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[Blindedbyscience]

Never a good idea, I know, but looked on dh ipad at the history, and it had an undeleted search on about finding an escort. He works abroad and the search was looking for one in that country. I confronted him about it and he claims it is because he stays in a hotel while away and is on a shared network. He claims that it is someone else's search that has shown on his iPad. He's lying isn't he? I have no IT knowledge at all- he knows that. Anyone know if this could be a possibility, or is he a lying arse? Cheers

I'm enjoying coming on here for a boost! You are keeping me strong. I have allowed him to make me weak. I can't believe how passive I've become. This has crept up on me. I don't want my two ds to behave like this in the future and I don't want my two dd to be treated like this. They need to see me as more assertive and more in control of my own future

yes, they do

and you can do it

if you really want to

"Did he actually pay for sex- that is what is constantly on my mind. Would he have stooped that low?"

You do know the answer to that don't you?

Is he worried about you?
Is he ringing you to see if you ok?
Knowing that you are not ok is he doing what he can to help you?

He wants you to worry about him.
How is he still your best friend? Would you do that to your best friend?

Keep plugging into your intuition. Do something that makes you feel good. Sorry you are going through this.

He isn't ringing to see how I am at all. I hadn't really thought of that. It's how he always has dealt with anything I suppose- twists it to somehow have been my fault. I'm not saying that none of it is my fault- there must be something wrong in a relationship for one party to stray I suppose, but he never really admits blame. He is like a stubborn child. In the past I've always given in and backed down. Looking back he has always been incredibly selfish.

How to carry on as normal though with all this in the background? I have to leave for work in an hour. As well as being mum ro four children. They don't know anything- he wouldn't have been here anyway, so no point upsetting them. In fact nobody knows anything in rl.

You are not, not ever, to blame for being cheated on. It is a fallacy that people only cheat when they are unhappy. Cheating is an inadequate's response to dealing with relationship issues even if they exist - it's like saying 'I wound my husband up so I'm at fault for him hitting me' no! The way a person chooses to respond is entirely up to them. It doesn't sound like your H was unhappy with you anyway - just away from home, horny and so incredibly selfish that he thought of paying to use another woman's body for sex. I'm also sorry to say it won't be the first time - why delete history if nothing to hide? Who would bother?

Oh this takes me back. There was a time when I cared so deeply about exH that I didn't notice it wasn't reciprocal, I didn't realise I made excuses for his behaviour to myself and friends, didn't notice I covered for him, didn't notice unequal balance of power. We were short of money always....didn't notice that only I was the one scrimping and making do. Always excused his behaviour because he was vulnerable, unhappy, on he edge, needed this, unable to cope....

Took me a long time to change my way of thinking but when the co dependency goggles fell off I sobbed and sobbed regretting wasting any time of my life in that myth.

Fast forward... I'm financially very solvent (no maintenance from him-all my own work) I'm happy, clear in my head. No constant confusion because I'm no longer trying to tally reality with the lie that was my life.

Don't buy the house. He won't necessarily pay the mortgage and might leave you with debt and homeless.

You will be fine. You really will. All seems scary right now but a life of putting up with lies and infidelity may seem less scary but its soul destroying. Keep your soul intact and leave

Lovely post from LivesinJeans

Might be worth telling a few people in RL. Be selective though, as Stuffit says. The good thing about starting to talk about it to real people, as opposed to us imaginary people, is that you cannot then brush it under the carpet. And post here too, obviously.

Agree do not buy the house - if your incomes don't cover paying the mortgage there and renting a second place, then you'd have to sell it anyway, so all the fees and stamp duty would be wasted.

I can see now that the balance of power has been wrong for years. So many familiar things from what livesinjeans has said. Do they all follow the same bloody patterns of behaviour? It's a bit depressing if they do. Not sure yet who I could talk to. This is helping me for now, so will probably stick to this. I don't think I could hold it together if I had to speak to anyone in RL. Thank you everyone. You are really helping me

Stuffit, glad to see you posting, how are you doing?

Blinded, can I ask you to look again at this earlier post you wrote:

"In reality, I haven't trusted him in years. I am truly devastated as we have been through a lot together and have had a happy marriage. This all started about five years ago with the first infidelity- which he denies. I couldn't bring myself to leave him and wanted to work at things. Then it happened again- secretive with his mobile and I found out he'd been textig this OW up to 80 times a day. I stayed because he lost his job soon after that and I was worrie about him. We have been happy since though, but can't quite get my head around what he has done this time".

If effect, this seems to be the process- am I correct?

-there is an over arching distrust

• he is secretive

• in the past he denied once and admitted once, and somehow you have managed to rationalise what he did or tell yourself he may not have, or god knows what.

• then you say you are happy between times

• you worry about him.

Isnt it really the case that you dont trust him at all, try as far as possible not to think about it on a day to day basis, get nowhere when you raise it (except lies), and then give up on the discussion because he gets angry or sulky or both?

Also, does he get you feeling defensive over difficult discussion, when he should be defensive, if anyone?

It sounds like this to me.

This "worry".

Can you dissect it? Isnt worry just fear, of or for something or someone?

Is it possible that you fear for yourself? eg losing his love, making things worse, failing at the relationship, being alone?

If you can get your head round this distrust-his denial-him punishing you for not trusting- you worrying process, it might move you on bit.

• and I expect he also works to make you feel sorry for him.

"He isn't ringing to see how I am at all."
No he's not - yet YOU are worrying about him - when he has chosen to stay away for longer than necessary to punish you.

Please accept that he is actually just fine and he is doing what he chooses to do now, just as he lives his life these last 5 years doing what he chooses to do, without regard for you, your relationship, you supposed commitment to each other.

Using lies, and manipulation of you, he has crafted a perfect veil to hide his double life from you. And yet still you are feeling bad for him, responsible for the situation etc.

Gosh no wonder you are confused - its enough to mess with anyones' head.

Sometimes the people we love and think we know, can change beyond all recognition right in front of our very eyes, in ways that can be so difficult to comprehend. Nevertheless the change has happened - and now they are different people from those we loved. It can be difficult to accept but we have to face facts.

Hope you are feeling better hour by hour and strong enough to break out of this cycle. Lots of wonderful advice here.

I didn't read all the above (sorry!) but you CAN have things on your IPad history even if they haven't been looked at. It depends if they say cookies, cache or plug ins under them. Plug ins are the most innocuous.

Much better over the weekend. Just getting on with things and keeping very busy with the children. Lots of talking- sadly, by phone, but still denying anything to do with the escort search. The problem, as I've pointed out to him, is that I could have believed it of him so easily. His past mistakes are catching up with him. Not sure I'm ready to pack it all in yet- may sound stupid, but I can't make a decision like that with just talking over the phone. I need to see him in person. I hope I'll get a 'moment' which will help me see thing clearer. Thanks for all the support- it's been a huge help to me. Hedgehog, you are the first to say it could be a genuine reason.

Stuffit, sounds like you've been through the mill. I don't know your past story sorry, as I'm quite new to posting on here. Hope all is ok with you.

So Stuffit you don't agree with hedgehogs's comment then? I'm no nearer knowing what to do in reality. There's no rush though. He's not here anyway! When he's home next though, I think it would be safe to say that anything else of a dubious nature will have been deleted before he comes home. I don't think I'll find anything no matter how much I trawl.