Feeling increasingly irritated with elderly mother who lives with us

[Avalon85]

I don't know if you can help me but I currently feel dreadful and must be a vile person. For the past 11 years, my 91 year old mother has been living with us (me, husband and teenage daughter). We brought her here when my dad died in 2000. She was active enough and drove her car, was quite 'young' for her age but pretty irritating as only an elderly lady could be. But she was newly bereaved so we went out of our way to make her welcome, took in her incontinent cat too (we had pets of our own) and made sure she had her own living room aside from ours. It went well enough to start with but, over the years she has become awkward, cranky, opinionated and negative about everything. She's in bad health and has regular district nurse visits to do her dressings (her legs are ulcerated). She does so many of the things people in the thread above have said, like the constant inane chit chat, the interfering and question asking that it drives me scatty. She has given up driving as she is disabled and cannot walk easily.

My elderly inlaws are brilliant, taking her out once or twice a weeks for tea or shopping. They have lots of time spare and are only 10 years younger so lots in common. But I feel like my life is not my own. My friends get monopolized by her so i dont ask them over any more, and she wants to be included in absolutely everything whereas I sometimes just want a normal life and would like to come home from work, kick off my shoes (anywhere I want) and turn up loud music if I feel like it. I would like to have a conversation with my husband without her being involved in it. I'd like to spontaneously go out to dinner with him or with him and my daughter, without feeling guilty and having to take her too. I'd also like to sit in my own living room without her leaving her own and wanting to come in and talk over the tv programme. I don't want to have a running commentary about who's I'll, who's died or how wet her dressings are (at the table!).

It's hard for my 16 year old daughter who gets as frustrated. Her life and her comings and goings are constantly scrutinised. She was very caring but over protective when I was a child and silly and irritating towards me as a teenager. I couldn't wait to leave home and escape. Any one arrives at the door for me and she's in the back ground ("who is it. Are you there. Etc). Constant reminders. ("don't forget it's black bin day tomorrow" "have you got your new car tax yet") and, the other week, when there was a mini heatwave and I was sat in the garden after work (tap tap tap on the window "come in, you'll catch your death".

My husband and I run a business. We are very young for our age, neither looking, dressing or acting like we're in our early 50s but this is making me feel prematurely aged. I could scream, I'm so frustrated. Of course I love her, but I really don't think I like her and I don't want to feel like I'm stuck in a time warp and life revolves around dissecting coronation street or talking about hospital visits. I have tried everything to get her to go to social groups for her age group where they will collect her and bring her back but she point blank refuses to go. I have tried to do everything I can think of to get her to interact with peope of her own age but she turns her nose up at it. I am under a lot of stress at work and my relationship is affected by my feelings of frustration as no one else seems to appreciate how I really feel. Hubby can hide away at work, or go on business trips but I'm the principle carer and have a daughter to run about to her social events too.

I can never get away from it. I find conseqently, for a break, I spend half my evening in my bedroom tv watching to get away from the comments and irritation. Hubby says she's annoying and daft - sometimes he gets pretty cheesed off, but seems to be able to switch off. I'm too young to spend my life like this. Her nurses come here and seem to be under the impression we live with her solely to help her, not she lives with us. She acts up with them, putting on a sweet little old lady persona and them turns into a grumpy old battleaxe when they are not here.Teenage daughter likes her long term boyfriend to stay over sometimes and she acts like I'm a child abuser allowing it. I could go on forever but what's the point. I feel quite hopeless like no one knows or cares how I feel. Its not my hormones, by the way, - everything has been checked. It's not anyone else at all that irritates me. I actually have massive reserves of pateince. Its just her.

A previous thread I posted this on (Decided to start this one ass that thread was last active in 2010) had a poster on it who said that her mother offers to unload the dishwasher, she's says 'no, im still cooking' and then leaves the room for something only to come back and find her mother unloading the dishwasher all over the place regardless. Its just like that for me! Only, that poster's mother only stays for a few days at a time. and still drives her crackers. Mine's been here for 11 years! Anyone who has a visiting elderly relative who gets into everything and make them feel like climbing the walls, may like to ponder what it feels like if they are there all the time. 24/7.

Yesterday, as an example, she decided to unload her washing and put her drying in the tumble drier while I was at work. But mine was already in there, half dried, ready for someone to push the button to start a new cycle. Instread of pushing the button again while her own washing was doing, she simply took my laundry out and dumped it all, damp, on the wooden floor next to the machines and put her own in. When I mentioned it (Just got home after a long and difficult day at work, tired after battling through the shops to find something for tea for us all) she got aggressive and said "Oh, one day I'll do something right for you!" She has done this before; I've mentioned it before, and thought she had understood it wasn't quite the right thing to do! Would have been nice to hear her say "oops, sorry, not 'I cant do anything right! in an agressive manner"

Just want to know if anyone empathizes or do you all think I'm the devils spawn for speaking out? This is seriously getting to me and making me feel miserable - guilty for feeling irritated at my own mother but conscious that this is not a natural situation and its not good for me to feel like this either. Thank you for listening.

