Son has got a detention every day for the last 3 weeks

[rob38]

My 12 year old son has got a detention every day for the past two weeks, mainly for talking and messing about in class and for refusing to work. Any advice on how I can get him to improve his behavior? Thank you

[endofthelinefinally]

What have his teachers/HOY suggested? They should have called you for a meeting by now, surely.

[DustyLee123]

Speak to school. Does he have any signs of ASD or ADHD ?

[Antoninus]

Remove phone / electronics or change WiFi password

[peachgreen]

Two pronged approach. Figure out why he's doing it – is he bored? Finding it too difficult? Unmotivated? And sanction his behaviour in a way that works – i.e. no wifi on the nights he's been in detention, no Playstation etc – whatever will actually make a difference.

[Livinginanotherworld]

@DustyLee123

Speak to school. Does he have any signs of ASD or ADHD ?

Why does bad behaviour always come down to this ffs ! Maybe give him some consequences?

[Beamur]

I'm going to suggest carrot not stick.
Have a good chat, find out what is going on, point out that continuous detention is not a good use of his or schools time.
Sympathise but point out he really needs to stop being a dick in lessons. Maybe if he can go a week without a detention he gets a reward? An extra bit of money for food at school or a takeaway of choice at the weekend? Something that will help motivate him externally if he's struggling to stay with it in school.

[Mummerator]

@Livinginanotherworld

Why does bad behaviour always come down to this ffs ! Maybe give him some consequences?

It’s a question which schools should be asking but which they often don’t - hence neurodiverse kids being labelled as naughty, “ffs”!

[WeeOrcadian]

What consequences have he faced this last two weeks?

[SirenSays]

I wouldnt punish him further, hes being punished and its clearly not working. Have a long chat with him, or several chats.
Go for a drive, it makes talks like this less awkward.

[DNAwrangler]

Id talk to his head of year / tutor. What’s going on? Is it always one subject / teacher, or general? What was he like 5 weeks ago? What changed?

[yomellamoHelly]

If he's getting that many detentions then clearly they're not having the desired effect (to stop messing around at school).

I would say he needs sanctions at home - whether it's pocket money, outings or access to his phone.

I think he needs a united front.

[Singleandproud]

Some children get detentions on purposefully as they are avoiding something or someone during unstructured time or after school, bullies etc

[2bazookas]

Has this been notified by the school?
If they haven't contacted you by now, I'd suspect he's lying about detentions to cover some unapproved activities with his mates after school hours.

Which could get him into far worse trouble.

[Hercisback]

Speak to school. Does he have any signs of ASD or ADHD ?

Even if he does, you still need to parent him.

Consequences. Take phone, WiFi, whatever he wants, take it.

[FrippEnos]

@Mummerator

It’s a question which schools should be asking but which they often don’t - hence neurodiverse kids being labelled as naughty, “ffs”!

Everyone has to have a label so that they can use it as an excuse.
Hence the reason that neurodiverse kids don't get the help that they should.
(ignoring the lack of funding, training and in some cases parental support).

[rob38]

Thank you for your messages, he does not have ASD or ADHD but has had a traumatic time in the past. I have spoken to CAMHS and he is awaiting an assessment with them in September for trauma. I have been giving him a ban from his laptop/phone when he gets a detention, but also spoken to him and school about which classes it is happening in etc. why it might be happening, and I have given him an incentive to do better for the next two weeks, £10 for every lesson he gets a thing called 'star of the lesson in'. He mostly gets into trouble in English class but gets into the same trouble in other classes too. He has said that there isn't anything causing his behavior, but it has started at the same time as other issues possibly related to past trauma.

[EarthlyNightshade]

@WeeOrcadian

What consequences have he faced this last two weeks?

Presumably the detentions have been the consequences.

At my kids school, detentions ramp up to being something more serious if you get them repeatedly - exclusion from lessons, phone calls home, etc. I would have expected that to happen here after two weeks.

[Mummerator]

@FrippEnos

Everyone has to have a label so that they can use it as an excuse.
Hence the reason that neurodiverse kids don't get the help that they should.
(ignoring the lack of funding, training and in some cases parental support).

“Ignoring the lack of funding, training and in some cases parental support”

yes yes it’s labelling children that is the problem, LOL.

[Mummerator]

OP don’t punish him again at home, or reward him. Let school deal with the punishments and keep home as a safe space where he can feel free to talk to you about what’s troubling him. Sounds like you are aware of the trauma and have made the connection so are well placed to provide now the required support (and to make sure school are aware and providing the right support too).

[FrippEnos]

@Mummerator

“Ignoring the lack of funding, training and in some cases parental support”

yes yes it’s labelling children that is the problem, LOL.

Its a problem when some people see it as a reason to misbehave.

But you do you.

[RiaOverTheRainbow]

Is he struggling with the English work? Does he mess around with anyone in particular? Presumably DS wants to stop getting detentions, can he suggest anything he thinks would help?

[Mummerator]

@FrippEnos

Its a problem when some people see it as a reason to misbehave.

But you do you.

Not a reason, Fripp, an explanation. Appreciate that may be a bit nuanced for you.

[wildfirewonder]

@rob38

Thank you for your messages, he does not have ASD or ADHD but has had a traumatic time in the past. I have spoken to CAMHS and he is awaiting an assessment with them in September for trauma. I have been giving him a ban from his laptop/phone when he gets a detention, but also spoken to him and school about which classes it is happening in etc. why it might be happening, and I have given him an incentive to do better for the next two weeks, £10 for every lesson he gets a thing called 'star of the lesson in'. He mostly gets into trouble in English class but gets into the same trouble in other classes too. He has said that there isn't anything causing his behavior, but it has started at the same time as other issues possibly related to past trauma.

If it could be linked to trauma you should stop with this star of the lesson stuff.

Also stop giving additional punishment.

You need to talk to school about it, see what they think.

[FrippEnos]

If you are going to get pissy, I should point out that you missed the nuance of my ignoring funding etc. post.

So think about that before you fall off your high horse.

[SoWhatEh]

@Livinginanotherworld

Why does bad behaviour always come down to this ffs ! Maybe give him some consequences?

Because it is often the case, ffs, that pupils who persist in bad behaviour despite punishment do so because they can't control it not because they won't. And ADHD is commonly identified in early teens.

OP, definitely worth a look. DS went from regular detentions and deep unhappiness and confusion at school to being completely understood and supported. Made a huge difference.