How far so you live from your parents?

[pilgrimway]

I'm an only so no other support for ageing parents. They are fine and independent now but am thinking long term and what if they need more help on 5-10 years.

Currently live 2 hours away. Thinking of moving another 45 minutes away but not sure if this is a wise thing to do.

Got two young children so not that easy to get up to parents.

Two hours is just about doable in a day. Two 45 maybe not so.

Any thoughts on this? Experiences?

[Alonglongway]

Moved close to my parents cos once they start needing you, it gets very intense. They had some illness just before we moved and we had a horrible time rushing to and fro. The move tied in with break point in kids' education - wouldn't have done it sooner

[galaxypearl]

I live 25 mins on the train now, I used to live 15 mins walk away which was brilliant when dcs were younger. When my youngest was born I was living 2 hours by train from them and I made the decision to move to live closer to them. I like living close to them, we have a strong relationship and although I have siblings I know I'd want to help out in person when they grow older and more frail. I have been ill myself and my parents helped me out a lot so I feel it's only fair that I should do the same when they will need me.

[MissDuke]

Myself and both my siblings all live within 10 mins of our parents. I could never move away from my family. That seems to be the 'norm' within the region that I live - all of my friends live near their parents and all of my children's friends are looked after from time to time by grandparents (in other words the down side is that the grandparents are getting shafted with childcare duties )

[teacher54321]

We live 20 mins from ILs and 1hr 15mins from mine. Wouldn't want to live any further away from either set.

[CoffeeBreakIn5]

I live in the same town as my parents, about 10 minutes away. MIL lives around 20 mins away, she moved there to live with her DM when she needed care, but she hopes Tom move to where we are.

I've never wanted to move too far from my parents, especially since having children. I've found it's a double edged sword though as being on hand when they need me (and vice versa of course!) is great but then they make rash decisions and live very differently to me which causes issues. I'm not the most laid back person which I hate and we do have 'words' quite a lot which is always my fault. I think I get frustrated and feel a bit smothered sometimes.

If you're 2 hours away, 45 minutes won't make a lot of difference. It sounds like they're managing fine anyway at an age where a lot of elderly people can't manage already. If 45 minutes makes a difference to your lives then I'd do it.

[SallyGinnamon]

We live 5 mins from DM but 2.5 hours from PIL and are in the process of moving them up here now.

PIL live in a village so one village shop and a rare and irregular bus service. At the moment neither can drive so it's been a nightmare for them. It upsets me that I can't do anything to help but I'm now working so am stuck.

We discussed them moving here about 10 years ago which would have given them time to establish a social life and do up a house to their standards but FIL didn't want to. Now they're more frail so it'll be harder work all round.

[Penhacked]

Live a shorthaul flight away. Used to live 2hrs 45 away and miss that. But honestly you can't routinely do that in an evening, and either distance is fine for the weekend, so just move.

[TizzyDongue]

Different country. None of my siblings live closer than a three hour drive. Worries me at times.

[ThomasHardyPerennial]

About 6 hours (400 miles), it was their decision to move further away. I have to remember that when I start feeling guilty about not seeing them more often!

[dudsville]

I'm 22 hours door to door. We're thinking of building an extension to give them a room here.

[Icequeen01]

My mum lives next door! Sadly MIL is now in a home 2 hours away but we visit every week.

[Friolero]

About 20 minutes walk

[PettsWoodParadise]

5 mins walk. I am an only too.,My mother couldn't live independently without extra support we are able to give. I can pop in some supplies to her on my way home from work etc. I can attend appointments with her. DH can take her to RNLI lunches etc. She has great neighbours but there is only so much they can do. It's little things like putting up and away the Christmas tree - not life and death but brings her joy. When she has bad spells we can check her fridge has stuff and make up an extra plate for her. She pops in for lunch but due to poor health is easily tired and happy to go home after and as she is nearby that is no problem. If we ever moved away it would have to be to a house with a granny annexe now and that would be less ideal for her as she loves her independence.