[mungojenny]

I think you are absolutely amazing to have your mother live with you and it does sound like a really difficult situation which as other posters have said is exhausting and stressful.
My mum didn't live with me (she died earlier this year) but as she got older (and frailer) she became more dependent on me which I sometimes found difficult with a lot of guilt. I felt that I had reached what I thought was a time in my life (early 50's) when I should be a bit more carefree in terms of family commitments and yet I had more responsibilities.
As other posters have said you need to take care and make space for you as an individual, wife and mum rather than as a daughter and carer.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, your mum is her own worst enemy. She must be so bored! I really think you need to talk to her about going out once in a while. The problem is, of course, that if she knew someone else who was going somewhere, then she'd probably go, but if she doesn't go she won't know anyone.

Lisaro, the point wasn't whether the OP was right in letting her daughter's boyfriend stay the night, it was that she is trying to parent her child but her mother keeps interfering.

Hatti's speech was great. Everyone knows that multi-generational living can cause stress and the OP's mum surely must know that too. She would have known women who had their parents or in laws living with them who didn't enjoy it.

I think TripleRock had it too, when she said about her mum acting like a teenager. I find it so easy to go back to acting like a teenager when I'm with my mum in particular and I can see how the OP is retreating to her room in the same way a teenager would.

I think there's nothing for it but to tackle it head on, OP.

[skirt]

Plus what about a carer support scheme/sitting service where a volunteer comes to your house and just sits with her listening to her drivel Corrie conversations? You could couch it along the lines of her doing the volunteer a favour as she is lonely. I used to work for a scheme like that and your situation was quite common.

You do sound like a saint - my mum is in the same place as you with her mum/my grandma and she has recently decided that she will have no more of the silliness. She now tells her mum that she is doing a, b and c and though she says she feels guilty, at leasts she's guilty but doing things she likes doing rather than guilty sitting at home.

[Mumsyblouse]

Several posters have suggested her getting out more, but realistically, at 91, leg ulcers, and just the general decline that comes with old age, it's not likely she'll be joining any new groups any time soon. It's nice to think this will happen, but change isn't likely.

That's why you have to insulate yourself and contain her (physically in her own area of the house) for some of the time.

I think you need to have a chat with her, as others have said, tell her that it's putting a strain on your marriage and you need a bit of time and space. She will be very hurt, but equally it might make her think about how much she constantly asks of you.

If you don't feel up to that, I think you need to take the lead more and be more assertive. Does she have all the carers in to which she is entitled? Many older people 'prefer' their relatives to do the care, but it is exhausting for the relatives, so you have to be a bit bulldozerish about it and just get her extra care. Similarly, you just have to arrange a night out with your husband/daughter/friends and inform her of and go out, whether she sighs heavily or not.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time in other ways, you really can end up squeezed in every direction some times. I'm sure having other stress probably makes you feel more irritable with her, although she sounds like she could irritate anyone.

The practical tip to get a dog (if you wanted one) is a great idea, also put the radio/TV on if her moaning is getting too loud. Don't ask her, just do it, it's your house (and she has her own sitting room if she doesnt' like it).

[ImperialBlether]

I think getting a dog is a great idea.

[igggi]

Loonybun did you have a thread about your situation? Sounds familar to me. I think you've done the right thing - 63 is really so young and she could have a whole new chapter in her life - rather than existing around yours.

[greygirl]

i think one of the things that would get me, is the lack of privacy in my own home. You can go out for dinner as much as you like, but it's just as nice to be able to watch your favourite tv programme without anyone else inturrupting.
I think a lot of this advice is very good OP, good luck because it is hard, but you don't want to hate your mum, or for you to be hoping she will die soon so you can get some peace.

[snozzlemaid]

Would she go to respite care for maybe a week occasionally? Could you chat to her about how you need a break from your role of carer.
If it's a possibility speak to social services who should help. You could visit a few places to see what they're like.
I work in a respite centre for adults with a physical disability and a week's break for carers does them the world of good. We can actually see the difference in them when they come to collect them after having a week away from caring. I honestly believe that the service we provide allows people who care for family members to continue to do so.

[ImperialBlether]

I agree with you, greygirl. I'm not very good at having other people here constantly - I like to know when they're going! I love having people around but in my own home I want to say who those people are.

It's the guilt, too. It's hard to enjoy watching a film with your child and husband if you know your mum is simmering away in another room. If she was in another town or house then that would be different but when she's in the same house, it's very difficult to enjoy yourself.

