What IS it with mil/dil relationships?

[bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe]

Why are they so tricky?

Why is mumsnet overrun (tainted even) with negative threads about mils?

[Moodykat]

I love my MIL. We get on brilliantly. Possibly as my own DM died just after I got married so DMIL is the only mum I have left!

[schroeder]

Well I think sometimes mils can naturally be overprotective if there boy has been hurt in the past, dils are all nervous and it's not a good combination.

I don't think though, I should pretend to like my mil just because I might be one one day. [hhmm]

I have learned that it's a good idea to try and get along with any girlfriends ds might have-just in case. [hgrin]

[ncjust4this]

I hate the idea that people think if you dont get on with your MIL you must be unreasonable. Actually my MIL abused my dh, has CHOSEN to ignor our dd for most of her life, never bothered to ask why she was put in scbu after her birth or if either of us were ok. She has never visited us. And to be quite honest if you knew even a little bit of the rest of the story you would think she was a bitch too....

[HardCheese]

I think that you are going to see a disproportionate problematic mother-in-law relationships on MN because of the nature of an online forum that deals in venting and problem relationships - it's the same on the pregnancy forum. It looks as though almost no one has a normal, complication-free pregnancy, but that's because people with problems and dilemmas are more likely to post. It's not necessarily reflective of reality.

Having said that, my relationship with my de facto mother-in-law (I haven't married her son, which galls her) is ambivalent at best. I admire her energy and indefatigability - and of course she gave birth to and brought up my beloved partner - but she's terribly tactless and over-bearing and I anticipate more friction after the birth of our first child, because I imagine we have entirely different ideas about child-rearing... I get on with a house on fire with my FIL, though, who is utterly lovely.

[WaitingForMe]

Upon reflection I'll probably be a step-MIL one day. I get on well with Exw so I wonder whether we'll join forces for MIL evildom or whether we'll play good cop, bad cop.

I think as a stepmother I ought to get first dibs on bad cop (what with us being inherently evil) but then etiquette surely says mother gets first choice.

It's a dilemma alright

[catsrus]

my ex MIL is brilliant. I'm closer to her than I was to my mother, she is the most wonderful grandmother, a good friend for 20+ yrs and I still see her 3-4 times a week.

I took my lead in the MIL stakes from my own mother, who took the view that you let the dh and his mother just get on with their relationship and never get in the way, you let the grandmother spoil the grandchildren because that's what gms are for and let your own relationship with her just fall into place. This is helped of course by having nice MILs to work with :)

[mumblejumble]

My MIL is batty. Every comment made to me is a snide insult. Every contact I have with her is marred by her absolute head-spinning evil, really you would have to meet her and be a fly on my wall during her visits. She goes through my mail, and has been known to help herself to money from my purse.She has tried re-naming my children. She lies about me to dh, claiming I have sworn at her. He has been told by her to divorce me FFS.
She has form......

[CompleteMug]

My MIL is 85 and a complete lady. That said, we are in tune with our sense of humours and her cackle is infectious. I adore her and even though there's almost 40 years between us, she's one of the closest to me. She's also an amazing Grandmother with a never ending supply of cadbury's.

I'm [shocked] at some MIL's stories here though. mumblejumble - what a horror

[ScaredtheDeesusOutofMe]

I don't think the amount of stories about MIL's on here is necessarily disproportionate (or not that disproportionate at any rate). This thread reminded my of an article I read a while ago based on a study that found that the MIL/DIL relationship was the most fraught. Whether you agree or not it's an interesting idea....can't find the exact link I wanted to but this newspaper article is about the same psychologist www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/aug/15/mother-in-law-rivalry-jealousy

[TheRealMBJ]

I get on well with my MIL. We respect each other and are careful not to step on each other's toes. She is kind and helpful BUT she lives down the road from us, likes to be in control and sees 'her family' as her and her children (DS, as her grandchild, is probably also included).

