So sick of it all

[hamandegg]

Not sure where to post this.

I'm currently on mat. leave and have 2 DDs, DD1 is 3 and DD2 is 6 months. I hate my life and no-one knows it. DH works long hours, never helps with anything around the house, I do everything, from putting the cereal and milk back in the cupboard/fridge every morning to all the food planning, cooking and all childcare - although thankfully DD1 has a nursery place some days and we have a cleaner. I have a high powered job I don't want to return to after the stress of returning after DD1 and doing the above landed me with a breakdown.

We have no family close by. I resent my parents an my ILs. My parents because my mum is an alcoholic and my dad is useless. I've bailed them out financially and dealt with their emotional issues for YEARS - I couldn't wit to leave home and go to Uni to get away from their depressing failings. I then spent years getting a good job so that I could afford to save them financially (which I did numerous times when they pawned wedding rings etc). Managed to avoid them selling the house to pay off credit card debts by giving them £20k. When they come to visit mum usually starts sneaking off for her secret vodka swigs between 2 and 4pm and is slurring by 7 and staggering soon after - we all ignore this and pretend it's not happening - I'm afraid if what the confrontation would do - that I'd completely break mum and dad for exposing the dirty secret I suppose.

The ILs favour my SIL who leads a charmed existance. She live much closer to them and gets free childcare from them everyday. She's had many weekends away, nights out and time off. Her kids are always being clothed and given toys and games by the ILs, her lavish wedding was fully paid for, her husband has inherited a packet and they're just buying a massive house. I try really hard to just suck it up and mind my own business but it just compounds the shtness of my life TBH. I've had one day away from the kids in 3 years and DD1 is a real tantruming challenge and it's wearing me down.

I have no close friends (plenty I see for coffee but no-one who'd send me a birthday card for example), last year SIL didn't even send me a card. Whenever I try to raise how I feel DH is useless, he doesn't understand and seems to find it all a bit perplexing and a bit of an inconvenience. I don't feel cared for by anyone and I'm pig sick of being the one who takes care of everyone else. My favourite time this year was recovering in hospital from my CS as it was 2.5 days of someone else taking care of me - I cried when I left.

I really don't know how to get out of this mess. My life seems to consist of one long trudge, I can choose to trudge in different ways (back to work, SAHM, more childcare/less childcare) but it's all sht to be honest. I've felt suicidal but my parents would really lose the plot if I did that (kids are too young to really be bothered for long and DH would find someone else, he's young enough but I know that I shouldn't do that to them) so I just stay stuck, trudging along. Turning up to all the baby coffee mornings and singing groups and the rest of it pretending it's all lovely when it's not. I hate everything about being trapped in this life. I wish I hadn't married DH. I feel like putting my walking boots on and just going.

This is getting stupidly long and waffley so I'll stop now - should also say I've namechanged for this, I use the site quite a bit. Not really sure what I think this will achieve but I'm on my own at the mo so wanted to get this out of me.

[achillea]

I'd go with wobbly's advice about getting help from Alanon - your co-dependency issues that have arisen through your mother's alcoholism may be affecting your relationship, dealing with this problem might help with the others.

You say you don't want to return to work because there was too much stress last time, perhaps you should trust your instinct with that and focus on the children for a while. Perhaps a couple of days work a week would be a good compromise?

It is very very tough having a 6 month and a 2.5 yr old, even with support, cleaner, childcare etc. But it will be over very quickly - they will pass through one phase and into another. My memories of it are that it was completely absorbing and involving, there wasn't any spare energy or time left for anyone or anything else. I think that's fairly normal.

I wouldn't give up your weekend away, it could be just what you need, but do talk to some of your friends and get them to help. Even if it's just to do the shopping. Of course DP should do it, but it sounds as though getting him involved won't be much actual practical help.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Sticky has some very wise words - why should the house being immaculate and your DH having a lovely balance of DC and work, and your 20 friends having a great weekend, take precedence over something as vital as your mental health?

Please OP look after yourself now, before you reach another breaking point.

