He wants to separate

[McBuckers]

My DH and I have had a rough couple of years. We live far away from family and close friends and he has a job that involves working evenings and going away for a couple of nights a month.

We have three children - 6, 2 and 3 months. About 10 months ago he had a brief fling with someone he works with. I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he begged me not to. We carried o and went to counselling and things were fine for a while.

Our third child was born in April and things were good for a few weeks but then I started to feel that things were going wrong again and that there may be someone else. On Tuesday night I found a message in his phone. From him to a woman he works with saying that he loved her. It turned out that he had slept with her twice the previous week.

On Thursday night we had a long talk. I can see now that in many ways I have pushed him away for fear of getting hurt again and that he has gone to someone else for that love and affection.

That night we made love - he instigated it and then immediately afterwards he said he wanted a separation. I texted the OW and begged her to please leave him to think about the situation and about our family. Pathetic I know, but I was desperate.

He asked for some thinking time and he stayed away all last night to think about things. This morning her came back and said that if we were to have any sort of future we needed to be honest with each other. He was acting in a very kind and conciliatory way - saying to our baby "daddy's been very silly" and he took us out to lunch and we had a fun day with the kids. The only blot was that he was getting texts from this woman all day and each time he got one he became more distant.

When the kids went to bed we talked, I again apologised for the mistakes that I have made in our marriage but he refused to listen, said that he'd been miserable for years and that he wanted to separate.

He said that he doesn't want to move out as the house is half his and he can't afford to pay half the mortgage and rent somewhere else. But he does want to separate. I know in my heart that we can turn things around and be happy but he doesn't want to listen.

I can't bear the thought of losing him and the thought of sharing custody of the children and breaking their hearts is too much to contemplate.

I don't know whether to force him to leave so that he will (hopefully) miss me and the kids (though obviously this would also give him more time to spend with the OW) or to try and keep hammering home the fact that we could be happy if only he would live me another chance.

He won't even let me cuddle him. I can't eat or sleep and I can't talk to m y friends about it because they all think I should have left him the first time he strayed.

I just want the opportunity too show him how much I love him but he won't let me.

[WhereMyMilk]

Good for you McB!

[McBuckers]

Will wait until tomorrow to tell him my terms for the separation. I'm in a good and I don't want to spoil it.,

[CremeEggThief]

Go, McB :).

50Shades, I had the "happiness I deserve" speech too! Along with, "I didn't want a second child, as I thought there would be even less love for me... DS took away most of your love for me"!!!

[bogeyface]

And when you do, watch his face fall a million miles when he realises that actually you are not a doormat and he isnt getting this all his own way!

[Markingthehours]

Can I suggest McB that you say NOTHING to him (unnerving or what eh? ) until you have seen a solicitor.

There is nothing so forceful as knowing where you stand and knowing that what you say is backed up by law.

[runningforme]

My sister's husband started cheating on her when she'd not long had their first dc and was pregnant with their second. He told her it was in her head, even when she found clues etc. It went on for over a year with them splitting up and getting back together over and over because he'd convinced her he wasnt cheating. It all came to a head when my sis found out ow was weeks away from giving birth. My sis left her husband, got her own place and moved on. She's shown him she can live without him. And do it well. He's been begging her to take him back ever since.

Don't be a doormat. Keep your dignity - you are stronger than you think. And if he can't love you and treat you right, then move him out the picture so he's not blocking the way for the man who will

Good luck x

[swallowedAfly]

hope you're feeling ok this morning OP. this is your life and you're in the driving seat. nothing is set in stone. everything can be changed even when it feels like it's cemented into place by the momentum of your life so far. we're only young! we've got plenty more mistakes and recoveries in us yet x

[McBuckers]

I'm actually feeling strangely positive about everything this morning. I realise now that I've been stuck in a rut ever since we had kids and always felt defined by my role as a mother I think this has given me the kick up the arse I needed to go out there and start living my life!

[Bossybritches22]

Yaaay fighting talk McB good for you!!

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Good for you and good luck :)

[olgaga]

You might find this information useful McBuckers:


Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Try to get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor.

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It doesn?t mean equal (50/50) parenting/contact time - children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance),

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

//www.resolution.org.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. A Mediator can help you to have a structured discussion in a neutral setting and help you reach agreement. They should have knowledge of family law but are not there to give legal advice.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

//www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:

//www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

//www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

//www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

//www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1. The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
   
2. The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
   
3. Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
   
4. Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
   
5. The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
   
6. Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
   
7. The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
   
8. Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
   
9. Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.
   
   
   CSA maintenance calculator:
   
   //www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp
   
   Handy tax credits calculator:
   
   //taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx
   
   Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
   
   //www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/
   
   Parenting issues:
   
   //theparentconnection.org.uk/
   
   Support for women
   
   //www.maypole.org.uk/
   //www.womensaid.org.uk/
   //www.gingerbread.org.uk/
   
   Housing
   
   england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships
   
   (Bear in mind that if you are not in England there is usually an appropriate link on these websites. There are significant differences in Scottish law and housing provision).

[olgaga]

The shelter link at the end didn't work - it's:

//england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships

[McBuckers]

Wow - thanks Olgaga. That is so useful, thank you. Now where do I start!

[olgaga]

I'd recommend the Directgov and Adviceguide links first! Good luck.

[AnyFucker]

I love it when you put up those links, olgaga

Good luck op, I have a feeling your life is going to improve immeasurably npw

[swallowedAfly]

really useful olgaga

glad to hear you feeling positive OP.

[olgaga]

Many thanks! I've had some lovely PMs about it too.

You may have noticed that I've now amended it slightly, including the main issues family courts consider. I can't always get on here every day so do spread the word if I miss an opportunity!

[skyebluesapphire]

You have had some great advice on here. I did the same as you and blamed myself for everything and begged him to come back and said I would be whatever he wanted me to be...... against all advice on here, lol.

My STBXH blamed me for everything and would not accept any of the blame himself.

You seem to be stronger than when you first posted. Stay that way.

[McBuckers]

Am feeling down again now. I really wish he would move out. It's much too hard him still being here.

[McBuckers]

God I wish I could turn the click back

[Inertia]

Even if you could turn the clock back, you wouldn't be able to change what he did. He made those choices, and he'd have made the same choices regardless of how perfect a wife you'd been.

[CremeEggThief]

McB, you are going to be up and down for a long time. You're probably still in shock. I thought I was okay, but now, I can hardly remember those first three weeks or so.

All I can advise you to do is take it one day at a time and store up the times you feel good, as they will be an anchor for you when you're feeling down.

[Inertia]

You need to speak to a solicitor. In fact you need to speak to several solicitors, because if he speaks to them first then nobody in that practice can deal with you.

Am gobsmacked that he expected you to carry on as his unpaid skivvy and childcare while he got to stay in the family house and go to OW when he felt like it!

[Inertia]

Is there anyone who can be in the house with you over the next few days McB? Your parents, or his parents, or friends? If somebody could help you out with childcare while you sort out what you need to do, that would have the added bonus of giving you some moral support. H will be less likely to make you feel uncomfortable if you have company.

Take care McB.