DH computer gaming is destroying our family

[noadditives]

Hi everyone, I need some advice and an outside opinion. Sorry - this will be long...

We're a young (and growing) family with an 8 year old DD and expecting a second child. I have graduated from university a year ago, and was going to look for my first job, however with number two being on the way, this won't be practical for some time now. I am therefore a stay-at-home mum, by circumstances rather than choice.

The problem is my husband (in his thirties) is a computer games addict. He was always into computer games - since his teens - and this often caused an argument between us, but recently, with role-playing games which encourage participation 24/7, it got depressingly worse. He plays hours
on end (often over 5 hours in one go, but sometimes over 10 hours), totally ignores my and DD's needs, skips meals, suffers from sleep deprivation, and is consistently late for work. Any activity that takes us away from home, and the internet, is a big irritation and an obstacle to his success in the game, which is the top priority for him right now. He blames me for 'making him' go to the supermarket and buy groceries for us (we don't drive and I can't carry much, being pregnant). He insists I login to the game and make some actions on his behalf whilst he's at work and he gets upset when I refuse to do so. He really gets seriously profoundly upset that I'm 'letting him down' (this just shows how serious and depressingly real it is for him). He went to bed at 3am the other night and woke me up to tell that his village was raided by Romans. He's known to fall asleep in somebody else's home in the middle of a family visit because of sleep deprivation, and he carries his laptop with him wherever he can. He is abusive to me and DD because we sometimes dare to distract him from his gaming with family chores, and he then openly blames us for any failures in the game that result from him being involved in family activities and away from the game.

I have confronted him a great number of times about this, and done so in no unclear terms. He apologised repeatedly and promised to get better. He keeps his word for a day or two, and then it's all back to his pathological state. His current excuse is that he will delete the game and will stop playing when baby number two is born.

I am scared to leave my DH at home even for a day if he's not at work! I know that without me in the house he will be playing non-stop until I come back (whenever that is!)

I would love to change the way things are, and for my husband to come back to our family. He's just not with us anymore. I would like him to wake up to the fact that this is not normal, and he needs to change, for his own sake and for the sake of our family. But he wouldn't admit there's a problem. He says this is the way he gets some rest and it's good fun. He doesn't let me talk to anybody about it. And who would I talk to if we never socialise? (We moved for DH's work a year ago so don't have a lot of friends at the new place). My parents are far away and I wouldn't want them to be worried when there's nothing they can do to help. His parents are very protective of their son, and I fear that if I bring it up with them they will be on his side, just like they always were, irrespective of the where the problem lies.

Should I raise it as abusive behavior with some women support organisation (don't really know who or how)? Would they be able to help? - given that he's not keen to accept any help himself at present?!

Any help or advice appreciated. Will also be glad to hear from gamers who could perhaps suggest strategies of how to cut down on gaming to reasonable levels.

Thank you all who read it to the end.

[balia]

Leave. Go to your mothers. When he notices you are gone he might grow the fuck up.

[curtaincall]

I had a friend who sounds like your DH. He spent more and more time on his Second Life so that his DW and two young children could have moved out and he would barely have noticed.

She put up with it for ages and now they are divorced. Sad, as he was/is an intelligent, engaging and interesting man. Yes, this is an addition and he needs to own up to it. A previous poster has recommended a forum for such addictions.

What a dreadful situation for you. I hope he has the sense to wake up and smell the coffee.

[sheepgomeep]

My dp has was addicted to the xbox a while ago especially blackops. It got to the point he was on line most of the night, he would be late for work and then as soon as he got in, on would go the xbox (if the kids were upstairs). It nearly destroyed us, we never talked, slept together and I resented him so much. He in turn resented me because he saw the xbox as his means of escape, relaxation and i was nagging at him to cut it down He used to be on there on the live bit talking to his online mates and then he started accepting friend requests on fb from these live people including women..

Things came to a head a few weeks ago, we had an almighty row the police were called (although nothing happened) and I kicked him out to his mums with an ultimatum: he either cuts it out or right down or he can fuck off for good.

He is back, things are much better, he helps out more and above all the xbox is no more (well ok now its once or twice a week but only for an hour or so..

Its so souls destroying, these sorts of games and I can really see why people do get addicted, I play wow but I have limits and can go of it for months.

[noadditives]

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. All valuable, and much appreciated, and yet I'm still at a loss of what do I do now...

To answer some of the questions...

