Feeling increasingly irritated with elderly mother who lives with us

[Avalon85]

I don't know if you can help me but I currently feel dreadful and must be a vile person. For the past 11 years, my 91 year old mother has been living with us (me, husband and teenage daughter). We brought her here when my dad died in 2000. She was active enough and drove her car, was quite 'young' for her age but pretty irritating as only an elderly lady could be. But she was newly bereaved so we went out of our way to make her welcome, took in her incontinent cat too (we had pets of our own) and made sure she had her own living room aside from ours. It went well enough to start with but, over the years she has become awkward, cranky, opinionated and negative about everything. She's in bad health and has regular district nurse visits to do her dressings (her legs are ulcerated). She does so many of the things people in the thread above have said, like the constant inane chit chat, the interfering and question asking that it drives me scatty. She has given up driving as she is disabled and cannot walk easily.

My elderly inlaws are brilliant, taking her out once or twice a weeks for tea or shopping. They have lots of time spare and are only 10 years younger so lots in common. But I feel like my life is not my own. My friends get monopolized by her so i dont ask them over any more, and she wants to be included in absolutely everything whereas I sometimes just want a normal life and would like to come home from work, kick off my shoes (anywhere I want) and turn up loud music if I feel like it. I would like to have a conversation with my husband without her being involved in it. I'd like to spontaneously go out to dinner with him or with him and my daughter, without feeling guilty and having to take her too. I'd also like to sit in my own living room without her leaving her own and wanting to come in and talk over the tv programme. I don't want to have a running commentary about who's I'll, who's died or how wet her dressings are (at the table!).

It's hard for my 16 year old daughter who gets as frustrated. Her life and her comings and goings are constantly scrutinised. She was very caring but over protective when I was a child and silly and irritating towards me as a teenager. I couldn't wait to leave home and escape. Any one arrives at the door for me and she's in the back ground ("who is it. Are you there. Etc). Constant reminders. ("don't forget it's black bin day tomorrow" "have you got your new car tax yet") and, the other week, when there was a mini heatwave and I was sat in the garden after work (tap tap tap on the window "come in, you'll catch your death".

My husband and I run a business. We are very young for our age, neither looking, dressing or acting like we're in our early 50s but this is making me feel prematurely aged. I could scream, I'm so frustrated. Of course I love her, but I really don't think I like her and I don't want to feel like I'm stuck in a time warp and life revolves around dissecting coronation street or talking about hospital visits. I have tried everything to get her to go to social groups for her age group where they will collect her and bring her back but she point blank refuses to go. I have tried to do everything I can think of to get her to interact with peope of her own age but she turns her nose up at it. I am under a lot of stress at work and my relationship is affected by my feelings of frustration as no one else seems to appreciate how I really feel. Hubby can hide away at work, or go on business trips but I'm the principle carer and have a daughter to run about to her social events too.

I can never get away from it. I find conseqently, for a break, I spend half my evening in my bedroom tv watching to get away from the comments and irritation. Hubby says she's annoying and daft - sometimes he gets pretty cheesed off, but seems to be able to switch off. I'm too young to spend my life like this. Her nurses come here and seem to be under the impression we live with her solely to help her, not she lives with us. She acts up with them, putting on a sweet little old lady persona and them turns into a grumpy old battleaxe when they are not here.Teenage daughter likes her long term boyfriend to stay over sometimes and she acts like I'm a child abuser allowing it. I could go on forever but what's the point. I feel quite hopeless like no one knows or cares how I feel. Its not my hormones, by the way, - everything has been checked. It's not anyone else at all that irritates me. I actually have massive reserves of pateince. Its just her.

A previous thread I posted this on (Decided to start this one ass that thread was last active in 2010) had a poster on it who said that her mother offers to unload the dishwasher, she's says 'no, im still cooking' and then leaves the room for something only to come back and find her mother unloading the dishwasher all over the place regardless. Its just like that for me! Only, that poster's mother only stays for a few days at a time. and still drives her crackers. Mine's been here for 11 years! Anyone who has a visiting elderly relative who gets into everything and make them feel like climbing the walls, may like to ponder what it feels like if they are there all the time. 24/7.

