Pregnant again after termination and so confused

[ScaredyCat40]

I find myself in a heartbreaking situation. I am 8 weeks pregnant and feel like I’ve made a huge mistake (based on trying to right a past mistake).
Last year I found myself pregnant at the start of the pandemic with 2 little ones already and feeling scared about the unknown effects of Covid. I was so scared of anything impacting my current family negatively. I made the awful decision to terminate very early on and felt immense time pressure as thought i could justify it more if it was within 6 weeks.
Since that moment I felt I needed to be pregnant again. Turning 40 and living with that regret was so hard.
This is going to sound absolutely awful and I hope I won’t be judged too harshly but we got pregnant first time and it’s all terrifying again. My husband wasn’t sure he wants 3 but was happy enough to. However now being pregnant again all those intense fears of I might die of covid in the third trimester and leave my young kids behind or the baby might be badly disabled and impact my current kids lives has all come flooding back. I also worry it may impact the relationship my kids have with each other and that it’ll be too stressful for my husband with three. It’s awful. It’s all I think every minute of the day. I feel so confused and should have seeked counselling earlier. Has anyone got any advice please or been in a similar situation?

[Xdorx]

Hi @ScaredyCat40,

I'm in a similar situation to you and wondered how you are doing? I had a very early termination there months ago and can't shake the feeling that I need to 'do the right thing a second time'. I'm devastated by what happened and the only way I can ease the pain inside is if I imagine trying again even though I don't necessarily think 3 children is best. I know it's ridiculous. I have two beautiful children - a boy and girl, 7 and 4 and they're extremely close to each other. We are a very tight unit of four and very happy. I had severe pnd after my 2nd as I had a traumatic birth. When I found out I was pg the fear of pnd, my age, risks, but mostly damaging my children's relationship and their relationship with me was overwhelming. The impact of me having very bad pnd for a year on them was petrifying. All of that still stands. Apart from the fact that I'm now very depressed and detached anyway because I can't come to terms with the termination. I can't help thinking 3 isn't ideal.... But also a mum who is consumed with guilt or depression for the next 20 yrs also isn't ideal. I'm nearly 40 and feel I don't have time to wait a few years and see if I can get over it. One of the reasons we weren't careful in the first place is cause of the time pressure with my agem

I'd love to know how any of you are doing and any hope or advice from your experience.

Xx

[Hdhhdidi]

I’m in same boat and on my first af after a loss, how solo the pregnancy go?

[Hdhhdidi]

Did*

[London303]

Hi all.. need advice and hopefully no judgement. Have 2 amazing kids. (8&10). Early Sept found out was preg no3.....terrified even though in happy marriage etc. My fears were my 2 kids would be so upset with new addition, the total change in our little fam dynamic, and would baba be healthy etc. Also a family event that was clashing with potential due date (silly I know). We had been TTC for a couple years but kind of gave up in the idea. Ended up termination at 5wk 1day. Felt massive relief but this week Im riddled with regret. Now considering ttc again.....I know I sound horrific like the worst person ever to even consider it. Im so confused guilty and lost. Am I a monster for even considering another pregnancy after what I did.

[heartbroken22]

@London303 no please don't feel like you're a monster. What you're feeling is natural. I had instant regret too. Wish family supported me. But got pregnant 3 months later with beautiful baby girl. She's here now and amazing. It was hard and I had the same feelings due to Hg but second time around I told myself to be stronger and I didn't need support from anyone but myself.
Blessings came from a lovely midwife.

[London303]

Thanks for reply. Feeling such confusion. My heart says tes but my head says no.........my girls are 10 and 7 so feel like this would be a huge gap to try and transition thing smoothly. Help!

[London303]

Should read my heart say yes.

[heartbroken22]

Follow your heart and trust yourself. My kids are 6, 2 and 4 months. I wish I kept the last age gap a bit longer like my mother.

My mum had a 10 year old, 6 year old and then newborn baby and we were fine. The baby was actually a blessing and brought us close together.

You don't have to listen to me. But I was terrified by the thought of having 3 when I got pregnant again and wanted to terminate again when I got HG. I stayed patient and held on because I could not live with what I did before. But now she's here omg the day she came out of me I was so in love. It's was worth the hard work.

Write a list of pros and cons if you're really confused. How would you feel if you had another baby and didn't have a baby?

[Xdorx]

heartbroken22 can I ask were you the 10yr old or the 6 yr old? My children would be that age if we fell pregnant now. How did it bring you closer together? My eldest is a boy and I have a daughter too. My fear is it giving the kids 'options' on who to play with/favourites/people being left out etc between them. Did you find any of that?

To the people considering TTC again...the only advice I have is take your time - get some therapy to explore your reasons etc and try to come to a place where you have learned greatly from it and can make decisions in the future more calmly. Whatever those may be. A lot of us fixate on getting things right or wrong - when those things don't exist. They're just different paths with different positive and negative consequences whichever way you go. Xxx

[London303]

Very true and very good advice.xxxxxx