DH computer gaming is destroying our family

[noadditives]

Hi everyone, I need some advice and an outside opinion. Sorry - this will be long...

We're a young (and growing) family with an 8 year old DD and expecting a second child. I have graduated from university a year ago, and was going to look for my first job, however with number two being on the way, this won't be practical for some time now. I am therefore a stay-at-home mum, by circumstances rather than choice.

The problem is my husband (in his thirties) is a computer games addict. He was always into computer games - since his teens - and this often caused an argument between us, but recently, with role-playing games which encourage participation 24/7, it got depressingly worse. He plays hours
on end (often over 5 hours in one go, but sometimes over 10 hours), totally ignores my and DD's needs, skips meals, suffers from sleep deprivation, and is consistently late for work. Any activity that takes us away from home, and the internet, is a big irritation and an obstacle to his success in the game, which is the top priority for him right now. He blames me for 'making him' go to the supermarket and buy groceries for us (we don't drive and I can't carry much, being pregnant). He insists I login to the game and make some actions on his behalf whilst he's at work and he gets upset when I refuse to do so. He really gets seriously profoundly upset that I'm 'letting him down' (this just shows how serious and depressingly real it is for him). He went to bed at 3am the other night and woke me up to tell that his village was raided by Romans. He's known to fall asleep in somebody else's home in the middle of a family visit because of sleep deprivation, and he carries his laptop with him wherever he can. He is abusive to me and DD because we sometimes dare to distract him from his gaming with family chores, and he then openly blames us for any failures in the game that result from him being involved in family activities and away from the game.

I have confronted him a great number of times about this, and done so in no unclear terms. He apologised repeatedly and promised to get better. He keeps his word for a day or two, and then it's all back to his pathological state. His current excuse is that he will delete the game and will stop playing when baby number two is born.

I am scared to leave my DH at home even for a day if he's not at work! I know that without me in the house he will be playing non-stop until I come back (whenever that is!)

I would love to change the way things are, and for my husband to come back to our family. He's just not with us anymore. I would like him to wake up to the fact that this is not normal, and he needs to change, for his own sake and for the sake of our family. But he wouldn't admit there's a problem. He says this is the way he gets some rest and it's good fun. He doesn't let me talk to anybody about it. And who would I talk to if we never socialise? (We moved for DH's work a year ago so don't have a lot of friends at the new place). My parents are far away and I wouldn't want them to be worried when there's nothing they can do to help. His parents are very protective of their son, and I fear that if I bring it up with them they will be on his side, just like they always were, irrespective of the where the problem lies.

Should I raise it as abusive behavior with some women support organisation (don't really know who or how)? Would they be able to help? - given that he's not keen to accept any help himself at present?!

Any help or advice appreciated. Will also be glad to hear from gamers who could perhaps suggest strategies of how to cut down on gaming to reasonable levels.

Thank you all who read it to the end.

[Gobbycop]

Give him an ultimatum.

Do you want to throw away your family for a shitty computer game.

[Gobbycop]

Damn it.

Coming to the end of a 12hr nightshift.

That's my excuse for not checking thread date 😂

[searchaway]

I wonder what happened? I wonder if she left him

[AgentJohnson]

WTAF! OP in the nicest possible way you need to stop prioritising a man that sees you and his child as an option.

He’s an addict and you appear to have got your hopes pinned on him having an epiphany. Which has led to you having a second child and being financially dependent on an unreliable man.

Should I raise it as abusive behavior with some women support organisation (don't really know who or how)? Would they be able to help? - given that he's not keen to accept any help himself at present?!

Women’s Aid and related organisations aren’t there to reason with unreasonable men they are there to support women who want to get out of abusive situation.

Handwringing, putting up with his abuse, surrendering your power are choices, just not very productive or smart ones.

The balls in your court, not his because he doesn’t want to change. This isn’t fair on your kids.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Zombie!

[madcatladyforever]

I loathe compute games, xboxes, anything like that and given my time again would have made sure my son had none of these things although he's not as bad as this, he has wasted much of his talent and time as an adult on gaming.
This is as serious as alcoholism, sex addiction, gambling and things will never, ever change unless he wants to change and unless he gets help.
If he refuses to do either of these things then I'm afraid you have no choice but to leave him.