[Miggsie]

My dad stayed over Easter and I ended up feeling this way, I nearly went bonkers. No matter where I turned, there he was, I nearly fell over him twice and how many times can we have the following conversation "is that Classic FM you're listening to?" "No, dad, it's radio 3". "ooh, Radio three is it?" Every bloody day!!!!
He is getting infirm and DH says the only way we could have him "live" with us is if we bought him the house next door.

I feel so shitty about being unable to deal with him but DH confirmed that dad really is very very difficult. He is so passive and just stands around or sits around, has no social life.

Anyway just to say you are not horrible and it is a very emotionally charged situation, as your mum still seems to think you are 12 and you are a grown woman.

I agree with the posters who say you have to assert an independent family life, your mum has created a world in which she has given up on a social life and having friends and you just can't be her entire emotional world. It isn't at all healthy for either of you.

[twentyten]

You are a saint OP.Mum (86) lives in a bungalow up the road and is stretching my patience as I try and juggle everything-I could not do what you are doing. One life-yours.
My mum seems to respond to me being unavailable because of business /work reasons-could you use this as a catalyst?Say that you need to do X and Y because of work?
Also look at sitters-Crossroads offer a service in some areas.Age uk can help-but you must look after yourself.You are a business asset You would ensure that you invested in/maintained your business assets?
If you were advising a friend in your position,what would you say?
I am contemplating speaking to a counsellor as I know that this situation can only deteriorate over time(as yours will) and I want to try and make sense of this now.It's about changing patterns now.My daughter is 14-I am conscious she will soon be off so these years are precious too. Good luck

[Loonybun]

Igggi - thanks. I feel the way too. I've not been on here that long really so no thread relating specifically to my mum but just reached a Point where enough was enough... I felt like my own chance as being "matriarch" was being taken away from me and that if I didn't act now that role in my own life would never be fulfilled. I still have a big sense of guilt. Like tomorrow I will be going round to see her after work even tho I would rather just come home (and spend the whole day with her walking round garden centres yesterday!) But its lovely being able to breathe in my own home. Decorate without her saying "ooo that's a bit dark isn't it" (even tho we all had our own rooms). Make noise without her asking what's going on even in a nosey way. And dh and I had sex on the sofa downstairs (!!) Something we'd never do before!!! I love my mum but I don't think adult mother daughters work well living together, its a minefield!

[hugglymugly]

Avalon, I really feel for you. I was never in that situation myself, but I felt exhausted just from reading your OP, and I can't imagine what it's like to be living that, day in and day out.

I'm in my 60s, so not quite the same generation as your mother. There is no way that I'd want my offspring to have to cope with me when I'm older if I end up like that. It's no way to live a life, for any of you.

I suggest you think about your mother in terms of needs and wants. She clearly needs company, daily care, some monitoring of her behaviour (the laundry incident is ringing faint alarm bells), and possibly an assessment of her mental status (depression?).

Probably what she wants, as well as others such as social services (because you doing all the work is cheaper), is that you cater to those needs, even though that's costing you a lot in terms of physical and emotional energy.

I know this is going to sound pretty brutal, but the situation isn't going to get better, and it's likely to all fall apart at some time when no-one is prepared for that. Your mother's needs will be much better catered for in an environment more suited to her medical conditions and her age. You say that a residential home is out of the question because of her reaction - but she will be seeing that as being "put in a home" or "sent away" as might have happened decades ago. But there are many residential homes that cater very well for the very elderly, some of whom actually become somewhat rejuvenated by being in a more appropriate environment.

You've done your bit (actually, more than your bit). I suggest you talk to Age Concern/Help the Aged who are now called Age UK www.ageuk.org.uk/ and see if they can advise as to how you proceed from here.

[igggi]

I must've read a story from someone else in a similar condition! It might be the making of her you never know . wonders why dh and I never have sex on sofa despite no DM in house

[bigTillyMint]

Avalon, I think you are a saint for taking her in for 11 years and not even considering a residential care home. And all you others too - I have no idea how you or anyone else could do it.

I too think you should consider it now though - you need to think of yourself and your DH (never mind your DD) - you could be in your 60's before you are able to have your own life back again. Plus it sounds like she will need someone around for increasing amounts of time and maybe more specialised care too.

I am an only too, and having my DM to stay for a few days is enough for us both to realise that it could never work longer term

[feedbackforfree]

Hi Avalon, You are not a vile person anymore than I am. I'm in a similar situation but my mother is only 76. It's just her and me and I have had the week from hell with her.

I also feel as if my life is not my own; my mother won't go out anywhere, has no friends and is as negative and as miserable as they come. My friends do not feel welcome and have stopped coming.

As an example, tonight, I've had a plumber here planning to fit her a shower upstairs. We were talking about the shower tray sizes 800mm etc. She's convinced herself that he said it was going to be £800 for the shower tray and nothing I can say will make her change her mind. Her retort to me was "huh, something esle I'm obviously wrong about". Er, yes you are!

