someone pushed 4 yr old ds today. What should I do?

[MrPinkerton]

Ds week 3 of Reception, doing okish settling in I suppose, however, here and there kids can be a bit 'unpleasant'. So someone shoved him out of the way in the loos today and DP wants me to phone his teacher NOW and tell her.

He is our pfb, in case you were wondering!

Would you phone - I feel a bit embarrassed and maybe like I'm a bit overprotective doing this?

Or not or what?

[lulumama]

but how do you know? unless you are in the playground with him? pushing, rough housing, a bit of rough and tumble is normal , especially with younger children who are not able to keep a lid on things .. it is different to a child doing something maliciously, with intent, deliberately to your child, that is bullying, whereas a shove is just that..'you are in my way, does not matter who you are, so i am pushing you'

scratching is not nice, but agian, normal

i am sorry you feel so upset, but if you speak to the teacher every time this happens, you will be in daily!!

it is hard when your child is hurt, i understand,but the teacher cnanot stop every push and shove and scratch

[laughalot]

Mrpinkerton are you for real ? This is all part of growing up im afraid. My ds was up untill a few months ago a pusher which we have had to deal with. I dont want to sound awful but what if your child did something to provoke the girl to scratch him ? I am afraid they cannot be wrapped in cotton wool forever. My ds had had scrathes, bruises all part of being a normal boy at school.

[lulumama]

i think cory and blu have posted really excellent advice.

[laughalot]

Are you one of those mums who thinks your child is a angel ?

[wheresthehamster]

She could have been putting her coat on and caught him wth the zip....

If your ds is upset about these things when they happen the best thing you can tell him to do is to speak to an adult. Let them sort it out.

[Niecie]

Children push and shove, it is what they do.

If you are of a nervous disposition, don't live next door to a school, as I do, and watch them at play time. They push and shove each other all the time. (I was having a look as DS2 has just started too and I was being nosy).

If it is bullying and happens again, then yes of course talk to the teacher but otherwise stay out of it.

Teach your child what to do if they are scared or hurt by the pushing, i.e. tell the teacher, so that they can help your DS there and then.

[Trafficcone]

Have it your way love. Your son is going to be at this school 6 years. Teachers talk. You'll be forever marked out as the over protective loony and your son will be treated accordingly.
In schools where there are 2 or more classes per year, deciding who goes in which class can often be a bargaining exercise and problem children or children of problem parents are the ones that teachers have to worry about.
Scenario,
Teacher 1: "I'll swap you the bully who swears at TAs for the one with the lunatic smother mother"
Teacher 2: "Nah, I'll stick with the thug, at least his Mum doesn't bother the fuck out of me every day before and after school like Pinkertons Mum does"
Get the picture?

It's a bloody scratch!! Give the kid a kiss and go about your business! If it was so bad, why did it take your Dh so long to even notice it?

[Chandra]

Well... you know... at that time everyone is trying to get their own children civilised but they still have some very primary (and uncontrollable) urges.

If it happens constantly I understand, but it is only a push, one in 3 weeks that's actually a fantastic record..

[frogs]

If he only mentioned the scratch when your dh asked him about it, it obviously wasn't that serious to him.

Children with much older brothers and sisters have a hugely higher tolerance level for rough and tumble play -- my 4yo dd2 will happily rugby-tackle her 9yo brother to the ground and sit on his head. He's completely up for this kind of thing, so I spend quite a lot of time at the park on Saturday morning watching the two of them wrestling in the mud and leaves, ignoring the tutting and disapproval of parents whose oldest child is the age of my youngest, and who clearly think my dc should be playing nicely on the swings or something. As long as it doesn't look likely to end with a trip to A&E and nobody is getting upset, I leave them to it. Both have enough bruises to keep an entire social services department busy, but they do love a good playfight.

You've been told before, but it clearly needs repeating -- this is normal. If your ds comes home upset about someone targeting him systematically, that is the time to take action, although only after you've asked your child, 'and what did you do to him?' which can be quite revealing.

Honestly, a scratch is nothing. Even a bite or a bruise is nothing. If your child is deliberately scratched or bitten several times in succession, and is clearly upset about it, then you go to the teacher, and you know she will take you seriously because you haven't over-reacted to the small things.

[SaintGeorge]

Picture this incident from our school at lunchtime today. Foundation Class. 3 children come to me at First Aid point.

Boy1 (PFB), slight scratch to forehead, claims Boy2 did it deliberately.

Boy2, (2 older siblings) no visible marks, says nothing happened.

Boy3 (1 older sibling), red mark on knee, can't recall what happened until hears Boy1's account then remembers Boy2 did it deliberately.

Dinner Lady (siblings unknown ) witnessed what actually happened.

Boy3 was running, tripped over a stone and slammed into the back of Boy2 who went flying and hit his head on a wall. Boy3 yelled and threw his arms above his head, accidentally catching Boy1 on the forehead.

Boy2 was the more seriously hurt, despite no marks, but saw it as rough and tumble and laughed it off. No one did anything deliberately, it was a simple accident described by three 4 year olds.

