationship a 50/50 one for life is the biggest decision ever

[caramelwaffle]

emma (Op) I agree with you and what SolidGold had to say makes a lot of sense.

[MissMogwi]

*Sorry missed out that I had to leave my job when he left due to the evening/night hours and having a one year old and a four year old. He wouldn't have the children so I had no choice.

Never again.
I

[caramelwaffle]

"AnyFuckingDude Tue 27-Nov-12 21:23:30

you who think it will never happen to you.. think on"

^this

[baublesandbaileys]

no ifso, mental/physical health can strike down the best of DHs, and policies that sound generous soon get swallowed up with houseing adaptations and carers etc

that's not the answer, obviously its important that people choose healthy relationships, but it doesn't negate the need for financial security

[rhondajean]

You can get divorce insurance btw. But it seems to only cover the cost of the divorce.

Hmmm.

[MrsFogi]

OP I'm awfully sorry to hear about your situation - I hope that brighter days will be around the corner.
On the flip side I know a number of women who have bust a gut to keep their careers on track after having children (worked all hours, done all the housework when getting home etc) with dhs who have jobs but are not the main breadwinners (yet don't pull their weight at home either for the dcs or the housework). These women have then been ditched by their dhs and now find themselves paying maintenance for their ex-dhs who have got custody of the children (as on paper it has looked as though they were in the support role whereas the reality was that, for the most part they were home smoking dope/watching tv and doing nothing for the dcs).