Pregnant again after termination and so confused

[ScaredyCat40]

I find myself in a heartbreaking situation. I am 8 weeks pregnant and feel like I’ve made a huge mistake (based on trying to right a past mistake).
Last year I found myself pregnant at the start of the pandemic with 2 little ones already and feeling scared about the unknown effects of Covid. I was so scared of anything impacting my current family negatively. I made the awful decision to terminate very early on and felt immense time pressure as thought i could justify it more if it was within 6 weeks.
Since that moment I felt I needed to be pregnant again. Turning 40 and living with that regret was so hard.
This is going to sound absolutely awful and I hope I won’t be judged too harshly but we got pregnant first time and it’s all terrifying again. My husband wasn’t sure he wants 3 but was happy enough to. However now being pregnant again all those intense fears of I might die of covid in the third trimester and leave my young kids behind or the baby might be badly disabled and impact my current kids lives has all come flooding back. I also worry it may impact the relationship my kids have with each other and that it’ll be too stressful for my husband with three. It’s awful. It’s all I think every minute of the day. I feel so confused and should have seeked counselling earlier. Has anyone got any advice please or been in a similar situation?

[London303]

Very true and very good advice.xxxxxx

[Xdorx]

heartbroken22 can I ask were you the 10yr old or the 6 yr old? My children would be that age if we fell pregnant now. How did it bring you closer together? My eldest is a boy and I have a daughter too. My fear is it giving the kids 'options' on who to play with/favourites/people being left out etc between them. Did you find any of that?

To the people considering TTC again...the only advice I have is take your time - get some therapy to explore your reasons etc and try to come to a place where you have learned greatly from it and can make decisions in the future more calmly. Whatever those may be. A lot of us fixate on getting things right or wrong - when those things don't exist. They're just different paths with different positive and negative consequences whichever way you go. Xxx

[heartbroken22]

Follow your heart and trust yourself. My kids are 6, 2 and 4 months. I wish I kept the last age gap a bit longer like my mother.

My mum had a 10 year old, 6 year old and then newborn baby and we were fine. The baby was actually a blessing and brought us close together.

You don't have to listen to me. But I was terrified by the thought of having 3 when I got pregnant again and wanted to terminate again when I got HG. I stayed patient and held on because I could not live with what I did before. But now she's here omg the day she came out of me I was so in love. It's was worth the hard work.

Write a list of pros and cons if you're really confused. How would you feel if you had another baby and didn't have a baby?

[London303]

Should read my heart say yes.

[London303]

Thanks for reply. Feeling such confusion. My heart says tes but my head says no.........my girls are 10 and 7 so feel like this would be a huge gap to try and transition thing smoothly. Help!

[heartbroken22]

@London303 no please don't feel like you're a monster. What you're feeling is natural. I had instant regret too. Wish family supported me. But got pregnant 3 months later with beautiful baby girl. She's here now and amazing. It was hard and I had the same feelings due to Hg but second time around I told myself to be stronger and I didn't need support from anyone but myself.
Blessings came from a lovely midwife.

[London303]

Hi all.. need advice and hopefully no judgement. Have 2 amazing kids. (8&10). Early Sept found out was preg no3.....terrified even though in happy marriage etc. My fears were my 2 kids would be so upset with new addition, the total change in our little fam dynamic, and would baba be healthy etc. Also a family event that was clashing with potential due date (silly I know). We had been TTC for a couple years but kind of gave up in the idea. Ended up termination at 5wk 1day. Felt massive relief but this week Im riddled with regret. Now considering ttc again.....I know I sound horrific like the worst person ever to even consider it. Im so confused guilty and lost. Am I a monster for even considering another pregnancy after what I did.

[Hdhhdidi]

Did*

[Hdhhdidi]

I’m in same boat and on my first af after a loss, how solo the pregnancy go?