(((hugs)))

[Abitwobblynow]

Yes. Never, ever give up your job. Always have at least 3 months rent + bills stashed away (advice from a counsellor)

I am trying to find one in my 50s after being SAHM.

[mcmooncup]

p.s. I don't buy the 'training' of husbands line. It inevitably fails and wastes your time while trying.

[mcmooncup]

Great advice from everyone.

I only have one thing to offer: whatever you do, do not sacrifice your job and career.

Sacrifice the cleaning, the washing, the menial stuff just like your dh does, but you will need this job and the freedom it gives you in the long run.

[princessnumber2]

You are doing far too much for everyone. It's really easy for this to become a habit. Most people in your situation would feel very low. I think you should see GP for anti depressants and get referred for CBT. There will be a long wait but worth it - not just for immediate problems but long term issues of looking after yourself and kicking your dh up the arse. If you can afford it, pay for some sessions or ask HV if anything available for new mums. People do not manage to do it all. No one does it all and if they try they generally crack up. What would happen if you just didn't sort the food out? Just tell your dh to do it or tell your friends you're ill and can't make it. Tell them you've got a stomach bug and they won't want you organising the food

I know so many people who have been in your situation when kids are young and at home. I find it gets easier as the kids get older and i have also gradually 'trained' dh to be more competent. Have also retrained myself not to take responsibility for everything...

[handbagCrab]

Practically you could:

Tell one or most or all of the 20 friends that you misjudged your time and because of baby you don't have time to organise the weekend. Your sorry but someone else needs to take charge. They have 5 working days to do this if you do it now, 20 competent adults can do this. If they don't? Dominos and curry for all!

Ring your gp. If you can't get through, find a hv drop in today and go there. Tell them how you feel. Get them to entertain dc until you get through to gp or if they can get through, they can make your app.

Find a counsellor. You need help to understand why you do things and how you feel. This is money well worth spending on yourself and will make such a difference to your way of life.

Make dh responsible for some housework. Write it down and forget about it. If he was well enough to go to the pub with his mates, he's well enough to help you round the house. If he has a low level thing say either he needs to go to the gp or get on with it as its not fair on the family to get the literally shitty end of the stick whilst he spends his precious energy on himself. If he really can't be trusted then make him responsible for the things that effect him and not the rest of you. Consider nannies, au pairs, more cleaner time, ironing services, on line shopping, takeaways/ ready meals, more nursery time. Whatever you can afford and suits you best.

Ask mil for help. Ask her to come round one weekend to look after dc either with or without dh. She is obviously competent. The worst she can say is no then you're not in any worse position than you are now.

Forget about your parents for now. You cannot look after your dc and your parents and yourself. Your dc need you to be well. Your parents are adults and can look after themselves. I know how hard this is but if you have counselling you can look at this in time when you are a bit stronger.

I wouldn't piss off work ATM. Just because I think you need to keep your financial independence. Make your meeting today, be all smiles and non committal but positive. Bide your time. I suppose potentially you may have another 6 months off. Potentially this is enough time to sort out some of the issues you have that might make work easier. Or enough time to find another job.

Above all, stop taking responsibility for everything! So what if you miss baby group? You had 3 appointments, why isn't dh taking the day off to look after the dcs so you can ge to the gp and to work? Why are your 20 bloody mates expecting the new mum to organise everything for them. I'm angry on your behalf!

[StickyProblem]

I agree with other posters who have said you should talk to the GP. However in the short term some logistical stuff:

Could you stick the DCs in front of the TV and do your phone calls in another room? Tell them if they come out before you come in, they don't get a lolly. Bribery works!

Think of the stuff you need to do for the weekend and write a list for your DH to do. EG. Food for 20: 1 buffet lunch, 1 cooked breakfast etc
Or even break it down further - 40 x eggs, 40 x bacon rashers, 20 x sausages.
Getting blow up beds out of loft, or whatever - give him a list and tell him:

"All the other couples do this TOGETHER and I told you at the weekend I'm at the end of my tether. By Wednesday, if you haven't helped me get this together, I am cancelling."

Your DH should be doing more than half of this "extra stuff" if you are doing all the childcare.

