Lack of appreciation re ds

[vvvvfedup]

I gave up work to have ds 5 years ago. He's a beautifully behaved, lovely sociable boy. Many people tell me I've done a great job for him to be the way he is. When i mention it to dh, he says it's not just because of me, but him too. dh is very ood with him generally, however having given up work and me doing everything like socialising him, potty training, most of discipline, nursery & school runs and associated issue, etc I feel I've done alot more in terms of him upbringing. I'm not at all dismissing dh's input, but would love to have the same appreciation/compliments for dh as i get from friends, mum& even mother in law!
Am i being uneasonable to want some apprecation for my input

Being a parent isn't about appreciation.

I think you're being a bit daft tbh. It's nice to have compliments regarding things, but I don't need external validation for my efforts. Your DH has played a role and will continue to do so, I'd understand if he suddenly just appeared in your childs life and wanted credit, but it's not a competition.

I try to avoid making too many comments about my DS's development around DH as I know he feels a bit left out and a bit sad that I have so much more input than he does. He does compliment me for being a good mother, and I compliment him on being a good dad but I would never make out that I deserve more credit for DS's behaviour as it would make him feel bad. I appreciate the fact that he goes out to work and it is because of that that I get to be at home with DS and have so much time with him. In a way DH contributes more than I do as he works and looks after DS while at the same time missing out on a lot of the fun stuff that we get to do during the day. I would understand where you were coming from if your DH was a lazy arse who did nothing but still demanded credit, but if he works and does his share to look after DS then he is contributing as much as you are. Without your DH your DS would be poor and possibly homeless.

OP - you're therefore implying that if a child isn't beautifully behaved and a lovely sociable child then it's because the mother hasn't done a great job?

Hmmmmm....

Enjoy basking in your reflected glory!

Everyone else is in a different position to your DH as they haven't had a direct hand in DS's upbringing. They can therefore compliment you - although I hope they're thoughtful enough, and non-sexist enough, to include DH in that "you". These compliments are for the child you've had together. Yes, you've done the lion's share and can justifiably be proud. However, when you discuss it with DS's other parent, wouldn't it be a whole lot more tactful to say "what a lovely job we've done bringing him up"? He might then feel secure and generous enough to say "well it's mostly you, of course" and then you can say something soppy - but true - like "I couldn't have done it without you", and all will be sweetness and light.

To be fair, I expect you could bring a child up single-handed, and make a damn' good job of it too, but fortunately you haven't had to.

You want your dh to praise you for doing the potty training so well?

All children learn to shit eventually. sorry.

Your son is a person himself, not your project .

there are so many things wrong with your attitude and your expectations in this matter that I don't know where to begin!

all I can think is you must be one of those loud performance parents, smug and mostly clueless!

You're being very silly my dear.

It's your duty to raise "beautifully behaved, lovely sociable" children and you don't get any thanks for that. Raising them to be anything other than beautifully behaved, lovely and sociable would be unacceptable.

I am not sure I understood weel your OP. Could you clarify for me?

Is it that you think you deserve the most appreciation because you have done most of the work (and therefore expect your H to says so). Or is it that you feel yur DH doesn't appreciate how hard it can be, more along the lines of 'What have you been doing all day?' type of attitude - because ovioulsy raising children doesn't need a lot of input from the adult caring for them?

Hmmm I have two beautifully behaved dc and one equally lovely but rather more spirited & at times frankly very badly behaved dc with a knack for showing me up at the most inopportune moments! Which shall I take the credit for?

Be carefull what you wish for as it may come back to bite you in the bum when your ds turns in a nightmarish teenager.

Maybe you should be passing on the praise to your son his personality and behaviour isn't ALL your doing.

I'm also assuming that if you are a SAHM then you are financially supported by your DH. Do you continually praise him for his efforts which allow for you to be at home to do the majority of upbringing?

Hmm well DH and I are the opposite to you and your DH, OP.

When I have a dreadful day with the DCs and say to DH "I feel like the worst mother in the world" he points out what nice kids they are and that everyone says so and that most of it is down to me, as I spend more time with them.

I disagree - I think DH is so nice that they have a) inherited his niceness and b) his influence pervades more despite being here less.

I'm afraid I take no credit for my DCs' good points. Even when they do well at school I feel guilty for the amount of telly/computer games they have.

When they act up, 95% of the time I can see EXACTLY what I have done wrong in my parenting to make them like that.

Parenting is a joint effort and maybe you could let your DH know how much you appreciate his input as it sounds like your are dismissing it no matter what you think.

I think you need to find something else in your life than your DS if you're this concerned that your fishing for compliments from your DH doens't get you the response you want.

I agree to all above. I'm a stay at home mum and I feel privileged to be able to stay with our little girl at home. I don't expect to be praised for looking after our child. My hubby puts in as much as he can and it breaks his heart not to be able to c her a lot during the week.
If after a bad day I feel like crap he'll remind me that actually I'm not as shit as I think I am and tell me that I'm a good mum and I'll always tell him that he's a good dad.
If your husband wouldn't be able to provide for all of you you'd have to take your son to childminders and run around every day hoping that he or you won't be too tired to play for a while in the evening.
I think you should appreciate your husband more.
A lot of mums don't have a chance to spend their time with their children simply cos they have to work too!

yes your DH has been supporting the family financially, do you tell him loudly and often how appreciative you are?

If you had employed a nanny, and she had done the "potty training and the nursery and scool runs" do you think you would be quite so full of praise for the incredible input the nanny has had in the development of your DS that you expect from your DH? I think not.

Your DH is not denigrating you, he just wants to be seen as an equal parent.

I hope you read these posts and take them on board. I hope you are not upset, as i doubt they are what you expected.

Having given this some more thought, I'm wondering whether as a SAHM you see raising your ds as your job, and feel that you aren't getting positive feedback for your efforts from your colleague (dh)?

Came back to say same thing bail did.
Hope you do read these and think about it and take it all in.
I don't think you heard what you were hoping to and hope it's for the best.

OP, you sound in danger of turning into someone who lives vicariously through their children. I'm sure you're a great mum, but you can combine other things with being a mum too, especially now your DS is in school full-time. Maybe your feelings about lack of praise from your DH means it would be a good time to think about what the next stage of your life could be.

yes lady, good point

you are not just wife and mother, OP, don't let yourself be defined by these roles

I was at work full-time with all of my DC. I am thinking I should perhaps direct a paean of praise to my CM for 'bringing up' my kids.

BTW do you appreciate what your DH does in terms of earning money so you can stay at home?

My ds is bright, kind, caring, funny, sporty, thoughtful, beautifully behaved and a wicked dancer - I like to think that all the appreciation and praise goes to him even if I am a SAHM.

Sometimes I do get compliments, but I don't expect them. Recently I complimented myself on picking up his dyslexia that nobody else had noticed - didn't crow, but told myself I'd done a good job. I don't expect dh to pat me on the back and tell me I've been a good wifey.

what work did you give up?

maybe you should go back to it now DS is school age to rebuild your self esteem.....

I am a full time working mum.

So can I not take credit for my beautiful, bright dc???

For fuck's fucking sake!

completely unreasonable. I'm with your dh on this one

So I can only imagine how insulting and unfair and bratty this sounds to your husband.

I agree with the posters above who say the children are not your project that you need praising for.