Incident at school - your thoughts please

[Tryingnottosink]

I keep churning this over and would welcome objective (if that's possible) views please.

DD Yr 4 told me yesterday that someone lost something in class. Another child said she saw DD pick it up and put it in her coat pocket and went and looked in DD's pocket and had found it. DD denied it, but both other children went to teacher and said what happened.

Teacher spoke to DD who denied all knowledge and then to the accuser. Teacher then told whole class that she wanted the person who took the object, or who knew about it to tell her in a quiet moment. Later that day, teacher announced to class that the child who had taken the item had confessed and that it wasn't DD.

DD naturally upset, this happened, but didn't know who had 'done it' so I popped in today and expressed my concern. The teacher confirmed it wasn't DD, but that as the other child had confessed and been honest about it, they didn't want to make too much fuss about it, but she felt the girl should apologise to DD. I expressed my concern that a 9 year old would be so devious, but would trust them to deal with it. The child that accused DD has previous history of accusing DD of stealing in Year 3 (she was wrong on that occasion too), which was dealt with then by the form teacher, her current teacher wasn't aware of this when I told her.

Tonight DD came home and it transpires the child who confessed to it, is the same child that accused her, it would appear she 'set' DD up for some reason. The child had apologised, but the teacher has asked DD not to tell anyone who it was and this is sitting hard with DD, as she is terrified someone will find out and the teacher will think she told and broke her promise.

Now I am bothered on two counts, firstly that a child would want to 'set up' my child to get them into trouble. This girl is bossy and very 'mature' in a lot of ways, but usually gets on with DD. I am also concerned that the teacher has asked DD not to tell, so basically keep a secret and this doesn't sit well with me.

I would welcome any other thoughts, although not sure I can expect anymore from the school. Am I being silly and overthinking it all?

Sorry for the long post and rambling, but wanted to get it all down!

[Tartanpaint]

If the girl keep repeatedly victimising your DD, I'd class it as bullying.

[OwlCapone]

Is one incident last year "repeatedly"?

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

If it is announced to the class in some way that this girl did what she did, then the next time the teacher asks for someone to be honest and come to her, they quite simply won't.

I think the teacher dealt with the matter well.

The class have been told it wasn't your daughter, I don't think naming and shaming this girl will do anyone any favours.

[hollyisalovelyname]

I agree with Notcontent

[Marcipex]

The way I see it, the teacher dealt with the incident in what would be a reasonable way, as she didn't know about the previous attempt.

IMO the previous attempt makes the situation much more serious.

I wouldn't expect a name and shame scenario, but I would expect an acknowledgement to you that the situation needs monitoring, and steps taken to protect your DD from further bullying.

[13lucky]

I think the teacher has dealt with the situation quite well. However, I would be questioning whether there is a problem between the two girls and try and nip it in the bud. It is a form of bullying and I would be upset about that too.

[jaffacakesallround]

Unfortunately, this kind of 'setting up' behaviour is part and parcel of school life.
It's not right and is a form of bullying but you are being a bit naive to be so shocked by it. I was in primary school as a pupil myself decades back and remember this type of thing happening then! Not a lot changes in the way children behave towards each other.

The girl may well pick on someone else now but I'd be reasonably confident that the school is keeping a record of her behaviour and would not be surprised if she has other behavioural issues that they are well aware of.

Your best approach is to tell your DD it is over and done with now but she needs to tell her teacher if she is picked on again in any way.

[OwlCapone]

Since when did one incident in Y3 and one in Y4 constitute bullying?

Crying "bully" at any unpleasant behaviour simply serves to minimise real bullying.

[Tryingnottosink]

Interesting the different approaches.

There has been no 'bullying' as such, they get on well, no real problems, they sometimes play together, so nothing obvious and there hasn't been any 'picking on' anyone before.

The girl, as I said before, is very bossy and controlling generally, all the others tend to follow her and if she says something for some reason they, including my dd think it is gospel. However, apart from the usual friendship falling outs, nothing significant, that's why this is so odd and I am shocked she would be so calculating to say she saw dd pick it up, put it in her pocket and when she looked, find the item.

Dd thinks it is forgotten about, at least not mentioned it this weekend, so I am not going to say anything either, we will see what tomorrow brings.

Yes, I am cross. I understand the teachers stance, but still feel aggrieved for dd, that she has had this happen and there is no consequence for the child, because she did the right thing and confessed. I understand the reasons why, but don't have to like it, what she did was wrong and in my mind devious. And no this didn't happen at my 'tough' comprehensive school, things were much more open there!

Thank you for your comments.

[juniper44]

The teacher probably knew it was the other child. She certainly knew it wasn't your DD.

If the teacher hadn't asked your DD to not discuss it, then it would have become much bigger. The conversations and gossip would go on and on, and the next time something went missing then the other girl would be accused by the class without knowing for sure. At least the class have been told it wasn't your DD.

I don't think the teacher should have told you which child had done it. How that child has been dealt with is not of your concern. Your concern should be solely with your own child. Your child has been publicly declared innocent.

[jaffacakesallround]

Owl bullying behaviour doesn't have to be long term to be called bullying. One incident where someone makes another person feel small, uncomfortable, frightened, and where the perpetrator is using power over their 'victim' can be a form of bullying.

OP I do think you are overthinking this and being naive.
I don't know why you keep saying you are shocked at this behaviour, though of course any parent would be upset at their child being accused wrongly.

Children playing pranks on each other is not new or rare. It happens. From what you say this girl is bossy and likes to wield power- this is an example of her using her power to get someone else into trouble.

It's unkind, nasty and TBH if I was you and knew her mum the I'd have a word.

But then leave it.

[OwlCapone]

No, that's being mean and nasty. Not bullying.

[OwlCapone]

To use bullying to describe single incidents of nastiness minimises true bullying which is something else entirely.

[columngollum]

I think the secrecy bit on the teacher's behalf is to prevent it spiralling into a game of Chinese whispers. I can see where the teacher is coming from, but it's not the right way of dealing with it.

The right way of dealing with it is to have a clear set of rules and a clear method of dealing with transgressions which is known in advance.

[jaffacakesallround]

Owl all bullying starts with a single incident.

I don't know why you are nitpicking over the use of the word.

[AdamantEve]

When I was the same age, I randomly kicked my friends book bag under a table. When she couldn't find it I said "someone" must have hidden it on purpose and instigated a search for it. The bag was quickly found and all was back to normal.

I always walked home with this friend and her mum and I announced to her mum that "someone" had hidden her bag. This resulted in her mum talking to the school as they suspected bullying.

The whole class was questioned individually about this. I was mortified and denied knowing who had moved it twice before I confessed. I could have blamed someone else, but didn't. I still don't know why I hid the bag and why I drew attention to this! I wasn't trying to be malicious at all. But sometimes children do things that don't make any sense.

I agree it is very unfair about your daughter being publicly blamed for something she didn't do. I think the other children in the class will be satisfied with the teacher confirming it wasn't your DD and it will all be forgotten about. If the other girl is anything like me, she will be feeling ashamed and hopefully that will be the end of it.

[columngollum]

But children also need to be educated in the tradition of doing the right thing. (Adults often do inexplicable things too. Judges are always going on about it.) The fact is that people in general do random things.

But they need to be brought up to stop doing that.

[juniper44]

And this other girl has been taught to be honest and confess. If you want children to be honest, you can't severely punish them when they tell you the truth. What would be the incentive next time for her to be honest?