Are they being a bit precious? re: year 2 children being left at the door

[GreatBallsOfFluff]

I'm genuinely looking for answers as I am starting to wonder whether I'm just a cold-hearted btch for thinking these women are being far too precious.

DD(6) goes to breakfast club and after-school club every day of the week and has done since maybe 2 months after starting school in reception. Whilst I read all newsletters and talk to staff at the BC and ASC, I'll admit I don't have the best working knowledge of the school.

Maybe a week or two after the start of this term, a letter went out to all the parents in DD's class from her class teacher. It was generally just a couple of reminder points about how she does things in her class and the show and tell rota. It was slightly abrupt but we've had lots of changes recently with a new head (I think asserting her authority - 7 staff left at the end of July) and I just thought "meh".

One of the points of the letter was about parents not taking their child into the classroom at dropoff and leaving them at the door, whilst encouraging independence by getting the child to hang their own coat up, put their own bookbag in the right box etc. This didn't make an iota of difference to me as DD had been doing it since reception (obviously the staff at BS and ASC don't go around in the morning hanging up each individual child's coat for them [hgrin].

Anyway, that was that and I thought no more about it, until it was mentioned in the school newsletter about year 1 and year 2 children being left at the door by their parents. Ok, no problem again as doesn't affect DD. But after going to a friend's house after school one day, I had the obligatory coffee and chat when I went to pick her up and the mother was fuming about this new rule. She said that the teacher had spoken to her about it one time (albeit it sounded in a nice way) and her attitude was "if my daughter wants a kiss and a cuddle inside before I go then she will have a kiss and a cuddle inside before I go". Ok everyone has different parenting ideas and I know I'm lucky in that DD takes everything in her stride and I've never had a problem with clingyness or whatever so I thought fair enough, knowing what her daughter is like I can understand her attitude (or vice versa [hhmm] ).

So DD went to a party yesterday and it was the topic of conversation at drop off and quick chat before running off to chill out do housework. The other mums there also thought it was a ridiculous rule and was of the "how will little Johnny and Little Sally cope with putting their own stuff away".

Just to clarify, the door that they are to be left at is an outside which leads into their classroom (as I understand it, and has generally been the case with most classrooms at the school). The children then go through the classroom to hang up their coats in the cloakroom, come back to the classroom to put their book bag and lunch box away.

I must admit when having a coffee with the first mother that I was just thinking "PFB" but now having listened to the other mothers I'm wondering if I do expect more of DD then I should and that I am a cold-hearted btch for not hanging DD's coat up for her [hgrin].

Or are they ALL just PFB (even though some are not First borns)

[Elibean]

At dds' school, the rule was always drop off at door from Y1 upwards - but teachers were flexible if kids were upset and clinging, and there were always a few parents who took kids in to cloakroom (which was a bit scary to some) and the classroom to settle them briefly. No one minded, and it was usually only at the beginning of each term. By Y2 nearly everyone obeyed the drop off rule, unless there was an unusual need of some sort (and personally, I do think they exist - children vary, as do their situations).

Now though, the rule has been tightened - it had to be, because of premises undergoing changes - but the school have put extra staff on duty in the cloakroom to help children who are anxious/confused in there. I don't have a KS1 child, but when I did I had a clingy one - who would sob at the start of each school year until she'd bonded with her new teacher, and gone through the transition - so I understand if there are anxious parents. I wouldn't judge either end of the spectrum.

That said, I would support the school, and the teacher, and hope your dd's teacher manages to keep a polite smile and firm boundaries - I'm sure there are good reasons for the new rules!

[MollieO]

YANBU. I've had the lying on the floor being restrained from running after me moment with ds and as a result the last thing I'd want to do is go into his classroom with him. I would never have got away. That was reception and fortunately a rare occurrence.

By year 1 I didn't even get out of the car when I dropped him at BC. He's now in yr 3 and would ideally like me to leave him some distance from the school in case I try to kiss him [hgrin]. If we are early I do pop into BC to make sure that there is an adult to supervise as a couple of times he has told me that he was there before the teacher (and I had driven off [hblush]).

[vincentvangogh]

yanbu. From reception they line up outside the door, with parents standing back once the bell has gone, and go in and deal with their stuff themselves. Its a bit that there are Y2 children - some of them nearly 7???? who can't do this stuff for themselves.

[gabid]

We have doors to the changing section and then they go into the classroom. In R I mostly went in until it was advised that parents should encourage DCs to go in independently, still many parents went in, so did I but not always. At the start of Y1 DS started crying again and I saw a number of DC going through that, later on I encouraged him to go in alone. Now in Y2 he went in alone, but recently I noticed that he doesn't hang up his coat, he just dumps it so I go in again and watch him hang it up.

