My partner says he doesn't want our baby

[aspascia]

Hi, need some advice/support from anyone who has been through something similar ...

I'm 38 and 7+5 with my first. My partner of ten years and I have been TTC since April. I told him a few years ago I wanted kids but it's taken him a while to come around to the idea and to be ready (I've waited very patiently all this time!). Recently we'd had many conversations about babies and having a family, we stopped using contraception, and he seemed totally on board. I got pregnant a lot more quickly than I expected but I was over the moon and thought he would be too. When I told him he was subdued but seemed happy about it. Yesterday we had an argument during which he said some horrible things, including accusing me of "deliberately" getting pregnant to fit in with some "plan" I'm supposed to have had, that it's all about me and he's just tagging along for the ride, and that he doesn't want the baby - that broke my heart. He said he's not ready and "maybe next year or some time in the future". Now he's not speaking to me - he's skulking around as if I've done something terrible to him. I just don't know what to do. He's a very selfish and self-centred person generally, but I really thought we were in this together and now I just feel completely shell-shocked. I don't want to terminate as he suggested because this may be my last chance to become a mum, and it would destroy our relationship anyway as I would resent him. But I can't be a single parent if he decides he really doesn't want this. Has anyone else had a partner behave like this? Is it just cold feet? I'm just feeling so confused and alone right now.

[aspascia]

Thank you sooo much to all of you for your support and advice. It's given me strength and hope! He's stopped being horrible to me but hasn't apologised or mentioned it - he's just acting like the whole thing didn't happen and everything's fine. This is what he usually does though. Anyway, I told him he needs to decide and tell me what he wants so that I can make decisions about my own future. I'll ask him to come along to my scan; that will be the clincher. If he comes and sees baby and hears the heartbeat maybe his attitude will change, which will be great. If he still can't accept it, it's over. If he expresses no interest in coming to the appointment, it's over. If I'm going to get out, I'm going to do it while I can. Having a baby in Australia without private health insurance is horrifically expensive, but I'll figure it out if it comes to it.

[Richardhun]

My DH was not hugely supportive when I was pregnant, nor was he helpful with the baby phase.
Looking back I just did everything and he got a very easy ride.

He a very very good dad now, does loads with them and they adore him.

I'd ride it out a while longer.

[TirednessIsComing]

There's not being supportive and there's treating your partner like shit and blaming them. No one should have to keep trying with someone like that.

See how the scan goes op but if he's like this now and selfish normally then I'd have your backup plan ready.

[WatchingFromTheWings]

Anyway, I told him he needs to decide and tell me what he wants so that I can make decisions about my own future.

I think you should take control. YOU decide what you want to do, let him know and he can go along with it or not. Hope it all works out for you.

[IrenetheQuaint]

"He's stopped being horrible to me but hasn't apologised or mentioned it - he's just acting like the whole thing didn't happen and everything's fine. This is what he usually does though."

He sounds appallingly immature and selfish, I'm afraid.

[BantyCustards]

OP - your last post mirrors my own experiences with my ExP. This is not a nice man. This is a very selfish man who will distort reality to meet his own agenda, who will sulk to get his own way, who will emotionally blackmail.

Don't do what I did. Take charge. Get out now.

[Kittenrush]

Good for you OP. I think your plan sounds very reasonable. Gives him a chance to realise he was wrong and make it up to you but also gives you a positive plan of what to do if he doesn't step up. Be brave! It'll be hard if you have to move, but you and your baby are worth more than a man that would treat you like that! Best of luck xx

[Lweji]

I have to say that, unfortunately, my prediction for the future is that he'll leave you to deal with the baby, care for his own career, likely force you to become a sahm, and continue to be an twat (not to call him worse) to you. At some point you'll probably find he's cheating, "because" you aren't as sexually available to him as before or don't give him enough attention, only care about the child.

He's telling you who he is now.

He's not telling you that he thought he wanted the child but he's scared now. He's saying he never wanted it.
You are a strong woman and you faced him on it, which is why he's not pushing it now, but he will work on weakening you and punishing you for it, if you stay.
Anything less than a full apology and enthusiasm for the child and you should get out. Running.

[expatinscotland]

YOU decide. This is your decision. He already made his. You and your baby deserve so much more than this person. What he said and did is unforgivable. When you're an adult, and you panic, you still behave as an adult, not do what he did. Fuckwit. You waited for him to come round. That was your first clue this person was wrong for you.

'My only option I think would be to uproot my entire life and move both of us back to Australia to be near my parents so they could help out ... seems a bit drastic!'

You don't have much of a life here with this prick. Please, go back to Australia now.

Stop giving this guy chances. He doesn't deserve them.

[WeArePregnant11]

I don't see him apologising because, in his usual fashion, he believes I'm in the

This sounds simply horrible.
I'm going to be very blunt (and horrible) and say what this seems I like to me.

1. The tosser tried to proceed this slowly all these years in the hope of you being too old when you start trying.
   
2. The tosser pretended to be ok with being a dad, but he was secretly hoping you won't conceive.
   
3. He says he might be ready in a year or something. What is he trying to say? Does he expect you to have an abortion? A "convenient" miscarriage?
   

