DP wallked out, had a breakdown and now wants to come back...

[OneManBand]

I was with DP for 15 months - everything was good, I loved him, he was brilliant with my DS and I really liked his DSs. He didn't live with us but came round several times a week and every other weekend, often with his DSs too. We had a stressful & disastrous holdiay (original thread here) which resulted in me taking my key from DP . He didn't live with us but was here often. He then disappeared for 3 months.


I had wanted to talk to him - about what happened on holiday, why I wanted my key back, what was going on etc but he refused to talk. He'd send occasional texts and say he loved me and missed me etc.

I missed him terribly and begged him to talk to me but he wouldn't. He has a history of depression & I know he's suffered badly in the past. I wanted to be understanding.

Anyway, I've sent him occasional texts and sent a message earlier this week saying I hoped he was ok, I still missed him and was thinking of him but was moving on slowly.

He now wants to come back. He's called me and emailed and wants to talk. He says he wants me back, to have things how they were, to grow old together etc. I love him - I want him back but I'm angry. I want to be patient and understanding but this is a pattern with him now - he gets stressed/ upset and walks away - this is the second time he's done it with me and he did it to his ex-DW too.

I can't have that happening with DS. It's not fair - he already has an unsettled life and I don't want him living with a man who, for whatever reason, comes and goes with no warning.

WWYD?

[chris123456]

You know - bit of male common sense every now and again haha! Joking aside you've gone from WWYD to being in control which is just great.

[honeyandsalt]

Goodo.

Well, that's that then. Shame you don't fancy plum jam man he sounds lovely! Maybe X'll sort himself out you never know. But it's down to him.

Well done for taking the sane course of action, here's hoping Mr Right is around the corner x

[TheOriginalFAB]

I hope everything works out for you.

[garlicbutter]

:) Perhaps you wanted the opportunity to say what you did, calmly and from a place of strength. Well done.

[OneManBand]

Right. I met him.

We talked for a long long time.

He wanted to come back. I said I'd need to see that things were different with him and since they're not, he can't.

He's on ADs & having counselling, so I guess he is doing something but he still says he doesn't know what happened to make him walk away.

I was very honest about my feeling betrayed and hurt and that I really didn't think there was anything he could do for me to get past that. I'd always be waiting for him to walk out.

So, until he addresses his parenting issues & his emotional problems, there can be nothing more with me & DS.

It was nice to see him but it's up to him. He knows about Plum Jam man & was quite sensible about it.

Since there was no spark with Plum Jam Man, I think I need to tell him that I can't be more than friends with him either. But he's lovely.

I know most of you said I shouldn't meet him but I feel much better for having talked about things properly with him. It's funny - everyone on here (apart from Chris) said I shouldn't go but the RL friends who know said I should.

Thank you everyone for your support. I know I didn't do what you said but it really helped me think more clearly. And I did take notice, I really did.

[ImperialBlether]

In this situation, even if everything worked out with Mr Unreliable, I can't see his children cope with him living with your child - they would see it as a betrayal.

[Eurostar]

What on earth are you looking for from this face to face meeting "just to talk" - some sort of fabled "closure"? You've vented at him on the phone and he cried. Seems pointless and cruel to put him in the situation where you might get angry with him again. Do you have some romantic "long goodbye" in mind? Has he made any steps to change, is he willing to spend a lot of money and time and effort on his mental health?

Anyway, even if some miracle happened and he got fixed - what about his DS? Who sadly is troubled too and you cannot in any way do much about that when he is not with you full-time. Even if Mr Ex becomes super Dad, his DS is likely to remain troubled and could deeply resent your DS for having his Dad full-time. If you really cannot stay away from this man, it would be vital for you to have a cordial relationship with his DS's Mum and to know that his DS is very secure - or, as I said, who knows what will happen when your back is turned.

You say you've been shocked twice now by sudden change in your partners. Perhaps you are ignoring and diminishing warning signs until things come to a crisis and can no longer be ignored?