No, DH is not keen to accept any help from others and does not admit there's a problem. I have suggested counselling many times, he gets irritable and says he's not a psycho and doesn't need counselling. When I pointed to a message on the forum, saying a woman with 4 kids left her DH for precisely the same reasons, he said that 'surely our situation isn't that bad!' He's in denial.

Still, I find information about strategies on giving up or cutting down the gaming useful. I'm hopeful it will come into play one day, and I want to be informed/prepared.

The game is Travian. He says he plays for free, and would never pay. I only have his word for it, but he's generally very tight, so this might be true.

Changing password with his permission would be impossible as he wouldn't agree to it. Changing it without him knowing is plain dangerous. I would basically have to pack and leave the house straight after this. The video that BornSicky posted is pretty illustrative of what effect this might have on the addicted person. Now imagine a grown-up tall man acting the same way as the teenager in the video, and you will get what I mean. Basically, there's every chance it would end with violence, and given that DD is still to young to stand up for herself, and I'm pregnant, it's a silly risk to take.

bibbitybobbityhat, I'm not aware of any specialist organisations that can help with computer games addiction. It's not considered a medical problem/condition. Unfortunately.

AmyStake, I have started a diary. I think it's a good idea. Thank you. Yes, he pretty much is the only one using his laptop (Not sure what you're getting at here).

I have talked to my mum about this recently, and she said that at least he's not an alcoholic. Thank you Mum!

cobbsie , yes he does show addictive behaviours generally - he's into computer gaming since his teens, and is rather over the top with his other hobbies too. Currently he plays another computer game, in addition to Travian, as well, and has another hobby which is his excuse not to spend time with DD. He is intelligent and very bright, but lacks social skills somewhat (doesn't know how to listen or be considerate etc) - which all means that he's more prone to escapism. Then again no one is perfect and until now I was able to tolerate and accept his imperfections. I'm not made of gold either. But right now it's different, he behaves in a totally unacceptable way most of the time, and it's unbearable.

nomedoit, and others - I have already tried ultimatums, including threatening to split up. He panics madly and is all gold for a day or two, the moment of action is gone, and in a weeks time I'm still here, and he's still playing... I'm mad at myself for not following through but he begs me not to leave and makes me feel sorry for him, so I give in. Also, by 'being good' even for a short time he reminds me of why I used to enjoy being with him so much. He's a different person when there's no laptop/internet in sight.

SpringchickenGoldBrass - we are not British, my DH is here for work, so I'm not entitled to any of the luxuries that British people take for granted. If I leave, I'd have to leave the country, which would be a massive disruption and drama for DD, and also not easy for me considering I'll have a newborn on my hands in 2 months time. I most definitely wouldn't want to leave the country before the due date, as would rather give birth here. We rent the house.

"Have you spoken to your GP?" - I was going to, about a month ago, to see GP about my stress/depression (especially in the light of possible risks to the pregnancy), and DH panicked and demanded I don't mention any of our family stuff to GP. I didn't go then. Perhaps I should.

Oh well...

Thanks again for your support, it means a lot to me.

[Inertia]

Noadditives, given that you believe your husband will be violent if he doesn't have access to his game, you should definitely be explaining the situation to your GP and midwife. They might be able to offer the practical support you are going to need. And if you are at risk of violence you are suffering from abusive behaviour- have you thought about contacting Women's Aid for advice?

Serious question here- what child care provison do you have in place for your daughter when you go into labour? It doesn't sound as though your husband will be willing to stop gaming to take you to hospital- you'll probably need to consider the practicalities of this.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

Definitely speak to Women's Aid: they will be able to advise you about your legal rights if you are leaving your H because of his abuse. And this man is abusive. If you try to restrict his computer gaming he becomes aggressive and you are afraid of him: that's abuse and you should not have to put up with it.

[Eurostar]

You seem to be giving your DH total power. Putting up with his addiction, not speaking to your GP for support when your own health and mental health are at risk. Is this something to do with this not being your home country so you feel less confident here or do you think you would be the same in your home country?
Your DH sounds like an addict, addicts are deeply selfish, if you need support ask for it, he has no right to control you like this because he is too scared to face the real world. I'm amazed he wanted a second child given his behaviour.

[shesgotherlipstickon]

If you think he is violent when he dosent get his fix. You need to speak to your Mw and leave if he doesnt get help.

