father commented on other women

[pastpresent]

This may sound as though I'm dredging up ancient history, and maybe I am, but I was thinking the other day about how I've never made the most of my looks or really pulled myself together, and out of the blue I remembered a time when my father was driving me somewhere in the car and said of a woman crossing the street in front of us, "She sure has a nice set of lungs." (I would have been a teenager at the time and this was certainly not the only time he made similar comments.) He would also point out attractive women in magazine adverts and so forth to me. My parents were and are married. Was this behavior normal? I must have assumed so at the time but now it makes me uncomfortable to think of it and I'm beginning to realize it affected me as I feel disproportionately self conscious around men, and I'm an adult (theoretically) woman.

[fluffyraggies]

Sorry flippin.

That's horrible for you :( I meant to say that, but was in shock.

[Corygal]

Cogito - you have the wisdom of ages, but on this one, trust me when I say you're lucky it ain't happened to you. Gives you a pang that goes much deeper than you'd expect.

Anyway, back to the bad dads - my theory is that this sort of apparently small everyday nastiness is usually a sign that the gentleman concerned isn't very nice about big things either, to be honest.

I mean, I wonder how many of the men who do it support their wives and children, are faithful, help out and are known as loving fathers and grandfathers.

[flippinada]

That's ok fluffy - it was horrible and I'm glad peoples response is shock and how disgusting. It's more than twenty years ago and I can remember feeling revolted, embarrassed etc.

[Witchety]

I grew up on the world of dance, my parents were ballroom competitors, then turned pro and have own dance school, so half naked women as in strictly, were par for the course! It was normal to be surrounded by women like this... The men never passed comment ever.

But didn't stop him pulling his air horn in his lorry at the odd woman in the street.... Cringe cringe cringe

[flippinada]

Agree with you there corygal. Well said.

[EMS23]

corygal - my Dad comments on women's appearance regularly. He is a loving father and grandfather, faithful to my mother (married 41 yrs) and is helpful and supportive.
He's Italian, maybe he grew up in a different way and commenting on women is more acceptable there it was back when he was young anyway.
I don't think it's cut and dried that if a man comments, he's a bad person.

[EMS23]

Argh, apologies for the random apostrophe on womens!

[Corygal]

I'm afraid my stance on this is a bit shouty, to be honest.

I can't help noticing that the hostility and aggression which many people claim doesn't exist in this sort of 'throwaway' remark has a tendency to reappear in big things. A funny habit for something that doesn't exist, eh wot.

Of course the men who let rip this stuff can use the bully's defence of claiming it was 'just a bit of fun'.

Put it this way, successful, contented men who look after their families don't do it.

Flippin - have you got other issues with your DF?

[Corygal]

EMS - that is good to hear. A bit of joie de vivre never did anybody any harm. But I bet he's not saying the same stuff as some of the other posters. And yes, I think being Italian probably does make the difference.

[flippinada]

Corygal - we don't have a very close relationship, let's put it that way.

He would often pass comment on my appearance too which, looking back, were just awful (eg "look at the size of that arse, you could serve tea on that ha ha ha", "don't put butter on that you look like a hippo").

I think you can imagine what kind of effect that would have on a teenage girl.

Thankfully my parents were divorced by that stage so my exposure to that sort of stuff was limited.

[Corygal]

That's just nasty. I think people underestimate how damaging that sort of remark is from a father to a daughter. It goes against the grain of fatherhood, doesn't it.

My DF refused to stop at Sainsbury's when I went home to an empty house after Xmas with them on the grounds that 'You don't need anything more to eat'.

[BethFairbright]

Sexualised remarks about women's appearance made by a father to a daughter can have a lasting effect on the way that women perceive their 'value' in life. If a trusted role model sees fit to reduce a stranger to the size and shape of her breasts, it can legitimise others doing just that. It's far more affecting than if a pervy builder shouted a comment in the street, because a girl can reduce him to being a sexist knob. Much harder to perceive your own dad as a perv and make the same reduction. Thank god my lovely DF never did this, but I felt very sorry for a friend and her mum when her dad used to make comments about our bodies when we went round her house (shudder). Of course, he was a misogynist pig in every other area of domestic life so no surprise there....

[flippinada]

Yeah, it was horrible. It won't come as a surprise to learn that my Dad had a misogynistic attitude in general. Another favourite comment was "(insert generic insult) - just like all women". He would also make jokes comparing women to domestic appliances.

Thankfully I had a counterpoint in my lovely stepdad but by then a lot of damage had already been done.

I agree it goes against how a father should behave. Now that I'm a parent I think "how could you?" I have a son and I'll do my damndest to make sure he grows up to treat women respectfully. I'd also hate for him to feel the way I did.

This kind of thing really does affect you. I remember as a teen being obsessed with my appearance to the point of unhealthiness. I truly believed I was ugly and disgusting (I'm not) and that my personality clubbed for jack shit.

As a result I fell into some awful relationships because my self worth was entirely related to my appearance. Of course I can't say it was entirely down to my Dad but it has an awful lot to do with it.

[flippinada]

God, sorry - don't mean to turn this into an all about me thread. I just wanted to empathise with op and say I get where you're coming from. Turned into a bit of a rant.

[flippinada]

Counted - not clubbed.

[AdoraJingleBells]

My father also did this occasionally. It made me feel -WTF? How dare you?

When my older brother started doing it with me and my sisters I got angry and vocal about it, and yes, it did have an adverse affect.

[maristella]

My Dad has never done anything like this. Obviously he is a man, he will have been attracted to women, he will have his preferences etc, but not once in my 30+ years has he exposed me to this! I have never seen his head turned, never heard a comment. That's because he is respectful, to me and other women

[AngryFeet]

My Dad was very embarrassing like this when I was younger. He was very complimentary of my mother but more scathing of others. Always commenting on how fat and ugly people were (often loud enough for them to hear :(). He used to call my friend Titasalina (she was very big busted) even from the age of 13.

Him and my mother (who used to call me fat and bribe me to diet even at size 12) made me very body conscious as a teen. I am over it now but very overweight.

[Dozer]

Agree that this is awful and left a horrible feeling inside.

My dad never made lewd comments about women, but extended family members (both sexes) commenting on others' body/weight and occasionally mine made me feel v self conscious (was curvy and tall from age 11/12).

My dad did and still does make derogatory comments about very heavy people (he and mum are overweight, mum more so) . I pull him up on it now, it's a shitty thing to do imo.

[Darkesteyes]

My dad sometimes makes nasty comments about womens weight.
A couple of years ago some of the family me DM DB and my niece who was then fifteen were in their living room watching tv. An episode of Glee came on and my dad said of the Mercedes character "blimey look at the size of her.She needs to go to fat camp. I was about to say something but i didnt need to. My then 15 year old DN ripped him a new one. I was so proud of her.

[Darkesteyes]

EMS my DM is Italian and my experiences of Italian men hasnt been good. There is a lot of mysogyny IME.

[Darkesteyes]

And the mysogyny comes from the women as well as the men.

[maristella]

I completely agree Darkest

My Dad may not have ever made leery or sneery comments but my mum certainly always sneers at other women (thankfully doesn't leer). That affected me, as she has often sneered about women for traits or looks like mine. Fucking witch

[flippinada]

Oh yes darkest and maristella.

My Dad had a willing accomplice in my stepmum. I remember her telling me I looked disgusting and "you shouldn't have a bum that size at your age" (I was 14, well developed and hideously self conscious about it...I mean clearly it was my fault [hmmm].

Funnily enough, both of them are and were quite heavily overweight.

[flippinada]

Epic formatting fail there, but I'm sure you get the meaning!