[ShoutyHamster]

When you wanted to talk, and have some answers, and were suffering - he withheld, and let you suffer.

Now the shoe is on the other foot - you're getting manipulative texts.

And all this because you let him know you were moving on. He had you pegged in a little box, pining for him, you see. When he got wind that that wasn't the case... Well, here we are.

Really, ditch him. He isn't a nice guy - he's a completely self-absorbed one. IB is right - the time to talk was then, when he bailed - not now. Text him that, and remind him of his cruelty - and tell him to get stuffed. Move on. You're wasting time planning to meet - you won't get any answers or 'closure' - you'll just pick the scab some more, and maybe even end up letting him back in to crap all over you both again. Because he will. If he had an ounce of self-awareness, you wouldn't be getting these texts. You would have been given an apology and at least an attempt at an explanation at the time. Really - this one isn't worth it. Not at all.

[HandDivedScallopsrgreat]

I don't think you will get closure from a meeting and possibly have more questions raised (although I can understand why you would want to meet him). For me closure has always been a change in the state of my mind about my ex and that has never been prompted by something they said or some reason they gave. It has just been the gradual realisation that they were in fact arses and my life was better without them in it! In fact MN made me realise one of them was abusive and that made everything so much easier to deal with and let go.

[garlicbutter]

You don't make them do it, my love! It's just what they do.

There's a bit of a clue as to why it seems like you attract wanderers - you still feel like talking to him (again) even though he doesn't 'hear' you; you want to just see him one more time (again); you feel like picking the scab. Someone with healthier boundaries wouldn't stand for it once. They'd go "Er, you went away so I took that at face value, goodbye". Because they do that and you don't, your wanderers go looking for someone like you.

Is there a chance that someone in your early life kept leaving? Did your dad work away a lot or anything?

[buzzsore]

There are other ways of getting closure than meeting up with him, you know. He sounds like (possibly due to his MH or just because it's the way he is) he is pretty manipulative and the chances are, you won't ever get the answers/explanation/understanding of why that you think you need from him.

[chris123456]

Talk - face to face - I'm not telling you again!!

[ImperialBlether]

Why don't you text him and say, "Sorry, the time to talk was when you wanted to go, not now." Then don't have any contact with him again. I'm sorry, I know what it's like to feel like that, but really, you know you will feel worse for longer if you meet up with him.

Then look up recipes for jam, so that you have something to talk to Plum Jam Man about!

[OneManBand]

Oh, I don't know.

I feel like he's really messed with my head and,through his absence and silence, (interspersed with a few 'I love you/ I miss you' texts) is being quite controlling.

So, I don't know why I am now doing what he wants when he completely refused to do what I wanted (which was to talk. Or even email - I just wanted an explanation). I'm clinging to what we had because I was happy with him. Genuinely happy. And so was DS. I thought we all were. He says he was

I hate myself for letting him have this much effect on me. I want to just turn my back on this but something is making me cling on- It's a bit like picking at a scab, I can't leave it alone. But I don't know why. And it's pissing me off because I really am quite strong and together atm.

This seems to be a pattern for me - ExH upped and left with no warning as well. It took him 5 months to come and tell me he wasn't coming back. It was a bit different, in that I'd just had DS and he was having an affair & shacked up with his GF but still - similar behaviour.

I don't know what I do to make men do this. Or why they think its ok to just leave with no explanation. I don't think I'm so scary that its not possible to say 'look, I don't want to be with you any more because...'

[notsorted]

Do everything very slowly. If you think you need to talk to him, then let it be in a few weeks time. Write some letters, keep a journal and sort out for yourself what you need to say, what you want from it all etc, etc. Plum Jam man is a very good sounding board for what is normal, so keep in touch with him and take that slowly too. You are in a good place if you want just a companion for yourself. See the ex as a trial run for what doesn't work in a relationship with kids involved.

[ImperialBlether]

Even if you meet him, afterwards there will always be things you realise you should have said or done. Does that mean you'd meet him again?

[OneManBand]

Oh, what a lot of posts, thank you.