What happens when he is looking after your eldest when you are in hospital. No time for constant gaming then, kids are very demanding. Will he lash out?

Going from one to two is bloody hard work. No sleep and you still have to stay awake in the day with the other child. Will he lash out at the baby?

It's extreme but very serious. I have read several stories where people have killed their children in temper due to gaming addiction and temper and the adrenaline rush it brings. Here and abroad.

Google it and if he still says it's not serious, get your Mw and wa to help.

[FlubbaBubba]

Travian isn't an adrenalin type game though. It is fairly calm (strategy based really), but involves a lot of raiding and defending if he's serious, which he clearly is. OP can I refer you again to my post of FlubbaBubba Fri 17-Jun-11 18:37:47 as there are ways to reduce his playing time, if he gives a shit enough about your family.

Do you know which server(s) he's on? There is an 'end game' period which I could find out for you - it'll give you an idea of when his next game is likely to finish (which would be a good time to start slowing down or stepping away) if at all possible.

I would be surprised if he plays for free - I do, but I am genuinely one of very, very few players who do, and I don't play all that seriously.

[shesgotherlipstickon]

It's all adrenalin based. If you can't get on, you can't do xyz. Your little pixallated world will crash and burn.

You can meet your clan/guild/friends for raids, events, pixel shooting.

It all releases the same rush, when it's an addiction.

It does happen, google it, be it WoW, 2nd life, 360. It's a very real issue, out of proportion violence when addicts get taken away from their virtual world,

OP has already said she daren't get in the way of his gaming as it would lead to violence. Some one with this level of addiction is abusive, dangerous and cutting down isn't an option.

It's like giving an alcoholic "one for the road". She needs help from her MW, not pacifying him more in this behaviour by enabling it.

[FlubbaBubba]

I'm not saying getting his fix isn't adrenalin-fuelling, but the game itself is slow paced and fairly sedate with static graphics etc

[cestlavielife]

" DH panicked and demanded I don't mention any of our family stuff to GP. I didn't go then. Perhaps I should"

you fear a violent reaction if you stop his acccess to his game.

yes you should go, tell GP, tell midwife. speak to womens aid.

(my exP was all "dont tell anyone" "this is for family to sort out" - totally different reasons (his self harming at the time) but same underlying issues)

you are at risk here and so is your DD and soon to be baby.

speak to your embassy/consulate? about what support you could get?

[JanMorrow]

Gosh this sounds awful. Whilst he is playing this game, what are you getting from the relationship?

I would say show him this thread, or if you don't want to do that, edit some of what you've written and show him that. He needs to know how it is effecting you.

And when you talk to him, don't just threaten to leave, DO IT, even if it's just for a couple of days. It might shock him into changing.

[AmyStake]

Sorry I didn't phrase my earlier question very well, I meant to ask does he only use it for gaming? As in does he take the laptop out with you so he can game at other people's houses?

Flubba - with Travian different servers are on different periods of time aren't they? What would be stopping him from joining another server and starting again once his had finished?

[thisisyesterday]

you still don't know what to do?

this man is so addicted that you fear his violence if you were to prevent him from playing?

you need a bigger, better ultimatum if you wish to stay with ihm. that is, you stay OR the computer stays. he either gets rid of the computer entirely and all internet access or else you leave

quite frankly if it were me I would be packing my bags and going home.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

HI NA,

re this-

"Have you spoken to your GP?" - I was going to, about a month ago, to see GP about my stress/depression (especially in the light of possible risks to the pregnancy), and DH panicked and demanded I don't mention any of our family stuff to GP. I didn't go then. Perhaps I should".

There is no perhaps I should about it, you should go to the GP and tell this person everything about your H's computer addiction. Get this problem out into the real world and seek help for yourself. It is very real and you are in a potentially dangerous situation now.

If you issue an ultimatum you must always follow it through. Not doing so has given him more ammo to use against you and you remain stuck. The same old cycle continues though; he says sorry and promises much, you end up feeling sorry for him but a day or so later the whole computer gaming addiction not surprisingly raises its ugly head again. Actions speak louder than words and words are cheap.

Ultimately you may well have to leave him and legally separate. That will not be your fault if that happens.

What is he going to be like when child no 2 is born?. He'll be too busy gaming to consider any of you, he's not considering any of you at all now. He does not see this as a problem when it clearly is; addicts can do denial very well as you are seeing.

Where's your actual tipping point?.

