Anyone else still get flashbacks re. prem birth & time in SCBU?

[JumpingJellyfish]

Thought I'd post rather than dwell much more on this (sorry ladies!). Yesterday DS was poorly (high temp etc)- so he came into bed with me at 5am for a few hours. I suddenly woke having a very vivid flashback of watching firstly the trace while pregnant with him (just before his birth) and then of the endless watching of his SCBU monitors and witnessing his awful desats/apnoeas. I nearly burst into tears it felt so raw again- and realised it was the sound of his breathing (a bit rapid) right next to me which must have triggered those flashbacks. But I was very unprepared for them as he's now 3.8 yrs old! (he was born at 30wks, by emcs, after I developed severe PE/HELLP syndrome- he spent 8 wks in SCBU but has been great since).

Does anyone else still get flashbacks so far on down the line? I realise it probably means I have some unresolved issues with what happened to us but I really had thought I'd accepted/moved on from this, so to be left suddenly so upset (which has lingered if truth be told) really has suprised me and caught me unawares... Please tell me I'm not going insane and this feeling will pass again!

[SparklyGothKat]

and FFS I don't do 'feeling sorry for myself' I am strong, so am going to walk away before I cry....

[AlexanderSantasmum]

I had severe (early onset) PE/HELLP syndrome with my first DS and he was stillborn at 24 weeks. I spent about 10 days in hospital due to my illness and I used a lot of their liquid soap over that time, as were the doctors who came into my room to see me. Consequently, when I came back to the hospital for follow-up visits I went to wash my hands and the smell of that soap hit me . It brought it all back - the numb feelings and the wires and monitors all over me etc.

When I was pg with DS2 I found this hard, but I suppose started to get used to the smell of the hospital. He was born due to emergency c-sec at 31+3 and do you know what, it should have been traumatic but I was mostly just staggered that he was alive as I had spent the whole pregnancy not getting my hopes up. The neonatal ward was full of people in turmoil and we (DP and I) were seeming to cope so well with it, but it was just because of shock that he was here and doing well. We'd had lots of time to get used to the idea of him coming early because I'd developed symptoms of PE at 29 weeks.

[JumpingJellyfish]

This thread has brought tears to my eyes- you have all had to endure so much.

I think you've very much put this into perspective AlexanderSantasMum- I am so sorry for your loss of your firstborn, I just cannot imagine how incredibly hard that is. No wonder your main emotion on the birth of your DS2 was a sense of relief! God do I wish they could find a better way of treating/preventing/early detection of PE

LaDiDaDi- that must have been so hard becoming a parent of one of the babies who you would normally have treated. I'm sure it was one of the cases where too much knowledge can just cause even more worry. I found it very hard too getting "over" what happened with DS when TTC #2, and of course the worry is there even before conception- I swear I went a bit loopy during DD's pregnancy, constantly making an effort not to worry and have faith in the (excellent) monitoring I received, but of course when your first pregnancy/birth experience was so traumatic it clouds everything. I was incredibly sad when I was diagnosed with PE again but also very relieved because we made it to a great gestation before DD was delivered (36+2 wks)- which I believe was due to aspirin and fantastic care from my obstetric team- who I now have a great deal of faith in & am considering (madly) TTC again!

SparklyGothKat- for your DD1 and for you. I am sure the anger of the injustice of it all will be hard to ever let go of, especially as you are constantly reminded of it all by caring for her every day. I take my hat off to you for going on to have more children (and from nosing at your profile they are gorgeous happy children too!), as sure it was very hard worrying about having another prem.

In a way it's nice to know we're far from alone in experiencing all this, although it's not a club I'd ever imagined joining! There wasn't a support group at either of the SCBU units we've been on, so I very much relied second-time round on online support (first time round we didn't have internet access, and was in a blind daze anyway for a couple of months). A friend's DD (3 months) recently got whooping cough and has been very very ill- she called me last night and just cried down the phone and I was so glad she could, as she said she knew I'd understand- and that before she'd experienced her DD's illness she said she'd had no real idea what we went through- she had me in tears too because she's the only RL friend who I think has come close to really understanding what has become a part of our lives and shaped who we are to an extent now.

Ok been rambling far too long for this time in the morning. Thank you so much for your support- hugs to you all & your DCs xxxx

[SparklyGothKat]

thanks Jumpingjellyfish. WRT to having more kids, I found out I was pregnant with Dd2 when Dd1 was 11 months old (was 8 weeks gone) and we didn't know at that point that DD1 had CP, and we only found out about the blood poisoning when she was 13 months old, and the GBstrep at 2 years old!!!! I was booked into the local hospital already when we found out all of that, so I had Dd2 there, I have to say that the care DD2 recieved was better, but I made sure that the nurses knew to contact me whatever happened.

I refused to have another baby for a long time after having Dd2. there is a 6 year gap between dd2 and ds2 because i couldn't face it.

[TinselBaublesMistletoe]

I struggle with the birth, but the time in NNU is almost wiped from my memory, I know things but it's like I know them rather than remember them. I recently saw a video I didn't know existed of the time just after her birth before I had seen her, I cried watching it because of the sounds and seeing her like that it was like being there again.

I spoke with my consultant yesterday about the plans for FiFi's birth and couldn't stop crying, I'm not worried about the birth but just thinking about it brings back all the feelings from last time. I thought we'd escaped the NNU this time but FiFi has IUGR so she may end up in there afterall.

