Anyone else still get flashbacks re. prem birth & time in SCBU?

[JumpingJellyfish]

Thought I'd post rather than dwell much more on this (sorry ladies!). Yesterday DS was poorly (high temp etc)- so he came into bed with me at 5am for a few hours. I suddenly woke having a very vivid flashback of watching firstly the trace while pregnant with him (just before his birth) and then of the endless watching of his SCBU monitors and witnessing his awful desats/apnoeas. I nearly burst into tears it felt so raw again- and realised it was the sound of his breathing (a bit rapid) right next to me which must have triggered those flashbacks. But I was very unprepared for them as he's now 3.8 yrs old! (he was born at 30wks, by emcs, after I developed severe PE/HELLP syndrome- he spent 8 wks in SCBU but has been great since).

Does anyone else still get flashbacks so far on down the line? I realise it probably means I have some unresolved issues with what happened to us but I really had thought I'd accepted/moved on from this, so to be left suddenly so upset (which has lingered if truth be told) really has suprised me and caught me unawares... Please tell me I'm not going insane and this feeling will pass again!

[WorzselMummage]

I think we all do

DD's 4 in a week and i had to go to a scbu recently and the strength of emotion shocked me, i hadn't realised that it was stil there lurking but i burst in to tears and had a good shake, untill then i hadnt really thought about it in years !

You are certainly not going insane atall, it a perfectly normal was of dealing with a horribly traumatic and memorable experience. You will probably find its on your mind a lot for the next week or so and then you forget it again and then every so often you will have to confront it all, its the way our brains deal with things i suppose.

I hope your DS is feelign better today

[Jacksmama]

Post-traumatic stress can affect people years down the road. You are not going nuts. Few things are more frightening than seeing your child in danger - I think it can scar mums for life. It will pass again when he's better, but for your sake, could I suggest some counselling, because flashbacks are terrible, and a good therapist could help you deal with them.
Hope DS is feeling better soon!
xxx

[JumpingJellyfish]

Thank you Worzsel- feel a bit selfish posting this knowing that you are currently on tenderhooks with your pregnancy- sorry
It is strange how for ages you live in the present and the past is almost forgotten but suddenly it can come back to you so vividly, with all the emotion associated with those memories... I found it very tough watching DD (DC2) in SCBU, even though it was a different unit and hospital to where DS had been, because of all the memories of what he had been through- the pain seemed even more acute second time round- I honestly take my hat off to you for how you are coping now (and to all those ladies having to endure the prospect or reality of SCBU- especially those who've had to go down that road before)

[Wolfcub]

Yes, I think flashbacks are normal or at least they are normal for me. They can be triggered by the smallest thing and I prefer not to get into discussions about ds's birth with people because it just sets off all the bad memories again and the feelings and flashbacks can stay with me for days. Ds is 2.2 by the way

[JumpingJellyfish]

Sorry Jacksmama- cross-posted with you. I think you're right, there are definitely times I feel I need to go through all those experiences with someone who can help me put them properly behind me- but part of me feels that 95% of the time I'm ok so is it really worth seeking counselling? I really try not to dwell on the sadness I feel for how my DCs were born and usually it's ok, which is why I was so surprised to feel so raw yesterday...

DS is getting better thanks- just another horrid cold/cough bug that seem to be doing the rounds this year!

Thank you for your words of wisdom ladies xx

[JumpingJellyfish]

Wolfcub- I agree- I find it very hard talking about my DCs births as can feel the tears well up and don't want to go through those emotions yet again.

[WorzselMummage]

Thanks JJ but i think we all cope at the time because we have to, it's our jobs and we don't have a choice. I know i am fully expecting to have to suffer this emotionally for a long time but at the moment all i can do is get on with it.

Councilling might well do some good if you feel your really struggling with it but i think generally our brains are quite good at sorting themselves out over time.. It would be abnormal of you not to relive it all from time to time, it is horrid and you have been though it twice so have double the trauma.

Glad to head ds is better, my dds ill and has just gone to bed and dfs got gastric flu or something which is making him stink of eggs. There is a lot of it going round thats for sure x

[needmorecoffee]

yes and dd wasn't even prem. brain damaged at birth and kept in nicu while they waited for her to die.
The prem mums had a support group. The rest of us didn't.
But any bleeping machines have me right back there

[lizziebeth]

I don't have flashbacks exactly but the more time goes on, the more I think how very traumatic the whole scbu thing was.

