So sick of it all

[hamandegg]

Not sure where to post this.

I'm currently on mat. leave and have 2 DDs, DD1 is 3 and DD2 is 6 months. I hate my life and no-one knows it. DH works long hours, never helps with anything around the house, I do everything, from putting the cereal and milk back in the cupboard/fridge every morning to all the food planning, cooking and all childcare - although thankfully DD1 has a nursery place some days and we have a cleaner. I have a high powered job I don't want to return to after the stress of returning after DD1 and doing the above landed me with a breakdown.

We have no family close by. I resent my parents an my ILs. My parents because my mum is an alcoholic and my dad is useless. I've bailed them out financially and dealt with their emotional issues for YEARS - I couldn't wit to leave home and go to Uni to get away from their depressing failings. I then spent years getting a good job so that I could afford to save them financially (which I did numerous times when they pawned wedding rings etc). Managed to avoid them selling the house to pay off credit card debts by giving them £20k. When they come to visit mum usually starts sneaking off for her secret vodka swigs between 2 and 4pm and is slurring by 7 and staggering soon after - we all ignore this and pretend it's not happening - I'm afraid if what the confrontation would do - that I'd completely break mum and dad for exposing the dirty secret I suppose.

The ILs favour my SIL who leads a charmed existance. She live much closer to them and gets free childcare from them everyday. She's had many weekends away, nights out and time off. Her kids are always being clothed and given toys and games by the ILs, her lavish wedding was fully paid for, her husband has inherited a packet and they're just buying a massive house. I try really hard to just suck it up and mind my own business but it just compounds the shtness of my life TBH. I've had one day away from the kids in 3 years and DD1 is a real tantruming challenge and it's wearing me down.

I have no close friends (plenty I see for coffee but no-one who'd send me a birthday card for example), last year SIL didn't even send me a card. Whenever I try to raise how I feel DH is useless, he doesn't understand and seems to find it all a bit perplexing and a bit of an inconvenience. I don't feel cared for by anyone and I'm pig sick of being the one who takes care of everyone else. My favourite time this year was recovering in hospital from my CS as it was 2.5 days of someone else taking care of me - I cried when I left.

I really don't know how to get out of this mess. My life seems to consist of one long trudge, I can choose to trudge in different ways (back to work, SAHM, more childcare/less childcare) but it's all sht to be honest. I've felt suicidal but my parents would really lose the plot if I did that (kids are too young to really be bothered for long and DH would find someone else, he's young enough but I know that I shouldn't do that to them) so I just stay stuck, trudging along. Turning up to all the baby coffee mornings and singing groups and the rest of it pretending it's all lovely when it's not. I hate everything about being trapped in this life. I wish I hadn't married DH. I feel like putting my walking boots on and just going.

This is getting stupidly long and waffley so I'll stop now - should also say I've namechanged for this, I use the site quite a bit. Not really sure what I think this will achieve but I'm on my own at the mo so wanted to get this out of me.

[princessnumber2]

You are doing far too much for everyone. It's really easy for this to become a habit. Most people in your situation would feel very low. I think you should see GP for anti depressants and get referred for CBT. There will be a long wait but worth it - not just for immediate problems but long term issues of looking after yourself and kicking your dh up the arse. If you can afford it, pay for some sessions or ask HV if anything available for new mums. People do not manage to do it all. No one does it all and if they try they generally crack up. What would happen if you just didn't sort the food out? Just tell your dh to do it or tell your friends you're ill and can't make it. Tell them you've got a stomach bug and they won't want you organising the food

I know so many people who have been in your situation when kids are young and at home. I find it gets easier as the kids get older and i have also gradually 'trained' dh to be more competent. Have also retrained myself not to take responsibility for everything...

[mcmooncup]

Great advice from everyone.

I only have one thing to offer: whatever you do, do not sacrifice your job and career.

Sacrifice the cleaning, the washing, the menial stuff just like your dh does, but you will need this job and the freedom it gives you in the long run.

[mcmooncup]

p.s. I don't buy the 'training' of husbands line. It inevitably fails and wastes your time while trying.

[Abitwobblynow]

Yes. Never, ever give up your job. Always have at least 3 months rent + bills stashed away (advice from a counsellor)

I am trying to find one in my 50s after being SAHM.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Sticky has some very wise words - why should the house being immaculate and your DH having a lovely balance of DC and work, and your 20 friends having a great weekend, take precedence over something as vital as your mental health?

Please OP look after yourself now, before you reach another breaking point.

(((hugs)))

[achillea]

I'd go with wobbly's advice about getting help from Alanon - your co-dependency issues that have arisen through your mother's alcoholism may be affecting your relationship, dealing with this problem might help with the others.

You say you don't want to return to work because there was too much stress last time, perhaps you should trust your instinct with that and focus on the children for a while. Perhaps a couple of days work a week would be a good compromise?

It is very very tough having a 6 month and a 2.5 yr old, even with support, cleaner, childcare etc. But it will be over very quickly - they will pass through one phase and into another. My memories of it are that it was completely absorbing and involving, there wasn't any spare energy or time left for anyone or anything else. I think that's fairly normal.

I wouldn't give up your weekend away, it could be just what you need, but do talk to some of your friends and get them to help. Even if it's just to do the shopping. Of course DP should do it, but it sounds as though getting him involved won't be much actual practical help.