Is my husband playing away or trying to???!

[twentyeightagain]

I need some help - husband working away for 18 month or so, comes home at weekends - too far for me to go to him - I'm at home with 2 under fours. He's always been workaholic so used to him being busy/away. He's a good dad/husband and does a lot when here but strange behaviour lately - new wardrobe, little digs (I have been feeling exhausted recently), forgot my b'day then went overboard over the following months. I realise it looks glaringly obvious when I read through it but he HAS been put under stress at work and is attentive. He hates his job but he is earning good money and not much work where we are. He keeps everything on work phone/laptop so I have no real need to use or snoop! I lost the plot at him the other day as I feel something is up and he said he isn't that sort of person and I should know that after 15 yrs!
How can I tell if he's just placating me to carry on with whatever he's doing or if he's telling me the truth? I have seen work messages to someone he's never mentioned to me. Just a couple - nothing personal but I just a bad feeling:(

[EdgeofGlory]

The one thing that stands out to me, why delete your calls? There is no reason for him to be deleting call history.

That would alert my suspicions if nothing else. Although, the new live messenger email is another concern.

I hope it's not what you think.

[DorothyGherkins]

Tell him you are thinking of coming to visit him while he is away, bring the kids for a night or two away - see his instant reaction.

[Youcanringmybell]

Don't let your guard down. The signs are starting. He may well have done nothing yet ....but I think the flirting and bond is starting.

I feel for you - I have been there

[twentyeightagain]

Yeh, the call deleting did make me wonder. He knows it's not practical for me to go there as he's in shared accom and he gets paid travel. Kids are at nurs soon so tbh it's not practical -I should have done it a couple of weeks ago! I just want it all to go away and feel sick at the uncomfortable w.end ahead. If he is up to something he will have got rid of emails etc so either way I feel like an idiot for saying anything.

[twentyeightagain]

Youcanringmybell - yeh, I have only had it happen to once that I know of - it's got to be up there with worst feelings to have. He doesn't really have many women friends just friends wives and he's almost same to them as to the men! He just tends to go quiet or sleep a lot when home. I know he's working really long hours by his payslip! He's not a big talker and moans about work more and more. He says he can't wait til finished and back home. Seems stressed in big office (compared with here) but I don't ring him in daytime as he's often in meetings etc. (no,really!! It's wht his job is like!)

[EdgeofGlory]

You mustn't feel like an idiot. My husband had a new hotmail account & deleted history on mobile.......but one day I checked & he'd been lapse in deleting an email......one email turned my world upside down (but we are still together).

Gut feeling is usually right - it's depends if you can cope with what you may discover.

Either way it's unpleasant for you & that sickly feeling is awful, I know it well.

I can't advise you, just wanted to show you some support.

[twentyeightagain]

I know. It's made me feel sick and even worse when I look at the things altogether. I think because of longer hours, travelling etc - there could always be an excuse for behaviour but the deleting bit and new email addresses. The thing is he's never been a big texter before (short practical emails) and pretty unromantic so that doesn't really fit either. What do I do now tho because I have sais that I think something's up etc etc but he said loads about he would never do that to me etc and now he's same on phone, text as if nothing's been said. He's back later today. I just feel sick and feel like PI'm just pretending to be glad he's here.

[solittletimeandsomuchtodo]

I discovered my DP had been having an affair for two years. Checked his phone messages and then confronted but at least he confessed. His messages gave enough away!

[madas]

Get of here 28 or you will get even more paranoid. I delete my internet history every time i use it and regularly delete my phone history, does that make me a bad boy?

[cahu]

Why is kicking him out more acceptable than a bit of quiet snooping? Your instincts are telling you something is not quite right, trust them and not what he says.

[twentyeightagain]

Madas, you're probably a bloke who's cheated and then said "oh my god you're so paranoid" to someone. It's not just to do with phone history deleted once or emails deleted. He's never shown me emails until the other day as we were looking for an email for us but to his email acc. I don't use his computer or if
I do it's to google. I hadn't any need to.

[cahu]

twentyeightagain.... my ex-h was a devoted family man, 2dd's, beautiful home etc. He also worked away a couple of nights a week. Went through a bad patch, his predatory ex waiting in the wings, changed slowly over a 6 month period to an absolute shit. He then gaslighted me for the next few years. I knew in that first 6 months he was up to something because my instincts told me so. If I'd had the power of Mumsnet behind me then, believe me, it would not have taken 3 years to get away. He might be innocent, he might not but the support here is incredible.

[Cherubim]

I personally think you're being a bit over the top, tbh.

And, fwiw, I delete all my history off my phone & my tablet as soon as I can. It's messy.

[BurlingtonBertieFromBow]

I am quite a suspicious person but I don't think you have found anything that proves anything

I would just be aware of how much he is on his phone and maybe try and get another look at it (secretly) if you can

[twentyeightagain]

Thanks for all your help - it does help - when someone you love changes habits, themselves, it's hard not to wonder what's going on. I can't really snoop as he's always here when his laptops here - I will try but I don't think he'd have anything on there. Feel sapped of energy and will talk to him in morning.