I would also ask you what you are actually getting out of this relationship now.

You really want to teach these children that your relationship now is any kind of ideal role model for them to look up to?.

[FlubbaBubba]

Yes Amy the different servers start and finish at different times, so he could just start another as soon as one has finished (and I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't playing a few servers at one time), but my point was that, if he is even remotely interested in tackling this problem, then one way could be to cut back by playing fewer servers (ideally just one), and a 'slower' server.

disclaimer: I started my input on this thread with no real sense of the proper addiction side of things, and have since read other posters' posts saying how dangerous this can get, so I understand that my approach may be too 'softly softly' in this case

[noadditives]

Amy - "does he only use laptop for gaming? As in does he take the laptop out with you so he can game at other people's houses?" Yes he uses it to play at other people's houses.

[AmyStake]

noadditives :(

That's pretty serious. What happens if you ask him not to take his laptop with him where you go? Is he capable of leaving it or would he go mad?

I second the suggestion that he needs to go to see his GP, although I know from your OP that he won't. This needs to be stopped now before it gets worse. Are his parents aware of the extent of the situation? Could they talk to him?

[schmarn]

So if he claims that he doesn't have a problem, ask him to show you that he can go a week without playing it. When he fails, tell him to see a counsellor. If he refuses, tell him to leave. It really is as simple as that.

You cannot go on suffering with this behaviour. You are basically living with another child.

[waterrat]

no additives - can you see that each time you allow him to go back on his promise - you are enabling his addiction, I know how hard it is when you love someone, but when you let him slide back, after a couple of days of good behaviour - that is not helping him. You say that he will behave for a short time, then go back to the awful unpleasant behaviour - you have just got to go through with your very clear promises - ie. if he does not get help and accept this is a problem, then your marriage is over, until he does. If he is capable of stopping for a couple of days, then he knows somewhere inside, that what he is doing is wrong. BUT - it is no help to anybody if you allow him to live like this. It is not you breaking up the relationship - it is him. Think of it this way - this man needs serious help. As long as you allow him to live with his addiction he will do so. If this was heroin, and you were letting him inject each day because you wanted him to return to normal - you wouldn't be helping him - it wouldn't be the way to get him to change would it?

On top of the addiction his behaviour to you is absolutely appalling - he is failing as a father, as a partner - you cannot go on living like this. You need to confront the truth, which is he is not going to suddenly change. I know that is what you want - but sadly it's not going to happen. This man is only going to change (if he is) when he is forced to confront the reality of the situation - at the moment neither of you quite want to look it in the eye.

I have to say, from the way you describe him, he sounds as though he must have more problems than just the addiction - surely it can't just be gaming that makes him so unpleasant to you? Is it really that character altering? I don't know the answer - only you do. I suggest you start putting plans in place for childcare and show him the door until he serioulsy gets help.

[noadditives]

Amy - no, I don't think parents are aware of the extent of the problem. I mentioned before that they are very protective of their son, and the way I see it, they're just always on his side. They probably want to believe, just like any other parents, that 'everybody's fine': en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Everybody's_Fine_(2009_film)

However his mum is visiting us in a week, for a couple of days, and I do wonder what will happen, i.e. will DH refrain, will she notice, etc etc... Will have to wait and see.

schmarn - good plan, thanks. Except I can't ask him to leave because he pays all the bills. We rent.

waterrat - I do feel that it's the role-playing games that took the problem to the level that I can't cope with. There may be deeper issues but I didn't feel the need to 'fix' them.

Important question: How would I go about counselling? Where would I request this? Should I/we go to GP describing the situation and asking whether they can offer counselling? Would it take a long time for them to arrange it? Or should I go to Relate (saw mentions about it here on MN in another thread). I'm not familiar with how things work in the UK with regards to this... Thanks again.

[Smolbeanlizzie]

I'm sorry, but us nobody gonna consider his side? I have depression, anxiety, eating disorders. (dysphoria doesn't help) and gaming was often my escape. I could be whoever I wanted. I met friends who are still with me today. Perhaps he suffers from depression? The sleep situation could be because he doesn't see the point in waking up in the morning, he may not eat because of the sense of "I'm full, I don't need to eat" that your brain creates to reasure you that you are the only sane one here. Taking away his games won't solve the problem, it'll make it worse.

[WhereAreMyPants]

I’m pretty sure this has been resolved by now, the thread is 9 years old!