[Xdorx]

Hi @ScaredyCat40,

I'm in a similar situation to you and wondered how you are doing? I had a very early termination there months ago and can't shake the feeling that I need to 'do the right thing a second time'. I'm devastated by what happened and the only way I can ease the pain inside is if I imagine trying again even though I don't necessarily think 3 children is best. I know it's ridiculous. I have two beautiful children - a boy and girl, 7 and 4 and they're extremely close to each other. We are a very tight unit of four and very happy. I had severe pnd after my 2nd as I had a traumatic birth. When I found out I was pg the fear of pnd, my age, risks, but mostly damaging my children's relationship and their relationship with me was overwhelming. The impact of me having very bad pnd for a year on them was petrifying. All of that still stands. Apart from the fact that I'm now very depressed and detached anyway because I can't come to terms with the termination. I can't help thinking 3 isn't ideal.... But also a mum who is consumed with guilt or depression for the next 20 yrs also isn't ideal. I'm nearly 40 and feel I don't have time to wait a few years and see if I can get over it. One of the reasons we weren't careful in the first place is cause of the time pressure with my agem

I'd love to know how any of you are doing and any hope or advice from your experience.

Xx

[Brain1overload]

Hi!

Just checking in on this thread the see how everyone is doing? Did any of you go on to get pregnant again? Did you feel more positive about it second time? I am in a very similar situation….. although unfortunately my fertility prospects are not that positive either so feel like the situation may well be out of my hands

@ScaredyCat40 I hope the rest of your pregnancy went well and you are enjoying your new bundle xx

[ED81]

@ScaredyCat40. I hope things have improved somewhat.x

[ED81]

Hi all,

How are you all now? Sending kind thoughts your way.

Realise this post hasn’t been commented on for a while but it really resonates with me.
I too had a termination (in March) due to incredible anxiety and feeling like I’d made a terrible choice becoming pregnant. Even though it was planned!
But here I am in May - still feeling pretty awful. I have no children. Very nearly 40 and not sure what to do?! Receiving counselling once weekly but my mind is very focused on if I should try again....

I hate being a women sometimes.

[SaraJune36]

@Coffee247 Thanks for your advice. Yes, I am going to wait awhile and stay on my birth control until we are 100% positive we want to try again. I think like you say, it is good to have something almost forcing you to take your time. I am working with a counselor once per week and that has been good to get the feelings off my chest but I am still processing a lot. Time will make things better and less intense and hopefully I will have a clearer mind at that time.

[Coffee247]

I think you're doing the best thing and taking time rather than rushing into a decision. In a way I'm glad the contraceptive shot has taken away my ability to rush into anything but the fact I'm so down about the fact it could have messed up my fertility shows I do want another. I always did but the risks specifically with my last pregnancy were too much. I do worry the same will happen again.

If you imagine yourself taking a test and it being positive , or having the 12 week scan how do you feel?

I think all we can do is take time, try to put it out of our mind for a while ( I can't even take that advice though as its on my mind constantly) and try to really envisage how we would feel about another.

One thing I am going to do is try to get a meeting with a midwife, or potentially consultant before getting pregnant to talk through risks and options if the same was to happen again. I couldn't get a meeting until past what would have been the 16 week mark and I didnt want to wait that long to terminate. So I'm going to be proactive this time.

Could you meet with someone to talk through how you're feeling? X

[SaraJune36]

@Coffee247 I do wonder if having another will help close out this terrible chapter of my life but I want to do it for the wrong reasons - wanting another child. I am trying to give myself time to heal but it has been hard.

[SaraJune36]

@Coffee247 I am so unsure about trying again. I want to, but I am very scared of how I felt before. A few things have changed for me since I had the termination in September... I work in healthcare and am in the process of being vaccinated ( I was really scared of Covid when I was pregnant) and I also got a new job that I enjoy more. The other fear I had was the amount of work that falls on me (husband is workaholic) and the age gap between my kids (7.5 and 9). So those are the fear I have to figure out and decide. What are your thoughts these days?