Yesterday, as an example, she decided to unload her washing and put her drying in the tumble drier while I was at work. But mine was already in there, half dried, ready for someone to push the button to start a new cycle. Instread of pushing the button again while her own washing was doing, she simply took my laundry out and dumped it all, damp, on the wooden floor next to the machines and put her own in. When I mentioned it (Just got home after a long and difficult day at work, tired after battling through the shops to find something for tea for us all) she got aggressive and said "Oh, one day I'll do something right for you!" She has done this before; I've mentioned it before, and thought she had understood it wasn't quite the right thing to do! Would have been nice to hear her say "oops, sorry, not 'I cant do anything right! in an agressive manner"

Just want to know if anyone empathizes or do you all think I'm the devils spawn for speaking out? This is seriously getting to me and making me feel miserable - guilty for feeling irritated at my own mother but conscious that this is not a natural situation and its not good for me to feel like this either. Thank you for listening.

[aussiegonewrong]

Hi
Just read this , I really feel for you , we have MIL living with us in Australia, she is 84 just came over from UK last year so it is still fairly new , I have one son 15 also , we are still working things out but I have been fairly strong on boundaries and so far it is really making things easier. She can be fairly negatiive and I really get sick of hearing the same old stories over and over again . I have learnt a few phrases to reply and I have learnt that I can cope alot better if I just let most of it wash over me . It doesnt work all of the time depending on how I am feeling (going through meno currently!)
She has her own living room too and only comes into ours if I ask her too which I do sometimes if DH is out and I am watching something I know she would like, we discussed all this beforehand and both of us said our privacy is important . I do also feel guilty about not taking her everywhere but I rationalise this by knowing that is she was still on her own she wouldnt be going anywhwere at all. The kitchen thing can be a nightmare but she keeps out of the way in the mornings and I do all the cooking in the evening and she either joins us or takes a tray to her room. She doesnt go out or see anyone else and we live in the city so there is alot she could go to , I tell her and she just says when I am ready ! I don,t beleive she ever will be .

It can be frustrating sometimes and my DH is fairly useless as he is so busy at work that he barely manages to talk to her. DS is typical teenager but he does love her and mostly ignores any nagging from her with earplugs in most of the time! She has visited us many times over the years so we are used to her being here three or four months but now she is too old to travel all that way. It is hard establishing ground rules especially after 11 years but you have to feel comfortable in your own home . We are stumbling along and i know we are doing a good thing for her and us too , if it all gets too much for me I go out for a long walk and that clears my head for a while, I also whinge to my girlfriends who tell me I am a saint!! which I am definatly not , I do have dark thoughts I can tell you

[topshelfrita]

Looking ahead, there will come a time when you will no longer to be able to meet your mother's needs, and even having district nurses coming to change her dressings will not be enough, either. She will probably need regular outside carers coming in, or to move into residential care.
Perhaps it's time to discuss all the options and to tell her how hard you are finding it already. Ask her if she thinks you should do all the caring, including personal care like bathing and helping her to the toilet as she gets older and more frail. She may not want that any more than you do and it may make her think about the future. NannyPlum has given you excellent advice above.
My mother had to go into a residential care home and then a nursing home as I could not possibly meet all her needs, but I still feel guilty about it. You will too, probably, but at least you will have a life with your husband and daughter -- and they are as important as your mother.

[Avalon85]

Morning everyone, just a quick post to say a massive thank you to you all so much for your support. It has really touched me that anyone actually gives a damn and, in particular, that so many empathise or are going through the same thing. I'm trying hard not to be negative and will try to let the comments wash over me and say 'mmm, yes, that's right' when she says something ridiculous, rather than react. (it's not really my style but I will try!). I will speak to my gp and check out other help we could all get via Age Uk but, I will also speak to my parents in law and see if they can help to persuade her to at least try a couple of social groups as mixing with others of her own age will help her (and me, hopefully). Had a chat with husband last night and he was very supportive but, in truth, he doesn't have the same buttons pushed. (he won't care if she's noisily unloading the dishwasher and clanging pans around in the kitchen, muttering about how the cutlery draw isn't tidy enough, when Ive told her to please NOT do it and leave it for me. It doesn't directly affect him.)

