Lack of appreciation re ds

[vvvvfedup]

I gave up work to have ds 5 years ago. He's a beautifully behaved, lovely sociable boy. Many people tell me I've done a great job for him to be the way he is. When i mention it to dh, he says it's not just because of me, but him too. dh is very ood with him generally, however having given up work and me doing everything like socialising him, potty training, most of discipline, nursery & school runs and associated issue, etc I feel I've done alot more in terms of him upbringing. I'm not at all dismissing dh's input, but would love to have the same appreciation/compliments for dh as i get from friends, mum& even mother in law!
Am i being uneasonable to want some apprecation for my input

[mumsamilitant]

Agree with the person who said - maybe its time to go back to work, possibly part-time? Have a feeling you're getting a bit resentful? Not having a go at you at all by the way. Being full time stay at home mum isn't the right thing for some.

[itwasthat]

i also dont think men realise what it is for a woman when we have children. as much as we love it they really do consume most, if not all, of your time. consider when youre out for lunch with your dc, you will no doubt be sitting with your dh but guess who has got one eye on your meal and the other eye on the children - yes the MOTHER! not the father! imo men really dont have a clue just what us mothers do day in day out, and probably therein lies the crux of the matter. unfortunately unless you disappeared for a week its unlikely hubby will ever appreciate how much input you truly have on a daily basis. you are not alone, however in how you feel

[curiousJuli]

Unfortunately today society doesn't acknowledge stay-at-home mum as equal to any other jobs.Everyone looks in surprise when you tell them you are not planning to go back to work after 6 months.Working women are some sort of heroes of West-the sooner the better.If you breastfeed longer than year,people think you are some sort of hippy.If your child is not in routine and wakes up in the night-there is def something wrong with him coz it shouldn't be this way.Yes this is a prejudiced society.Take no notice of 'such experts' vvvvfedup.
Let them bring up a child 24/7 with no chance of escaping and winding down in work,and don't make them superior to you coz they work 9-5 and you look after household and children.
You have given your DS the best start to his life and that's what counts.Don't listen to jealous people who wish they were in your position.

And WELL DONE!

xxxx

[vvvvfedup]

Thanks "itwasthat"
Imperial - don't particularly like the sarcastic tone of your posts
Happy - yes it was a joint decision for me to give up work

[ImperialBlether]

I think you and your husband should have an appraisal system with targets and action plans and bonuses.

[itwasthat]

i dont think youre being smug or any of the other adjectives used to describe you ... parenting is bloody hard, the hardest job ive ever had and it is nice to feel appreciated. Dont people get praised at work? It can be quite lonely too being at home, running a home, basically doing all the shit jobs nobody wants to do. So, OP im so happy for you that your son has really benefitted from you and your husband. And so your DH should be happy too, not sure appreciative is the correct word to describe it. From the original post it was apparent there was more to this and i do hope you both work it out, best of luck x

[HappyMummyOfOne]

You are both parents, one isnt more important than the other. Being a SAHM is not hard work so unsure as to why you feel the need for lots of appreciation. Was it a joint decision for you to finish work - I suspect not from the sound of your posts.

Your husband is right on this one, he is also raising his child as well as financially supporting him - a very important aspect of parenting.

I love being a mum but dont expect appreciation from friends and family for being one!

[vvvvfedup]

Yes, the issue is that I feel unappreciated. I guess its not just about ds, it's about pretty much everything. yes i do tell dh i aprreciate what he does, things he does with ds, etc. I do also have my own small business and am thinking of getting a part time job too.
I guess this post is just another symptom of how me and h's relationship is. We're currently seeing a counsellor (yet again ..) in a last attempt to try to make things work

[Macaroona]

Harsh responses! I agree with Jamie - this is Relationships, not AIBU. I think OP you are feeling underappreciated and understandably investing a lot in your son. Whether or not you work, you and your DH are the same people and I'm sure he respects you just as much, if not more, than when you were working. It's not about your parenting, it's about your relationship and making sure you both feel appreciated for what you do. If you don't ATM and it's manifesting itself as you feeling like your only worth to your DH is as a mother, you need to start thinking about making time to spend together as a couple to rebuild.

[JamieAgain]

Oh - me again - my DH does praise me, as I praise him for the parenting things he does really well.

[JamieAgain]

Sorry, forgot to say that it's a long-term project.

[JamieAgain]

And I think some of you are deliberately mis-understanding and being harsh. The thing about being a SAHM is that there are not many day-to-day rewards and no pay. So you do need some acknowledgment to keep your pecker up.

[JamieAgain]

I think the point here is that she feels unappreciated by her DH

[FabbyChic]

My childrens father who I have been split with for over 16 years constantly tells me what a wonderful job I have done bringing up our children who were 7.5 and 2.5 when we split.

They are now 23 and 18, one has just got a first in a Maths degree and has a fantastic well paid job, and the other goes to Uni for the same degree this year.

It's nice to be appreciated.

[dickiedavisthunderthighs]

You both made him so why do you want to take the credit for him being nice? His behaviour isn't all down to you, you know, it's a little something called 'personality'. We're all born with one.

Presumably when your DS is a bedroom-messing, door-slamming, Lynx-wearing teen then you'll take the credit for his behaviour then too?

[Fairenuff]

Oh dear.

I agree with all of the above.

OP is there a particular reason that you need reassurance that you're doing a good job so far? Those of us genuinely doing our best for our children are all great mums and dads, and we all think our kids are great too.

This is 'normal' whatever circumstances the child is raised in (and some are extremely challenging).

It's important that you don't dismiss DH's role as a parent. You may be surprised how much of an influence he has over his child. It's not equal to the time spent with the child, it's measured in how you all behave when he is with the family.

Incidentally, how would you like to swap roles and work all day so that he can stay home with your son, then be expected to praise him for raising a wonderful child almost single-handedly?

If you don't respect your DH as a father, you will warp your child's view too.

[Proudnscary]

OP's done a runner.

[Laquitar]

I feel more for the child.
I agree with brass that the pressure must be huge.
Also, it is like you are 'stealing' your son's achievements from him (ds). This can be habit for the future.

[RickGhastley]

Your poor husband, your son has been brought up by both of you and you have both done a good job as a team.

Not sure why you are looking for "one-upmanship" over your husband?

[brass]

he's probably a nervous wreck terrified of disappointing mummy dearest and making her look bad.

just imagine the pressure.

[mayorquimby]

parent

[DontGoCurly]

Is there more to this OP?

It's just that you don't get a medal for just doing your job which is being the best parent you can.

You don't do it for thanks or praise!

[msbuggywinkle]

I agree with those who say that some parents take too much credit for their children's personalities.

However, parenting isn't always easy and feeling appreciated by your partner when you've had a rough day dealing with tantrums/drama/whatever is a great thing. I like that DP admires how calm I stay with the DDs, I admire how much fun he is when he comes home after work, it is just good to feel appreciated when you've had a crappy day!

[CinnabarRed]

As far as I can tell, it's almost entirely down to the child in any case.

Although whenever I get compliments about the DSs, I feel obliged to point out that their nanny is wonderful and they wouldn't be even half as civilised without her.