Our school just advised parents to encourage independence, but the children seem to have all sorts of issues and needs at that age. A hard and fast rule seems a bit silly.

[ASuitableGirl]

At DCs school the infants line up in their classes in the playground and once the whistle has been blown they go in one line at a time through the gate to the reception/year 1 outside area and then into their classrooms. Occasionally I have gone in for a particular reason (although teachers come out to meet their line of children so you can mention things then) but no one does it on a regular basis.

From year 3 onwards they go round to the junior playground - no chance of infiltrating the classroom then . DS in year 3 goes round from the infant playground on his own and is fine (have noticed other parents with year 3s and infants take both round to the main school entrance and then come back with infant but DS and I both happy with him going on his own).

[BetsyBoop]

I must admit that one of the things I LOVE about DDs school is that the helicopter parents can't step over the threshold.

On the first day of reception you can take them in. After that there is a TA blocking on the outside door, who will take any messages for the teachers, with another TA in the cloakroom helping the YR kids for the first few weeks. The teachers are all in the classroom welcoming & settling the class.
It works really well & no one would dream of trying to take a Y1/Y2 child in. :)

[teacherwith2kids]

TBH I have never encountered - as a teacher or parent - anything other than parents take children onto playground (or in DS's first school, to playground gate), they line up and parents stand back, teachers take children into the classroom.

Anything else sounds like madness - what would happen if there was a fire and everyone needed to get out quickly but adults were blocking the exit? How would you know who was in the building? How do you address the whole safeguarding and security of the school buildings thing if parents can come into school without signing in (we have some...exciting parents / carers and some VERY exciting inter-family / interpersonal 'issues' which we are VERY happy to keep outside the school!)??

Parents speak to me on the playground (I'm out before school starts) or can make an appointment or can come through the front door and sign in as a visitor in the usual way... not just come in with their child....

[befuzzled]

I think the schools have to enforce this where in reality a little bit more mollycoddling probably wouldn't really hurt, because there are some parents out there who are in. the. classroom. all. the. time. otherwise. I didnt really believe this (am not a teacher) until last year (year 1) when I was form parent and so spent a bit of time in the classroom myself. There were a couple of parents who didnt work and had only one child whose day literally revolved around that child and they completely monopolised the poor teacher at every turn until they enforced this policy. Bless em, they love their kids like everyone, but I think the school probably has to enforce a bit of independence in the end as a lowest common denominator for all, for the sake of these PFBs more than anything. They needed a break from their mums.

[Elibean]

I think when our school was smaller (one form entry, undersubscribed) it was pretty easy to have bendy rules without endangering or upsetting anyone. The layout made it possible, everyone knew everyone, it was like a family/village school even though in London.

I can also see it wouldn't work now, with more children and parents - far less chaotic to have the playground line-up or, in the case of Y1 & 2, the children go in through their own play area to the back door of the classroom once the bell goes. Our Reception building is separate-ish, and has its own entrance - and parents are allowed in to help their child. There is no cloakroom for them, as such, and although it is a bit chaotic for 5 minutes no one seems to mind and it all feels very friendly and easy - parents leave fast, and I've almost never seen a child cry.

In a bigger school, or with a different layout, I'm sure the playground line-up even in Reception would make more sense - but as it is, it works fine. Most of the kids are just 4 years old, and there's a natural easing in that seems to happen...I quite like it.

[pink84]

Yanbu. We had to do this since end 1st reception term.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Yes, I think they are being precious.

DS2 started YR in Sept (Aug bday so only just 4) and was clingy for the first few days so I went to the cloakroom with him then peeled him off the classroom door frame where he was clinging on crying and shoved encouraged him into the classroom where the teacher or TA would immediately take over and distract him. The school does discourage parents from coming in after the first week or two.

The school has a front gate with a short path (15m) to the main entrance now 6 weeks later I'm lucky if DS2 lets me go past the front gate as he wants to go into school on his own.

Most children will become independent and enjoy that sense of achievement if you give them the chance. Also for the one's who are struggling with separating from the parents I think it can help them if none of the children have their parents going in.

[Lizcat]

There is one mum in DD's class who has entered the classroom everyday since nursery (we're in year 3 now) she also has a DD in year 7. I noticed her this morning struggling under 100 weight of both girls stuff this morning as I pulled up at the gate to kick DD out the car. Rod and Back spring to mind.

[minxofmancunia]

YANBU, dd is in reception and I've been sending her in winthout me since week 2 of 1st term. I either have ds in the buggy with me or I'm rushing to get to work on time. IMO it's not about parents being precious it's about being controlling, and monitoring every single teensy weensy aspect of darling pfbs life. It truly truly does my head in. The reception teacher sent a letter out after the first week asking parents to please encourage their reception age kids to go in without them so dd did.