I also think I will try a chat with her about negativity, us 'clearly irritating each other' and how if she had more things going on and to look forward to, she may happier and this would happen less. It's worth a go. Husband last night told me that he hates the way she sometimes talks to me, rude condescending and like I'm a servant at times, which was a breakthrough as I didn't realise he'd actually noticed (example: "get me a paper when you're out, won't you!" in a dismissive, rather lofty manner, like its a done deal. Rather than something like "do you think you could possibly get me a paper when you are out please." which is how I speak to people, including my own staff!)

It's possibly a personality thing too, come to think of it, but as a woman who co-runs a reasonable size manufacturing business it bloody grates when mum asks me to, say, post a letter so I duly take it. Then I get called back from leaving the house (in a hurry, as usual) with "you won't forget to post my letter will you." so I say "no, I've got it" "well don't forget it, will you." "no mum (grr)" then as soon as I'm in the door in the evening " you did post my letter, didn't you," swiftly followed by "are you sure." jeez!

Anyway, just wanted to say I really value all your input and I'm touched you bothered. It's good to know I'm not the only one because sometimes I feel I've regressed into a stroppy teenager, infinitely less tolerant than my lovely daughter and could bloody well run away sometimes! x

[themoominmama]

I felt like crying when I read your posting. It resonated with me so much. I am in a similar position although I think you have a lot more to contend with than me. My 92 year old father has lived with us (myself and husband, both in our mid-fifties) since my Mum died two years ago. He is fairly mobile and has his own social life.
At first when he came to live with us things went well. I suppose you could call it a honeymoon period. Very quickly Dad became dependent on me to entertain him and wanted to go everywhere with me. I couldn't even escape to the supermarket without him wanting to come.
Gradually I started to tell him that I was going out and just didn't invite him along. Previously I hadn't been able to see friends without him being there. Unfortunately a 92 year old man has very little in common with a group of middle -aged women. In fact my husband and I don't have anything in common with Dad and it makes conversations very difficult. He has always been quite a quiet man and I struggle to initiate and maintain conversations with him. Most of our interactions are based on inane chit chat and superficial nonsense that you might have in a supermarket queue.
He can be very stubborn and quietly critical. He frequently forgets or misunderstands things and will never accept that he gets things wrong. He is a very proud man but unfortunately that gets in the way of common sense a lot of the time.
He likes a drink and this has caused us major problems at times with Dad falling over and having to be carried into the house and up to bed. I know some people may find this humorous but it is depressing and frustrating and awful to see your father in such a state. Happily he seems to have toned things down since the last incident so we can only hope he has learnt from it.
Like you we don't invite friends over as Dad will put a dampener on the conversation. He doesn't hear well despite us getting him a hearing aid and that makes things difficult. My children both live away from home but when they visit I feel uncomfortable that they have to deal with Dad. The atmosphere in the house has changed and we are not the relaxed family we used to be.
I am consumed by resentment and guilt. I alternate between feeling like the most awful person on the planet and then furious with rage at my Dad. I can't really explain what it is like but the constant drip drip of things going wrong, getting lost, broken etc is driving me mad. He often treats me like a child which infuriates me.
I have Multiple Sclerosis and my health is variable and has been worse since Dad came to stay. I have always needed to rest but now spend a disproportionate amount of time in my bedroom to escape from Dad. I feel he is around all the time even though in reality that isn't true. Even when I get up to go to the loo during the night his light always seems to be on so I don't know if he will get up and try and come into the toilet when I am in there. There is a total lack of spontaneity in our lives and this is not how I imagined this part of my life.
My Dad is a nice man and well liked by people so it makes me feel even worse to complain about him. As we lived 400 miles away from each other I didn't see my parents very often and I now feel we made a mistake asking Dad to move in with us. People have suggested that he move into his own accommodation but in this area it is very expensive and that would make me feel even more guilty and I would hate him to feel rejected. I feel trapped and very frustrated.
My husband is supportive but works full time and then spends as much time as possible doing things in the garden etc all of which means he doesn't have to interact with Dad. He has no interest in sport so there is no common ground for him and Dad to chat about.
We do go out on our own as much as possible but dread coming back home again. Our house no longer feels like our home. Its as if Dad has taken over. he has Sky + in his bedroom so happily spends most of his evening watching sport upstairs but we still feel that he is around.

