Help - feel utterly ground down by eldest sons constant put-downs and lack of respect.

[Makeyerowndamndinner]

I am a single parent of three children. My eldest son is almost 13 and is in the very early stages of puberty ie he has become noticeably bigger, taller and stronger recently.

The problem I have with him is that he constantly puts me down and makes jokes at my expense inferring that I'm stupid, useless, can't drive, you name it. His favourite thing to say to me is that I have no friends, which isn't true, but still hits a raw nerve as I hardly have any free time to devote to my social life, and sometimes suffer from a lack of social confidence.

I have tried explaining that I feel upset when he says these things and that slipping in constant put-downs under the guise of jokes is not acceptable, but he continues.

We have had a huge row about it today, and I feel like shit. I'm the adult, I love my son, and I don't want to be putting a big trip on him, but I hate the way he treats me. Getting him to do the washing up just once a week or help out in any way involves having to have an argument so exhausting it almost isn't worth it. There are consistent boundaries in place eg if he doesn't pick his dirty clothes up off the floor or do his once a week turn at the washing up, his pocket money gets deducted, but it doesn't make any difference. He rages against me enforcing these boundaries and can really get very unpleasant at times. But it's the constant disrespectful comments and jokes about my intelligence and capabilities that really get to me.

I have started to feel incredibly resentful as well as sad. I work really hard for my family. I care for three children and run a home on my own. I work at a sometimes very stressful job in order to try to provide my children with everything they need. I've spent an awful lot of money these holidays on treats and entertainment and days out for them, and although I know that doesn't mean they owe me anything, I just feel that I have the right to expect a basic level of respect and courtesy.

Am I being over sensitive? Would really appreciate some perspective here.

[ImperialBlether]

Of course you're not being over sensitive. It's awful when it's one of your children that behaves like this - if it was anyone else you could tell them where to go and avoid them.

What about his dad? Is he involved at all? I used to phone my ex if the children misbehaved so that they got it from him, too. They hated him knowing anything like that, so that curbed them a bit.

Does he have any male role models? Does he have any friends? How does he behave in school?

[ImperialBlether]

I know what you mean about feeling resentful. I felt like that towards my ex, when I'd hear he was going on another holiday, when he'd say he was out for a meal, when he'd turn up in new clothes or a new car, when every penny I earned went on the children.

[biryani]

Of course you deserve respect, and I'm not surprised you feel resentful. I wonder if his behaviour has changed for the worse recently ie could it be a phase? I'd talk to his school to establish whether his behaviour has deteriorated recently. Do you have any family close by for support?

They DO owe you something - they owe it to you to be polite, respectful, well-mannered and well-behaved towards you. Good luck. Hope you get some good advice.

[mymumdom]

He's not showing any respect for you is he? Where do you think he's getting that from? How about spending some time with him and explaining how it makes you feel?

[overmydeadbody]

I don't think you;re being over-sensitive actually, I sometimes feel the same way and DS is only 8! We are human, we have feelings, even if what is being said is from the mouth of a child, it can still hurt.


Is his dad in the picture? If not, he might be hurting inside and you are an easy target? Or it could just be hormones and testosterone that he doesn't know hoe to deal wth yet, so again you are an easy target?



How abou trying a method I use, which is to praise praise praise every little thing he does that is behaviour you would want and expect (so not only praising really ibg effort on his part, but even little tihngs) with really specific praise, e.g if he thanks you for his lunch or something, you tell him how nice that makes you feel and what a lovely boy he is? Basically flood him with praise, ignore the bad stuff, and hopefully you will train him to change his behaviour?

[Makeyerowndamndinner]

His father lives fairly close by and he sees him regularly. However (and I sometimes wonder if this is where the behaviour comes from) his father and I had a major bust-up a couple of years ago. I realised his father was regularly leaving him alone at night to go and socialise elsewhere, had let him sleep over at an adults party (my son had woken surrounded by adults he did not know wasted on drugs and alcohol) and was also dealing cannabis. I made it clear to his father that these things were not acceptable to me and reduced contact. We went to mediation and avoided going to court, but his father and his fathers partner have been furious with me ever since. I worry that he's picking up on their negative attitude towards me, even though we all do try our best to be friendly and civil in front of him.

