Pregnant and want to break up with boyfriend but he refuses to leave :-( Help!

[Vintagelover]

Hello there.

I'm realy hoping someone can give me some advice.

I am 30 and my boyf is 28 . I have been with my boyf on and off for three years. We have both done bad things in the relationship. He is a compulsive liar, he lies all the time. For the first 2 years we were together he swore blue in the face he had a driving liscense and could drive ( until I found out for sure that he couldnt) he's lied about past relationships and jobs and other things but mainly he has lied about money. Big lies not little white ones, with each lie I found out I was left feeling insecure and untrusting. I broke up with him on a number of occasions and He promised to change and then again I would discover another recent massive lie. I know it doesnt sound that bad but it is and I just want to make this quick rather than go in depth about the lying which isnt the main reason for writing just the cause. My wrong doing is that I have cheated on him a couple of times. I told him about it. I can honistly say that if he hadnt of constantly broken my trust after being taken back again and again I wouldnt have done it but i know that does not make it ok.

I tried to break up with him over a year ago and he managed to barge his way into his house on the pretense he wanted to get his belonings. He then hit himself in the face with his phone causing a mark, he called the police and said it was me. I got arressted and spent hours in a police cell being treated like a criminal for something I didnt do.
The case was dropped when he went and told the police it wasnt me and that he was lying .. and all he got was a fine.

Stupidly I took him back after this I loved him and just kept thinking maybe he would change. We broke up a number of times and I took him back.

That is the basic background of the situation

We have been living together for about 8 months

In October I found out I was pregnant. Things were a bit rough. I told him I was pregnant. I also told him I had cheated on him ( though the baby is definatly his the dates were no way near each other I just wanted to be honest)

Like i said things were rough , so I told him but i didnt beg or plead for him to stay. He decided of his own free will that he wanted to tsay and be a couple and 'forgave me' for cheating. I was happy with this as I still wanted to make things work.

In novemeber i found out the he had being lying to me yet again and hadnt paid the rent properly, which is in my name for 6 months, leaving me in debt by around £800 and making me lie to my landlord without even realising i was doing so- he swore blind to me that he had and even when the landlord sent me his bank statemnt he still swore he had, even shouting at me and making me feel like i was the one in the wrong.. It took him over a week to admit he hadnt .. then he went to pay some in and lied again about how much it was... and it goes on and on...

Suffice to say ive had enough. My trust is gone, my security is gone. This person who is meant to love me lies to me and hurts me and shouts and screams in my face and throws things over and punches things and is violent and abusive (though never hits me) and I dont deserve it. Yes I cheated and I know that was wrong but if he feels like that he should have left me, he should leave me and he wont, even though I dont want him here.
I told him im sorry , i told him i dont love him the same and that i dont feel secure with him but he wont listen. He doesnt understand how his lying has affected me even though we have discussed it over and over again, I dont think he will ever change and he has had to many chances.

I asked him to leave in November, I also tried to break up with him and he just wont let me. ( I am scared he will do something like call the police again for something i havnt done) He keeps threatening that he will have my baby taken away.. ( not that he could I am a good person, dont smoke, drink or do drugs or anything else that would give reason for a baby to be taken away (where as he smoke and smokes weed) - its just horrible and worrying hearing him say it)

Each time i said i wanted to break up he shouts right up in my face, calls me all number of names, pushes things, hits things, he always brings up me cheating trying to turn the things around, but when i say well you should leave me then, he wont. He pushed the christmas tree over at xmas and stomped on the metal box of quality streets, destroying the lid, he also always steals my phone and computer off me while im using it and wont give it back ... these are just of an example of the way he acts when i say i want to split up and for him to move out...

So anyway it was novemember i asked him to go and he is still here. Eventually he 'agreed' to move out . It was meant to be on March 16th but he said he didnt have enough money so then it was changed to April 16th which is in a few weeks.. he is now saying that hes not going to be able to go then as he hasnt got enough money - but he went on a stag do the other night, spend about £300 on clothes and bought a number of take aways..

I keep saying he needs to go on the 16th ( im almost 7 months pregnant now i just want to be left alone and get my house sorted and stop having this person around who talks to me like shit and shouts at me, but also expects that i still make him dinner, look after him and let him use my phone whenever he wants becuase he didnt pay the bill on his ) He says that i am heartless bitch and will make him homeless. Even with the things he has to pay out he will still have about £1000 -£1200 on the 16th which will be fine for a house share or studio or even a private 1 bed rental but he is adiment that he will only move to a flat with a garden or balcony and that he will move in with his friend (who needs to give at least a months notice and hasnt yet) He also has his birthday and his friends wedding coming up and just bought himself an expensive pair of sunglasses.. all which he deems more important than moving when he said he will.

