Help - feel utterly ground down by eldest sons constant put-downs and lack of respect.

[Makeyerowndamndinner]

I am a single parent of three children. My eldest son is almost 13 and is in the very early stages of puberty ie he has become noticeably bigger, taller and stronger recently.

The problem I have with him is that he constantly puts me down and makes jokes at my expense inferring that I'm stupid, useless, can't drive, you name it. His favourite thing to say to me is that I have no friends, which isn't true, but still hits a raw nerve as I hardly have any free time to devote to my social life, and sometimes suffer from a lack of social confidence.

I have tried explaining that I feel upset when he says these things and that slipping in constant put-downs under the guise of jokes is not acceptable, but he continues.

We have had a huge row about it today, and I feel like shit. I'm the adult, I love my son, and I don't want to be putting a big trip on him, but I hate the way he treats me. Getting him to do the washing up just once a week or help out in any way involves having to have an argument so exhausting it almost isn't worth it. There are consistent boundaries in place eg if he doesn't pick his dirty clothes up off the floor or do his once a week turn at the washing up, his pocket money gets deducted, but it doesn't make any difference. He rages against me enforcing these boundaries and can really get very unpleasant at times. But it's the constant disrespectful comments and jokes about my intelligence and capabilities that really get to me.

I have started to feel incredibly resentful as well as sad. I work really hard for my family. I care for three children and run a home on my own. I work at a sometimes very stressful job in order to try to provide my children with everything they need. I've spent an awful lot of money these holidays on treats and entertainment and days out for them, and although I know that doesn't mean they owe me anything, I just feel that I have the right to expect a basic level of respect and courtesy.

Am I being over sensitive? Would really appreciate some perspective here.

[Limelight]

Thread has risen from the dead!

[HollyBerryBush]

His favourite thing to say to me is that I have no friends, which isn't true, but still hits a raw nerve as I hardly have any free time to devote to my social life

Do you actually try the plain speaking tack?

"I do have friends, but you take up all my time so I cant see them any more?"

I found that made DS1 take a step back and moderate his teen opinion somewhat. That was after a particularly lengthy bout (2 years) of having to present my self at school at least three times a week to explain his behaviour.

The plus side is: there is another side - he's come through what were the most hellish 12-16.5 years. It was 5 years of wishing I was anywhere else on this earth but here!

I have no idea where he got his attitude from, DH is so laid back he's horizontal and I waft through life with a vey lassiez faire attitude to all and sundry. DS1 was just an angry soul at that point.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm going to suggest that this is attention-seeking behaviour. Negative attention, granted, but attention nonetheless. Kids entering teenage years are at that awkward phase where they don't want to be treated the same as the little kids in the family but aren't able to cope with being an adult either. They need a lot of reassurance and confidence. Lack of ability to articulate how they feel often means resorting to either sullen silence or lashing out.

Do you spend much time with him one-on-one? Set aside times to talk about stuff that interests him? (Even if it's the plot of some incomprehensible computer game... which is where I am with my DS!) Engage with him in a more grown-up way? Involve him in decisions about the household perhaps?

I think you have to resist the temptation to get upset at his insults because that's rewarding bad behaviour with attention. Good luck

[janajos]

I have two teenage boys and agree that to an extent they all go through this. I also teach teenage boys!! I too have explained that I will not be spoken to like that and that further, I will not speak to them (or do anything for them) again until they apologise. It works quite quickly!! My eldest DS in particular, who is now 15, and was the worst, hates me ignoring him and behaviour gets back on track very fast!

Don't take it personally, he loves you really...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Oh yes... old thread. Didn't spot that!