I failed my 34 weeker

[Matthew54]

i just need someone to listen.

i am an expat in the UK and just gave birth to my son at 34+5 days gestation. Where im from originally, that’s an automatic week NICU stay. Instead, I was sent home after 72 hours even though my son was lethargic after receiving photo therapy treatment.

Two days later and we are back in the PEDs ward at the alleged best hospital in the city because the NICU and post natal won’t take him since he has been discharged.

I hate the midwives that discharged him despite my concerns. I hate that everyone keeps asking if he’s my “first baby” as if I’m overreacting that he needs to be treated for jaundice for the second time in less than a week. I hate myself for not carrying him despite no signs there was a problem before.

i am terrified he has brain damage. His room isn’t finished. And all I can do is stare at him on a bili pad and pray there’s nothing seriously wrong.

I had two DS at 33+1 and they both did stay in for two weeks but they are now 10 &12 and totally fine. It’s scary but they are in the best place being looked after - just continue to advocate for them to get whatever care they need.
premature birth isn’t your fault!
don’t worry about the room they will be in with you anyway.
also I had the 3 day blues - it’s common and makes everything seem worse that it is; things will improve. Jaundice is really common so just make sure he gets whatever treatment he needs.
You have a beautiful baby - it’s worked out & you’re lucky!

You didn’t fail him. You’re his advocate. And you’re advocating for him now in a hospital, you’re doing the right thing despite the wrong thing being done to you. Ignore the ‘first baby’ brigade. You’re a mum no matter how many times you give birth.

You didn't fail him. You're doing everything right by him. I cannot believe they discharged a 34 weeker after 72 hours! I'd complain to PALS. That's too soon for a 34 weeker to go home and end back up in hospital! You have every ground for a complaint and a strong one at that. When you're feeling better, do make a complaint.

I'm disgusted they wouldn't let him back in NICU. The hospital sounds absolutely disgusting!

Babies are treated much later than that for jaundice so try not to worry too much (easier said than done).

Having prem babies and NICU stays are tough. They really do affect you more than people realise.

And congratulations on the birth of your beautiful little boy.

OP, I am in AUS and the same thing happened to me and it was baby number 6. I always go home a few hours after birth but baby was tiny, not feeding and too sleepy for my liking so I stayed 24 hours. They then kicked me out. Baby went downhill fast and needed readmitting where I was challenged for going home!
Grrrr
'Baby' is now a robust 10 year old but it left a nasty taste in my mouth. Not your fault at all!
Congratulations on your baby, I hope he improves soon.

I’m just so devastated. They made me feel ridiculous because he was 34+5 that somehow he wasn’t a real 34 weeker or in need of extra monitoring. They didn’t admit us to the NICU or even offer a car seat test before we took him home.

Thank god I have excellent milk production and he can latch. This could have been catastrophic otherwise.

With all due respect, you’re catastrophising. Jaundice is very normal in new babies and if baby is otherwise healthy then it’s a good thing you got to go home. I had a baby at 35 weeks who was happy and healthy despite being really really tiny. We were sent home after 72 hours. I’d have gone home sooner to be honest because the hospital was uncomfortable and i wanted my own bed and for the new normal to begin. Should he have stayed in the NICU for a week just because he was early? He’s now 6 and no problems at all. You say baby’s room isn’t finished - they won’t be in there for another six months anyway.

If he’s feeding with no issues and can breathe fine then it’s probably why you were sent home.

I had a 34 weeker and the NICU team I met before my c-section said that 50% of 34 weekers are totally fine and don’t need a NICU stay.

Having a baby early is a horrible experience but definitely not your fault. What was babies weight? If baby is ok weight and feeding well they don't always have to stay in long. Also full term babies also end up being jaundiced and readmitted sometimes.

Chances are all is fine and you'll be home soon.

Sorry you are having a difficult time. You haven't failed him at all. I'd feed this back to PALs at your birthing hospital.

Midwives aren't allowed to discharge babies under 37 weeks though so this would have been a doctors decision.

Many 34+5 will go home. I would say most, actually.

Many babies will be readmitted to Paeds. You haven't failed him.

As for the 'hospital is disgusting' comment above, my eyes rolled so far back in my head 🙄🙄🙄 NICU is 'clean'. Babies from the outside world are 'not clean'. Once you've left NICU, you cannot come back in, to limit the risk to the other babies in the unit. That's pretty standard. 'Disgusting'... don't be ridiculous.

