Why do I feel so much worse after standing up to mildly toxic mother?

[woodentrainset]

My mother and I have had a difficult relationship for as long as I can remember. She has struggled for most of her life with mental health problems (largely undiagnosed and something she would refuse to admit to) and sadly, I have borne the brunt whenever she looses the plot. When she is particularly low, something I do or say which is possibly a bit off will trigger an episode where she screams and screams, throws plates, calls me a bitch and tells me I am awful for not giving a shit about her, says she would be better off dead etc. This can go on for hours, sometimes days in various different forms (texts, emails, phonecalls). Then she gets better, never acknowledges what has happened or apologises and we go on as though nothing has happened. This led, a few years ago, to us not being in touch for some time, then we reconciled and things were ok for a few years.

Recently she has had another episode and has descended into full blown alcoholism along with diagnosed depression - both things are down to the fact that I have confronted her about how her episodes made me feel when I was younger and tried to put boundaries in place following her last visit when she was drinking heavily around the DC. This time I have had several emails (she lives abroad) telling me it is all down to me, that I am cold, unforgiving and that I need to stop punishing her. When she is like this I have learnt that she cannot be reached so I ignore her, however, once the emails started to become more constructive and talking about her next visit I sent one saying that I would have liked an apology and acknowledgement of the pain she may have caused me by saying such awful things. I thought I needed to do this in order not to feel angry but it has just made me feel really anxious - I feel as though I have kicked her whilst she is down and that as things were becoming more constructive maybe I should have gone with that and just discounted the things she said probably whilst drunk and irrational? God, getting the balance right is so bloody hard - I don't want to be a doormat and I don't want to let her get away with such shocking behaviour but if she is unwell maybe I should turn a blind eye? All I know is I am sick to death of thinking about it.

I have tried to keep this short but so hard to get enough context in that way. Thanks for reading.

[wilderumpus]

wooden you sound just like me! However I have cut off ties with my mother after she behaved so appallingly last year that it couldn't go ignored or excused (for once). she blamed me for her behaviour and told me to never contact her again... so I didn't. and a year later I still feel guilty and like I blew it all out of proportion! Is so interesting to hear your story and know that I am not alone! All my friends have lovely parents or odd ones that they put up with. But like you say, how they talk to theirs I could not contemplate doing...

FWIW even tho I feel grief and guilt at losing my family (which I am trying to work through) the critical commentary in my head about everything I do (and fail to do) has gone, I am more confident and assertive and have stopped having huge personal battles with fictional flaws such as weight. So for me, I don't want to go back to my family yet as I am clearly getting a stronger sense of self without her... but not so strong I could pick her up on her selfishness/cruel comments/ negative drinking habits and deal with the fact she might cut me out again at any time.

It was a huge decision though, to leave... I hate not having a mum... but have to know the mum I 'want' is not the mum I got, sadly. Really, very sadly.

good luck OP; a very complicated form of freedom is yours for the taking - but it is freedom :)

[wilderumpus]

hear, hear mrsdoyle.

[Mrsdoyle1]

wilderumpus, it is indeed a hard road to this kind of freedom, but personally, I have found it the only way to achieve any kind of peace with myself. Having said that I also very much 'grieve' for the mother that I have never had and never will have. It's hard to miss out on one of the most important relationships in your life, but it seems that for quite a few of us, it's a necessity for emotional survival. I wish so much that it could be otherwise, but learning to accept that this is the way it is and will always be is half the battle. A tough one, though, undeniably...

[woodentrainset]

wilderumpus I'm pleased my story has been helpful. I can feel really self-indulgent pouring out my story and emotions on here but I know just from hunting through past threads that it is incredibly comforting to read other people's stories. In fact it is often better than counselling. The other thing I realise is that no matter what flavour of toxic our mothers are, most of us seem to react in the same way and are united in understanding quite how tough the journey is - something no one in RL gets.

Just to update on my situation, I have now heard back from her and she is telling me I have got it all wrong and that she is not abusive or manipulative, simply grief stricken - denying my version of things yet again. In a funny way that helps and makes me realise how stupid I am to waste emotional energy on her as she really will never acknowledge or say sorry for what has gone on. There has been so much great advice on this thread but at the moment the sentence that is sticking in my mind is badtimes saying "I stay in touch because I don't dislike her enough to cut contact". There is something so independent about that - sounds daft but it reminds me that staying in touch is a choice I make every day and that is quite a liberating thought. I am resolving again to not put up with any more of her shit.

[wilderumpus]

sounds positive wooden :)

re: badtimes' sentence - I didn't dislike my mum enough to cut contact... I love my mum... but keeping contact made me turn the dislike onto myself instead.

take care chuck and good luck!

[Salbertina]

Oh Wild .. I get that i really do. I hope you're finding more peace now

[fiventhree]

Right, Wooden here is a description of the (sometimes) behaviour of your mentor and or best friend:

? "When she is particularly low, something I do or say which is possibly a bit off will trigger an episode where
? she screams and screams,
? throws plates,
? calls me a bitch
? tells me I am awful for not giving a shit about her,
? says she would be better off dead etc.
? This can go on for hours, sometimes days
? has descended into full blown alcoholism
? along with diagnosed depression
Both things are down to the fact that I have confronted her about how her episodes made me feel when I was younger and tried to put boundaries in place following her last visit when she was drinking heavily around the DC. "

This is culled word for word from your own initial post.

Is this acceptable to you?

[nicholarseparsons]

Wooden i had a mother like yours.

Eventually my own emotional well being depended on me realising that no matter what she said or did to me she could not do any more damage than she had already done - I was in my 40's.

She died suddenly in january. I chose a reading for the funeral - Dylan Thomas's "Do not go gentle into that good night". I substituted the word 'men' for the word 'women' to make it fit. I stood up and read it to the congregation. I needed to.

I have found other women who are as caring, nurturing and kind to me as I could want a mother to be. I feel sadness for her chronic unhappiness, bitterness and sense of unmet entitlement to have the world exactly as she wanted it to be. But the moment I realised that she was who she was before I was even born liberated me from any sense of guilt and responsibility for detaching myself from her and leaving her to her misery.

Your mother may never be who you need her to be. But that shouldn't stop you from being the person you want to be.