DP wallked out, had a breakdown and now wants to come back...

[OneManBand]

I was with DP for 15 months - everything was good, I loved him, he was brilliant with my DS and I really liked his DSs. He didn't live with us but came round several times a week and every other weekend, often with his DSs too. We had a stressful & disastrous holdiay (original thread here) which resulted in me taking my key from DP . He didn't live with us but was here often. He then disappeared for 3 months.


I had wanted to talk to him - about what happened on holiday, why I wanted my key back, what was going on etc but he refused to talk. He'd send occasional texts and say he loved me and missed me etc.

I missed him terribly and begged him to talk to me but he wouldn't. He has a history of depression & I know he's suffered badly in the past. I wanted to be understanding.

Anyway, I've sent him occasional texts and sent a message earlier this week saying I hoped he was ok, I still missed him and was thinking of him but was moving on slowly.

He now wants to come back. He's called me and emailed and wants to talk. He says he wants me back, to have things how they were, to grow old together etc. I love him - I want him back but I'm angry. I want to be patient and understanding but this is a pattern with him now - he gets stressed/ upset and walks away - this is the second time he's done it with me and he did it to his ex-DW too.

I can't have that happening with DS. It's not fair - he already has an unsettled life and I don't want him living with a man who, for whatever reason, comes and goes with no warning.

WWYD?

[garlicbutter]

I haven't got children and I wouldn't tolerate this. Just as other posters say it's unfair on DC to have an unstable, unpredictable presence in their lives, it is also unfair on you. If you share your not inconsiderable life skills with somebody else, that person should be contributing an equal amount of joy to your life - reliably.

You deserve that AT LEAST! I do hope this affair has been an uncharacteristic blip, and your sights are not normally set so low.

He can't take responsibility for his own life, let alone yours or DC's. It doesn't matter why, really. It's a shame but it's who he is. You take responsibility for yours, so hold out for a man who does it, too, at least as well as you do.

Can you come over and finish my decorating?

[OneManBand]

Thank you everyone. I've had a good nap think and feel much clearer on where I stand.

He's now more or less begging me, saying he loves me, he never wanted to hurt me or DS etc but that if I want him to go, he will.

I am going to meet him tomorrow to shout at him tell him what I think and to let him know very clearly my concerns and why this will never work.

I already told him I could never trust him not to just walk out. He says he'll earn my trust, over 1, 5 or 10 years, whatever it takes. But I don't want to be with someone I don't trust. Anytime I mention him walking away/ refusing to talk to me/ hurting DS he just apologises for being ill. I have told him that it's not an excuse but he seems to have an answer for everything.

I fear I may explode in a ball of rage if I do see him and pound him to the ground but since he's a foot taller than I am, I am sure I'll do little damage. So if anyone sees a small, dark haired crazy woman attacking a very tall bewildered looking man on the Dorset cliffs tomorrow, it's me

[ImperialBlether]

I think you are giving him TOTALLY the wrong message by meeting him. You have now given him hope. He thinks you have not made a firm decision.

Seriously, think very, very hard about this. What's the point in meeting someone once you have already told him you've dumped him?

The problem is that you love him and this meeting will just confuse you again.

[OneManBand]

Argh! We haven't been able to speak properly. I hoped that by meeting in person, we could talk freely without being interrupted. I don't know what to do!

I did tell him that I was only meeting to talk but nothing more. That I we can never have what we used to have...

Oh dear

[Lizzabadger]

I wouldn't meet him. Really - walk away.

[HerHissyness]

absolutely don't meet him, he is banking on charming his way back to you.

the guy is a dud. can't parent his own kids, can't hack normal life, buggered off for 3m (bet he was with someone else, or else trying to be, but got knocked back) and now lucky ol' you gets another bite at the ol' cherry.

You are not a consolation prize, you'll never fully trust him again, and he's not compatible to your life.

Put your DS first and spend some time alone, raising your self-esteem.

((hugs))

[chris123456]

Well I think you're doing the right thing. In my view meeting has nothing to do with building up anyones hopes and everything to do with talking - of which you have not done enough.

You said in your post yesterday that you love him and want him back. If that is the case work on your relationship and start by talking, talking and then talk a bit more. Make you position clear, and of course you can trust again if you want to.

If his boys had been perfectly behaved on the holiday and you all had had a wonderful time you wouldn't be posting on here.

[HandDivedScallopsrgreat]

Have you completely actually read the thread chris? In part this is to do with the holiday although not the boys bad behaviour more the inability of the OP's partner to actually do anything about it. It is more that he buggered off for 3 months without warning. If you think that is acceptable behaviour then your boundaries need checking.