I've felt like APsMum with Tink and this one, not quite believing I'm going to have a baby at the end, I still don't believe I did after Tink because I found the GA and seperation from her so hard - we were seperated longer than her sister was alive for.

[laumiere]

God, that bloody Great Ormond ad!

Even after DS's birth 2.5 years ago I can't bear the thought of another SCBU stay. 30 weeks pregnant now (DS was 31w5d) and have just signed up for counselling. University Hospital Lewisham actually has a birth trauma counsellor you can be referred to.

[laumiere]

SparklyGothKat, it wasn't the Royal in London was it? They took my son's blood and did a Down's test without telling us and moved him and didn't tell us. Oh and gave him formula without telling me, didn't report an LV crash and refused to give up his medical records until threatened with legal action, and missed him having CP. We only found out at 19 mo when we moved boroughs.....

[SparklyGothKat]

No it was the QE2 in WGC.

Have you taken action against the hospital? I do think we have a case but not sure about taking legal action.

They also missed her having CP, until my HV noticed she was very floppy and unable to sit etc

[laumiere]

We didn't want to start to take legal action until we got this pregnancy out of the way. Also, we're not sure when exactly the CP occurred so again a little tricky.

[MollieO]

To OP - yes, so much so that ds will be an only child.

[TLESinChristmasStockings]

You know stumbling upon this has made me realise maybe just maybe i am not so mad as everyone around me thinks.

DS2 was born at 36 weeks so not massively prem, he was born at home unplanned in 4 1/2 minutes tbh i never want a birth like that again! Anyway we were taken to hospital and he spent 5 days in SCBU during which time they wouldn't let me hold him, feed him, cuddle him or touch him....he was jaundice and his billy rueben(sp) cells were high!

Anyway on the friday night i went up from the ward to scbu to visit him and there was another dr taking blood, i kinda lost it and the next day they let me begin bf him...something i had wanted to do from day 1. I started bf at 11.45am on saturday 5 hours later they brought him from scbu to the ward where i promptly picked him up and held him until i began to fall asleep. then i put him in his cot at 1.45 am they took him to test his B.R cells and they had come right down, the MW came back to me at 2.45 with him and asked how i felt about going home....i jumped out of bed but was not allowed to leave then of course lol.

I spoke to the MW and said I knew he did not like the ff milk and wanted bf and she said they should have let you feed him sooner...

Anyway since then I have not left his side, I can't bear to be away from him and even going to the shop is hard if he is not with me as i panic.

I began to think everyone else was right that i was losing the plot but reading this I kinda think maybe I am not!

Sorry to have hijjacked!

[laumiere]

TLES that sounds absolutely awful. I do thank god that there were some good nurses on DS's SCBU who asked me if I wanted to feed/change/kangaroo care him, I was so shell-shocked I wouldn't even have thought of it.

I don't think any of us are nuts, we're dealing with extraordinary circumstances and there's an attitude that once you're home with your baby then it's all forgotten.

[lollipopmother]

I am a complete fraud on this thread as I did not have a prem baby, and DD didn't even spend any time in SCBU, however I had the same issue as TLES with DD being diagnosed with jaundice within 12h of birth and biliruben levels sky high. It ended with a 5 day stay in hosp, going down to SCBU for antibiotics every 12h and on my first night for her to have a lumbar puncture.

I can safely say that night was the worst time of my life, it will stick with me forever. I think of it a lot and I still can't talk about it without feeling horribly emotional, yet it's nothing compared to what you have all been through. I was also told that I wasn't allowed to pick DD out of her lightbox other than when I was completely sure she needed feeding, even when she was screaming the place down for 4h right after her lumbar puncture, it just felt so awfully wrong. I only had to do that for 36h though and not for weeks on end, I really don't know how you ladies coped with all the things you went through and am not at all surprised that you all have flashbacks, it is undoubtedly the most horrific time for all of you and that sort of thing will always leave an imprint. A thread like this makes me feel like a complete wimp I have to say.

[Jacksmama]

Lollipopmother (you're Sarah's friend, right? I forgot to say thank you for posting about her and Baby George - thank you so much!) -
please, please don't feel like a wimp. I didn't have a premie baby either, but Jackbaby's birth was horrific, and I had PTSD and flashbacks, and even though he was perfectly healthy, I suffered as much as a friend of mine did who had a trauma with her grandbaby. She didn't see it that way - in her mind, I was crazy to have PND, anxiety and PTSD, because, after all, Jackbaby was fine, so, very sadly, our friendship really suffered. But this is what the counsellor I saw told me:

There are no "degrees" of trauma.
Trauma is trauma - it is how your brain perceives an event and reacts to it that leaves you with after-effects. It is different for everyone.
There is no point in playing the "who's hurting worse" game. Especially not with anything to do with our babies' births.
You cannot compare one person's trauma to another's. And you cannot "quantify" an experience that leads to trauma. There are no numeric values assigned to trauma, as in "your delivery deserves a 6 out of 10 but hers is a 9".
So comparing your suffering to someone else's and feeling badly because you think someone else suffered more but you still have flashbacks isn't valid and is unfair to you.
xxx
(If you see Sarah please give her a hug from me and Jackbaby)