I realy dont know what to do - he has had since november - almost 6 months - to prepare for moving out. The flat is in my name though he has been paying the rent(in part) whilst living here, but i will be paying from 16th onwards and i pay all of the bills which are also in my name.

He has also not bought one single thing for the baby. He keeps shouting at me and upseting me.I told him making me cry and the stress is realy bad for the baby but he just scoffs at the like im lying.

I said we are broken up and he agreed and i changed the relationship status on facebook and now he is ranting and raving that i have to change it back, but i dont want to be with him!! :-( :-(

I dont know what to do, i am being forced to be with someone I dont want to be with and to live with someone who just wont leave me alone.

I know this is long winded and full of spelling mistakes! :-) But any legal and emotional advice would be realy very helpful.

Also i just want to say that hes not a horrible person and used to be realy lovely and still can be sometimes (apart from all the lying) he just has changed towards me but also has a temper and wont let go or believe we should be apart.. He will be a good dad just not a good partner. :-(

He just doesnt seem to understand it doesnt matter what the situation, who has done who wrong and what has happened.. at the end of the day if one person does not want to be with the other person then they should have the right to choose not to be ... :-( ( I have explained this till I am blue in the face and it is like talking to a brick wall.

Please help!

[JaneDoeDoeJaneJaneDoe]

get him out now, all this stress is bad for the baby

wait til he is out, pack his stuff and get someone to change the locks

then GO AWAY for a few days so you wont be tempted to weaken, but get someone to stay in the flat, so he doesnt break in and trash the place

[izzyizin]

Whether he's paid your rent for one month or one year gives him no entitlement whatsoever to remain in your home.

He caused you to have debts of £800 and you should have booted him out long ago.

With regard to emotional advice, if the reason you've stuck with a selfobsessed abusive man who lies through his teeth and doesn't give a flying fuck about you is that you have little self-esteem or a sense of self-worth, ask your GP to refer you for counselling and keep posting here so that you can get support for your issues.

You need to toughen up pdq, honey, because you're going to be a role model for your dc and you owe it to them to be a good one.

[Vintagelover]

I think maybe the thing is I am just trying to be as fair as possible and his constant talking down at me and calling me heartless is making me think i am being unfair maybe. Its silly realy.. as I am great at giving advice..all of my friends come to me for advice.. its just different when its you in the situation.. judgement gets clouded! Thank you all for your posts. I think I am going to call womans aid just to check my rights etc. I think I will keep to the date of the 16th but in the meantime I am starting to spring clean my whole flat in anticipation of babys arrival so in doing so I will gradually binbag and box up any of his belongings ready to go.. to hopefully show I am serious. I know this will cause more shouting at me etc but I will try and deal with it and if it gets to much I will call the police. If he doesnt go on 16th I will change the locks and call the police to supervise him collecting his stuff. I would love to get him out now but I just cant deal with the stress and the accusations we live in a small town and he is a very believable liar. He has paid the rent so I will let him stay until then. I am worried about how he will react and how the next few weeks will be but i will call womans aid and see what they have to say! xxx

[JaneDoeDoeJaneJaneDoe]

if you think he is going to react violently, then you need to play safe, if you are determined to wait til the 16th, perhaps start "herding" his stuff, so its easy to pack on 16th.

Far better to get shot of him in one go if you think he is violent

[suburbophobe]

Why wait till the 16th? You need to start "nesting" now (as you say you have started doing) and need your peace to prepare for the birth of your baby.

I was under a lot of similar stress during my pregnancy, my baby was born premature at 8 months. I´m sure it had to do with it.

And yes, definately don´t put him on the birth certificate, he doesn´t deserve it treating you like utter shit when he should be helping to make your pregnancy the best it can be.

He sounds utterly vile. I don´t know why you feel in any way responsible for him, it shows how ground down he´s got you.

[Vintagelover]

He works nights and sleep most of the days so hes not around loads to upset me apart from at weekends.

I had already decided that hes not going on the birth certificate. There is no way in the world that I would give any rights to someone who has threatened to try and take my child away from me( Even if he doesnt realy mean it). xxx

[optimal]

Hi! Gosh, you sound like you desperately need some space from him. He's emotionally blackmailing you. Put yourself 1st. You don't want to go into early labour with stress.
You've got no legal obligation to accept his money as rent. Perhaps what he likes to call a rent contribution, you could tell him you accept as part reimbursement for what he owes for the bills!

Suggested to do list!! :

1. Get a friend or locksmith to change locks, or buy new locks (just the barrels) (+ screwdrivers) + spare keys for landlord + your labour support friend.
   