A perfectly normal incident and pretty normal reactions from all three kids.

I know exactly which parent will be there tomorrow to complain.

[Chandra]

Children, like clothes, get some wear and tear you know... If we get as we get to adulthood is because we have gone through childhood or teenage even!

[cory]

Are you sure a scratch has got to be that nasty? Seems to me the sort of thing that might easily happen in the heat of the game without any particular viciousness involved.

Have known a lot of kids over the years and scratches are the sort of thing that seem to happen all the time when children play.

[frogs]

At my dc's old primary school they started up a system of stickers to let parents know when children had received First Aid at school. They had to abandon it pretty promptly when it turned out that the children (okay, the boys ) were deliberately running into each other and into walls in order to go to the medical room and get a sticker. Even the ones who'd managed to draw blood on themselves thought it was a good wheeze.

ROFL

That's what children are like -- not all, but lots.

[cory]

MrPinkerton on Wed 24-Sep-08 17:39:21
"lulumama that's just it, he just doesn't push anyone about."

Now that is precisely what ds's friend's Mum was saying. "I know my little boy, he doesn't push." And it was what the other little boy's Mum said too.

Saint George's anecdote is extremely revealing!!!

[Turniphead1]

You need to RELAX a lot. Both you and your DP sound massively over-anxious. If you aren't careful, that anxiety will transfer to your DS. Listen to the advice to date. It is very sound.

And - you will note no one thinks you have every right to be in up in arms. On MN, that usually means you are being unreasonable (I know you haven't posted on AIBU - but the principle is the same).

[MrPinkerton]

thanks again for the replies. Have scanned through them quickly as doing tea but I get the gist.

ds back now with dp, perfectly happy as it goes. Scratch minor (not that any of you lot bloody cared - joke).

Well hurrummphing less now. Don't wish to have embarrassing rep as a total loon. Hopefully can teach ds to stand up for hoimself a little better.

thanks all

[CarGirl]

sometimes dc just want a bit of sympathy and off load at the end of the day. The skill is to learn how to listen, empathise and then brush it off afterwards when your feeling sad about it and they've happily moved onto something else feeling fine and dandy having off loaded it all onto Mum/Dad etc.

[cory]

Good to see you are feeling better.

The trick of course is to stand up for himself without himself getting into trouble iyswim. Perhaps the school has some strategies for this. Ds's infants school were very good at teaching the children to look out for one another and help any child who was hurt or upset to a responsible adult. (though I suppose it must have taken them a little more than 3 weeks to teach the new kids this). Worked really well as it didn't put the whole burden on the victim- and at the same time taught everybody that they had to be gentle.

[cory]

CarGirl is wise. I have found this too. Have also found that if I get too interested and hands-on, this makes them less keen to confide in me next time.

[debs40]

This is a great exchange of posts which really hit home to me!

I have been there and done that with the school about playground injuries. I'm sure they think I'm an overanxious mum because of it.

What I have learnt is:

(i) Your beloved child is NEVER perfect - not to say they have done anything wrong in this instant but they will. School has that effect. Other children with older brothers and sisters are more street wise and your child will change and will do things without you that you don't like. There is a pack mentality in the playground too. As many posters have said, there are large numbers of very small children running around. They have to learn to deal with each other. That is life. Other children are not 'bad' if they push etc, they are learning how to behave.

(ii) Finding the line between protecting your child and being a pain is really hard. Teachers have a really tough job but if it concerns you, you can speak to the teacher and should do. The way you do it is important. Constructive and not judgmental is best. You can say you are worried about pushing and shoving and understand that the children are adapting but that your little one was a bit upset so it might be worth reminding ALL the children about how to behave.

Anyway, I hope it isn't too stressful for you. It is a massive adjustment when they start school.

[Troutpout]

oh gosh...don't worry i was the queen of over anxious mothers when my (also pfb) ds first went to school.
I wept and wailed in a friends house when ds came home with a black eye 'but i told him school would be an adventure!!!!'

He'll be ok really he will

[Troutpout]

oh god and yeah...v wise guru words from cargirl.

[compo]

the pushing might have been a child desperate not to wet himself at that age

[peanutbutterkid]

When DS1 was in reception someone knocked into and ruined his elaborate Lego model. Naturally, DS pushed the other lad's head (hard) into a radiator -- yes, the school did have words with me about that one. . Luckily his mum just laughed the incident off. We had the other lad around for a amicable playdate a year or two later.

[scrambledhead]

I've been through something similar with DS1 but as it happens so has half the bloody class.

I did speak with the teacher for the 2nd time last night when he came out with 2 bruised and grazed knees having been "on the receiving end" for the 4th time in 2 weeks.

There is clearly a problem with the individual concerned and after so many complaints the school is doing something about it and getting extra supervision at playtimes. So I'm glad I (and the other parents) raised it. If none of us had then nothing would be done. The boy in question needs some help by the sound of it.

It's such a fine line though between protecting your baby and being a smother mother.