My DD HAD to draw a daddy?!?!? I don't think she questioned it but I still feel sad

[MascaraOHara]

dd: "mummy yesterdya at school I had to draw a daddy"
me: "but you don't have a daddy, why did you have to draw a daddy, did tell you to?"
dd: "yes we haded to draw a mummy and a daddy in our picture"
me: "OK, so did you just drawme then"
dd: "no"
me: "did you tell that you don't have a daddy?"
dd: "no"
me : "oh, ok, what did you do then?"
dd: "I drew a man watching TV"



So I'm guessing that that teacher asked them to draw a picture of their mummy and daddy.. I think she should have actually said either

a) draw a picture of the people who look after you

or

b) draw a picture of your family

I feel very sad for dd.

I don't want to devalue the concept of a two parent family of course I think it's important but circumstances are what they are and I think the teacher should have been more thoughtful.

My 6yo shouldn't have to tell the teacher that she hasn't got a dad in front of the whole class but she didn't know what to do

[MascaraOHara]

Thanks everyone. I don't do the school run so will have to make a special appointment to see the teacher.

I have to be super nice as I want to take dd out of school for a week next easter lol.

All I could understand from dd this morning is that they were told to draw "a picture of our mummy and daddy" I couldn't really ask too many questions as I was trying to sound blaisé about it and didn't want it to seem like a problem.

dd does now want me to get married though lol.. she told me this morning she wanted a daddy (before the convo about school).. she said she didn't mind if I married or , if only it were that easy lol

[cheesesarnie]

poor little girl.id speak to teacher,tell them its not good enough.

[MascaraOHara]

Thanks, I guess I'm upset from a parental point of view.. I guess it's the occassionaly times like this that I feel she is missing out by not having a father figure.. I'm always conscious not to project iykwim

[Helsbels4]

I feel sorry for your dd being made to feel uncomfortable in front of her friends but at my ds' school and dd's nursery, they don't make Father's Day cards anymore incase it upsets children without a daddy - what about upsetting the children who do have a daddy? Works both ways I think. I like the idea of a card for someone you love.

[MascaraOHara]

In dd's school (and nursery before that) they made cards for Mothers/Fathers Day etc and there has never been a problem because they were asked who it would be written to, dd would always make one for my dad or for my xp.

Once at nursery I was asked if I minded her making one which I thought was very thoughtful (if not a little overkill) I told them of course I wanted her to make one and she chose who to make it for.

I think it's very easy to include children from non-nuclear families without anybody feeling that they are missing out.

To not make cards at all is ridciulous.

[EustaciaVye]

My DD came home the other day and told me they had been talking about families. She has learnt that some children have only a mummy and some children live with their grandparents. She was fascinated but it sounded quite well managed. They all drew a picture of their 'family' and it is now on the wall.

[MissClavel]

Your poor DD. I remember being at primary school and being asked to do exactly that - draw your mummy and daddy. Considering that my parents were, at that point, very recently and very dramatically divorced, my mother had had a full-on breakdown and been away for a year while my dad looked after my brother and me in a rather haphazard manner, and we were very recently back living with our mum again... and the teacher knew all that... it seemed a bit ill thought out.

But I just sat there and drew them both anyway. It is weird, isn't it - there are so many different situations, and it's a huge and stupid assumption to make. At least when you point it out, your dd's teacher won't word it that way again.

[nickytwotimes]

That is so thoughtless of the teacher.

I take a Sunday School group and to us, it just makes sense to say 'the people who look after you' so no one feels awkward. We have no formal training fgs! The teacher should have more sense.

[FluffyMummy123]

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[FluffyMummy123]

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[MascaraOHara]

Thank you, have replied. Sorry, I rarely check it as hardly anybody from here emails me lol

[MollyCherry]

Some of the stories here are heartbreaking - it's unbelievable people in these kind of positions don't give a bit more thought to this kind of thing.

Just to lighten the load though...

When I was in the early stages of primary school (am 33 now), we were asked to draw a picture of our family. As an only child I finished pretty quickly, so I carried on and drew a cooker alongside my parents and me - don't know why, but I liked drawing and the page was a bit blank with just the 3 of us. As a result my parents were called in to see the head teacher and I ended up sat in the office of a child psychologist - for drawing a cooker ffs!!!

Am already looking forward to seeing what my DD (also an only) will come up with when she starts school next year and what the reaction will be

[MollieO]

At my ds's nursery they were asked to bring in photos of their fathers to make father's day cards. They made more of a fuss for father's day than for mother's day (no photo or anything else requested for that). I ended up sending in a picture of his godfather and then pointing out how insensitive their request had been.