You're 38, you have parents that would support you. You're not alone. You can do this!!

[BantyCustards]

Please listen to Lweji

She describes what ended up happening to me.

This is abuse you are experiencing. It WILL get worse

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

OP, have you sourced that ticket yet , 'cos if you haven't, you're going to wish you had.
Everyone on here means well, he may be "being nice" now, but wait until the baby comes !

[aspascia]

Just an update on "the situation" for all you wonderful people who gave me so much support and advice ...

I decided to wait until the 12wk scan. In the meantime, DP completely changed. He started being much nicer, checking if I was ok, offering to give me neck massages when I got headaches, even spontaneously giving me foot massages from time to time. I asked if he intended to come to the scan (this was the ultimate test) and he rearranged his work schedule so he could be there. He asked lots of questions at the scan to make sure everything was alright. We've now told our families and close friends and he seems excited again. He's even started talking about nursery furniture etc.

I know he's a bit of an arse and will always be one (I have been with him for ten years, after all!), but I now feel much more confident that he will support me and will be a good dad. He's even voluntarily offered to arrange his work schedule to take the same day off every week (which I know will be difficult) so I can go back to work one day a week after three months.

I guess it was just a freakout after all. A horrible, thoughtless, immature one, but just a freakout nonetheless. xx

[Nikki2ol6]

Well that's great news!! I'm so pleased it is all working out for the best

[ConvincingLiar]

Glad things have improved. Use this new found maturity to arrange a fair division of labour (now and later) and finances.

[Anne2468jjj]

Hey everyone,
I found out I’m pregnant on Monday, I’ve know the guy since last August and we we got really close and always had an attraction we then starting seeing each other only 6 weeks ago. He first said it’s my decision and he’ll fully support me whichever decision I make which was great because it was unplanned I wasn’t jumping around excited but I want to keep it. I’ve had a good think this week and I feel like I want to keep it. He’s been away with work this week and just saw him today face to face for the first time. Late this eve i sent a text ,, I asked him how he was because. when he dropped me home I could see he was stressed. I texted me about thought I was on the pill which I was and it was conceived when we were doing the “ pull out method” ( stupid I know) for three weeks prior to the pill. I rang him level headed as I know he’s dealing with the shock. But it really upsets me because he said “ if I’m honest I don’t want it , not a personal reflection on you I don’t want it “ it upset me and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want it have no money saved at all and I’m scared. he’s had two previous miscarriages with other women but really wants children. I’ll do it with or without him . I’m worried he won’t come around because I’d rather have the support and I’m confused why he’s been so supportive then now to I don’t want it at all.

[Daisy92]

Firstly, congratulations! Your pregnancy is wonderful news and please don't feel guilty for agreeing. You deserve to enjoy this time in your life without a miserable cretin putting a negative spin on it.

I was pressured into having a termination four years ago by my partner at the time, and honestly, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't feel haunted by it. The man who pressured me into it even had the audacity to grieve and sulk afterwards, telling people how it was MY decision in an attempt to alleviate his guilt. Ugh. It angers me just thinking about it...

Anyway, I'm currently 36+3 weeks pregnant with my DS, and I've approached this pregnancy differently. I've not allowed anyone's misery or negativity to get me down or sway my decisions. Everything I do is for my baby.

My current partner has been negative, like yours, since day one. He initially accused me of ruining his life and of being selfish and not giving him a say. We've been together for 3 years, we tried for this baby. and we've been solid as a rock, so I didn't see this coming either. C'est le vie...

I'm putting his bad attitude down to nervousness, because it's mainly fleeting. I've been told that men don't feel the same connections as us women during pregnancy, which makes sense. As such, I've tried to get him physically involved, by doing small things like getting him to rub moisturiser over my bump, etc. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes he even smiles when I put his hand on my bump where my DS is kicking. Sometimes, however, he's still a miserable bastard about everything. But if he eventually walks away then so be it. My son will be my priority, and there IS help out there for single mothers if you need it.

Be strong! Be happy! This is a wonderful time. Enjoy it.

[Rooroo1012]

Could he have said all this in the heat of the moment?

I was unsure about keeping my baby. I even went to the abortion clinic and after chatting to the ladies there, they reminded me that it isn’t about what other people think or want, it’s about how I feel. If you want this baby and you are capable of looking after a baby then it really doesn’t matter what anyone else says, even your partner.

He wanted this as well as you, even if he has said some nasty things.

Another thing the clinic told me is that you could have the most perfect relationship in the world and one day your partner leaves for work and gets run over and killed (a bit doom and gloom) but you’re still left with a child to raise on your own.

Bad or good situation - if you want this baby don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Congratulation and hoping for the best with your situation x

[Springnowplease]

Zombie thread.

[FlissMumsnet]

Hi There Anne2468jjj - hope you don't mind us dropping in but we wanted to let you know it's probably best to start a fresh thread.

We're happy to remove this post for you if you'd like as many of our users don't like zombie threads being reanimated.