[EllaHen]

About 2.5 miles as the crow flies. A ten minute drive. They moved to be closer to me when they retired. My sister is about 30 minutes away.

[EllaHen]

Oh, and my brothers are far away.

[TheElephantofSurprise]

Mother died. Father lives ten minute walk away and is physically capable but not sociable so relies on me to visit for two hours most days. This has gone on for three years, since my mother died. I am not sure I can face it for another twenty.

[wonkylegs]

300 ish miles away - my parents are divorced.
mum is ill and my brother & I are trying to manage her care between us, we've got her a fab home help and she has some great friends but it is hard. I speak to her everyday and visit when I can. It's particularly hard because we've never had a good relationship (she's been a shit mum & granny) , so apart from feeling sorry for her and wanting to show my kids a good example its hard to 'want' to help her.

[VeritysWatchTower]

We were originally 150 miles away from both sets of parents but it would take us far longer to travel home because of the route. Roughly around a 3 hour journey.

My Mum begged us to move closer after we had Ds1. We did, we now live 50 miles away, so 1 hour's drive. This was primarily down to job availability.

Despite the move we didn't see either set of parents as much as we had hoped due to the busy nature of both their lives and ours. So it was just like before with a shorter commute to them. However, this did change when my Mum retired and was available in the week.

Sadly this was short lived as she died a few years after retiring. My MIL also died which leaves the male relatives. One is involved, one hardly at all.

[WaltzingMaScubadiver]

I'm also an only, parents exact same age as yours. We moved a significant distance a year or so to be closer to them, and I'm really glad we did- currently we're a 15/20 min drive, we were seven hours away.

Difference being, DH and I are both from here, though we'd lived and worked in London for years, his parents are from here, and we can both work here (though jobs not as plentiful or well paid). We had already agreed to move back in the next five years, basically before any children started school (currently TTC) but an unexpectedly good job came up for me so we went early.

In the first month we were back, my mum was diagnosed with cancer. The whole process- the treatments, being able to go see her specialist with her, being able to check my dad was ok-was not something I could have coped with at a distance. Initially, it seemed the prognosis was bad, and I really did fall to pieces (a bad prognosis with her type of cancer could have meant losing her within a year). She has recovered, but is generally a bit weaker. They've both aged quite a bit through the shock of it, and there were a few scares which involved travelling to A and E, which at the time I was able to do in ten minutes.

I'd assume your parents have quite a number of years in good health, and don't mean to scare you, but it's worth considering what you'd do in a worst case scenario. There's not a big difference between 2hrs and 2h45- if, say, you wanted to go to a doctors appointment you could still take a day off, but you couldn't do it in an afternoon. You can't 'pop in'.

Is there direct public transport? Are they able to come to you currently? At the moment, your day-to-day would be improved if you moved further away- presume you visit your parents x times a year. How many times would you want to visit if one had a stroke, or a sudden health need? Is there any scenario where they would want to move closer to you? If you move now, then want to be somewhere with a granny flat in ten years time, could you move again easily?

My MIL is in her sixties and calls into her own mother, who is ninety and living independently, every day. It is entirely possible your parents won't need any additional support for twenty years. However I was shocked by how much I needed to be close to my mother when she got sick- I'm normally v pragmatic, but I just couldn't have coped with the distance. My main lesson from that is to seriously think through a whole list of worst case scenarios, what you'd want/be able to do in each one, if the new location will change their impact much and what their likelihood is. In reality, I can't see an extra 45 min making that much difference in terms of how likely you are to visit, or how much time it will take. It will still be a day trip. But there may be other considerations.

[Purplebluebird]

My mum is dead, but I live in a different country to my dad :( (He's home in Norway where I'm from). I want to move back there when I can, so that I can help him out in old age. Thankfully he's healthy and in his 50s now, so I'm in no rush :)

[crookedhooker]

About 5 doors and a road. Certainly wasn't planned like that but we live in a good area and my house was a bargain even in 2003.

