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[Blindedbyscience]

Never a good idea, I know, but looked on dh ipad at the history, and it had an undeleted search on about finding an escort. He works abroad and the search was looking for one in that country. I confronted him about it and he claims it is because he stays in a hotel while away and is on a shared network. He claims that it is someone else's search that has shown on his iPad. He's lying isn't he? I have no IT knowledge at all- he knows that. Anyone know if this could be a possibility, or is he a lying arse? Cheers

[Looksgoodingravy]

Another useful search which he might not know exists on his iPhone (presume iPad is the same??)

Go to settings > Safari > Advanced > Website data > this could still hold all Safari search history.

Sorry you're going through this. I found out about dp and his lies six months ago, we are still together however, he didn't bullshit, after three weeks he told me everything and has been completely transparent since. If I ever found him doing anything again though that would be it, no second chances!

If this were me I would gather more evidence and confront him with it!

[Blindedbyscience]

I would love to get more evidence- just to know. Unfortunately he's away; won't be home for weeks. Anything will be well and truly deleted by then I would think. It's a disaster, I know. He won't admit to anything though- he knows I can't prove anything, so he will keep denying. What sort of person can do that? Did he actually pay for sex- that is what is constantly on my mind. Would he have stooped that low?

[fiventhree]

en I came on here in Sept 2011, I thought as you did. I was utterly fed up, knew something of that sort was up and had been for a long time, and simply couldnt believe I would ever get to the bottom of it. He was too denying and too clever, and I was crap with technology- other than the usual stuff. I think AF will remember.

These are the things people told me, and which I simply could not accept at the time (and which I found the hard way to be true):

• he thinks he is cleverer than you
  

• he thinks that if you cant prove it but have suspicions and are therefore deeply unhappy, it doesnt matter, because he is more important by far
  

-he thinks you are for friendship, domestic support and motherhood, and OW sexual approval, and for hot sex and fun

• he has all sorts of internal dialogues to justify this and if/when they dont work, he stops thinking about it
  

• he will not stop doing it, because he got away with it
  

-there will be other non sexual secrets too, which are harmful or unequal in your relationship, meaning this is not a partnership, because (unspoken) he is the boss

-as AF says, he will not actually stop unless he wants to, and if you 'prove it' and he doesnt want to stop, he will pretend he has

• if he stops at all, it will because he faces a catastrophe- big loss (emotional and financial), and he believes that is the case.
  

So you need to create a catastrophe for him, or continue as you are. Knowing that he has gone off quite happy, knowing that you are miserable.

[fiventhree]

When!

[BerylStreep]

It sounds like he is being true to previous form.

Why does he lie? Because he wants the best of both worlds. He wants to feed you some bullshit IT line so that you'll keep quiet and continue to look after the DC. You provide a home for him with sex on tap when he comes home. He also gets to spend family money to pay for sex when he is away.

Why on earth would he throw all that away when he doesn't have to?

Sorry. It's a lot to think about.

[Blindedbyscience]

I need to stop communicating with him for a while I think. He thinks he is winning me over. He is so bloody clever- he knows me too well. He knows what to say to win me over, then I come back on here and it's like a reality check. I KNOW he is lying. I don't need proof, my instinct is enough. It's very hard, as I want to fling my arms around him and cry and apologise for upsetting him. He is very manipulative. Don't think I realised that till now

[fiventhree]

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation

Try the checklist of tactics half way down. My h admitted nearly all of those eventually.

[Blindedbyscience]

I need to stop communicating with him for a while I think. He thinks he is winning me over. He is so bloody clever- he knows me too well. He knows what to say to win me over, then I come back on here and it's like a reality check. I KNOW he is lying. I don't need proof, my instinct is enough. It's very hard, as I want to fling my arms around him and cry and apologise for upsetting him. He is very manipulative. Don't think I realised that till now

[fiventhree]

You are doing better than me. I was obsessed with proof and you are right, your instinct is enough.

Much later on, even in the last few months, I have been able to analyse exactly how they do that, with charm and cleverness and the odd joke, and if they are really backed into a corner, anger.

Not that my h is violent, but he sure was a manipulator. That can be why it is no hard to believe it when you are with them, or think it isnt worth the effort, because they are so fixed on winning.

[AnyFucker]

OP, you would do well to listen to five

She knows her stuff (unfortunately)

[Blindedbyscience]

I was obsessed by proof in the past. I went slightly insane at one stage trying to find out about the first ow. I couldn't eat and looked like death. I don't feel like that now. I suppose it has been inevitable. I am very sad that he is such an idiot, because he really is a lovely person and my best friend. Unfortunately he has a dark side it seems.

[Blindedbyscience]

He ticks many boxes on that list of manipulative behaviour. I can see now what he is doing. He is very good at playing the victim and turning me into the villain.

[AnyFucker]

You are not a villain. You are objecting to being treated badly. There is a fuckload of difference

[fiventhree]

So was mine.

It is about not taking responsibility and not respecting your boundaries. Unless you found, like I did, that I didnt have many boundaries left.

If you are normally capable and articulate be especially beware, because it is easy to remember the version of yourself outside the house or how you present at work, and trick yourself that this is you.

I did this, I think, and also because I felt fine to raise things when they were not right, I forgot to notice that I never got a resolution to them.

[Blindedbyscience]

The problem now is that I am worried about him. I must not give in and tell him everything will be ok. I don't want to show any weakness. That is what I've always done in the past. It's very hard to turn my back on him, bit I know from what others have said here that it is all part of his manipulation

[AnyFucker]

Why would you be worried about him ?

Unless you mean you would be worried about a rabid dog that cannot help biting its own tail off...that kinda thing ?

Save your concern for yourself. He is a grown up. He can look after himself, and make his own choices.

[Looksgoodingravy]

When is he back home?

[Blindedbyscience]

I suppose so. It's hard though when you've been part of each other's lives for so long. We grew up together really. It's just sad I suppose, that he has done this.

[AnyFucker]

You can't save him, you know

That is the route to self-destruction.

Google "co dependency"

[Blindedbyscience]

He's not back till December. Was supposed to be back next week. But is sulking

[AnyFucker]

Are you expected to wait in at home while he sulks and punishes you ?

Fuck that

Get some nights out lined up. Ring your friends. Get lunching and networking. You don't need this headfuck.

[Looksgoodingravy]

Let him sulk! Says a lot about him if he can't come home to face up to what he's done, leaving you wondering...again!

I would confide in RL friends for support until he returns, perhaps you'll have a clearer picture of what you want to do.

It must be so hard for you right now. I would want answers but without him there you won't get them!

[Blindedbyscience]

He wants me to worry about him and I am, to be honest. Having read about co-dependancy, I can see that I am addicted to him and have got so used to our patterns of behaviour. It is very difficult to not ring him and check that he is ok. I am so annoyed with myself!!! Why am I being so pathetic!? I have to stick to my guns. I have to tell myself that I can do this without him.

[AnyFucker]

Only you can decide if you can do this. I would come round and take your phone off you, and tie your hands behind your back, but I would get arrested.

It's up to you

It certainly is not his decision

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

You have four kids, he was supposed to come home next week but he isn't going to come home til December because he's sulking?

I'd consider that bordering on divorceable behaviour by itself, TBH. That is massively selfish.