They were very apologetic as the thought that one of the parents could be a single mother really hadn't occurred to them! The following year they called me in advance to advise what they were thinking of doing and whether that would be okay with me.

Fortunately his new school seem to be more clued up - we had an invite to tea addressed to 'Mummy and Grandma' which was lovely.

[schwotz]

what a brave little girl and so resourceful to perform as expected and so silly that she was asked to do this.

"Draw mummy or daddy or one of your grandparents or someone special to you"

So lovely that she could talk to you about it and not keep it to herself. I would would follow it up with the school.

Fathers day cards, mothers day cards to follow etc.....

[piratecat]

@ molly cherry and the cooker.!!

moh, it kills me sometimes when my dd faces things like this. You hate for them to feel different, or sad, or confused dont you.

[mabanana]

I think people ought to calm down a bit before assuming the teacher is in the wrong and an evil bad person.
What six year olds tell you about school often bears only a tenuous relationship with the truth - not because they are liars but because they are six. I bet the full story is rather different. Your dd is clearly a bit daddy-obsessed at the moment, and maybe that is what her little story is really about. If you ask leading questions then children tend to agree because they think that is the right thing to do. Maybe this teacher was insensitive, but equally likely, the real story is slightly different.

[elastamum]

So sorry that this happened to you, from what you say it sounds like the teacher is just young and inexperienced. We have just seperated and my Ds' are in a new school so I e mailed the teachers at the start of term so they would know our home situation and that the boys now have 2 houses. The teachers have been lovely and hopefully this will save any embarassment. I think they are the only kids in their classes whos parents have seperated

[Kewclotter]

mabanana - agree it may not be the full story but people do assume all the time that childrnehave a ummy and a daddy and teachers are not differnt.

On the positive side when my brther was asked in school (40 years ago) to draw a picture of him and his daddy for parents evenign - said picture was pinned up entitled "This is me and my daddy taking things from the building site"

(apparently my dad had agreed it with the formean but that little detial escaped my brother) caused much merriment with other parents my mum says.

[MollieO]

mabanana in my ds's case a note was sent home from school requesting the photo so no confusion on his or my part at all. Unfortunately a lot of teachers assume that children have both a mummy and a daddy. I am always called Mrs even though I have no wedding ring and if the teachers think about it they know that I am a single parent. It can be particularly hard when, as in my ds's case, there is no contact with his father (father's choice). We are left to pick up the pieces, explain the differences etc and sometimes that can be really hard to do.

[nolongeraworriedmummy]

I would mention it, the school I taught in said draw a picture of your family and the people we love.

Some kids in my class lived with grandparents, some fostered, others single parents etc,

Like someone else said its not unknown to have two gay parents.

[MascaraOHara]

mabanana sorry but I can't see where anybody is not calm. In answer to your posts specifically let me try and clear a few things up

a) Nobody has said the teacher is evil. if you read my posts I actually said she seems lovely and it was an oversight

b) My dd is not daddy obsessed at all, her thought process was triggered by a discussion at school. If there is an underlying dig at the fact that my dd doesn't have a father involved then you are way off the mark. As I already said in the thread, my dd has a very loving and involved extended family

c) I didn't ask any leading questions. I'm fully aware that I didn't get the full story and being a mother a know full well you only get part of the story. However it was very clear from my (far to sensible for her own good) dd that the request was for the children to draw their daddy.

LOL @ Kewc FB and mollycherry (what were they thinkg??)

[onlyjoking9329]

how insensitive.
it was fathers day the week after my DH died and the teachers said they would not do fathers day, i said it would be ok to do it and if my 3 wanted to do a card they could put it in the coffin with all the other things.
this term elliots art project is on families and he drew a picture of me and told the teacher that his dad was dead and that his grandparents dont have time to see him anymore. it is hard when this stuff is around you but you cant avoid it all the time, the kids will have to get used to it i guess.

[twentypence]

I teach two students that lives with grandparents, one ex student had two mums, lots of blended families. I had several students who always came with dad, and I never assumed there was a mum. In groups I say "the adult you came with" or "your special big person" unless I know that they all came with mum. It's just common sense really to say "draw your family".

I use "whanau" a lot - because it covers so much more than a standard nuclear family of mum, dad, 2.4 kids a dog and a Ford Focus. My understanding is that whanau can be whomever you want it to be.

Ds was asked if he had brothers and sisters and said he had a brother. The teacher asked his name and he said "Daddy."

[MascaraOHara]

Oh OJ, that must have been hard. I think it was nice to suggest putting them in the coffin. did they do that?

I can't rememebr the ages of your children but a mother of one of the boys in dd's year died in the summer holidays.. I'm always amazed at how 'matter of fact' he is about it. I know I could never understand what is going on internally but he just seems so resiliant.