I am so glad you posted your message. I always wondered if there were other people out there feeling the same kind of things as us and going through the torment of guilt and feeling like a monster. I would not wish this on anyone and as a result of our experience I would never live with my children although we have lots in common and a very close relationship. I would advise anyone thinking about doing it to think very carefully and consider how they would feel having an aged parent living with them 24/7. It is very draining and demanding and I would love to be a much better person and feel less guilty. I am trying my best but I never feel it is good enough.
If you would like to talk privately about this I can give you my e-mail address but will understand if you just needed a platform to sound off about your awful situation. My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find a way of reclaiming parts of your life and not feeling guilty about it.
You are doing your best under very difficult circumstances and no-one but you will ever know just how difficult it is. Its easy for people to be judgemental but I think most people would not want to be in our situation.
I wish you more happiness than you have at the moment and hope you can find a way forward with your daily struggle. I truly understand how you feel.
Best wishes
K.

[Botticelli]

I also read your post and wept.
You are not alone, and you are certainly not wicked - quite the opposite.
My mother came to live with us when she was 76, and I was 44, with 3 children under 12.
I felt as if my life had ended, as if everything was closing down, and I was trapped.
She was developing dementia, so not quite your situation, but everything else, and the atmosphere that moomin describes so eloquently above, was true for me also.
I do think that we all massivly underestimate the seething mass of emotions that can surface as we age, and deal with aging parents, the reversal of caring roles; the way old "stuff" keeps coming out,the total exhaustion,physical and emotional.
Little did I know when I was younger that your emotional life can be even more powerful as you age, and deal with shifting relationships in your family.

The things that helped me - well, moaning to my husband was very good for me,although very childish.

The other thing, I suppose, was those moments of tragic, total overwhelming compassion, when I saw mum clearly as a sad, lonely old woman, nearing the end of her life; and at the same time, eeriely superimposed, was the memory of her as my loving, lively, kind ,younger mother of my childhood, telling stories, being busy, Also a woman who had had a very hard life, and been through a lot, who deserved her turn at being cared for. Duty, too, I suppose.
Those insights could keep me going a bit longer,although the emotion can utterly wear you out.
I agree that a visit to your GP would be good, even it just puts you on their radar of a carer reaching breaking point.
I really, really, admire you.
It is a very hard and under-estimated thing you are doing.

My mother has been dead for 9 years now, and I am in my 50's, and as time passes,of course my memories are mellowing, and with hindsight it's easy for me to say that I'm glad she had those years with us.
But my heart goes out to you.
Its one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
x

[kerstina]

What a lovely insightful,heartfelt post Botticelli it made me cry !
I sometimes think that it is natures way of making us prepare for the loss of our beloved parents. Making them grumpy, forgetful ,irritating so that we will not miss them so much!
When my nan died in her 90's I have to admit I was not overly upset as I felt we had gradually lost her over many years as she had dementia. It did not mean that I did not love her just that it seemed a natural process in letting go.

[fluffypillow]

Oh goodness Avalon, I see my future in your post. I'm 38 and my family and I live with my Mum (67). She is very old for her age, and she drives me insane already. Same kind of things, endless questions, irritating conversations ect......

I totally understand your situation, I feel very guilty too if we don't involve my Mum in everything, but when we do, I resent her presence(god, that sounds awful, I know).

I have three children, and I'm a SAHM. My Mum retired last year, so we are together 24/7......................I think I may actually go crazy sometimes.

Sorry for spouting on about me, I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are saying. Like me, I can see you love your Mum, but it's not always easy to be patient with someone who seems to be constantly 'there', and you can't get away! (although I'd love to run away at times!)

[MerryMarigold]

Let's face it, I couldn't spend that much time with my dh, let alone my Mum! I think the massive irritation is very normal...doesn't mean you don't love someone, or that you are a bad person.