Sorry to pinch your thread and I have no advice but just wanted to say I feel your pain!

[lagartija]

igggi you probably read my thread under a different name. My mother is 68 and has lived with us for the last 3 years due to failing health. We live abroad (she followed me here) which complicates things further as it makes her quite isolated.
Mostly we get on very well, but sometimes I dream of going and living in a flat without her. She whinges about living here sometimes and I wish she'd just go back to the UK, although then I'd probably miss her.
It's hard and it makes me sad to think by the time she dies (God, that sounds awful) I'll have lived most of my adult life with my mother. She left her family and moved to the UK, but when I did the same and moved away she followed me and then ended up dependent and ultimately living with us. Makes me feel a bit smothered. She's not like your mother in that she helps out, although then we get into the thing where I feel about 15 sometimes if my mum's washing my pants IYSWIM.
She worries a lot about my brother who lives in another country and isn't particularly settled, "oh he works so hard", and it winds me up, cos he rents a central flat in a city, goes out when he likes, always having weekends away, been travelling etc and here I am lucky to have a weekend away cos she can't really manage for more then a day or two on her own (can't get the shopping in, can't drive).
I really know how you feel, so complex and so many emotions bound up in it all.

[lagartija]

this was my other thread.

[igggi]

I am feeling very warmly toward my in-another-country, independent and happy mother at the moment! I can't imagine wanting to live with my own children when I'm older, especially while I still had reasonable health myself. (Something Golden Girls style would suit me better!).

[FashionEaster]

Don't know if your finances would stretch to this, but my aunt hired a companion for our grandmother, who lived in an annexe. She used to pop in midweek whilst my aunt was at work but also used to visit every other weekend and take my grandmother out for afternoon tea.

[FashionEaster]

Sorry, I know that isn't an answer to the problem, but I think it gave my aunt some respite at the weekend.

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

You are an utter saint. I could not have my Mother live with me under any circumstances!

Would your Mum go to a Day Centre a couple of days a week.

[MerryMarigold]

My Mum went through a similar thing with her Mum. It was hard as her Mum had always been such a lovely woman and they'd been close, but as she got older she got grumpy and ungrateful. Later, when she really started losing it, she was even rude. It is amazing what you're doing (and will save a fortune in costs of going into a home). It was one, long hard grieving process, but in the end I think it helped when the end actually came (she was 94).

My parents always went away for a couple of holidays a year, and also took it in turns to come and stay with me once a week to help me out with my kids, and to get a break from being around an old person. There is a company called Oxford Aunts who send people to stay with you and they used to book them to look after my Gran when they went away. My Mum always went to choir and was very involved in the church they went to, so she made sure they had some sort of 'life', but it was definitely wearing whilst it lasted.

You're doing a wonderful thing...no advice on how to deal with it really, sorry.

[gremlindolphin]

Avalon you sound like a saint!

I am an only child too and although we have close family and friends, there is no one else in the world who has the amount of responsibility I have for my Mum.

She is very disabled now and in a wheelchair and needs help doing everything. She is in a lovely nursing home 15 mins away from us and I see her almost every day. She spends at least one day a week with me here, comes to all my dcs school things, we go shopping, I see her for coffee, she sits in the car while I walk the dogs etc etc we try to involve her in family life as much as we can. The nursing home is great with very caring and friendly staff and also very active with entertainment and she has friends coming to see her as well.

But it is not enough for her! Almost every day she talks about how she would like to live with us, she can't believe we "won't have her", she feels unwanted and unloved she would have done anything for me or her mother, my cousin has her mother living with her etc etc. its is very wearing emotionally. She has no acceptance of how much help she needs.

I love her so much but I couldn't look after her, let alone maintain family life with my dh and dcs. I know you can have carers in but our house is manic enough at the best of times! The balance we have at the moment is I believe how we make the best of a bad situation, the time we do have together is for the good things and I can be happy she is being well cared for when she is not with me.

Despite all these practical reasons and knowing that, I still find it hard that she is unhappy and feel incredibly guilty that she is not here but also very cross that she is not able to understand why I couldn't have her at home.

Anyway, rant over, just wanted you to know that I sympathise with your problems!

x

[NannyPlumIsMyMum]

Hello , I'm sorry I have a big headache so can't read the whole thread - but in case it has not already been suggested , have you contacted Social Services for a social care assessment ? Your mum may be eligible for funding which could help you all get some respite whilst she has a respite break.
Ideally you should really be getting a break every 6 weeks to do all these things that you need to do for your own mental health.
Please ring adult social services for your region and ask for an assessment if you havnt already. Everybody is entitled to an assessment.
Have you also spoken to your own GP about your understandable strain as carer?
Please feel free to pm me for support . I have worked in this area so may be able to help with ideas .