She hangs her own coat up, puts her book bag away and sorts herself out generally. She also gets herself washed and dressed each morning, the only thing I do re grooming is her hair, she also carries her bag to school and any other stuff she needs. Despite me thinking this was the norm I've had a few raised eyebrows amongst the helicopter brigade. The whole point of being a parent is to produce an independent autonomous, resourceful and skilled human being, not one that has to check with mummy dearest when to breathe in and out .

[GreatBallsOfFluff]

Well, we had parents' evening on Thursday, so I met this 'monster', and I have to say she seemed absolutely lovely. Fair enough she doesn't seem as cuddly or as mummyish as DD's last two teachers, but then I don't expect her to as school is there for DD to learn, not for the teacher to be all nicey nicey (IYKWIM).

I'm afraid I didn't pass on your comments (as much as I would have loved to) as I didn't want to basically be saying "everyone thinks you're a bitch for trying to teach kids independence, but hold on in there and it'll work". I don't know it just didn't sound right in my head.

But again, thank you everyone for reassuring me that I am not the most evil mummy in the world for making DD hand her own coat up, and put her own lunch box and bookbag away.

[GreatBallsOfFluff]

hang

[AAAvegetable]

The only rimes I have ever been in my chuldrens' R and Yr1 classrooms is fir parents eve and to be a volunteer reader. Otherwise I have never set foot in there. We are not allowed to. All parents accept this & it's clever as nosey parents are forced to become volunteer readers. I thought it the norm.

[Mum2be79]

I teach Y1 and even RECEPTION children are dropped off at the door and encouraged to hang their own coat up, put their lunchbox on the trolley and their book bag on the table. Kisses and cuddles outside.

It's the parents that tend to have the problem - not the children. When the children do have problems, it's because their parents' anxieties rub off on them. Seen it, experienced it.

Although there are a few children who have first term difficulties. But most of these resolve themselves with focused and determined parents and staff.

[noodleseverynight]

My nursery class come in and hang their coats up themselves. I must be a horrible cold hearted teacher. Actually, they started to do it themselves and I was a bit surprised, but they're an independent bunch, so I'm not complaining.

[Wellthen]

Ha! Clam that is such a good point!

"if I want to give a kiss inside then I will" - this angers me so much. Why is this person different from all the other Mums? If a parent said 'if I want to swear in the cloakroom I will' would you feel the same? Rules are rules, your children have to follow them, you have to follow them.

Aside from anything else most KS1 cloakrooms are built for KS1 people, there is not room for 25 Mums or Dads plus the odd dog, Granny, TAs, teachers and other adult helpers.

[CardyMow]

My DS's school has an 'open door' policy where they open the doors ten minutes before lessons start (for the whole school, YR to Y6) and parents can go in, but are expected to vacate the classroom once the bell goes.

I have always gone into class from YR to the end of Y2. From Y3 onwards, it depends if I need to talk to the teacher briefly (DS2 in particular has very bad asthma, and I often need to inform the class teacher of changes in his dose of ventolin). From Y3 I expect my DC to be able to manage to hang up their own stuff, and know where things like thier water bottles etc belong, and where their homework should be put.

I would not send my dc to a school that did not have an open door policy - it is very important to me. But that's not saying I'm PFB (or PSecondB or PthirdB in the case of DS1 and DS2), It is just something that is important to me when choosing a school, and would influence my decision of where to send my dc, so I would be exceedingly unhappy if this was changed after I had been allocated a school.

While, in all honesty, I would probably cope with it now my boys are in the Juniors, when DS3 starts YR, I would INSIST on being able to go into the classroom to drop him off - and he is my fourth child! It's just something that, particularly in the infants, I feel is important.

[CardyMow]

OH - and as an aside - I do not carry my dc's bags etc - once they are in YR they are big enough to carry their own stuff. I did have to help DS2 with the zip on his coat until he finished Y1 though - but he has muscle problems that affected his gross and fine motor skills development. He had a TA to help him with PE changing until then too, so it wasn't me being PThirdB!

I am not a 'precious' mum at all, but I feel that having the 'early bird' and 'open door' policy in a school means that parents don't seem to feel as 'distanced' from their child's teacher, and can tell the teacher straight away about things, like if a child's beloved hamster has died that morning and they might feel a bit sad, things like that. It does really work at this school, it has been this way since the school opened 21 years ago, and I can't see it changing any time soon. Even though the school has more than doubled in size in the last 7 years, from 190 pupils to 420 pupils (one year group has a 3-form entry).

[ChocHobNob]

Where I was working, we had to stop parents coming through the door as it was completely impractical to have up to 50 children (two classes) and then another god knows how many parents milling about in a tiny cloakroom.

I wave my 3 yr old off at the classroom door, my yr 2 son runs off on his own into class. Sometimes I don't even get anywhere near his classroom.

[Ormirian]

YANBU.