You're right. he refused to talk. Repeatedly. And the fact that he only decided he'd have anything to do with me after I said I was moving on did set alarm bells ringing.

We talked a bit last night on the phone. Well, I bollocked him and told him why everything he has done was shit and why it is so unacceptable to treat not only me but DS too the way he has and he cried and sobbed til I told him to stop (just like I would with DS when he's whining at me - you know, 'use a big boy voice'). Sadly, I do think he is probably an emotional headfuck.

Love is important but children are more important. I have thought long and hard about this, and what I want from a relationship: I don't need money, a home or things. I don't need help or someone to do things for me. I want someone who loves me unconditionally and someone who is there. Someone I can trust, rely on and know will support me. And this isn't him, is it? He won't change. I loved him and it was lovely being together - it really felt like a family and I felt very lucky. 'Til this happened. I don't think I do desperately want him back anymore. I'm ok bumbling along by myself.

I did talk briefly with Plum Jam man about it last night - I thought he should know that I had an ex lurking and he was lovely. He said he didn't want me to but thought perhaps I should talk with exP to set things straight. And to let him know how it goes and to keep in touch with him. He sounded very grown up. Which made a change.

I might meet him because if I don't, I will always feel like this is unresolved and that I have no closure. I've found that really hard. But any further contact I have with him will be away from DS. But I don't think anything can happen now. I'm not feeling so sad about it all.

Thank you for all the advice and support.

[Anniegetyourgun]

ps I do not mean for one moment that the (ex?) DP in this case will batter the OP to death. What I mean is that love can lead you badly astray. A relationship without love is a non-starter, but a relationship with nothing but love isn't going to have legs either. Except the ones he runs away on periodically.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Whatever the romantics say, love is not enough. You do have to consider practicality as well. A year's honeymoon is all very well, but making a life together needs a bit of mutuality, not one victim and one rescuer. It's mortal hard to love someone you can't respect, over the longer haul. He doesn't necessarily have to bring the same things as you to the party, or the conventional things, but he's got to have something going for him other than those warm fuzzy feelings. Warm and fuzzy don't pay the rent.

and you know what happened to her.

[chris123456]

HH I assure you, I have experience.

My blind optimism extends as far as suggesting they talk.

[TheOriginalFAB]

If you still love him and don't want your life without him in it, then I say give it another go but maybe away from your child so he doesn't get hurt.

[HerHissyness]

.. and I wonder if there are posters here, who have never experienced anything of pretty much anything and bring only naivety and blind optimism to the party.

Just because someone desperately wants it to work, for the guy to be there, supportive and a positive influence in their lives, doesn't mean it has any greater chance of happening.

OP, I advise caution. This guy has failed you before, and probably the relationship with his DS mother, he is clearly a inadequate parent and finds adult relationships and communication hard. He has ignored you for an extended period of time, only now sticking his head above the parapet now you are showing signs of moving on.

I fear you are placing yourself into an unequal situation here, and vulnerable to being treated poorly, or let down.

Don't involve your DC with him, or his with you until you are beyond certain that this will work, that this will benefit everyone concerned and that he has changed, is reliable and has discovered the required emotional intelligence to be a fixture in your life. keep your key in your possession, don't move him in, nor move in with him. I don't think this is a runner long term, but you will need to come to that conclusion yourself.

[buzzsore]

Her loving him enough isn't the problem, it's whether it's reciprocated and whether it's not just the realisation that she's 'moving on', and whoops his fall-back position is gone. Oh no, better give her some crumbs of hope to keep her hanging on. He couldn't be bothered to talk properly for a couple of months, but she shows signs of giving up on him, and he's back for a repeat performance. This guy has form for this behaviour already in the relationship, and with his previous one if I read the thread correctly.

[garlicbutter]

Oh, yes, it was.

[chris123456]

Well OMB loves him, I do wonder whether some posters - who have clearly been hurt before - project a little too much of that when they offer advise.

The thing here is that OMB says she desperately wants him back - I guessing that wasn't the same with you and his emotional twin!!