Really, why should the house being immaculate and your DH having a lovely balance of DC and work, and your 20 friends having a great weekend, take precedence over something as vital as your mental health? Put that first. If something goes, one of your spinning plates crashes, it'll have to be the less important stuff NOT your health. And if there are mums among those 20 friends of yours, they will be fully sympathetic to "it was just too much for me to cope with". They may not say it in front of a large group, like your baby group friends, but all mums know that feeling.

You sound as though you have really high standards. I have low ones :) if you need help reinterpreting your tasks at bare minimum standard, I'm happy to help. This btw is the answer to your last desperate question: many people don't do all this, they slack on some parts of it, or in my case they manage a single DC and work but don't have a social life (I'm reasonably happy with that - I can't do it all).

Good luck.

[Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname]

Have you asked him, directly, to help you with the food for the weekend?

If not, then tell him you need him to do it and see what he says. From what you've posted, he tends to say things that suggest he can't pitch in (e.g. he's ill). Does he refuse to help if you ask him flat out? Don't let him off the hook.

I would seriously consider cancelling the weekend. Say you are ill and can't manage it by yourself. Doesn't he think of you as a team? It doesn't seem like it. What's his big contribution to the household?

[Bintang]

would a nanny help more than cleaner/nursaery? Would keep on top of things for the children atbleast.

Please see you gp- you don't have to feel like this.

Home start might help too if you come under their area.
Good luck, and be kind to yourself.

[Abitwobblynow]

You are so low. I think situationally (ie, a NORMAL reaction to the complete lack of support in your life).

Please know and accept that your depression and breakdown is your true, authentic soul self telling you 'you cannot go on like this'.

You have been trained from a very early age to care about everyone except yourself - and to pick up the pieces. You chose an H who also comes from this model, and for whom this - your over-functioning - is normal too.

Please find a counsellor. Then, find your nearest Al-anon meetings AND GO. What al-anon does, is help you learn what you are responsible for and what you are not responsible for, and developing the DETACHMENT and BOUNDARIES to protect and nurture yourself. It is, IMO, vital. Hubby is just going to have to do that evening's routine.

It is very very very hard to change co-dependency. First you have to drop the denial, then you have to become aware of the patterns, and then you have to change the way YOU react - whilst battling the guilt and confusion and unhappy reactions of everyone around you (who want you to change back and don't like you creating waves) ... all the time believing in yourself and loving yourself enough to persist in the face of all the disapproval.

It is hard, but you are literally doing it to save your life. Good luck OP. Feel the fear, and do it anyway.

[hamandegg]

Thanks everyone. I know all your advice makes sense but I just don't know how I can make everything 'stop' so I can do all of these things.

I have both kids today and the Dr will be constantly engaged. There's no way I'll be allowed the time to stay on the phone until this is sorted, my eldest will just hassle me for something, have a tantrum and/or the youngest will start screaming.

Tomorrow I have 3 things supposed to happen at the same time, a speech therapy appt for my eldest (which means having her out of nursery all day), a class which I love to attend - one of my few releases and I'd be letting the others down if I don't go. I also have an appointment with work that requires childcare as I can't bring them with me - can't decide which ones to cancel but whatever it means more things piling up on the to do list.

DH did get the eldest up today but then did his usual of leaving everything out, (cereal, milk), his pile of clean washing has been sitting in our room for almost a week - he just rifles through it making a mess and doesn't put it away. Well today he has diahorrea apparently, so we all have to continue to feel sorry for how ill he has been for the last 2 weeks.

We're supposed to be going away with friends at the weekend and I've been put in charge of organising it, including all the food (this year it's our turn - I think most couples work together, obv. not this year, me on my own!) I have to get all of that done or there'll be 20-odd people turning up with nothing to eat all weekend - DH's response to this is not to offer help but to tell me I've taken too much on - well if I'd have known 12 months ago what I know now I'd have said no, but it's too late.

The baby hasn't stopped whining all morning as she's teething. Great. Also have a problem with an ebay payment for something I really need for the kids which requires another phone call to sort out with both of them shouting/whining/screaming in the background. How do people do this? How do they manage? I'm so so sick of it all.

[Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname]

Also, just don't do food etc for him. Let him make his own. Tell him to do some for the kids too. Don't clear up. It's the only way he'll really get it.

[Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname]

You have had a really hard time, made so by the fact that your dh and your workplace have piled extra pressure on you and refused to do a fair share.

Second all the advice about getting medical help, but also in the longer term I would

• go back to work but look for a different job to do it in (or move asap after you don't have to pay back ML money if that applies) and get union/employment advice in the meantime. Your workplace telling you you can't leave on time is not on.
  

• insist your dh takes over a substantial chunk of household tasks. He can't just expect to swan in ans out while you are suffering like this (or at all, in fact). I would blame him because he shouldn't have just left all this to you all this time, never mind how capable you may seem. You have to be very direct about this 'I can't deal with everything. I need you to take over the cooking every other day and do half the nursery pickups', something like that.
  

• Have as little contact with your parents as you can. They sound toxic.

[Mayisout]

If I had told my DH that I just couldn't carry on with all this thankless crap (AKA childrearing and housekeeping) and something had to change he would be absolutely f**ing clueless. He was once left in charge of DCs and fed them takeaways and did nothing in the house!! So I'm not surprised your DH didnt' jump to his feet and start doing everything for you and look after you (for once) - he won't have a clue where to start.

But he has probably taken on board that there is a problem.

Definitely see the GP. And the health visitor. Can you ask HV if she can recommend someone (childminder/ babysitter) who might feed the DCs and get them read for bed, or any of the routine stuff so you can get a break. Perhaps you could take DH with you to GP on subsequent visits and hear what GP suggests that DH could do to help the situation.

As for DPs and ILs - just don't go there. There is much on this messageboard about importance of DCs building relationships with GPs. Well yes if GPs are loving supporting people your DCs' sound awful. Stay away and don't have alcy mother staying over.

[achillea]

Sorry you're feeling so bad. You sound like you have been capable and coping for so long that people around you don't think you need any help - including your DP.

As I read through your thread I didn't think 'depressed' I thought 'fighter'. I also noticed the glaring hole that seems to be there - your DP is not supporting you. I wouldn't blame him particularly because you are probably just one of those strong people and over the years he hasn't had to support you. He must have been very perplexed this evening when you told it to him straight. I hope he rises to it, my guess is though, that he won't.

I am transferring a bit here - I know a lot of people like you and I'm a bit like that too. We are strong and we just cope but it wears us out in the end but when we look around for help we don't even know how to ask for it, let alone find the right people to give it to us.

DP's advice to 'find a way to deal with it' is astounding, but it tells me that he really does think you are some kind of superhuman. I think I could only suggest getting a really good relationship counsellor so you can teach him how to support you and so you can learn to ask for help, and actually get it.

As Brass said above, detach from the parents and SIL, if you can - these are both further huge issues that are probably a bigger burden on you than you think (even if you think you are coping), but focus on yourself and your DP and children first before being dragged into extended family politics.

Things may work out if you can get DP on side but if he faffs about for too long you will need to get support elsewhere.

[AbigailAdams]

hamandegg agree with the others, go and see your GP. Deal with your depression, then your arse of a DH and then your job. The lack of any support is what is causing this and your DH is topping that list. In fact he is creating more problems. Look at everything you are dealing with and he a old. Poor ickle him. Perhaps you should suggest he finds a way to deal with that and get up off his lazy arse and do something for you and your children.

[BabylonPI]

Oh sweetie, you really need to see your GP/ HV ASAP - can you ring them-first thing for an emergency appt?

[aleene]

Hamandegg, first thing tomorrow phone your doctor. Please.
I know you don't want to but it could be the first step to getting better. I think you have been coping with things by yourself for too long and now you need to get some help for yourself. What do you think?

[hamandegg]

Well, I tried really hard to make my feelings heard and understood this weekend whilst holding it together for all the trivial crap we had lined up.

