someone pushed 4 yr old ds today. What should I do?

[MrPinkerton]

Ds week 3 of Reception, doing okish settling in I suppose, however, here and there kids can be a bit 'unpleasant'. So someone shoved him out of the way in the loos today and DP wants me to phone his teacher NOW and tell her.

He is our pfb, in case you were wondering!

Would you phone - I feel a bit embarrassed and maybe like I'm a bit overprotective doing this?

Or not or what?

[Blu]

OK MrP - glad you are feeling calmer.

We know what it's like...sending them out into the big bad and all! But please, read the posts in detail. Had your DP not asked about the scratch, your DS would not have mentioned it - because it was not an issue to him. By mentioning it, you make it an issue - and 4 year olds think that they must answer questions from adults, even if they don't actually know the answer! So they DO often say off the cuff things because they think that an answer, any answer, is what the adult wants, it certainly doesn't make them 'liars', they are trying to be helpful, in providing an answer. it's just a stage. He may well have been scratche by a little girl or he may he may not know what scratched him, but it obviously was of no consequence (to him) until he was asked.

We are offering tough love here - no-one wants you to look like a loon

[Blu]

LOL at the sticker scheme at Frogs' old school - I read as far as 'sticker' and thought "oh God, that would attract the full wannabe cast of Casualty victims, then, with all of them doing their best to get a sticker!"

DS is a weedy child and not generally described as 'boistrous', but would have been deeply hooked into the melodrama of being labelled 'the walking wounded' with a first aid sticker!

[MrPinkerton]

I have read all these posts carefully. But I'm back for some more mn wisdom please.

Dp is furious and planning to give the teacher merry hell in the morning if I intend to be 'passive' about this situation - ie I told him I'd rather find ways to equip ds with strategies to deal with 'rough housing' than running to the teacher on his behalf (see, I was paying attention to you all).

Trouble is I don't know how to . EXAMPLE, at the softplay place that DP took him to after school, ds went to play with two slightly bigger boys. A while later DP saw these boys bashing a gate against ds so it was hitting him. BUT DS didn't say 'STOP doing that' (as I've tried to teach him) NOR even just walk off. He just froze and didn't know what to do. So these lads carried on.

I know may be an over anxious loon and all the rest of it, but I'm really quite stumped. Ds in other ways is normal, lovely, sweet, bright little boy. How can I get him to stick up for himself??

[pudding25]

In my school, we have to do playground duty once a week. When I was pregnant with dd, I was scared to be out there! There are all manic, running around, banging into each other, falling over, tripping up, blaming each other... that is what children do.

However, when dd starts school -if anyone dares touch her...

[thisisyesterday]

will your dp read this thread?

[MrPinkerton]

no I won't show him this thread. I think we both look like utter nutters on it

anyway nobody is telling me HOW I can get ds to stick up for himself more. I think thats the real problem for me.

[thisisyesterday]

no, I think your real problem is how to stop your dp storming into school and making a twit of himself lol

[TheFallenMadonna]

Does he need to stick up for himself? Is he being picked on specifically? Or has he just been caught up in a bit of a jostle. Sorry if you've said and I've missed it. Your problem, I think, is knowing when to leave him to it, and when to intervene.

[HuwEdwards]

I actually think your son is dealing quite well with it, he's not complaining nor hysterical, distressed or upset. he's quietly finding his way around this thing of schoolground politics.

You as parents need to take a leaf from his book.

[hecate]

do nothing.

Kids push. If your husband goes into school wailing that his son got a shove, he's going to look like a twat.

Teach your son to tell people to not do stuff to him. Just have conversation after conversation and role play and reciting whatever it is you want him to say - "NO. Do NOT push me." or what have you.

Would go with repeated role play, and maybe enroll him in a confidence building activity - like karate!!!

[frogs]

Role play it with him. Along the lines of:

"Sometimes other children get a bit over-excited and push or hit other children. What do you think you should do if that happens to you?"

And then practice with him whatever response you and he feel fits the situation best. You can pretend to thump him, or push him out of the way, or call him a silly name, and he can practice his response.

You may have to keep reinforcing it -- it's kind of the opposite of what I have to do with my dd2 who is the same age, and sometimes needs her behaviour toning down quite significantly so that other kids (and staff, tbh) don't find her too 'in your face'. We spend a lot of time discussing how we should use words not actions when people say or do things we don't like, blah blah. Even now I still find myself saying 6 or 7 times a day, "Please don't shout at me/throw things/lie on the floor screaming, take a deep breath and talk to me sensibly".

Work out a routine for him to deal with physically or verbally confrontational situations and then practise it until it's coming out of your ears, and reinforce at every opportunity: "Goodness, do you see those big boys shouting and pushing each other, that's a bit silly isn't it, what would you do if that happened to you?"

You end up sounding a bit like Joyce Grenfell on Prozac, but it does work.

[notnowbernard]

lol Frogs!

Great advice

[MrPinkerton]

very good Frogs thankyou. I do some of that with him, but will do more and more.

Dp now getting on my wick. He is making two smallish incidents which as Huw says did not upset ds particularly into a farking soap opera.

[SixSpotBurnet]

Frogs

[SaintGeorge]

Ask DP if he wants his son to be a mouse of a man.

I know which way he is likely heading if your DP carries on with his current attitude.

[SaintGeorge]

OR

Doesn't make a lot of sense otherwise, sorry

[WeDoTheWeirdStuff]

go look in religion stgeorge

[SaintGeorge]

[WeDoTheWeirdStuff]

[MrPinkerton]

we have thought about Karate Hecate!

I don't think ds will become a mouse! He's very butch most of the time. He just doesn't get the pushing/shoving stuff. Yet.

[Chandra]

No karate at this age sorry, they can not yet grasp the use-of-violence-as-an-absolute last-result philosophy. You will spend all the time trying to explain why he is allowed to hit other children from 5 to 6 but not form 9 to 3:30.

[MrPinkerton]

Chandra I don't think the sensei's teach this age group to be violent (or any age really?), it's more self respect, self control...I think.

[Chandra]

at the time they are dreaming with superheroes they don't think much about philosophies. I have spent last week seeing children wacking each other as a game which has only being ocurring since they joined their karate class a month ago.

If you find a push too much... wait until you see the proverbial flying kick on the ribs!

[AbbeyA]

I have read through all the posts on here and think that reception teachers must have to have the patience of saints!
I have 3 DSs, they play fight, that is what they like to do. They don't mean anything by it!
You need to separate general rough and tumble from bullying. As long as your DS isn't unduly upset there is nothing to worry about.
If you do want to contact the teacher it is much better to have a quiet word in passing rather than a phone call.
I would keep any complaints for important things, otherwise you are like the boy who called wolf. If you give her 'merry hell'for every jostle she will avoid you (as will the rest of the staff)and you won't be taken seriously when it matters.