I’m just so devastated. They made me feel ridiculous because he was 34+5 that somehow he wasn’t a real 34 weeker or in need of extra monitoring. They didn’t admit us to the NICU or even offer a car seat test before we took him home.

I imagine the fact that you were made to feel ridiculous, has made you feel you’ve failed your DS in some way. You ABSOLUTELY have NOT failed him in any way whatsoever. And you DID carry him. An early birth is not an indicator you haven’t done pregnancy right. It happens and far more often than many people realise for a whole load of reasons and for no reason that can be explained sometimes.

You were understandably concerned so sought help . As others have said jaundice is very normal and resolves soon after birth either with or without light therapy. But no one should have made you feel ridiculous. You are used to a different system where babies born at 34 weeks would automatically stay in NICU for a week so being discharged after a few days would have felt scary and made you feel anxious that he wasn’t getting the care he needed.

Keep in touch with your midwife or health visitor if they’re approachable so you can get some support if the feeling that you have failed somehow doesn’t start to fade. You sound a really great Mum who didn’t get the reassurance you needed in that first week after the birth, when you were so vulnerable. Congratulations on your baby.

Thanks everyone. Aware I’m definitely anxious, largely in part due to the cultural differences at play here.

I’m trying to focus now on bonding with my baby and enjoying my time with him instead of panicking.

It must be a huge shock but nothing that's happened sounds out of line. Jaundice is very common in babies, even those born later than him. He's getting the right treatment and will be fine. The fact that he had no breathing issues is good and he's obviously strong enough to feed. The best place to establish feeding was home which is likely why they discharged him.

Not being admitted to Nicu after being discharged from hospital is a standard practice in every hospital I've ever worked in

Not being in your home country when something like this happens is so scary and adds to the worry that I imagine some posters of prem babies who had them in their COI can't appreciate. You would be odd not to be anxious!

You have not failed your baby at all. You're doing great at advocating for baby despite the circumstances you find yourself in. Well done on the breastfeeding! My prem baby had undiagnosed tongue tie but we got there at 8 weeks corrected! Still breastfeeding now two years later.

I can't believe they sent you home after 72 hours, my daughter was born 35 weeks 3 days and we stayed on the maternity ward for 5 days, she had observations and was checked at 3 and 5 days on day 3 she had light therapy for jaundice she was born perfect no medical intervention needed so I am surprised they sent you home and I only gave birth 5 weeks ago I would complain

Oh you poor thing. When mine (now adult) was born at a similar age, she had 2 weeks in NICU for jaundice. Times must have changed.

I understand you feel you’ve ‘failed’ - you haven’t. At all.

Someone said something to me which helped, so I pass it on now in the hope it helps you a little: She was early because she obviously has a lot she wants to pack into her life. She couldn’t wait to start living, and knew you would help her and be there for her as the fabulous mother you are.

Congratulations on your lovely new baby! I am sure he will be absolutely FINE.

I had a 33+4 arrival, a 35+2 arrival (and one born 11 days late). From experience - at this stage every hour, every day, seems like a huge event and you are desperate for it to go "right" - for your baby to be off phototherapy, for him to feed well, etc. This is normal. Further rd

This is 100% how I feel. Just utterly desperate for him to be “a baby” and cry.

He had an apnea incident yesterday and I just lost it and started sobbing in front of his bassinet.

I know this isn’t reasonable, but every cell of my body feels desperate for it all to be okay.

This is so difficult. I'm furious they discharged you. I was in for eighteen days with my 35 week baby

This .

I had a 32 weeker with a collapsed lung and jaundice and was a 3.9lbs and he came home at 35 weeks.

Many baby have to be readmitted to hospital.

You've had a shock but all sounds ok and you have a good milk supply. Try not to focus on the what ifs and concentrate on the right now.

You can't compare prem births on age alone.

Sorry the app ate half my post before I posted it.

Try not to worry for now about whether the early discharge was right or not. He is back in hospital and getting the treatment he needs. Multiple spells on a bilibed is not uncommon. My 33 weeker had to be treated twice and it felt like a lifetime watching the numbers and waiting for them to improve. Of course it does. Virtually all his short life has been spent in hospital with you watching "numbers" on machines and you have no other points of reference, no other narrative about his personality.

However, he will get through this and very likely it will just be a nasty blip at the beginning. He will develop a little personality (it's in there already, even if you can't see it yet!) and you will start to build up stories about him that are more than just his medical status.

Don't underestimate how weird and fragile you will be feeling right now. I promise you things will get better and you'll be able to put this into a longer perspective one day. Hope your DS has a better day today x