I've felt lower than ever, he's been constantly moaning about being ill (he's had a cold for a fortnight) and I've done all the food and clearing up - again. I've screamed that I'm sick of it all, I've given him the silent treatment, I've gont to bed at 8pm, I've told him it felt I couldn't parent the kids for the next 18 years and I'd be better off not here.

He's told me I need to be careful as can't be like this and need to find a way to deal with it. I just don't know if I can anymore.

[Flobbadobs]

God my heart wrenched reading your OP! Sweetie you are long past feeling low, you're seriously depressed by the sound of it and need to see your GP, especially if you are actually reasoning out how everyone would get along without you. Don't take the citalopram, it's probably out of date for a start and could do more harm than good.
Do you take DD2 to get weighed? Speak to the HV maybe, they're not just there for the baby, they take the well being of the Mum into account as well.
IME baby groups are great for stealth (and not so stealth) boasting about life in general and gossip (I'm not a fan, can you tell?). No one is going to stand up and say "actually my life feels shit and I'm not coping" because those groups are about keeping baby occupied, not focussing on the Mums.
It really doesn't matter how much time your eldest spends in nursery or how easy the baby is. If you feel this bad you cannot help it.You're not getting the help you need anywhere at the moment and that has to change. Why does your DH not even bother to put the milk away? Leave it there till he does. Ditto other things that he can't be bothered doing.
About your parents... Can't you distance yourself or speak to Al Anon (i think that's the group I mean, for relatives of alchoholics) about them? Why should you be the one to pick up the pieces all the time? You need to help yourself before anyone else or nothing will improve.
Sorry, bit of an essay that one, got a little carried away x

[ktef]

I'm so sorry you feel like this. It sounds so hard constantly spending your time with friends/family/acquaintances who have no idea how you feel. It's sounds like a lonely and soul destroying place to be. I wish I knew you in r/l and I could give you a big hug, let you tell me exactly how bad you really feel. You've had some good advice here, namely please see your GP, get your husband to sort out some time off /out for you and ignore any issues of your dparents and dpil for a while. But I would also say that please fight for life, things will get better, you can change things you are not happy with, you can demand more from dh or ditch dh if you have to, you can change job and change friends. It takes time but you can do it. But I think you need to start talking, even if people don't want to hear. Start screaming if you have to, so dh/gp/friends start to know hOw you feel. Oh and maybe try talking to one of your coffee friends about how you feel. They may surprise you and want to hear what you have to say. Personally i get fed up constantly talking about nappies and lack of sleep and crave a friend who i can really talk to. Will be thinking of you. HUGS.

[arthriticfingers]

Been there and got the dirty horrible grey foodsplashed T shirt. You are exhausted and depressed. You need help. Maybe anti-depressants in the short term, but certainly a plan for a happier life style. Forcibly enlist your H and say you need to get back some control.

[4aminsomniac]

You are quite seriously depressed, actually. In my opinion, from experience.

Please see your gp, dont dose yourself. You have worse things possible than awkward questions if you delay. Only my opinion, but please take this seriously. Also, please talk to your husband about how you are feeling, and keep talking!

[Triffiddealer]

Oh OP, I am so sorry you've nobody to hug you and tell you how great you are, or to give you a night off. You sound amazing.

I second going to the GP - please, if you are even thinking about suicide, you must go and talk to someone. There is help for you, but you need to be brave and take the first step. It's the kind, strong people that collapse under the weight of carrying everyone else, and you can't do it forever, you are only human.

You have so many issues going on here. Your parents, friends, relationship, job, child care - and so little support. It's never going to work like this, you need to change something. You need to start saying no.

If you can afford it, please go and see a counsellor. I believe that all your problems stem from your abusive and neglectful parents and the way they have conditioned you to meet their needs and ignore your own happiness. You need to break this cycle and it's easier said than done. If you can't afford to pay for counselling, ask the GP (although there will be a waiting list on NHS).

Susan Forward Toxic Parents is a good book to start with.

If there is one of the mums that is perhaps a bit kinder or more empathetic than the others, how about asking her for a coffee and a chat. Say you need some advice? It's hard, but if you always put up a front of 'everything is OK' then nobody will ever get close to you or warm to you.