[fiventhree]

28, he will tell you nothing, and it will just alert him to your suspicion and make him more careful.

My h was cheating (at least online) for near 6 years before I found out, after not cheating for may 14 years.

I would fine all sorts of odd bits of stuff, such as facebook accounts mysteriously closed down afetr I added him and new myspace accounts opened and denied, plus new email accounts which 'i'm sure i mentioned', plus the odd photo of a woman, different each time, 'downloaded by music from torrent sites'.

What I learned is that I should have pursue my suspicions more rigorously to start with, and snooped very quietly but alot more professionally.

THe main thing I learned is that:

• there is no 'sort' who cheats
  

-they always deny until you can prove

• no normal rational woman has that uneasy instinct without good reason.
  

That last thing- the self judgement about turning into a snoop or as bad as him, about being a nice person, about possibly ruining a good relationship with a hard working innocent man.

We have all been there. My h admitted to me finally that he relied on that attitude from me.

If you think something is wrong, it probably is. Being away from home and very stressed and workaholicish (like my h) are VERY bad signs, and fertile ground.

You have also added in alot of the classic- careful with phone, deleting stuff, a bit family disengaged,having a new account not mentioned etc etc.

I would put money on it, from the outside, that this is not good news.

[Looksgoodingravy]

Dp denied everything last year when I became suspicious of just one snippet of information I'd seen on fb but instinct was keeping my hackles raised, dp didn't use the 'you're paranoid' line, he just denied what I had confronted him with, I then apologised to dp! How things changed four months later!

Dp had fb Messenger installed, an app called Viber on his iPhone which enables you to contact another Viber user f.o.c and nothing appears on the phone bill, he saved women's phone numbers under men's names, he was distant, he lacked enthusiasm for future events, he was out a lot and there was something in me screaming that something wasn't right and it's awful, I wouldn't wish it in my worst enemy (well maybe one or two).

I hope you can get to the bottom of your dh behaviour, it's not easy living with this feeling.

[twentyeightagain]

Right, update. Either he is very good at lying hiding things or he's stressed and knackered! I did peak & felt really sick doing it! I suppose
I've never honestly felt the need to. anyway, found nothing but couldn't get into work emails but he has scrolled try rough these whilst
I am sat beside him & if he looked shifty I would have noticed. He came home unshaven and looking tired (55 hours this week 5 days), said he hates job and has put in for transfer so, I'm guessing if there was anything, he would stay where he is?? I could go on and drive myself nuts by thinking all sorts that may have gone on but tbh am just too tired! I appreciate all the posts and am pretty stunned how often this happens not just on here but through the people we know. Thanx for all replies

[twentyeightagain]

Ah 5n3 -sorry forgot to answer certain bits. Am embarrassed but asked him if he could set deletion timing on his phone and I mumbled something about taking so long to delete calls/texts and he has set phone auto to do this. I did get into MSN acc. nothing personal on there and one file downloaded - def work!! Felt a bit of an idiot at this point and pretty guilty for checking. he was speaking to old colleague ink street today saying it was really cut throat and he was knackered and felt like he really had to up his game as office was so different (he said he wasn't exactly suit and tie ing it but loads of them did and he said when he got there he still felt like a surfer dude). I will trust him in future and if there was something - I'm sure something would come out eventually. He did say I have no reason to ever doubt him and that he loves exactly what we have and me!!!

[BurlingtonBertieFromBow]

Don't feel bad for snooping - you had to set your mind at rest. FWIW I think if something was going on you would have discovered it doing that. Hope all goes well

[Kabooooom]

Just wanted to clarify, but I am a female but yet even I delete emails, call history, texts etc. Not at every use though, but at least once a week. And I have a password on my phone. I am 100% NOT guilty of cheating/flirting/whatever. And in actual fact, everyone including my family members know the password on my phone. I have nothing to hide. It is purely there to stop me accidentally ringing people. So anyone could check my phone at any given time, so the fact I delete things after a few days, once they start to accumulate and I can't be bothered sorting through them (I mean really, why do you NEED to keep hundreds of text messages/calls/emails stored that don't include anything worthwhile but just has the odd junk/Hey how's you etc message?), does not mean I (or your DH) is up to anything.

Give him the benefit of the doubt. You don't have anything really to suggest he is having an affair. If he was up to something, he wouldn't let you use his phone to begin with.

[lizsarah]

hi, i go away often on business meetings with 19 men and i am the only female.i would never have an affair nor am i aware of any other men having affairs.the only thing i see is men looking well grooming for a drink after work in the lap dancing club is a common place. they are full of men away with work. its just a bit of fun a girl coming over chatting and may be a private dance.its harmless fun.girls never come closer than an arms length so there is nothing to worry about.so may be its just inocent fun. i wouldnt worry lots of me work away to work hard for their family and to pay mortgage.please dont feel so inscure trust him .

[thebeesnees79]

he sounds genuine hunnie. just over worked and tired, stop stressing and enjoy your life xx

[lizsarah]

i agree he sounds genuine if i was in your shoes i would think he is inoncent. i i dont think there is anything to worry about he sounds like a guy who wouldnt have an affair. trust him.x