1. ring police non-emergency no. 101 for advice.
   

1. Call friends / womens aid for emotional support/self esteem building/dealing with the verbal abuse/moving forward, & for specific advice on handling moving him out & what to say to him. (I was the one who left & - as advised - I left a wardrobe full of (unwanted) clothes pretending I'd be back on visits).
   

1. get friend (or friends on a rota) round to help pack his things, & keep you company til he's gone. If you don't want confrontation with him, try to agree whether you deliver his stuff to a friend of his, or if his friend should pick it up.
   

1. Don't respond to his texts, phonecalls unless you choose to. Don't get drawn into his criticisms/verbal abuse. Mentally block it out.
   

1. Have birth-bag packed & all your "going into labour" phone no's to hand.
   

1. Get legal advice; Good idea not to put him on the birth certificate so he won't have parental responsibility. Give the baby your surname (I screwed up on that & had to change it by deed poll). Don't let him register the birth with you either & don?t get drawn into discussions about the child, which could be "twisted" by court to be a parental responsibility agreement. (google: unmarried fathers rights. Also look at: direct.gov.uk on parents rights.).
   

1. Chill! enjoy some "me" time! The more relaxed you are, the better the birth & healthier the baby will be. ☺
   

Really, don't make excuses for him. Put your needs 1st. :)

[optimal]

oops! that was meant to be a smiley face at the end of the 2nd last line!

[AThingInYourLife]

"5. I am 7 months pregnant so need to stay in the flat, plus it is in my name so he couldnt stay if i left anyway."

Do you really need to stay in this flat?

He sounds dangerous. There might be some merit in moving out yourself without letting him know where you are going.

[SingleNow]

Vintage

after reading a few of the posts, i felt compelled to add a message.

After 6yrs with my now ex partner I snapped and left him no option but to move out. We have 2 children, 1 is mine from a previous relationship the other is "Ours". He too told me nothing but lies from day one about his past, his job, everything in fact.

I knew it was all lies but like you "I loved him" and took him back time after time. The final straw came after 36m of abuse from him when he went into hospital. He called me up to say he had been told to contact his next of kin as they were rushing him back to surgery. My mum offered to call and see how he was only to be told he had NOT been taken back down it had all been a lie.

For me it was the deal breaker and when he called the following morning I ignored his requests of collecting him from hospital. By this point I knew I didn't love him and he certainly didn't love me. I then got online and found him a room. He went there 2 days later and has been gone 8 weeks now. I have had the threats, insults, harrassment you name it and had to get the police involved.

You can get free of him and you need to because otherwise he will drag you down with him, you need to have enough balls for the pair of you. Otherwise he will drag it on and on finding excuses to stay etc

[JaneDoeDoeJaneJaneDoe]

I wanted to add hat the cheating - it is a result of being in an abusive relationship - it's a symptom of what you have been/are going through.

It took me a long, long time to realise that.

[NettleTea]

I would go to the police right now, today, and tell them everything that yo have said in your opening post. They will have a record of what he did last time when he got fined, so they are pre-warned as to what he is likely to do when you ask him to go again.

He wont go willingly because he has it good there. He doesnt even have to interact with you much, as he works night, but he has a phone he doesnt have to pay for, meals on the table, someone to take his frustrations out on and make him feel big when he puts you down.

He wont go willingly, and you know it, so why wait. There is nothing wrong with him paying towards the rent, it doesnt give him any rights. i would think your landlord would be pleased to see the back of him too - especially if he is likely to cause damage if upset. Tell the landlord too - he might change the locks himself, and would certainly be looking to press charges if he attempts to cause damage by trying to get back in.

He wont go willingly, and when you have a newborn you wont have the time nor energy needed to have the fight. It could take months, if not years, to gather the strength that you could summon now. You might never get the chance because, chances are, he will REALLY start with the emotional abuse once the baby comes and your self esteem will plummet, and soon you will find yourself needing ADs just to function, blaming yourself for it all, and feeling guilty about taking the baby away from its father. And if you cannot work you wont have so much money and he is going to blame you more as you wont be able to support him. And most probably he will be jealous of the baby, he seems the type.

you need to get some legal advice, and take out an order to keep him away (that previous police charge is going to be a life saver here)

And in regard to the affairs. Yes they were wrong, but it doesnt give him an allowance to treat you badly. You were honest about them and you gave him the choice to leave. He chose not to. Stop beaitng yourself up about it and get angry, and get him out now. Take any upfront rent off what he owes you for other stuff.