DM is fantastic though and has set no interference boundaries herself she only comes when invited. Due to circumstances beyond our control and the fact my health issues have worsened considerably since then it worked out well.

[KitKats28]

ThomasHardyPerennial I have the same issues. My parents lived abroad for my dad's job, and when they retired back to the UK, they decided to live 6 hours away from where we were already living. Twenty years ago, that was fine, but now they are getting older, and I'm an only, I can see it becoming much more of an issue. Like you though, I don't feel guilty, as it was their choice, and it's still their choice. I just tell them I won't be there to help look after them, especially as I'm disabled and can't just hop on the train.

My inlaws live two hours away but my SIL who works in a care home, lives with them, so I don't have the same worries for them.

I think looking after elderly parents, or having them live with you, will become less and less realistic. People my age will be working full time into their late 60s, as well as having adult children at home who can't afford to move out. Short of everyone having enough money to buy three-generation houses, it isn't sustainable in the long term.

[WhatHaveIFound]

I'm 50mins away on a good day (the worst trip took 2hrs due to traffic) but even that can be a bit much sometimes. I did it every day for 5 weeks last year when my DM was in hospital and was dead on my feet at the end of it.

I'm sure it's going to get worse as they get older but they don't want to move closer to us.

[Needmoresleep]

Roughly 2.5 hours. My parents moved away from Surrey commuter belt to the south coast about 25 years ago.

I have been doing regular trips since my father became ill 8 years ago. Essentially through DCs teenage years. He died but my mother has dementia. I can expect to face another 6 years, so it has been important to find a workable solution.

It is possible for a day trip but is really that bit too long. Especially if you factor in the time needed to get my mum up and out.

Things that have helped:

1. Sheltered housing, or in my mums case, very sheltered housing. Not least it is wonderful to have someone else there who takes the first call and deals with emergencies. Plus it means she is in a community, near the shops, and can opt in for lunch. And is much cheaper than a home. Really worth thinking about early, as soon as one parent becomes ill.
   

1. Identify somewhere to stay should there be an emergency, or should you have to spend more time there. We finally bought a small flat near the beach, which we holiday let to recoup costs. (Its worked out better than that, as it was funded by an equity loan from my mum so she is getting a better than market return on savings, and we pay less than for a commercial loan. It is repayable on demand, but we then refinance or sell the flat.) It has allowed us to refocus our lives so we naturally spend more time down there. I may go down on a Thursday for an appointment, then DH takes the train down on a Friday evening and we drive back together. Simply dashing down fr day trips, meant was always tired and in a hurry when I saw my mother. If my ILs become ill we would probably try to identify some out of season holiday accommodation which we could rent regularly at a reduced price.
   

1. My mum has a beach hut. It's not used much but is somewhere for me to sit, have a break or read a book in between appointments. An hour or so of me-time, in a day of chores and 5 hours in the car is surprisingly valuable.
   

1. My mum has a really good carer who she employs directly and the carer has a number of friends able to form a rota should there be an emergency. The carer now takes my mum to a lot of routine appointments which is a huge burden lifted.
   

1. There is a taxi account. Even if I drive down, it is useful to take my mother to the dentist and hospital in a taxi, as parking for both can be really difficult. The account can obviously be used by carers as well.
   

1. Google maps. Timing is everything when getting in and out of London. Now I have somewhere to stay I often leave late the night before rather than very early in the morning. Looking at alternative routes when on my way back into London must have saved me hours.
   

The distance is a pain, but is balanced by much better services for the elderly on the south coast, and lower costs, plus the remains of church and other supportive social links. We are lucky that there is a good train from where we live in central London, though peak times are expensive. DH is really supportive, but this is helped by the fact that with a base on the south coast he decided to follow the local football club, and now goes to matches, and calls in on my mum, without me.