We have no issues and, I think we both try to include each other, but I do feel suffocated sometimes. At times, my life is made much easier by her taking control and sorting things like Sunday dinner or Christmas, but equally I feel that I am not able to start or incorporate my own family traditions and that we (DH, DS and I) are not seen as a family of our own. I am merely an 'inconvenient' addition.

I also feel that there are times where she tries to compete with me on the 'mothering' stakes, which is ridiculous as she has 3 grown children and I have one 21 month old and an impending newborn. She does like to show-off in front of other people and say things like 'oh, what a horrible mummy, come to granny' or 'DGS loves me best'

For the most part I ignore it because in every other way she does do her best AND the relationship with her own children (especially SIL who doesn't have children's herself yet) can be similar.

Over all I think what I am trying to say is that we get on, we both try hard, I try not to include her and she tries not to step on my toes and it works but only for as long as we both respect each other's boundaries and aren't too precious about our own. If the delicate balance we currently have where to change (and sometimes I feel she does push it) it could easily tip over into a less congenial situation.

[Kayzr]

My XMIL was a bloody cowbag. I did everything wrong. She didn't want us to have DCs, I was fat (at my heaviest I was 3 stone less than her), my job was terrible(had to agree) and it was my fault that XH was a cheating lying, self centred wanker.

Now we're divorced I get on so much better with her and enjoy seeing her when I drop the boys off there.

New MIL to be is much much nicer. But she does live 400ish miles away so don't see her as often as I did XMIL.

[CailinDana]

I think it can be a difficult relationship as a woman is often forced to cooperate with her mother law in a way that a man rarely is. Unfairly, IMO, it usually falls to the woman to deal with both hers and her DH's family, in terms of family get togethers, birthdays, Christmas, grandchildren, etc. So basically, the woman, a stranger, is coming into an established family and trying to negotiate situations that can cause a lot of angst and bad feeling. It's a very tough relationship to deal with as you don't just have to be friendly, you have to try to set a sort of working relationship between two families. If you get on fine with your MIL then it should work ok, but if you have clashing personalities, different priorities or just different expectations then it's a recipe for disaster.

Things were going downhill fast between me and MIL until I though "fuck this, why am I the one constantly organising visits and negotiating where people are staying etc, this is DH's family!" So I told him I wasn't dealing with it anymore and since then things have improved hugely between us. MIL was always a bit suspicious of what I said, assuming I was fobbing her off or that I really didn't want to visit, but now that everything goes through DH, she believes every word and doesn't get worked up. I can just relax and be friendly with her and there's much less tension between us.

As far as I can tell, in a lot of the situations that people post about on MN the MIL sees the DIL as the "gatekeeper" of her son's family and the DH has just completely checked out of the whole thing. What you have then is two people who don't know each other very well trying to gauge each other and establish boundaries. It isn't fair at all and I think if more men stepped up and took responsibility and smoothed the way between their wife and mother things would end up a lot better. I think women need to put their foot down and say "she's your mother, you deal with her."

[ScaredtheDeesusOutofMe]

Hear hear CailinDana!

Well said that woman!

[exoticfruits]

I think that you get a very skewed view on MN because people tend to post with problems. In RL I find that people get on well-she is after all the person that made DH the person he was, either through nature or nurture and it is quite likely that your DCs will either be the spitting image or like her in character! People appear to think they can filtre out MIL's genes.

I think the problems come from 2 ways

1. MIL has always been a controlling mother and even expected her DS to think the same and she expects to approve (or even have some say!) in his choice of wife. She isn't open to getting on with someone she doesn't particularly like.
   
2. DIL thinks DH is a foundling and doesn't appreciate that when she gets him she gets his parents, cousins, great uncles, family friends who have known him since a baby etc etc etc. She doesn't see the need to build up a relationship and it is all done through DH.
   

It can be tricky-especially if both women are insecure. They need to make their own relationship. Go out alone together and find ways to become friends.

