He wants to separate

[McBuckers]

My DH and I have had a rough couple of years. We live far away from family and close friends and he has a job that involves working evenings and going away for a couple of nights a month.

We have three children - 6, 2 and 3 months. About 10 months ago he had a brief fling with someone he works with. I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he begged me not to. We carried o and went to counselling and things were fine for a while.

Our third child was born in April and things were good for a few weeks but then I started to feel that things were going wrong again and that there may be someone else. On Tuesday night I found a message in his phone. From him to a woman he works with saying that he loved her. It turned out that he had slept with her twice the previous week.

On Thursday night we had a long talk. I can see now that in many ways I have pushed him away for fear of getting hurt again and that he has gone to someone else for that love and affection.

That night we made love - he instigated it and then immediately afterwards he said he wanted a separation. I texted the OW and begged her to please leave him to think about the situation and about our family. Pathetic I know, but I was desperate.

He asked for some thinking time and he stayed away all last night to think about things. This morning her came back and said that if we were to have any sort of future we needed to be honest with each other. He was acting in a very kind and conciliatory way - saying to our baby "daddy's been very silly" and he took us out to lunch and we had a fun day with the kids. The only blot was that he was getting texts from this woman all day and each time he got one he became more distant.

When the kids went to bed we talked, I again apologised for the mistakes that I have made in our marriage but he refused to listen, said that he'd been miserable for years and that he wanted to separate.

He said that he doesn't want to move out as the house is half his and he can't afford to pay half the mortgage and rent somewhere else. But he does want to separate. I know in my heart that we can turn things around and be happy but he doesn't want to listen.

I can't bear the thought of losing him and the thought of sharing custody of the children and breaking their hearts is too much to contemplate.

I don't know whether to force him to leave so that he will (hopefully) miss me and the kids (though obviously this would also give him more time to spend with the OW) or to try and keep hammering home the fact that we could be happy if only he would live me another chance.

He won't even let me cuddle him. I can't eat or sleep and I can't talk to m y friends about it because they all think I should have left him the first time he strayed.

I just want the opportunity too show him how much I love him but he won't let me.

[McBuckers]

I'm so cross with myself, this morning I thought I could handle the living together but separated thing but actually I can't. I just want him to go now. It's too much to bear.

[Inertia]

Don't be cross with yourself lovely, you've done nothing wrong. Be cross with him.

As his parents seem sympathetic, would it be worth asking them to talk to him about moving out? It sounds like he's staying out of stubbornness - no wonder you feel shattered by it.

[AnyFucker]

Tell him if he has any regard for you as the mother of his DC, he will go

[McBuckers]

I just have - he ain't listening.

[AnyFucker]

What a complete bastardy

Then I recommend you star divorce proceedings tomorrow...that should concentrate his mind, and divert some blood supply away from his groin

[AnyFucker]

Sorry for typos

[McBuckers]

How can he not want me anymore but still hang around. Why would he do that?

[AnyFucker]

He wants what he tried to get in the beginning....you to continue to.provide domestic services and STFU

[McBuckers]

It's all such a mess. I honestly don't know whether i want to f0ck him or smash his face in

[AnyFucker]

Please don't do anything to demean yourself. Your dignity is very precious to you right now

The reason you feel so conflicted is because he is still there. He hasn't even got the common decency to give you some space to sort out your head after such a Bombshell

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

He's hanging around waiting for you to change your mind and go back to the way things were until he can start pulling his shit again in a few months time.
Dress up tomorrow and go out for the day (even if its just to the solicitors) as i saw someone comment either on this thread or another, 'show him you're still beautiful and fuckable' or words to that effect and most importantly that it isn't going to be him doing it.
Best to go out looking good on a nice sunny day you will get looks that will make you feel on top of the world, have your hair done if you can.
He will be wondering WTF and you can basically rub his nose in it, you deserve it as he's piled the shit on you.
Enjoy watching him as he realises you're quite possibly off on a new path without him and a lot happier :)
You're so brave all that you've been through already keep it up xx

[BurlingtonBertieFromBow]

"I think the fact that he was out with the OW til 2am on the day I was due to give birth to our third child says how much family means to him."

Oh. My God.

You have to divorce him. You can't live with someone like that.

Unfortunately you cannot make him leave the house, but you can see a solicitor.

[AnyFucker]

Start the divorce

[Beckamaw]

What a cock!
I had one like that. Never came home until kids were in bed. Sleeping with OW while I was pregnant with second child.
It is super hard. We did a legal separation. I took 50% equity and bought a new place.
It was a great new start after the crap.

I also met a damned gorgeous man who loves doing family stuff. We now have a baby. This is what life is all about!

If you're going through crap, KEEP GOING!!

[Bluegingham]

You want a happy life for you and your kids? Well eradicating this oxygen thief from your life gets you a huge step closer.