[PooPooInMyToes]

I was in an abusive relationship (well 2 actually) and i ended up being unfaithful as well. I don't know what the psychology behind it is but it seems common. Don't beat yourself up about it. I bet you wouldn't have done it if you were happy and he hadn't lied to you every day of your relationship.

[SingleNow]

I think when we are in abusive relationships we look for some hope that we can feel/be better.

[GeekCool]

Vintage if you are determined to wait until the 16th you must tell someone in RL. Your landlord, the local police or someone. Do not wait until the day, ensure someone else knows he will be leaving and you may need some support.
It's difficult enough to get shot of an abuser, let alone when you are pregnant and more vulnerable - which he will take advantage of.
Please do call WA but please also contact your landlord & local police for advice/help. You do not have to do this alone.

Cheating or not, you do not deserve this treatment. He does not get to 'punish' you like this.

[nizlopi]

You should start looking for a new place to live and tell him that youve given your notice at the place you are now and will be moving out yourself on XXX date.

Or something to that effect. It might light a fire under him.

That's just what I'd do though. I'm sure others have better ideas than that :P

[nizlopi]

I don't mean actually move, btw, just totally lie to him. Two can play at that game.

[pictish]

Nah - locks changed and stuff on doorstep in black bags. That'll do.

[MissFaversham]

All the above and get a DNA test once gorgeous baby is born, you never know he may not be the father then you definitely won't have to have anything more to do with him EVER!

Good Luck OP

[twinmummy132]

wow were have i heard this all b4 oh yes my cousin is in the excat situation nd i wiil tell u wot i told her man up and grow some fukin balls u need to think about YOURSELF & UR BABY not some jumped up little prik who thinks he can controll u the flat is in YOUR name legally he has no right to be there please do not listen to anymore of the shit that comes out of his mouth its all a load of bollocks please please please listen to the advice u have been given on here and not do wot my cousin keeps doing and taking him back.

get him out rite now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Calamityboo]

Sounds like you live with my xh! My advice would be when he goes out, pack his stuff, don't ruin or break anything, put it all outside and change the locks and ask a friend to stay with you while you make sure he takes his things and leaves.

[neuroticmumof3]

Don't wait until the 16th. He's got no intention of leaving then. You've said yourself he's a compulsive liar, he's lying about leaving too. Ring Women's Aid and gather the strength to kick him out. If you don't act soon he'll be shouting at you in front of your baby before you know where you are. You're worth so much more than this abusive relationship and so is your baby.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Nonsense to say he's losing his home and family. For a start it's not his home, it's his ex girlfriend's flat which he's only been in a few months, and the "family" consists of a woman who he treats like dirt and a baby who hasn't even been born yet. It's not a big deal for him to find another flat, and if he's such an accomplished liar it won't take all that long for him to find another solvent woman to sponge off either. Don't worry about breaking his heart - he doesn't have one.

[Cazz1981]

I'm in a similar situation myself, I'm recently married, 16 weeks pregnant and only just realised my bloke has a drinking problem, it explains his Jekyll n Hyde personality now, he's seriously 2 different people, I'll try to keep it short

Today I arrive home 1pm he's pissed, repeating himself over n over, I ask if he's ok, he snaps, I snap back then to avoid the argument I leave.

I decided while I sat in my car contemplating my future with him that enough is enough it can't go on, he's drinkin almost everyday and being vile, so I txt him telling him he needs to leave my home ASAP ( the tenancy is in my name alone) or I will call the police, he left but only to go shop for more drink, so I went in the house locked the door and left my key in so he can't get in. He started booting the door in and shouting at me, I called the police.

Fact of the matter is ive been depressed about him for months, and now I'm thinking it's not depression as such it's him getting me down, I've gotta stick to what I'm saying and not let him manipulate me into worming his way back thru my door, these men don't change!!!! Bullies who really don't deserve children truth be told.

I'm expecting a battle on my hands bout custody once baby born, I'm ready for it, at the end of the day I'm a law abiding citizen with a clean home, no drink/drug problem, as for him he's the opposite so it's all in my favour anyway.

If anyone reading this is in doubt whether they're doing the right thing leaving a nasty bully of a man, believe me it's better to be a single parent with peace of mind than in a crappy relationship that teaches the child how to form and stay in disfunctional relationships.

If need be always call the police I have and its a step in the right direction, wish I'd done it sooner, I still have a long way to go, but I'm determined to stay strong!

[Coyoacan]

Cazz1981
Like the OP, don't put him on the birth cert. I think he can go through the courts to get on the birth cert if he has the energy, but meanwhile save yourself a lot of trouble. From what I understand you can still claim child support and, if he shows himself to be a decent father, you can encourage that relationship.