I felt like I deal with it fine at the time. But now (2.5 years down the line) when I think about it, it makes me freak out a bit, especially since we're consider ttcing again.

Do you think you just go into survival mode at the time?

[Jacksmama]

Same. I used to get the shakes just driving past the hospital where DS was born. I am having a repair OP in six weeks, at a different hospital, with an overnight stay, and feel swimmy-headed at the thought already.
Counselling is worth it at any time IMO.

[WorzselMummage]

NMC, that must have been horribly hard. The scbu experience is no fun thats for sure.

There should be support for everyone if they need it.

Lizzie i felt like i was just doing what i needed to do, that may well be survival mode, who knows

[JumpingJellyfish]

needmorecoffee- Cannot even comprehend how you must have felt/feel.

Yes agree was in survival mode only while DS was in - with DD it certainly wasn't so bad as it was only a week. I think if you dwell on what could happen and what they are enduring at the time you would just fall apart. I just focussed on the present and the basic day-to-day routine. I think it was only afterwards (and still occassionally now) that I started to feel the full implications and severity of what DS endured. Still we went on to try again- and it was a better experience even if it was incredibly tough and far from "ideal" if there is such a thing. I guess none of us know what the future holds and so I'm very aware of how lucky I am to have my 2 DCs with me now.

Thinking of you lots Worszel- hope DD is better soon and you are managing to rest and try to keep your mind from worrying too much

[snorris]

Dd4 wasn't prem but at 12 days old she became extremely ill with an undiagnosed heart condition. She is 2.9 & I still get random flashbacks. I can't walk past a parked ambulance on a call and Tesco tills make a beep sometimes that sounds like one of the machines in PICU . I also got caught out today when an appeal for GOSH came on the TV.

[JumpingJellyfish]

snorris. How is your DD now?

I used to say I had an allergy to hospitals after DS...then had DD and when we escaped home breathed a sign of relief thinking that that'd be the last time I'd see a hospital in hopefully years- 7 weeks later DD was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. So our relationship with hospitals is set to continue! Luckily the CF unit is very, very different to NICU/SCBU so it doesn't traumatise me too much- but I'm still very weepy if I see anything re. prems or poorly babies on TV...

[Shoshe]

I saw pictures of a friend's baby in SBCU, born at 24 weeks two weeks ago.

It brought back all sorts of not good memories.

DS1 is 30, a 32week baby
DS2 would have been 29 a 30 week baby
DD would have been 17 a 28 week baby.

I don't think it ever goes away.

[snorris]

She's not too bad, thanks. She's already proved the doctors wrong a few times . They still don't really know where to go with her treatment long-term but TBH not many people realise she's 'sick' as she looks so 'normal'!

[JumpingJellyfish]

In a way I think that's the hard thing- for those of us with prems or children with "hidden" but severe health probs it can be very difficult when asked about your children's birth, late pregnancy, newborn baby stage etc.- found this often at toddler groups and almost wanted a badge saying "please do not ask me about childbirth etc."!

[JumpingJellyfish]

Shoshe- so sorry about your DS2 and DD I'm sure the pain never really goes away. Hope your friend's baby keeps fighting x

[racingsnake]

When I read what other people have to go through, I realise how lucky we were and how self indulgent of me it is to complain about missing half a pregnancy.

Our scbu was wonderful; the nurses kind and supportive. I remember them making a birthday card for my room mate from her baby, with lots of photos. I had a room for the whole five weeks, all meals, generally pretty good, could spend all the time I wanted with dd and the last week dh stayed too. After the first couple of days we knew there was nothing wrong with dd and then we just spent the summer in scbu, being looked after. Now want to nomminate the hospital for many awards.

(However, just remembered the morning after she was born when I woke at 5am and thought she might have died in the night and I couldn't get into scbu to get to her and the nurses came running to help me ... and tears are pouring down my face!

So, if even a totally happy story like mine has that reaction 2 years later, I guess you are perfectly normal to still be affected.)