[cakehappy]

OP, I have spent alot of time in the last year on MN, and have seen alot of crap from men but your husband really takes the cake, and you seem to have thought his horrible behaviour was justifiable, which makes me wonder where you are emotionally. I'm sure he hasn't been there for you or for the kids in the way he should have been or you would have realised that this behaviour is completely and totally bonkers and horrific, that is the Gods honest truth! From an outsider, its NOT good at all. You are at a crossroads in your life, you can faff around, accept him back, you guys can "fall back in love" be happy again blah,blah,blah ,because as soon as he starts seeing you getting tough and actually looking like you might be willing and able to make it on your own he is gonna be Mr. Bloody Niceguy and try all of the tricks of the trade to make you stay/allow him to stay. To reign you back in to slowly reassert control over you, so that he can start to live as he obviously wants to, with you and the children at home, and an OW to screw. And before you know it, its all going to be as it used to be. But you will never be able to forget the image of him fucking another woman, or smother the seeds of doubt in your mind over what kind of man he really is, and in a month, or a year you will be going through it all over again. An absent husband,wondering where he is and who he is with. But feeling even worse about yourself, and a lower self esteem and a broken heart and an unhappy family. Spare yourself the pain,maintain dignity, give yourself a chance and see what he has really done, and get out of the marriage. This is not a good place for you to be. Trust me and trust the people on here who have been through it and know what its like to be in a better place. Time to wake up and see what is really going on around yo,IMO. Good luck, you sound lovely.

[swallowedAfly]

OP just a thought worth bearing in mind - he too may have had advice and know his best bet is not to leave the family home. it may not be stubborness or wanting things back to normal, it might be about pushing you to leaving and him having the house or just that he's read somewhere whatever you do don't move out.

i really think a solicitor is necessary but i'd first exhaust all avenues of other pressure you can bring - re: cry on the phone to his parents telling them how unbearable it is to have him there and how it would be much better for the children for him to go rather than confuse issues and let them put pressure on him. tell all your friends. have friends and family of yours there A LOT. make it uncomfortable for him and make it very public that he has announced his second affair and that he doesn't want you yet refuses to leave the house. don't keep secrets for him - let it be very well known.

leave the kids with him A LOT in the evenings. just walk out the door as he walks in. get up and dressed on a saturday morning and announce you have plans and you'll be back at 5 and leave. make being at home hard work - you're certainly not doing anything other than making him be a responsible resident parent doing his share so don't feel bad about it.

i think you have to be aware that he may be strategising and not be naively assuming he's just being stubborn or weird or whatever other emotion you project onto him - he may know exactly what he's doing.

[AnyFucker]

Good Point, saf

[Rowanhart]

Swallowed a fly those are great tips!

[olgaga]

Some great advice on here - except the stuff about "don't leave your home".

McBuckers you have said you would like to return to your home town where you have support and help with the kids. That's a perfectly sound reason to make the move. You are not leaving the country or even going to the other end of the country - it is within easy driving distance.

I'm sure the advice here about not leaving the home is well intentioned but you will not lose any claim on this joint asset if you leave.

I have found another website which I will add to my lengthy post above - don't understand how it got left off. Divorceaid is signposted by CAFCASS, Family Justice Council, Relate, DirectGov, H.M Courts, Samaritans, Resolution, ChildLine, Mind, NHS and numerous other organisations. This is what they say about leaving the family home:

"Does my claim to the property alter if I have to leave it?
If the atmosphere at home has become unbearable or there is domestic violence and one of you chooses to leave, that person does not lose any entitlement to a claim in the property. If you are leaving, it could be prudent to collect your personal documents as it could become difficult to obtain them at a later date if circumstances and emotions change. Again, this could be discussed with your solicitor or the police in an emergency as the law could possibly provide various ways of protecting you and any children."

www.divorceaid.co.uk/financial/family-home.htm

Is there a friend or a member of the family who could come and stay with you while you pack and organise your move? This will give you some protection, and hopefully neutralise the atmosphere in the house. It would be good for the children too if they can have their GM or similar to stay. If you are going to move you might as well find a family lawyer in your home town and do it from there. It's a big step, but I think it's the best solution for you.

However hard it is McBuckers you have to shift your focus away from him. His only role in your life now is as the father of your kids and the respondent in your divorce. You can do this, be strong.

[swallowedAfly]

depends if you want to live in it i guess olgaga - if you're only after your share in the sale value that's fine but for many that wouldn't amount to anything realistic to put to a new home. if you move out with the kids it ceases to be the family home and is just an asset i guess. if it's the family home then it's reasonable for the children and caregiver to remain in it till the children leave home.

no expert obviously but if the OP wants it to continue as the family home then i'd have thought she needs to live in it AS the family home to maximise her chances of it continuing as such.

[CremeEggThief]

How are you today, McB? There is SO much to take in. Your head must be all over the place.

[McBuckers]

I'm still up and down. Have joined a gym today, booked a hair appointment and a girls night out. Husband has been very accommodating in looking after the kids. DD1 seems very low - clingy and tearful - and I'm starting to wonder whether she's starting to pick up on things. I feel so bad for her - it's not the future she deserves.

[CremeEggThief]

It's good to have some things lined up. Good for you!

[swallowedAfly]

as a child of a man who had serial affairs i can tell you ime it is better he goes now and she is raised by separated parents than goes through this over and over again.