To his fathers credit, he has made an awful lot of changes. He has stopped dealing, now gets a babysitter when he wants to go out drinking, and no longer takes our son to parties where there's going to be drugs and excessive drinking. But a certain amount of bad feeling remains. His father and his fathers friends all believed I was making something out of nothing and his father has told me that our son will grow up to hate me :-(

[Makeyerowndamndinner]

He went through a time in his last couple of years of primary school (while this business with his father was at its height) of having some minor behavioural problems at school. He was lucky enough to attend a very small village school with a very dedicated headmaster who really liked him, and we all worked on getting him through it. He has since started secondary school (will be going into year 8 in a few days) and as far as I'm aware (apart from a few teething problems at the beginning) has settled in well. He has good friends, he got a good end of year report, he's bright and funny, he's got tons going for him.

[MangoMonster]

You deserve his respect. Are there any phew issues between you? Or maybe he is stressed or unhappy about something and taking it out on you as he knows you'll take it and he needs to vent?

[heleninahandcart]

You are not being over sensitive. It is very hard when you have a constant drip, drip of criticism and it does grind you down. I'm no expert but he could be picking this up from his father's attitude towards you. Alternatively it could be that his father is not a great role model and your DS is trying to find his role as a 'man'.

My only advice is to keep strong boundaries, do not let him slip these comments in without challenge, try not to take it too personally (although it IS personal). My son started doing the same at about the same age, his father is not in his life at all. The only thing that pulled him up was when I asked him how he would feel if someone treated him like that. Or if a stranger spoke to me like that.

[mumblejumble]

I think you should have new rules in place.
He is never allowed to talk to you or anyone else in a degrading manner.
Also do not tell him how the things he says to you makes you feel, just respond straight away with 'how dare you talk to me like that' in an angry voice. You should be angry with him for talking to you like that.

[Makeyerowndamndinner]

I am angry Mumblejumble. Really angry. And I responded with anger today. His reaction to that is always to respond with aggressive defensiveness (not physically aggressive, just his tone of voice and choice of words) and eventually to become very upset and tearful.

Like any mother I cannot bear to see my child distressed and tearful, but today I told him, 'I'm sorry but this is not about you. I'm the injured party here and even though you are now upset it is still me that deserves an apology.' Eventually he did apologise and I told him that I appreciated his apology but that an apology had to be matched by actions (ie not doing it again.) He said he wouldn't but we have been here before....

[Makeyerowndamndinner]

MangoMonster what is phew please?

[haveigotnewsforyou]

You teach people how you want to be treated including your children.

About 10 years ago I went through a bit of a period where I lost my confidence. I was treated quite badly by a few people - a couple of bosses and my boyfriend. It was a terrible time but it was a learning experience. Now I don't take any crap but I am assertive in a nice way and people know not to mess with me.

There is no way in a million years I would have been rude to my Mum and Dad. They just wouldn't have tolerated it. I knew exactly where I stood because their rules were clear and consistent. I think you just need to adopt the same approach. Hopefully it will save your sanity!

[bibbitybobbityhat]

How about really shocking him and yelling at him at the top of your voice to fuck the fuck off one of these days? Not in an out of control hysterical way but in a cold, calm, I won't put up with this from you kind of way.

Am not joking. I think toddlers/children/teenagers all push boundaries - no harm in spelling out exactly where your boundaries lie.

[ImperialBlether]

Oh god bibbity, I know that's tempting, but I think it's a really awful idea. What if he just went off to his dad's and refused to come back?

You don't want any situation where the OP ends up apologising to him.

[Makeyerowndamndinner]

No, I would never have spoken to my parents like that either haveigotnewsforyou.

It's all very well saying that you teach people how you would like to be treated, but what do you suggest I do? If it was anyone else I would walk away - I ended a previous relationship due to constant undermining and low-level emotional abuse - but I cannot walk away from my own son.

I have told him I don't like it. I have told him I deserve better. I have responded angrily and shouted. I have tried to talk to him to get to the bottom of it. I have made an effort to spend more quality time with him. I have spoken to his father. But nothing makes a jot of difference because he is a child and can only think of his own wants and needs. He does not and can not understand how tiring it is to do everything I do. When I ask him if he thinks I was put on this earth for his convenience he looks slightly puzzled, because to him, deep down, yes, that's exactly what I'm here for! He genuinely does not see why he should have to help and thinks I am unreasonable for demanding that he does.