[Coffee247]

Hi @SaraJune36 the scan for dvt was negative thank goodness. But I've really f'd up as I got the depo injection after the termination so could have screwed myself up for trying for a year... hope not though:( only recently found out how much it can affect ttc. Im so sorry youre feeling regret. We would have found the gender out this week and I've found that really tough. Do u think you will try again ? X

[SaraJune36]

@Anony79 I had a termination in September and now regret it more than anything ever in my life. Wondering how you decided to proceed after the scan you had recently? Wondering how to come to terms with trying again?

[AnnaliseH]

@ScaredyCat40, am so glad I have found your post! Am in a very similar situation by the sound of it. Not pregnant yet though, am just letting it be a little and see what happens. Nearing forty too...

Good to hear you are doing well now! Stay strong and I hope you feel truly calm and happy soon!!

[Sia07]

Thank you so much, great to hear you have appointments coming up, i pray that you meet good docotors and midwifes who will give you all the support you need for your journey, I wish you all the best with your pregnancy xxx

[ScaredyCat40]

@SaraJune36 I’m sorry you’re going through this also. That feeling of regret is awful. I felt like I couldn’t get over it. However being pregnant again wasn’t an immediate fix - in fact I felt worse for a good couple of months. Why did this one deserve a chance when the situation wasn’t any different now and so many thoughts of I don’t deserve a happy healthy baby but I finally feel that I’ve been given this chance and I’m going to embrace it. I do feel better now - the anxiety has eased and I’ve had a scan and seen the baby which has helped me bond and now finally although still freaked out by covid I feel excited to meet this baby. I didn’t get help for anxiety in the first few weeks and I should have and I’d advise it if you feel anxious as I could have easily made the same irreversible decision again. I really hope you come to a decision - it really isn’t an easy one to make after a termination. Wishing you all the best. xx

@Sia07 thank you so much for your message. So pleased to hear you got through a challenging time and all was well. Covid has caused a lot of fear and fingers crossed most of us will avoid it. I have had a few appointments now and they do make me anxious being in busy places but I also feel a bit more confident now through the first trimester. Wishing you and your baby lots of happiness xx

[Sia07]

Hi lovely

Sorry to hear your having a hard time with anxiety, I felt exactly how you did, I got pregnant during the pandemic and I was terrified! I ended up having pre eclampsia at 35 weeks and gestational diabetes, I was in hospitals for a week and even with the complications I went on to deliver fine naturally, I just want to say you will be fine honestly the doctors and nurses are well trained and they take really good care of you. :)

Covid is awful and I know the fear around it, I think it's normal to have those thought during these times, I wa always thinking am I going to get through this okay but with covid you have to remember it effects everyone different and you could be a carrier or you might even get it mild if you do get it. Try and focus on the positive and definitely talk to your midwife and keep in touch with your friends, it helps to talk to people when your anxious.

I hope everything goes well for you xxx

[SaraJune36]

@ScaredyCat40 Hi Scaredycat, I just posted a similar question... I had a termination about six months ago and now deeply regret it. I am thinking about trying again this spring, and was looking for other’s experiences. How did you cope when you had those bad thoughts this second time during the early weeks? Did becoming pregnant make you feel worse or conflicted about the previous termination? I completely identified with your post and thought I would reach out. Thanks so much.

[Anony79]

I think you're right. I accepted the risk with my second case wanted a sibling for my daughter. Im getting scanned for a potential dvt today and to be honest if it is one I'll probably just not have anymore kids cause its another risk factor just thrown in. Should get results tomorrow. Hoping its not. Thank you I will definitely try and speak to someone sooner rather than later. Youre right they really do. I have a couple of friends who almost had a termination as their hormones were going mental. Im glad I was able to tell them just to make sure it wasn't that. They both felt much better at about 12 weeks and decided to keep
. Scary the affect they can have. That's why I held out as long as I could with my termination just to make sure it was what I wanted x