[efirefly]

I don't know if you are still having a problem, but what I would advise is a door between her area and yours that locks on your side at least (she needs to knock or phone or have regular hours when you open it - and that is not every day). This would give her separate quarters from you and your family. Give her a small refrigerator for drinks, a coffee maker, etc. If you can have an outside door for her caregivers to come into, that would be even better so that she is, in essence, living independently vs. with you. If you can afford a small washer/ dryer for her area - it would be worth it to minimize the time that she spends in your area. My MIL thinks that she would LOVE to move in with us. However, instead, I found her an apartment at an independent living facility nearby. My husband can barely stand to spend about 40 minutes a week with her while I spend that plus lunch, doctor's visits, etc. I also handle all her medications while he handles her finances. I know that she would love to be right in the middle of our family asking every question under the sun, going on vacation with us, wanting to know every detail of our lives, and I simply can't allow that to happen because it would make me really dislike her. She's a wonderful person. I don't want that to happen. So my advice is to make as much true physical separation as you can in your home. If she objects to that, tell her that you will help her find somewhere else to live where she might be more happy (and you certainly will be). Absolutely don't feel bad about doing whatever you have to do to live a happy life. You are not vile, mean, or hateful. You are normal.Good luck!

[waterfall1962]

I do not have my 81 year old mother living with me, I really don't think I could cope. I think you're so good to look after her the way you do.
I have had similar occasions with my mother that have driven me to distraction. I do love her but she won't take on board that she is old and talks down to me as if I am still a child, telling me what to do. Invariably we will argue and then I will go home and feel very guilty. My 21 yr old daughter has a little boy of 8 mths and we made an effort to take my mother out for a meal with us. I say effort because she is so critical. Not only does she critisize babies dummy but she goes on to tell my daughter to pick up the food dropped from his highchair. We asked her to leave it a few times and then she kept staring under the table at the crumbs and finally bent down with a very bad back to pick up about five times. She made us both feel very uncomfortable and annoyed. She did not hold back on her comments. She always has to have the last say and talks down to me and makes me very uncomfortable. She never apologises either. It's got so bad I don't want to visit as much because I know there will be some criticism or argument and on the way I get quite anxious.

You seem very trapped and like some of the others I hope you manage to have more of a life of your own. Maybe a schedule for the times she uses your living room might work although difficult i know.
I too stay up in my room alone watching tv but not for the same reason.
My husband and I are a bit like strangers. I know how isolated and lonely it can make you feel. I hope you manage to sort things out.

[CockacidalManiac]

waterfall1962

Why have you dug up a four year old thread for that?!

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

Does she still have her own living room OP?

If she does then she shouldn't be 'joining in' with everything you do.
You should be able to have your own privacy in the evenings/family time//friends come round.

She's going to feel put out no matter what you say, so no point being timid
I think you're going to have to learn being assertive and firm with her, not easy given the way things are.

Decide what boundaries/rules would make things better for you and also encourage her to have her own life.
Think of it like a houseshare/flatmate situation where one person has their own living room too.

You can't keep going on like this at the expense of your sanity/mental health and marriage.
.
My nan is ancient God love her, she's a great-great-great grandma!
They had to guess her birthdate as there's no official record
Despite her wandering memory she remains brighter than a pearl button, it's funny seeing your retired uncles being bossed about in their own homes

If it doesn't get better then you may well have to bite the bullet and think about Warden controlled accomodation etc

[CockacidalManiac]

It's a zombie thread

[dibs1973]

Ditto but with a father! Never quite feel that anything i do is good enough x

[GloriousSlug]

I know its a zombie thread but it's really resonated with me. My mother lives with us (not elderly, she's 58 but not very active and very dependent on me emotionally and financially) and it is such. a. challenge. Tempted to start a new thread about this, it helps to hear from others who are living it.

[GeekyWombat]

Slug Set up a new thread. I think there are a lot of us in this situation or contemplating it. Reading this thread (I didn't realise it was a zombie thread) makes me fear for our future with my parents (who for various reasons might be moving in shortly).

[AlcyoneSong]

This struck home with me because I’m facing a similar issue.

[Seaweed42]

Start a new thread AlcyoneSong if you want help or advice.

[Sleeplikeasloth]

It's a zombie thread.

The Ops mum became seriously ill, moved into a home for a few months and sadly died in January 2014.