I would like to implement a zero tolerance policy for disrespect and pull him up every single time, but if I did that I would literally spend all day every day having a go at him. I can see him switching off when I try to talk to him about things anyway, shaking his head almost as if to say 'here she goes again....'

[Makeyerowndamndinner]

I also find it really difficult to speak to him about this without feeling as though I'm being somehow manipulative. Whatever I say seems to boil down in essence to, 'Please be nicer to mummy, she tries ever so hard you know.' or, 'I demand you be nicer to me, I work my arse off for you.' Of course I would never say those actual things but that's always what it feels like. Ugh.

[sheepgomeep]

my nearly twelve year old ds is exactly the same. He is awful to his four year old sister, really nasty and spiteful, ok to the 9 year old sister and lovely to his baby sister. absolutely vile to me.

My ds has adhd which explains some of his behaviour but mostly the lack of respect drives me mad.

I can really sympathise, its incredibly upsetting to have to hear this sort of stuff coming from your own childs mouth.

[sheepgomeep]

I am also single parent. I did notice ds has the same cocky attitude and swagger as his dad. I had the distinct impression that I was never good enough for his dad and his son is carrying it on.

My ds told me he was ashamed that we live in a council house and he didnt want to tell his posh mates where we live. Doesnt matter that his Dad made us homeless in the first place and ive always worked albeit part time to make ends meet.

[haveigotnewsforyou]

Op, you've probably been too nice in the past.

There was a zero tolerance policy when I was growing up and the message was consistent. You either towed the line, got shouted at or got a smack. I was scared of my Dad and did what I was told. We never had a discussion about how my behaviour made my Dad feel! I didn't always agree with everything but I did what I was told and I have great respect for my Dad even though he is no longer with us.

I am sure someone else will come along with better advice than me.

[epeems]

Can't yet speak from experience. I googled parenting teens and loads of relevant pages came up.

This might sound a bit odd, but I got some lovely advice from something called the elder wisdom circle. They're a group of 'seniors' in America who volunteer their time to give support and advice to people on on line. I wanted ideas on how to help shy dd and they took the time to come back to me with quite a bit of sound common sense advice.

[lurkinginthebackground]

Makeyerown it must be very hard for you, especially with you not having the support of his father.
My son (12) went through a phase of calling me "gay". I repeatedlytold him, "I am not gay, I am happily married". I have no idea why he kept calling me this. I have been married to his father for much longer than he has been around. I never make any negative comments about gay people and tbh it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if he was gay and he knows this. It did however piss me off because he kept saying it in a negative way, as a definate put down.
The only advice I can offer is to tell him to stop. If he says you are a bad driver whilst you are driving perhaps stop the car and tell him to apologise or else it will be his last lift (make sure it will deprive him of lifts though!!).
If he says you have no friends then say "Yes perhaps I should socialise more and stop putting you first". Then make a phone call to a friend when otherwise you would be alone with him, tell him you are busy making plans with your "friend". If all else fails at least you will have let off steam by having a bit of me time.
Hopefully he will grow out of it, fingers crossed.

[YoungMotherTubby]

I've three teenage boys and each has to varying extents behaved like this and for all of them the 'phase' passed. Plus it happened when they were younger teenagers

Once they had got whatever off their chest or finished their sarcastic remark I'd wait for it to become calm and then tell them why I found what they said offensive/hurtful etc. Another tactic I used was when they asked for something and I'd refuse it stating 'Oh but remember I'm the mum who is crap/mean/whatever' and then stand my ground.

Further - yet another thing I did was when they spoke to me nicely about something, I would blank them and shortly after tell them that I wasn't interested in hearing what they had to say after the way they treated me.

Sounds really petty - but was turning it back on them and sometimes I must have appeared really mean - but we're out the other end (mostly!) and they're great again.

[Makeyerowndamndinner]

That is heartening to hear YoungMotherTubby. I'm glad you're out the other side.

[missprocrastinate]

Hi being a parent of a teen is always challenging. However, it doesn't sound like his dad is a good role model for him and so he's picking up lots of negativity towards you from there.

As hard as it is you mustn't rant & rave at him (or swear) as this wont set a good example to him - he'll think that behaviour is acceptable. If he's disrespectful to you impose a sanction (no TV/video games, loss of phone, grounded, etc). You deserve to be treated with respect in your own home.

Try to focus on positives and shower him with praise when he does something good and tell him how proud you are.

Best of luck.