I wouldn't meet him either, OP, been there done that, got the T-shirt. He will try and weedle his way in again - it is exhausting policing it (and it won't end after the meeting either if you manage to resist that). I don't think he deserves the opportunity to have a "talk". He didn't give you the opportunity did he when he disappeared?

[chris123456]

I have read it and doing the maths - it was more like two months, during which they were in some contact. And it wasn't without warning - there was the disastrous holiday, the taking back of the key, and no doubt he handled things badly. Well, there but the grace etc.

My point is that she loves him and says she desperately wants him back.
You can look for all the red flags you want ? but so for me if they love each other this transcends everything.

All I have said is talk.

[HerHissyness]

love transcends everything?

[chris123456]

Talk!

[miniwedge]

A massive lightbulb moment for me would be the fact that he only begged to see you/ sort things out after you finally text him to say you were moving on....

And now he is suddenly desperate to see you, have you forever blah de blah...

He is an emotional head fuck and will do this to you repeatedly. No amount of talking will change that.

[garlicbutter]

What miniwedge said.

Unfortunately, Chris, love doesn't seem to transcend his inability to put his children's needs in front of his own, nor to inject joy and security into his partner's life when he feels like going for a wander. So - not a transcendental love, more of a selfish git. Imagine how much help & support he'd be when OP hit a bad time

[chris123456]

You know him then?

[garlicbutter]

Let's say I knew his emotional twin!

[garlicbutter]

Leaving personal experience aside, the evidence is in the thread. "Transcendental" love is often used as an excuse to accept unacceptable behaviour. To see where that leads you, take a look at the many threads here, where people are frantically trying to extricate themselves from abusive relationships - in fact, let's not say 'abusive', though they are, let's say 'unequal'.

Overwhelming love led them to imagine the emotion was strong enough to change another person. It isn't. It never has been.

[chris123456]

Well OMB loves him, I do wonder whether some posters - who have clearly been hurt before - project a little too much of that when they offer advise.

The thing here is that OMB says she desperately wants him back - I guessing that wasn't the same with you and his emotional twin!!

[garlicbutter]

Oh, yes, it was.

[buzzsore]

Her loving him enough isn't the problem, it's whether it's reciprocated and whether it's not just the realisation that she's 'moving on', and whoops his fall-back position is gone. Oh no, better give her some crumbs of hope to keep her hanging on. He couldn't be bothered to talk properly for a couple of months, but she shows signs of giving up on him, and he's back for a repeat performance. This guy has form for this behaviour already in the relationship, and with his previous one if I read the thread correctly.

[HerHissyness]

.. and I wonder if there are posters here, who have never experienced anything of pretty much anything and bring only naivety and blind optimism to the party.

Just because someone desperately wants it to work, for the guy to be there, supportive and a positive influence in their lives, doesn't mean it has any greater chance of happening.

OP, I advise caution. This guy has failed you before, and probably the relationship with his DS mother, he is clearly a inadequate parent and finds adult relationships and communication hard. He has ignored you for an extended period of time, only now sticking his head above the parapet now you are showing signs of moving on.

I fear you are placing yourself into an unequal situation here, and vulnerable to being treated poorly, or let down.

Don't involve your DC with him, or his with you until you are beyond certain that this will work, that this will benefit everyone concerned and that he has changed, is reliable and has discovered the required emotional intelligence to be a fixture in your life. keep your key in your possession, don't move him in, nor move in with him. I don't think this is a runner long term, but you will need to come to that conclusion yourself.

[TheOriginalFAB]

If you still love him and don't want your life without him in it, then I say give it another go but maybe away from your child so he doesn't get hurt.

[chris123456]

HH I assure you, I have experience.

My blind optimism extends as far as suggesting they talk.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Whatever the romantics say, love is not enough. You do have to consider practicality as well. A year's honeymoon is all very well, but making a life together needs a bit of mutuality, not one victim and one rescuer. It's mortal hard to love someone you can't respect, over the longer haul. He doesn't necessarily have to bring the same things as you to the party, or the conventional things, but he's got to have something going for him other than those warm fuzzy feelings. Warm and fuzzy don't pay the rent.

and you know what happened to her.

[Anniegetyourgun]

ps I do not mean for one moment that the (ex?) DP in this case will batter the OP to death. What I mean is that love can lead you badly astray. A relationship without love is a non-starter, but a relationship with nothing but love isn't going to have legs either. Except the ones he runs away on periodically.