[Chestnutx3]

CailinDana is right IMO the men need to act as a go between not abdicate responsibility.

[Blueberties]

I've just read the op and the first page, but I've read threads like this before.

To me it's like saying: "I've got a full fridge, why do people have to spoil things by talking about being hungry?"

Lucky you, that's great. Probably best not to pass judgement if you can't imagine that a difference experience might exist on a considerable scale.

Sorry if that's too "challenging" for mn or for hq.

[ImperialBlether]

I agree with you, Blueberties.

Some people on here have MILs who are clearly deranged. The posters' partners seem to know this and keep a distance from their own mothers, pushing the posters into the frontline.

Other posters (not on this thread) seem clearly deranged themselves, professing shock and horror when their MIL wants the slightest involvement in her son's and grandchildren's lives.

[sayithowitis]

I think we just all have different experiences of MILs! FWIW, I would love my MIL to show any genuine interest in my DCs, even half the interest she has for her other GC would be welcome. But it has never been forthcoming. DH and I literally had to beg her to spend time with dc1 who was the first gc. On the day DC2 was born, despite having already agreed to have DC1 for us, she then refused when DH called to let her know I was in labour. Reason? She had a hair appointment. Every invitation to school plays, sports days etc was always rebuffed.

I have never knowingly done anything to her - I included her in my wedding preparations, aware that as the mother of sons she was never going to have those 'Mother of the Bride' moments, she has always been just as welcome at our home as my mother and yet has never managed to do any more than just tolerate me. I also know she has told lies about me to her family. She claims that I stop DH from phoning/seeing her when in reality it is usually me that nags him into keeping up contact. But there we are, after over 30 years of it I doubt she will change now. My Dcs don't miss a relationship they've never had with her and sadly, now that she is older, she doesn't see the connection between her ignoring them when they were younger and them basically having very little to do with her now. My mum OTOH, they are both very close to her indeed. Because she has always been there for them. And DH is closer to my mum than to his own, because she has always treated him as a member of the family rather than an unwelcome intruder.

Having said all that, I do sometimes feel sorry for some MILs on here because I do think thet some DILs place a higher expectation on them than they do their own mum. But I have been known to say so when I see that.

[mollynp]

've disowned my in-laws and it's beautifully liberating, though it upsets me to see my dh upset by them. i.ve only recently come to this conclusion after their last lot of toxic behaviour that they are not my parents and i don't have to put up with their shit anymore!

[Annie421]

My MIL is one of the nicest people you could ever wish to meet, FIL is great too, they never interfere and are very supportive, i know that this is quite rare so i do thank my lucky stars!!

[bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe]

"To me it's like saying: "I've got a full fridge, why do people have to spoil things by talking about being hungry?"

That's a very simplistic take on my op Blueberties, which actually asked why the mil/dil relationship is often so fraught.

Have had some very interesting answers from some posters, thank you.

[Blueberties]

I'm not sure it was simplistic really. It was a very simplistic op suggesting that mn is "tainted" - which is really quite perjorative - with negative MIL stories.

Of course it's obvious to everyone that no one asks advice where there is no problem, therefore MIL threads will usually contain a problem. So it's obvious why the MIL threads are usually "problem" mil threads - because that's why people post for advice.

That can't have escaped your notice, I'm sure you're quite bright. So the implication is that somehow these mil problem threads don't reflect a reality.

It's nice if you recognise that they do reflect a reality, but then I wouldn't understand why you asked the question.

[Blueberties]

I mean, if someone posts saying "I've got a problem with my mil" the empathetic response is not "well I haven't, so neither have you".

[usualsuspect]

Its the old bag references to MILs that piss me off

[bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe]

Oh, what are you talking about bb?

I think I am going to have to add you to my list of 1 posters that I make a point of avoiding because everything you say seems to wind me up! Shall we agree to give each other a wide berth from now on?