Sorry for your story, Shoshe. Come and visit us in the tearoom and have a glass of whatever is on offer tonight. Although it is quite exceptionally quiet tonight.

[squatchette]

I think the survival mode is something most people who've been in that situation can identify with.My first daughter spent her first 13 months in hospital mostly scbu and icu and it didn't seem as bad at the time as when i came home and reflected on it.It's amazing the things that can take you back to that time like the person who mentioned the tesco till beeping.
When my dd3 who's 4 months had a bad cold a few weeks ago I could hardly sleep for listening to her breathing at night.It really took me back to the endless nights listening to dd1 as a baby.

[LiegeAndLief]

I'm sure we all do, as is obvious from this thread! Ds was born at 34 weeks and also spent 8 weeks in SCBU with terrible desats. I am pg again and went for my 12 week scan not long ago - the entrance to the ultrasound dept is right next to the entrance to SCBU. I had terrible flashbacks, in a way even worse than how I had felt when he was in because, as other people have said, when we were actually going through it it didn't seem so bad - you just have to get on with it so you do. It's only when you have time to reflect that you realise how much it affected you.

[rascal1979]

DD was born just over 12 mths ago at 30+6 due to severe pre-eclampsia/HELLP syndrome. I don't have flashbacks as such but it is always with me and the slightest thing can trigger off memories.

At weekend I took an Xmas card up to the NICU where DD was initially and the smell and the beeps of the machines really affected me. It felt so raw it took me by surprise. Even just entering the hospital itself gives me a strange feeling. Sad for what I didn't experience as much as being upset about what I went through.

However I try to be positive and think of the experience adding to who I am as a person. Kind of like it was a challenge, we survived and it will always be a part of my life and who I am today. Not in depressing way but as every life experience shapes us so does the NICU experience.

The hospital DD was transferred to didn't have a support group at all. So I have set one up with another mum who I met on the unit [Grin] hopefully through this group we can help the journey for others a little easier. In turn this is helping me as it means my experience has meant that I can offer support to others and that has to be a positive.

Counselling may be a good idea to help you talk about your feelings and move on. Speaking to other mums who have been through NICU has helped me too.

Big hugs x

[LaDiDaDi]

I had a similar experience to many of you ladies, dd born at 32 weeks due to PE/HELLP.

Without wishing to out myself in rl I had worked on the NICU as a doctor until about 8 weeks before she was born, was then moved on rotation, so I knew all of the staff and was totally familiar with both the environment and the problems etc.

Dd is now very well (2.7) but a few months ago I had to go to see a patient and walk past NICU, I saw a nurse I knew on the way and it was horrible. I was walking along with a colleague and I just had awful heart racing panics, I really just wanted to cry. I've since worked on a different SCBU and that was hard but not as bad and I'm getting used to it now but I'm ttc and I'm scared of the same thing happening to me and dc2 again.

[SparklyGothKat]

I have had 4 babies in SCBU.

Ds1 was 35 weeks and in SCBU for a day.
DD1 was 31 weeks and in for 5 weeks
DD2 was 33 weeks and in for 2 weeks
Ds2 was 33 weeks and in for 10 days.

DS1, DD1 and DD2 were born at our local hospital and I didn;t have a good experience there with Dd1, so get panicking if I have to go there.

Ds2 was born at a different hospital and when he was discharged, he still had a NGT tube, which he kept pulling out, and I had to go to the local hospital to have it replaced, walking into that SCBU shook me to the core. They no longer take babies below 34 weeks at the local hospital and a lot of the equiment etc is not there and they only have a few babies at a time now, but looking into the room where DD1 was made me feel sick. Where they gave her blood without our knowledge, where she had blood poisoning, GBStrep, and we weren't told. Where they moved her to, when she desat-ed and bradycardia-ed and I wasn't told so when I arrived, I couldn't find her and thought she was dead I know I am not over all that.. I never will be, they took away my parental rights, and I will never forget that.

[SparklyGothKat]

where tahnks to them, my DD1 has CP, ADHD and learning disabilities, I know this because the scan shows brain damage that occurred AFTER delivery in the first few weeks of life, where they refused to give her o2 when she was turning grey before my eyes, and told me to tickle her feet!!!!! FFS I was 21!!! I didn't know that it was damaging her brain!!!